NAM
I fought in Nam. I was in Nam with my wife, Krinin, my brother, Fisroy Fisgerald, and Smitty; we were all in the same ligament. I miss Smitty. Let me tell you about Smitty . . .
Smitty started out with all four limbs, like any normal hermaphrodite, but things didn't go so well from there. He thought he saw Anne Murray in the distance. He started running for her (because everyone loves Anne Murray), but while running, he stepped on a land mine. The land mine launched him in the direction of where he saw Anne Murray, and losing two legs to meet Anne Murray is a small price to pay, but when he got to where she was standing, she wasn't there! Unfortunately, it was just an Anne Murrage. I heard Smitty's yells and retrieved him. I gave him a wheelchair.
We all felt bad for him, so we took him to the carnival that came to town; it had a petting zoo. Well, one of the GOATS bit Smitty's right arm off, clean up to the shoulder! We decided to make it pay for this, so we stuck a twig from a tree into Smitty's wound, let it get nice and crusty (so that the twig was set and wouldn't move), and we stuck the other end up a goat's bum-bum. It pulled Smitty around. Smitty was having the time of his life. He loved it until the goat moved its bowels. This goat was obviously sick. Liquid carp ran down the stick onto Smitty. If it weren't for Smitty's industrial-strength wound-crust, he'd have been full of goat poo. Smitty beat the goat until it left the petting zoo pen. Once out of the pen, Smitty used his left hand to pull the twig out of his shoulder. That was when Smitty got some entertainment . . . a goat running around with a stick up its arse. When the goat hit a land mine, Smitty let out a chuckle, and decided it was time to head back to the carnival. The only problem was when he tried to go forward on his wheelchair, since he only had one arm, he kept going around in circles! This was a problem. He screamed, I came and got him, he told me what had happened, I didn't believe him, he sassed me, I parked him by a tree and left. Smitty didn't like that. He got this wild idea that he should climb the tree. He grabbed one branch, but when he tried to climb higher, his wheelchair rolled down the hill, so Smitty was just left hanging there by one arm, screaming. People at the carnival heard him screaming. They saw him and yelled, "Piņata!" Everyone at the carnival combed the place for a good stick to use, and the only one found was the one in the dead goat's arse. They took that stick covered in carp and beat the heck out of Smitty with it. He finally exploded, and they ate him. That's Smitty's story.
Here is a list of things that kids today take for granted:
1) Water. There was no water in Nam. We had to kill people and drink their blood.
2) Music. Today there are rock bands, pop stars, even the marvelous, not to mention stunning, Anne Murray. In Nam, we had one music note, and it was always played with the same rhythm.
3) Body parts. My legs, lungs, heart and eyelids are wooden. Imagine trying to sleep with splinters in your pupils! I think I was one of the luckier ones in Nam, though. I had 84 Lumber sponsor me. They would give me free body parts if they could stamp their logo on them.
4) Condoms. In Nam, we had to skin our own legs (if we even had skin on our legs) to make condoms.
5) Joints. You think 84 Lumber could give you legs with joints?! You were lucky if you didn't get a knot in your leg.
6) Ronco's Showtime Rotisserie Oven & BBQ. We had to let our kill set out in the 250° sun rays for days on end. In the Showtime Rotisserie Oven & BBQ, it only takes 18 minutes per pound for medium for beef, AND you can keep vegetables piping hot on top while waiting for your meat to finish!
This page will probably be updated a lot, because I'm always having flashbacks.