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Cold Mountain (Miramax, 152 minutes, 2003, 15)
Jude Law (The Tailor of Gloucester) teams up with an all-star cast to create a motion picture so totally and obviously obsessed with winning Oscars that it is beaten only by its own grotesquely awful dialogue to the coveted 'Most Annoying Thing Ever' award. Conscripted into the Confederate army twenty-six seconds after falling in love with Virginia Woolf (Moulin Brouges), Law's often hilariously unbelievable character goes through all the heartstring-tugging motions of the civil war holding on to a photo of his sweetheart, finally deserting to run back to her. This 'intense' 'action' (Bridget Jones' Diary) is paralleled by something almost as exciting - scenes of Dr. Chase Meridian (Eyes Wide Porn) doing some farming, often assisted by loveable comedy jackass Bridget Jones (The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre). After roughly two years of this - that's what it felt like, anyway - the plot thickens not at all, and one leaves the theatre with an urge to destroy something cute and fluffy. Anything good about this film (Battle Scenes, Some of the Music, and Ren�e Zellweger's performance) is immediately invalidated by the fact that it was made for all the wrong reasons, with slightly unconvincing southern accents all round (Vivian Leigh is in particular is to blame for this), purely so that the director can call himself arty and rack up as many trophies as possible. If you thought Titanic was an insult to History, check this out. Or rather, don't. Just don't.