Officer: OK. First of all, I want you all to know you make me sick. And I'm sure there's something I could bust each and every one of you little mother-lovers for. And frankly, I'd love nothing more than to see each and every one of you in prison. But, hey, I've been asked not to talk about my fantasies, so I'm gonna talk to you about street drugs. Now, this little tin right here contains the whole rigmarole. Alright? I got some big fat doobies in here, I got both your powdered and your crack cocaine, I got your goofballs, I got your peyote, amphetamines and also mood stabilizers. Alright, so let's pop a cork in the chatter and watch the film.
Officer on film: OK, first of all, I'd like you to know that you all make me sick. So let's pop a cork in the chatter and watch a film.
The "Drug Related Deaths" film starts.
Jerri (watching film): Ooh. (to camera) Hello. I'm Jerri Blank, and I'm a 46-year-old high school freshman. For 32 years I was a teenage runaway. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. My friends were dealers, cons and 18-karat pimps. But now, I'm out of jail, picking up my life exactly where I left off. I'm back in high school, living at home and discovering all sorts of things about my body. I'm finding out that though the faces have changed, the hassles are just the same.
Scene � Mr. Noblet�s classroom.
Poppy Downes: And meanwhile, our cousins from the east were eating bowls of rice, safely nestled in their internment camps.
Noblet: Excellent report, Poppy.
Poppy: Thanks.
Noblet: It�s important that we never forget the atrocities the Japanese committed against our boys. OK? Good job. Jerri, are you ready with your report?
Jerri (in front of the class): History has taught us many things. For example: I can�t smoke one stick of pot or take one needle of coke. One night � I�ll make this quick � one night, I was thrown by a horse and I had to have a laminectomy.
Noblet: Thank you, Jerri.
Jerri: Now you all know the size of a king-size sheet, right? Well, you try scrambling down that in the dark after a boot of scag or a snort of horse.
Noblet: Really, Jerri, that�s fine. What was your report on again?
Jerri: Brazil.
Noblet: Thank you, Jerri.
Jerri: Oh, real quick, I need to know who�s coming to my party on Friday night. (nobody responds) Oh, you know, that�s cool, you can just tell me later, or just come. We�re serving hot fruit.
(bell rings)
Noblet: Alright, everybody, for tomorrow read chapters 15 through 23. Rise of the Incas.
(students groan)
Jerri: Oh, come off it. What are you...
(the class leaves)
Noblet: Jerri, can you stay a minute?
Jerri: Oh, oh, I gotta leave early today. I�m having my uterus scraped. Oh, I, uh, I brought a note.
Noblet: I know, I read the note. We all read the note. Jerri, I�m a little bit concerned about all this �party� talk. I think you should be more concerned with your failing grades.
Jerri: Failing grades? Well, we�ve only been in school for three days.
Noblet: I�ve calculated your final grade point average, based on this morning�s geography pop quiz. I�m afraid it all adds up to you being held back.
Jerri: But if I don�t graduate by the time I�m 50, I�ll be the laughingstock of Flatpoint High!
Noblet: Then I suggest you spend a little bit more time thinking about your grades and a little less about parties.
Jerri: Well, I�m only having this party so I can make some friends.
Noblet: Jerri, let me give you a little advice: No one makes friends with a failure. OK? You understand? Now you run along and have fun. Bye-bye. Lock the door.
Scene � Lockers.
Jerri: Hey, Poppy. I see you haven�t had a chance to sign up for my party yet.
Poppy: Oh, no, I guess I haven�t had a chance yet.
Jerri: Well, maybe now would be a good time to do it.
Poppy: You know, I�m a little busy.
Jerri: Oh. Well, you look really busy. Gosh. Hey! You wanna do something after school today?
Poppy: Oh, you know, Jerri, I can�t. Um, I�m being fitted for the Homecoming crown.
Jerri: Oh. Hey, well, maybe Saturday we can go to uh, Mini Strokes and play some putt-putt!
Poppy: Oh yeah, maybe not! (she leaves)
Orlando: Hey, Jerri, what�s up?
Jerri: Way to go! I was this close getting Poppy to sign up for the party, and then you came and you scared her away.
Orlando: You don�t want those girls at your party anyway, Jerri. You should hear the things they say about your face behind your back.
Jerri: Yeah, but if they don�t come, then it�s just gonna be you and me, I mean, bring a book. Oh, forget about it. Let�s go to lunch, I�m starving.
Orlando: I can�t go to lunch. I have to work on a paper.
Jerri: Oh, boo-hoo, I won�t be dining with a pan-faced chimp. (does chimp imitation) I�ll peel my own bananas!
Scene � Cafeteria.
Jerri is eating alone.
Scene � Mr. Jellineck�s classroom.
Jerri: Mr. Jellineck?
Jellineck: Uh-huh?
Jerri: Ah, what are you painting?
Jellineck: Oh, just a little bit of Americana for Drug Awareness Week. It�s The Battle of Miami. I�ve got Columbus here, fighting the pilgrims as they attempted to land.
Jerri: Nice colors. Could I talk to you for a second?
Jellineck: Jerri, you know my door is always open. What�s on your mind?
Jerri: Well, you seem like an outsider.
Jellineck: I�m an artist.
Jerri: Well, I�m having a hard time fitting in and making friends.
Jellineck: Really? You have such a beautiful brother.
Jerri: Stepbrother.
Jellineck: Oh, oh, of course. Listen to me, Jerri. You know something? You�re a very special person. Do you know that? Yes, you are. You�re a joy to be around, you�re beautiful inside�and you know what? All you need to do to fit in, you just need to dig deep inside and find out what makes you unique. Just dig around like a badger in a trashcan.
Jerri laughs.
Jellineck: Yes! And then, just go with what you know.
Jerri: Go with what you know!
Jellineck: Yes, go with what you know. Alright, now? OK, you run along, I got work to do. Lock that door on the way out.
Scene � Jerri arrives at her locker and finds the word �loser� written on her party signup sheets; she throws them on the floor. She then reaches into her locker and takes out her pet turtle, Shelly.
Jerri: Shelly! How�s my favorite little turtle? Come �ere. Ah, Shelly. I think Mr. Jellineck was right. I only wish I knew what I had to offer. Oh, Babies. I love you, Shelly. You�re the only one I can talk to. I would just die if anything ever, ever happened to you. (kiss) Come on, let�s go get you a badge, because you know what? It�s Shelly for president!
Scene � Girls� restroom; Poppy is laughing with two of her friends, one of whom is writing �Jerri is a loser� on the wall of a stall.
Poppy: I mean, can you imagine what type of loser party she�ll have?
Girl # 1: I know.
Jerri enters the restroom, unnoticed by the other girls.
Poppy (doing a Jerri impression): Hey guys, bring hot fruit.
(the others laugh)
Girl # 2: Good joke, Poppy.
Girl (off-screen): My God, we should go just to have a good laugh.
(they notice Jerri)
Poppy: Oh, hi Jerri.
Jerri: Oh, hi.
Poppy: Gosh, that�s a nice outfit. Where�d you get it?
Jerri: I got it at The Comfort Zone.
Poppy: Oh, really? Well, you can�t tell.
(the girls laugh)
Jerri: You know, why can�t we just be friends?
Girl # 2: Because people like you and people like us are never friends.
Jerri starts to leave.
Girl # 2: She really thinks we�re gonna be friends�
Jerri (to herself hearing Mr. Jellineck�s voice): Just go with what you know! (turns around to the other girls) Who wants to go to a cockfight? I�ll drive!
(the girls laugh)
Girl # 1: A cockfight?
The girls say goodbye to each other and Girl # 2 leaves the restroom.
Jerri (to Girl # 1): Hey, don�t you girls hate it when air gets trapped in this region? No?
Girl # 1 leaves the restroom.
Jerri (to Poppy): I can make drugs.
Poppy: Oh really, Jerri? Is that a fact?
Jerri: I could whip a batch tonight with my eyes closed. I�ll make you trip your tight little ass off.
Poppy: OK, Jerri. Why don�t you just do that and bring it to school tomorrow and uh, we�ll just see?
Jerri: Alrighty, we�ll just see.
Poppy (as she leaves the restroom) �Scuse me.
Jerri: Oh, and Poppy, I suggest you pack a little bag, because tomorrow, you�re going on the trip of your life.
Jerri enters a stall and makes a disgusted sound.
Scene � Jerri�s house.
Jerri: Daddy? Uh, do you have a minute? Uh, hey, school went really great today. But, uh, well, I need to uh, I need to ask you for some advice. See, I�ve got this friend. You don�t know her or anything, um, she�s a very pretty girl, outgoing, beautiful, gorgeous. Anyway, this friend, uh, well, all she really wants is for people to like her, see, and she thinks she might�ve found a way, even though it�s illegal and might violate my parole.
Derrick enters the room.
Derrick: Hey, Pops, can I have a few bucks for some chow?
Derrick takes the money from his father.
Derrick: Thanks, Pops. Hey, Jer, I hear Ann�s coming to your party.
Jerri: Really? Ann who?
Derrick: Ann Visible. No one�s coming to your party, Plug. Color me outta here.
Jerri: Yeah, well, sleep lightly, ya pussy.
Derrick (whose shirt is caught on Dad�s fingers): You�re lucky Pop�s here. Expect me when you least expect me.
Derrick leaves.
Jerri: Stupid blood fart!
Sara: Jerri?
Jerri: Well, he is.
Sara: Oh, Jerri, I don�t mean to butt in, but maybe you and Derrick could co-host the party.
Jerri: What?
Sara: That way, it would be well attended and you could um, go to bed early!
Scene � Jerri�s bedroom.
Jerri is on her bed and she takes out an urn with her mother in it.
Jerri: Hey, Mom! It�s me, Jerri. (while making Glint) It�s not so bad making friends with drugs, is it? I mean, come on, it always worked before. In the old days, I would turn people on to hash, or Thai stick or a palm-full of goofballs or ludes. God, they don�t make those anymore. Or, oh, sometimes, this would do the trick: Stoney and I would go over to Buckle�s and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. Mmm! I�d wake up with blood on my ass and then we�d get high. God, those were some good times, mmm!
Scene � Locker room.
Poppy: So, Jerri. You all talk or what?
Jerri: Why don�t you see what this has to say, huh? (takes out a bag of Glint)
Poppy: What is it?
Jerri: Well, street name�s Glint. But it�s also known as Glow, Glimmer or Satan�s Harelip. You just uh, rub it on your lips.
Poppy: Yeah, and then what?
Jerri: Well, that�s it. Then just relax and let it take you away. Hmm?
Poppy takes some Glint.
Jerri: Go easy there, Poppy.
Poppy puts the Glint on her lips.
Jerri: Gosh, I�ve never seen anyone do that much Glint before.
Poppy: It�s making my lips numb.
Jerri: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it�s gonna numb it. Actually, it�s gonna numb it wherever you
apply it�which could be a godsend. I used to apply it liberally when I did this donkey show in Tijuana�
Poppy: You�re weird, Jerri.
Jerri: I am? Thanks, Poppy.
Scene � Gymnasium.
Jerri (to Poppy�s friends): Hey, listen um, I�m gonna have a make-out room at my party on Friday. And I�m gonna have a cheese ball. Yeah? Oh and you gotta bring, uh, uh, records.
Coach Wolf: Alright, let�s climb some ropes!
Student: Can we have mats underneath the ropes?
Wolf: Only if you fall. Let�s climb! OK ladies, time to climb. (notices Poppy) Are you alright, Miss Downes? You seem...detached.
Poppy: I�m like, fine.
Wolf: OK then, let�s climb! OK, everybody. Now, ladies, on your marks, go! Yes, yes, do it, come on, Jerri, wrist over wrist, you can do it, you can do it, come on!
Poppy zooms up the rope and rings the bell. She goes back down the rope.
Wolf: I am impressed, Miss Downes.
Poppy: I�m a bumblebee.
Wolf: I�m sorry?
Poppy: I�m a bee and I have to get back to the hive.
Poppy runs towards a keyhole.
Jerri: Poppy!
Scene � Outside Principal Blackman�s office.
Blackman: Thank you, Miss Beneman. I suggest massive amounts of selenium sulfide. It makes the teeth translucent. Come on in, Miss Blank.
Jerri sits in front of Principal Blackman�s desk.
Blackman: As you know, we�re meeting with all of the students today. There was a terrible tragedy in Gym. Poppy Downes overdosed; thought herself to be a bumblebee. Tried to force herself through a keyhole�and now lies motionless in a coma. Her parents are deeply distraught.
Principal Blackman pushes a button to open a curtain and reveal Poppy�s sobbing parents.
Blackman: Jerri, do you know who supplied Poppy Downes with the drugs that tore her life from her frail, yet popular body?
Jerri: No.
Principal Blackman pushes the button to close the curtain.
Blackman: I believe you, Jerri. I know this must be extremely hard on you. Word has it that you and Poppy are as thick as thieves.
Jerri: Oh, yeah, well, you know, we hang.
Blackman: So do tell me anything you might happen to remember. And if you need to have your memory jarred, I can supply you with plenty of L-Glutamine.
Scene � Jerri�s house; Guy, Sara and Derrick are eating dinner at the table.
Sara and Derrick are laughing.
Sara: Oh, Guy!
Derrick: Good one, Dad, do it again!
Sara: Guy, don�t you dare! Stay in your chair or you�ll spill your food.
Jerri arrives.
Sara: Oh, hello, Jerri, you�re late for supper.
Jerri: Sorry. Hey, did anyone call about my party?
Sara: Nope. Derrick was just about to tell us how he lost two pounds by spitting.
Derrick: So anyway, Coach said if I could drop to 109, probably make all-state.
Sara: That�s wonderful, Derrick. So how did school go for you today, Jerri?
Derrick: Poppy Downes OD�d and she�s in a coma.
Sara: Poppy Downes is in a coma? What a shame. You know, if she doesn�t pull through, I�ll have the Widow�s League send over some casseroles. They need comfort food.
Derrick: I�d take it over.
Sara: So do they know where she got the drugs?
Derrick: No, but if Poppy ever wakes up, Principal Blackman says he has ways to get it out of her.
Sara: Ooh. Jerri, do you �
Jerri: I don�t even know her! Well, well, those keyholes are a menace! Someone was bound to freak out and thrash themselves through one! I spent 32 years of my life selling my body for an ounce of tic and, and cooking my breakfast up in a teaspoon and, and hanging out with the gutter hypes! You�re not pinning this one on me, Baby!
Sara: No dessert, Jerri. Don�t touch the dog. Don�t rub your feces on the lampshade.
Scene � Jerri is on her bed and her turtle is on it.
Jerri: Shelly�first of all, I wanna reiterate that I would die if anything ever happened to you. And secondly, if Poppy Downes comes out of that coma, my popularity�s gonna go down the drain! There�s got to be something I can do.
Scene � Poppy�s hospital room.
Jerri unplugs another patient�s life support, thinking it�s Poppy�s.
Man: Oh, my dear God. My heart!
Jerri plugs it in again.
Jerri: Yeah, sorry. Uh-huh.
An orderly enters the room.
Orderly: What are you doing in here?
Jerri: Oh, I was, uh, holding a vigil.
Orderly: Oh. You must be her uncle.
The orderly turns off Poppy�s life support.
Jerri: What, what are you doing?
Orderly: Oh, didn�t you hear? Poppy passed away about an hour ago. Sorry for your loss.
He leaves the room.
Jerri: Yeah! Good times!
Scene � Gymnasium.
Blackman: We are here today to dedicate The Poppy Downes Memorial Time Capsule. Inside this sturdy lead container, we�ve placed a �good luck, Poppy� card, signed by some of our most popular students, a Flatpoint High �Home of the Concrete Donkey� tee shirt, and a photograph of me, dedicating the time capsule. Though we will soon forget where we placed this time capsule and sooner still who Poppy Downes was, we shall never forget the cause of her death. Now I know that whomever supplied her with the Glint is at this very moment eating themselves alive with guilt.
Jerri: I�ve got something to say.
She goes to the podium.
Jerri: I�m, uh, I�m having a Poppy Downes Memorial Party this Friday night at my house. Could I just maybe see a quick show of hands who might be able to come?
Scene � Jerri�s house during the party.
Noblet: Jerri, I wouldn�t worry about those grades. This party is an A+.
Jerri: Glad ya think so, Mr. Noblet.
Noblet: It�s really a loss about Poppy.
Jerri: Yeah, yeah, it�s too bad.
Jerri is talking to Poppy�s parents.
Jerri: Mr. and Mrs. Downes�as you probably know, I was uh, with your daughter during her final agonizing moments.
Jerri is talking to Poppy�s boyfriend Brad.
Jerri: Brad? Well, as you know, I was with your girlfriend Poppy during her uh, during her final moments.
Jerri is talking to Poppy�s parents.
Jerri: �and, well, I thought it might uh, comfort you to hear her last words:
Jerri is talking to Brad.
Jerri: ��take care of my boyfriend�physically.�
Jerri is talking to Poppy�s parents.
Jerri: ��they may never know who gave me these drugs�but at least it wasn�t you, Jerri Blank, my new best friend.�
Jerri is assaulting Brad.
Jerri: That�s it, come to Mama. Come on.
Jerri is talking to Poppy�s parents.
Jerri: �and uh, well, then she died.
Jerri is assaulting Brad, now on the floor.
Jerri: Clear the room! Clear the room!
Scene � Later, at the party.
Jerri walks over to a partygoer named Amber.
Jerri: Hi, Amber. How do you like the hot fruit?
Amber: It makes my lips numb.
Jerri (to herself): Well, that�s the same bowl I mixed the Glint in!
Jerri�s pet turtle Shelly is tossed to a partygoer named Paul.
Jerri (to Paul): OK, listen, Paul, OK, we�re all at a party, we�re having a really good time, OK, it�s just you and me and the turtle. Right? Give me the turtle. It�s a very long day. Give me the turtle.
Paul tosses Shelly to another partygoer.
Jerri (to the other partygoer): OK, party�s over, alright? I want you to give me the turtle, alright? You don�t know what you�re doing. Give me my turtle. Give it to me. Give me my turtle.
Noblet: Oh, leave �em alone, Jerri, they�re just blowing off a little grief.
Jerri (as the partygoers toss Shelly back and forth and up towards the ceiling fan): Shelly! Shelly! Shelly! Give me my turtle! Shelly! Shelly! No! No!
Shelly lands on the floor.
Jerri (happily): Oh, Shelly!
Partygoer (right before hitting Shelly with a golf club): Fore!
Shelly goes through a sliding glass door.
Blackman (outside): That was odd.
Jerri goes through the same glass door to retrieve Shelly.
Jerri: Shelly! Oh my God! Shelly! Oh, my � what have they done? What have I done? (she goes back into the house) Get outta my way! Oh, oh, Shelly. For reasons I�d rather not say, this is bitterly ironic. What a heavy price to pay for popularity. The Downes lost a child and I lost a turtle. Which is a greater loss? I don�t know. But I do know one thing: Come this Monday morning, everyone at this school will have pity on me�and that�s gotta be worth something. Right?
Blackman: It�s worth all the whiskey in a drunkard�s dreams, Jerri. Because no one can ever take that pity away. You�ve earned it.
Jerri: Yeah. Yeah!
Scene � Jerri is in bed.
Jerri (to camera): Well, with the exception of Shelly and Poppy Downes, everything turned out to be pretty OK. They never did find out who killed Poppy, so I guess justice was served. I also realized that this second time through high school, I�m a little bit wiser. Oh, I�m still doing the wrong things, but at least I�m doing them the right way. Oh, I almost forgot� (she picks up the urn with her mother in it) Hi, Mother. It�s me, Jerri. Um, there�s someone I want you to meet. (she picks up a container with Shelly�s ashes in it) Shelly, this is my real mother. Mom, this is Shelly. (she pours Shelly�s ashes into the urn with her mother�s ashes) Now, don�t you two stay up yakking all night. Goodnight.
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