An Occasional Column in which Anton Buxley will have his say
I have a theory about dogs. Why do we humans, who are clever and can make pretzels and reality TV shows, associate ourselves with these fluffy bundles of love who can barely catch Frisbees? Well, it�s for precisely the reason that they can barely catch Frisbees, in a way. Dogs are dumbasses, and it strikes me that what people love more than anything else is a nice genuine twenty-eight carat dumbass for a best buddy.
This is because, partly due to the fact that we can capably make pretzels, say, and Reality TV shows, say, we get to feel superior to the mutts and yet still feel loved by them. It is, I think, their relative stupidity which makes them so appealing to people (there aren�t many creatures out there that still feel superior to the ones whose shit they pick up. In fact, there aren�t a huge number who pick up shit at all).
But it�s an excellent relationship for both parties. The human gets a comfortable feeling of superiority because his �best friend� is a jackass, and the dog gets good food, a good bed, and its shit picked up for it. Occasionally, if it�s very lucky, it may also get to eat the Queen�s corgi. But notice that people seldom keep slugs or wasps as pets � the animals need to be dumb, but still clever enough for their relative dumbness to make their owner�s cleverness implicit. There is no warm feeling of supremeness unless the other party is almost, but not quite as clever.
This attitude is prevalent amongst the human psyche to a greater extent than pet choice, however. In our social relationships, we often actively seek out a similar partnership. Everyone�s ideal friend is very slightly stupider than they are. Take my girlfriend, Rebecca Q. Buxley, for instance. I knew I had found the ideal woman when it occurred to me that, over and above her physical attractions, she was clever enough to have many long and involved left-wing debates with me, but not quite so clever that she�d ever win any of them.
Perfect.
A heck of a lot of the things people do are modelled around the simple idea that, given the choice between showing off a slightly superior level of IQ and sharing that IQ with people of a roughly equal standing, we will always plump for the former. And whilst I have limited my discussions today to intelligence, it�s also worth considering that any area in which a person is superior can be treated in this way. People tend to be prettier than dogs, for instance, which is another plus. What it comes down to is that humans are essentially nasty, arrogant people � and if you don�t believe me, look at some of the things they produce. Pretzels, for instance, or Reality TV.
Anton Buxley is currently involved in the arduous task of appearing effortless.
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