Link: When was the last time you saw a dentist, Jerri?
Jerri: About uh, 32 years ago.
Link: Why don�t you open wide and we�ll take a look?
Jerri: K.
Link (looking in Jerri�s mouth): I see some periodontal disease, some gingivitis, geographic lip�at some point, you had your tongue bobbed�and your bicuspids seem to be all tartar. Alright, let me grab the X rays, we�ll take a better look.
Jerri (to camera): Hi. I�m Jerri Blank, and I�m a 46-year-old high school freshman. During the 32 years I spent as a teenage runaway, I was a boozer, a user and a loser. But now, I�m picking up my life exactly where I left off. Only, this time, when I make the wrong choices, I�m doing it for all the right reasons.
Link (looking at Jerri�s X ray): Woah, that�s a hell of an overbite. Ooh, you�re definitely going to need some orthodonture.
Jerri: What are you saying?
Link: Young lady, I�m gonna have to fit you for braces.
Jerri: Braces? But if I get braces, I�ll be the laughingstock of Flatpoint High!
Link: Well, nobody wants braces, Jerri. But�I�m afraid that�s something you�re gonna have to learn to live with.
Scene � School vending machine.
Jerri gets a snack from the vending machine and two girls walk by.
Girl # 1: Hey, Tinsel Teeth.
Girl # 2: Yeah, way to go, Brace Face.
Kimberly Timbers overhears and approaches Jerri.
Kimberly: Hi, Jerri.
Jerri: Oh, hey, Kimberly.
Kimberly: Ya know �
Jerri offers her the meat from the vending machine.
Kimberly: No, thanks. Ya know, those girls don�t know what they�re talking about. It�s not that bad having braces.
Jerri: Yeah, well, name one good thing.
Kimberly: Uh, well, um�they�re shiny.
Jerri: Yeah!
Kimberly: Yeah!
Jerri: Thanks.
Scene � Mr. Noblet�s class.
Chip: Then Jefferson bought the Mississippi and beyond, a river that Lewis and Clark had glory upon.
Noblet: I�ve never heard the Louisiana Purchase expressed so lyrically. Thank you, Chip. You have beautiful teeth. Sit down. Jerri, you�re up.
Jerri: �Packing a Musket,� by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you�re a call girl. When you walk till you limp and give a cut to a pimp, you�re a street whore. When they�re begging ya �please,� to get down on your knees, near their groinage, �scusa me, but ya see, don�t ya touch where they pee, without coinage.
Noblet: Thank you, Jerri, that�ll be �
Jerri: When I straddle and squat, to show you my �
Noblet (as the bell rings): Alright, Jerri. Alright, everybody, for tomorrow, I want you to write a history poem on Hiroshima. But nothing too faggy. And, remember, I need the permission slips for this week�s trip to Good Time Island!
Student: Where�s your permission slip?
Noblet: Shut your dirty little mouth!
The class leaves, but Mr. Noblet stops Jerri.
Noblet: Jerri?
Jerri (surprised): Oh!
Noblet: Can you hold on a minute?
Jerri: Sure!
Noblet: Principal Blackman wanted me to speak to you about Kimberly Timbers.
Jerri: My locker mate?
Noblet: Yes. We�d like you to spy on her.
Jerri: Spy on her? Hey, I�m no squealer, alright? I�m not snarking on anybody. What�d she do?
Noblet: We suspect she might be�retarded.
Jerri: Wow, what makes you think that?
Noblet: Well, let�s just say it�s one of Principal Blackman�s hunches, and we don�t question those�do we?
Jerri shakes her head.
Noblet: Well, what�s it gonna be, Jerri?
Jerri: I don�t think so.
Noblet: I understand.
Jerri: Alright.
Noblet: OK.
Jerri: OK.
Noblet: It is a shame you�re gonna miss the big school trip to Good Time Island, though.
Jerri: What? But I�m in the Pleasure Club, I mean, my dad�s already signed my permission slip and everything, see?
Jerri hands Mr. Noblet her permission slip.
Noblet: Jerri, I�m afraid I can�t read this note. The handwriting is so�uncooperative. Listen, Jerri. Don�t think of it as snitching. Think of it as betraying the retarded. We�re not asking you to do anything we wouldn�t do.
Jerri: Well, then, why don�t you do it?
Noblet: The Board of Education has very strict guidelines for snaring the retarded. We need confirmation from one of her peers.
Jerri: Why me?
Noblet: Well, you�ve got these braces. They tend to be drawn to�shiny objects.
Jerri: Right. Well, I don�t think she�s retarded.
Noblet: Really, Jerri? Well, why don�t you take a closer look? But be careful. If she catches on, she may fly into a rage where she would have the strength of an ape and no remorse. Not even a bullet would bring her down.
Jerri: Wow.
Noblet: Remember, Jerri � Good Time Island.
Jerri tries to get her permission slip back from Mr. Noblet, but he pulls it away.
Scene � Lockers.
Kimberly Timbers opens her locker and Jerri comes out of the locker next to it.
Kimberly: Hi, Jerri.
Jerri: Hey, Kimberly. So, um, how�s your brain?
Kimberly: My brain?
Jerri: Oh, listen, never mind. So uh, you going to uh, Good Time Island?
Kimberly: Of course I�m going. I�m Secretary of the Pleasure Club.
Jerri: Oh, right. Sometimes I can be so retarded. You know what I�m talking about? You ever feel that way?
Kimberly: Who doesn�t?
Jerri: I don�t. Do you?
Kimberly: I was just joking, Jerri.
Jerri: Really? Joking, that�s funny. Do you come up with these jokes on the spot, off the top of your head, or were you born with �em?
Kimberly: I don�t understand.
Jerri (to herself): She doesn�t understand.
Kimberly: Well, see ya later, Jerri.
Kimberly leaves.
Jerri: Yeah, yeah. Mmm! Mmm! Ow.
Jerri takes her lobster, Clausen, out of her locker.
Jerri (to Clausen): Well, Clausen, looks like this case is closed. Clearly our locker mate�s retarded. And, since they�re dangerous, I guess snarking�s not such a bad thing. So it�s off to Good Time Island! Let�s go see Mr. Noblet for some good, old-fashioned snitcheroo. Oh, listen, I gotta ask you to do me a favor. (she scratches her back with Clausen) Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah�
Scene � Mr. Jellineck�s classroom.
Mr. Jellineck is sketching a nude Mr. Noblet. Jerri enters the room.
Jellineck: Oh, hey, Jerri.
Jerri: Mr. Jellineck? Could I speak to Mr. Noblet for a second?
Jellineck: Sure. Chuck! Take five.
Noblet: What can I do for you, Jerri?
Jerri: I�m ready to make my report.
Noblet: That was fast. You must feel good.
Jerri: I guess.
Noblet: Tell ya what, Jerri. I�m gonna head down to Principal Blackman�s office and take a shower. Why don�t you join me there in a few minutes and we�ll tell him all about this report of yours? OK? Oh, and Jerri? (he pulls out Jerri�s permission slip) This note just got a lot more legible.
Mr. Noblet leaves the room.
Noblet (to a student): No running!
Jellineck: Say, Jerri. What was that all about?
Jerri: Mr. Noblet wants me to snitch on a friend.
Jellineck: Snitching doesn�t seem like you, Jerri.
Jerri: Oh, it�s not what you think, I mean, it�s not like snitching on a real person or anything. She�s �
Jellineck: Gay?
Jerri: Retarded.
Jellineck: Yes. Most of them are.
Jerri: Most who are what?
Jellineck: Most gay people are retarded.
Jerri: Wait a minute. Does that mean Kimberly Timbers is gay?
Jellineck: I don�t know. Hey! Make a pass at her and found out. She�d have to be retarded to turn you down.
Jerri: Thanks. Um, well, are they uh, dangerous?
Jellineck: Gay people? They can be.
Jerri: No, no, no, no, no. Retarded people.
Jellineck: Hmm. I don�t know. But I do know, before you do any snitching, you better find out.
Scene � Library.
Jerri and Mr. Jellineck are in the library. Mr. Jellineck puts a book on the table.
Jellineck: �Retardation: A Celebration.� This will have all the information about retardation that you need.
Jerri (to camera): Let�s read it now.
Mr. Jellineck opens the book, takes out a cassette tape and puts it in a tape player.
Wilford Brimley on tape: Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to �Retardation: A Celebration.� Now, hopefully with this book, I�m gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don�t rule the night. They don�t rule it � nobody does. And they don�t run in packs. And while they may not be as strong as apes, don�t lock eyes with �em, don�t do it. Puts �em on edge. They might go into berserker mode, come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming, �No, no, no,� � all they hear is, �Who wants cake?� Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake. Well, that�s it for the celebration. I guess the most important thing to remember is, they�re just like you and me.
Jerri: Huh. They�re just like you and me.
Scene � Jerri�s garage.
Jerri�s father is working on the car and she approaches him.
Jerri: Daddy? Can I talk to you for a second? Well, I know you�re really busy. A lot went down in school today. God, I�m really in a k-hole. They want me to snitch on my locker mate. I don�t know what to do. I mean, at first, I thought, �well, alright,� ya know, �cause she�s dangerous and different. But then, I found out that they�re just like you and me.
Derrick enters the garage.
Derrick: Hey, Pops, can I borrow the car when you�re done tuning it?
Dad throws Derrick the car keys.
Derrick: Thanks. (to Jerri) Oh, man! I almost forgot! Which one do you want first, Jerri? You pick.
Jerri: What are you talking about?
Derrick: First: Did you just finish eating crackers?
Jerri: No. Why?
Derrick: �Cause your teeth sure look crummy. Oh, yes! OK, numero deuce: Knock knock.
Jerri: Who�s there?
Derrick: I heard you�re a snitch. Yes!
Jerri: Where did ya hear that?
Derrick: A retarded little bird told me.
Jerri (holding up three fingers): Yeah, well, read between the lines, pussy.
Derrick: Oh yeah? Read between these lines. (makes a gesture with his fingers and tongue)
Scene � Jerri�s kitchen.
Sara: Oh, hi, Jerri, I�m glad you�re home. You can help me set the table.
Jerri: What are we having?
Sara: Oh, your brother helped me pick it out. Everything is south of the border. We�re having corn on the cob, beef jerky, and for dessert, taffy apples.
Jerri: Well, I can�t eat any of that.
Sara: Oh. Well, it�s a good opportunity for you to lose some of that baby fat. You don�t wanna go to Good Time Island looking all�puffy.
Jerri: I may not be going to Good Time Island.
Sara: Oh, well. Your father and I will miss you. We�re going to be chaperoning.
Jerri: Don�t you care why I might not be going?
Sara: Well, you�re a freshman in high school now, Jerri. I think you�re old enough to make your own mistakes.
Jerri: It�s not about mistakes, Mother. It�s about choices. And I�ve chosen to make a mistake.
Sara: Well, I think you�re making a mistake with this choice.
Scene � Principal Blackman�s office.
Jerri is in the office and Principal Blackman is putting Mr. Jellineck�s nude sketch of Mr. Noblet on the wall.
Blackman: I�ll be with you in a moment, Jerri. Just thought I�d liven the office with this sketch of Noblet. So, you never showed up with that report yesterday. What gives, Jerri?
Jerri: Warden � Principal Blackman, if I did have anything, which I don�t, and it proves that Kimberly is retarded, which I don�t know for sure, what would you do?
Blackman: Well, we�d probably track her down, tranquilize her and then try to harness her tremendous strength for some practical purpose.
Jerri: But they�re just like you and me!
Blackman: I don�t care if they�re just like me and me! They�re a menace. I anticipated that you�d feel this way, so I took the liberty of calling your parents!
Principal Blackman pushes a button that moves a chair, which Jerri�s stepmother and father are sitting on, into the room.
Sara: Look, Jerri, I have no idea what this is all about, but your father is extremely disappointed.
Blackman: Mr. and Mrs. Blank, I called you in today because in a brazen display of audacity, Jerri has refused to cooperate in our official investigation.
Jerri: Witch-hunt.
Blackman: And by �audacity,� I mean hubris, overweening pride.
Sara: Principal Black Man �
Blackman: It�s �Blackman.�
Sara: What I�d like to know is, why is there a retarded girl in school with my daughter?
Blackman: Mrs. Blank, we�re doing our best to weed them out, but some of these retards are extremely clever. Anybody could be one.
They look at Jerri.
Jerri: Wha � ? Just because I have a slight overbite, doesn�t � Dad, please! I�m old enough to defend myself!
Sara: Evidently not yet old enough to betray a retarded girl.
Jerri: How dare you? You know, if I had any kids I kept, I would treat �em a hell of a lot better than you�re treating me!
Jerri dumps a dish of candies on her stepmother.
Sara: Oh!
Jerri leaves the office and sees Kimberly Timbers eating a piece of cake in the hallway.
Wilford Brimley�s voice: All they hear is, �Who wants cake?� They all want cake.
Scene � Principal Blackman�s office.
Blackman: Mrs. Blank, it�s an awkward age. I�m sure it�ll all work out fine. I just have to figure out a way to tighten the emotional thumbscrews, so I can break her.
Sara: Thank you, Principal Blackman.
Sara and Guy leave the office via the chair they arrived in. Principal Blackman calls their house as soon as they leave his office.
Scene � Jerri�s kitchen.
Sara and Guy arrive home and enter the kitchen.
Sara: You always take her side! Why do I always have to be the bad guy?
The phone continues ringing.
Sara: Sit still, I�ll get it. Ah. (answers phone) Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Blackman. Uh, just a minute. (to Guy) Are you here?
Scene � Principal Blackman�s office.
Principal Blackman is on the phone with Guy Blank.
Blackman: Mr. Blank. I hope you�re sitting down. I figured out a way to tighten the emotional thumbscrews. You see, if Jerri doesn�t cooperate, then you and your wife can�t go to Good Time Island either. There�s no need to panic, Mr. Blank. You see, just get her to acquiesce � (pauses) that�s an ugly word, Mr. Blank! Well, it�s different when we call each other that! (he hangs up the phone) Damn cracker.
Scene � Classroom.
Kimberly: Remember, everybody, the Fun Bus leaves tomorrow at 12 noon sharp.
Student: I heard it�s supposed to rain.
Kimberly: Not on Good Time Island. They�ll just put up the Pleasure Dome.
Jerri is standing outside the doorway, listening to the conversation.
Kimberly: Hey, has anybody heard from Jerri Blank?
The others say no.
Kimberly: That�s too bad, she usually enjoys pleasure. I sure hope she comes.
Student: What about her braces?
Kimberly: That�s no reason to treat her any differently. I almost had to have braces once. But, at the last minute, the dentist realized I had perfect teeth. Now, do you all have your costumes?
Student: I�m gonna be a jester.
Student: I�m gonna drive with my eyes closed!
Student: I�m not gonna wear any underwear!
Students: Fun!
Jerri: Oh, Clausen, I, I don�t need Good Time Island, as long as I have you.
Scene � Jerri�s kitchen.
Jerri enters the kitchen with Clausen.
Sara: Well, I hope you�re happy. You�ve succeeded in hurting me.
Jerri: What are you talking about?
Sara: Thanks to your obstinence, your father and I won�t be able to go to Good Time Island. Look at what you�ve done to your father.
Jerri: I�m sorry.
Sara: Well, �sorry� doesn�t make it any better, but�snitching does. I think you oughta turn in that girl.
Jerri: She�s the only one who�s been nice to me since I got these braces. And besides, you�re not my real mother.
Sara: Now, don�t you run away from me, young lady. (Jerri�s holding Clausen) Get that �
Jerri: Stop it!
Clausen ends up in a pot of boiling water.
Jerri: Clausen!
Sara: Now look what you�ve done.
Jerri tries to save Clausen, but the water�s too hot.
Scene � Dr. Link�s office.
Link: Well, let�s give those braces a good crank. Hey, Jerri, why the long face?
Jerri: I guess you heard my awful news.
Link: What? About you being a snitch?
Jerri: No, about Clausen getting boiled. Hey, how did you know about my snitching problem?
Link: I�m a dentist, Jerri. People tell me things. So, what are you gonna do about Kimberly?
Jerri: I guess I�m gonna turn her in. They broke me, Doc. My friends, my family, the school�they cracked me open like a rotten molar. What have I got to lose?
Link: Only your integrity, Jerri. Let me tell you a little story: Ya know, when I was in high school, I had polio. I begged my mother not to tell anyone, I was so embarrassed � and you know what? She didn�t. Not even the doctor. That�s why I have to wear this leg brace for the rest of my life. And this brace serves as a reminder of the power of loyalty in a world full of betrayal.
Jerri: That�s a beautiful story, Dr. Link. Well, I bet if Principal Blackman heard your special story, he�d let me go to Good Time Island.
Link: Well, the Fun Bus leaves in 15 minutes! Let�s forget the cranking. Why don�t you go on down to school and tell them your special story? Break a leg, Jerri!
Scene � Everyone gets on the Good Time Island Fun Bus.
Jerri gets on the bus.
Jerri: I got something to say! I�ve got something to say!! Now, I don�t wanna ruin your all�s fun. Because I know morality isn�t sexy. But I want you all to know that I can�t go to Good Time Island, because I won�t turn snitch. Alright, alright, alright, in the old days I might�ve. But I�ve changed. People change. Changes�I�m not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I�m not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans, such as yourself. And I�m not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleischman�s holly bushes�last night. I should be sitting on this bus, but instead, I�m gonna be at home with my dead lobster�and the knowledge that I did right. Thank you.
Blackman: That was a moving speech, Jerri. Now, get off!
Jerri: Wait. Clearly, she�s retarded. I mean, if she wasn�t, she wouldn�t be a suspect in the first place!
Blackman: Paydirt! Noblet, cart her away. Nice try, young lady.
Kimberly: I�m not retarded! No! I�m not retarded!
Blackman: Jerri, take her place.
Jerri sits down.
Blackman: Well, what are you gonna do, once you get to Good Time Island?
Jerri: I�m gonna get laid!
Everyone cheers.
Blackman: Pleasure-ho!
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