The girls are choosing players for dodge ball teams.
Jerri: Over here, come on! Over here!
Yasmine Sarong: OK, um, Jen and Heather, Stacey, Brianna.
Jerri: Come on, Yasmine! Come on, Yasmine, pick me! Look, I got the legs of a mongoose!
Yasmine: Uh, it looks like I�m gonna go with�Peggy.
Jerri: Peggy?!
Yasmine: Sorry, Jer, looks like you�re odd man out.
Jerri: Yeah, well, it�s, it�s your loss. I got a wicked arm, ya know.
The girls begin playing dodge ball while Jerri stands and watches them play.
Jerri: Come on! Wooh! Let�s go!
Jerri gets hit in the face with the dodge ball.
Jerri: Ow! Ah! Nice aim, Yasmine.
Yasmine: Sorry. But I�m sure it�s not the first time you had balls slam against your face.
Jerri fakes a laugh and watches them play again.
Jerri: Come on, come on, come on�
Jerri gets hit and falls to the mat.
Jerri: She did it � I�m not even playing! (to camera) Hi. I�m Jerri Blank, and I�m a 46-year-old ex-con high school freshman. Ya know, high school�s a lot like the slammer. The food sucks. They tell you where to go and how to do it. And if someone tries to make you their bitch, you just stick �em with a shiv in the showers.
Jerri gets hit with a ball again.
Jerri: Ah!
Scene � School.
Mr. Jellineck approaches some football players.
Jellineck: Hey, you there, varsity. I�m serious, now. I better start seeing some of your young, athletic faces in my art class.
P-John: Hey, Mr. Jellineck, there�s a rumor that you�re running for Homecoming Queen.
Jellineck: That�s a contest for the girls, P-John. I�m a boy.
P-John: Aw, too bad. You got such pretty hair.
Mr. Jellineck walks away and starts to cry. Jerri walks past the football players.
P-John: Come here, girl.
P-John barks at her.
Trake: Hey, Jer, I got a bone for ya.
Jerri: Yeah, well, I want a meal, not a snack.
Football players: Ooh!
Jerri walks away.
P-John: Derrick, I can�t believe she�s your sister.
Derrick: Aw, half-sister.
Trake: Yeah, but she�s all ugly.
Scene � School, near Homecoming Queen nomination box.
Jerri is looking at herself in a mirror on the wall. Orlando approaches her.
Orlando: You should run for Homecoming Queen, Jerri.
Jerri: What? Are you joking? I don�t think I�m what the boys consider a �traditional� beauty.
Orlando: Aw, in my country you�d be a real queen.
Jerri: Yeah, well, that�s �cause your country�s ruled by monkeys.
Orlando: Jerri, that�s an ugly thing to say.
Jerri: Geez, why are you people so sensitive about your resemblance to monkeys? They�re adorable! Y�know, I guess I�m not so bad. I do have a winning smile. What the heck, I�m gonna do it!
Orlando: Good for you, Jerri.
Jerri: I mean, why shouldn�t I? Ya know, I used to make a living on these looks alone. Well, these looks and a very friendly Mexican donkey named Ramon. Oh, Ramon. Mmm! Good times!
Jerri puts her name on a ballot and she puts the ballot in the nomination box.
Jerri: We�ll see!
Orlando: Alright!
Scene � Mr. Noblet�s class.
Noblet: Baklava. Now, can anyone tell me the tragic irony of the Trojan War? Anybody? Tina.
Tina: Um, that horses are friendly creatures, yet a hollow, wooden one was used to destroy Troy?
Noblet: Wrong and no. Anyone else?
Chip: Ooh!
Noblet: Chip.
Chip: That the mighty warrior, Achilles, was killed by a small cut to his ankle.
Noblet: Chip is wronger. OK. Here it is: The tragic irony of the Trojan War is that though it was fought over Helen, who was young and beautiful, by the time they rescued her ten years later, she was old and ugly.
Tina: But wasn�t recovering the king�s wife reward enough for the Greeks?
Noblet: Tina, an ugly woman is never a reward. Remember that. OK, moving on. Spiro, you�re Greek�how do you think Achilles felt � Jerri, what do you have there?
Jerri has a note, which she was passing to Orlando.
Jerri: Nothing.
Noblet: Let�s have it.
Jerri: It�s nothing.
Noblet: Let�s have it, Jerri. Give it to me.
Mr. Noblet grabs Jerri�s note.
Noblet (reading Jerri�s note): My vagina is on fire. I�m trying not to scratch it, Orlando. I�m afraid it�ll get infected. PS, I just know I�m gonna win the Homecoming Queen. That�ll show those sons of bitches, especially Noblet, that homo� Jerri? See me after class.
The bell rings.
Jerri (to Orlando): Way to go.
The class leaves. Jerri walks over to Mr. Noblet.
Jerri: You wanted to see me?
Noblet: Jerri, I am alarmed by the content of this note.
Jerri: My vagina�s been all puffy.
Noblet: Jerri, the other content.
Jerri: I just wanna be Homecoming Queen so badly.
Noblet: Jerri, I know you wanna be Homecoming Queen. We all want to be Homecoming Queen. I just don�t think you should get your hopes up.
Jerri: Why not?
Noblet: Well, you fall short on so many of the essential elements.
Jerri: Well, like, which ones?
Noblet: A lot of them. Beauty�yeah, beauty. Jerri, look, don�t get down. You wanna hear a little secret? You�re only as ugly as we think you are. Ya understand? Now why don�t you run along? Go on. Have fun. You�re only young once. Enjoy it. You have fun.
Mr. Noblet goes over to his desk, looks at himself in a mirror and cries.
Scene � Homecoming Queen nomination box.
Jerri is trying to open the nomination box and Orlando approaches her.
Orlando: What are you doing, Jerri?
Jerri: You idiot! What�d I let you make me do? I gotta get my name out of this ballot box before anybody finds out.
Orlando: It�s too late, Jerri. The whole class heard Mr. Noblet read your note.
Jerri: That�s right. I�m gonna be the laughingstock of Flatpoint High!
Orlando: Hey, maybe you�ll win.
Jerri: Yeah, if nobody else was nominated!
Orlando and Jerri: Shh.
Jerri: Quick, hand me your afro-pick. Oh, that�s right, you got that coconut-head hair. (she looks in her backpack) What have I got in here, anything? Yeah, come on.
Jerri takes a tool out of her backpack.
Jerri: Stand back.
Orlando: What are you doing?
Jerri opens the nomination box, takes the ballots out of the box and puts them in her backpack.
Jerri: �get rid of these�these�that�s it. (reading a ballot) �Jerri Blank,� I�m the only one left.
Orlando: Jerri, you can�t run against yourself.
Jerri: Oh, that�s right. I need somebody ugly. Who can I shanghai? No offense.
Orlando: I�m not Chinese; I�m Filipino.
Jerri: Whatever lets ya sleep at night.
Becky Ann Bedecker walks through the door, helping Spencer.
Spencer: Thanks for carrying my stuff, Becky.
Becky Ann: Just trying to help, Spencer.
Jerri: Of course! Becky Ann Bedecker! Thank you, Jesus, Daddy and the Spook! Very sweet girl, but a face that I can beat with my ass.
Jerri writes Becky Ann�s name on the nomination ballot and puts it in the nomination box. Principal Blackman walks over to the nomination box.
Blackman: Alright. Give way. Make room. The nominations for my Homecoming entrants are now closed. Des gustibus non disputandum est. Let�s get it on!
He picks up the nomination box and carries it away. He bumps into a student.
Blackman: Oh, pardon me.
Jerri and Orlando walk away.
Jerri: Have you seen Booty Call?
Scene � Cafeteria.
Mr. Jellineck is trying to find a seat.
Jellineck: Hey there. Lunchtime � second most important meal of the day. Varsity. (Trake prevents Mr. Jellineck from sitting down) You kidders.
Mr. Jellineck gets up and heads for Jerri�s table.
Jellineck: Hey, Jerri. Say, mind if I join you or are you saving all these empty chairs for somebody?
Jerri: No. Hey, what are you doing here, Mr. Jellineck?
Jellineck: Oh, I just like to eat with you kids every so often � keeps me in touch. Hey! I just heard about your nomination. Good for you.
Jerri: Yeah, I�m pretty sure I got this one wrapped up.
Jellineck: I don�t know. I hear uh, Becky Ann Bedecker�s in the race, and she could be some stiff competition.
Jerri: Eh, she�s a cave-dweller.
Jellineck: Yes, she is, but she�s a shoe-in for that inner beauty category.
Jerri: Inner beauty? What�s that?
Jellineck: It�s only the most important category in the whole competition.
Jerri: Well, how am I supposed to flaunt my inner beauty in front of a bunch of judges?
Jellineck: Well, traditionally, each contestant helps someone needy.
Jerri: I don�t know anything about helping people. Do you?
Jellineck: �Course I do. Why do you think I�m such a popular teacher? (he gets hit with a hamburger bun) Good one, P-John! Jerri, if you really wanna win the Homecoming crown, it�s inner beauty that wins people�s hearts. (he gets hit with a baked potato) God damn it! A baked potato? That hurt! Look, I�m enjoying this as much as you people, but it is gonna stop now!
Mr. Jellineck gets hit in the head with an apple and falls out of his chair.
Jerri: Ya know, I really do wanna win, but I don�t know if I wanna help someone. Lemme think about it.
Scene � Jerri�s bedroom.
Jerri is wearing a sash and she puts on a crown. She looks in a mirror.
Jerri: Oh, Jerri.
Her stepmother enters the doorway and gasps.
Sara: Jerri! What are you doing with my crown? Please, don�t soil my memories. Oh, my crown! (she puts on the crown) Ta-da!
Jerri: Wow. Mom, what�d you do win Homecoming Queen?
Sara: Other than the obvious? Well, let�s see, I gave the donkey a record four-and-a-half foot toss, and for the inner beauty section, I, um, what�d I�? Oh, yes, I collected Green Stamps for the terminally ill.
Jerri: Wow.
Sara: Why?
Jerri: I was nominated today.
Sara: Oh, Jerri, I�m sorry. Kids can be so cruel in their pranks. I�ll have your father call Principal Black Man tomorrow.
Jerri: It wasn�t a prank. It�s for real, Stepmother. And I have a good chance of winning!
Sara: Of course, you do, Darling � and I�m a caribou. Sash, please? (Jerri gives it to her) Oh, oh!
Scene � Jerri�s living room.
Derrick and Yasmine are making out on the couch. Jerri enters the room.
Jerri: Hey, Dicklick. Hey, Dicklick, I need to talk to you for a second.
Derrick: Take a hike, Rub. I�m making out with Yasmine.
Yasmine: Hey, Jerri, how�s your face?
Jerri: Oh, a lot of the swelling�s gone down, but thanks for asking, Yasmine.
Derrick: Beat it, Plug. I don�t wanna associate you with pleasure.
Jerri: Well, look, I�ll make this as quick as possible. As you may have heard, I was nominated for Homecoming Queen today.
Derrick: More like, �Queen of the Trolls.�
Yasmine and Derrick laugh.
Derrick: You like that, Yasmine? Turn you on when I�m mean to her?
Yasmine: Yeah. Yeah, it does.
Derrick: Oh, me too.
Derick and Yasmine make out.
Jerri: Excuse me. And since you�re varsity and you guys get to vote for the Queen, can I ask who you guys are gonna vote for?
Derrick: Becky Ann. All of us are.
Jerri: Becky Ann? But why?
Derrick: Oh, that�s tricky. I mean, granted, they�re both ugly, right?
Yasmine: Oh, yeah.
Derrick: What can I say? She helps people. And, since you both basically cancel each other out on looks, that�s all we have to go on.
Derrick and Yasmine laugh and then start making out.
Jerri (to Yasmine): You know he�s gay, right?
Derrick tries to get up.
Derrick: You are so lucky I have an erection right now.
Scene � School.
Jerri enters the school dressed as a clown. She�s pushing a boy in a wheelchair.
Jerri: Excuse me! Excuse me! Homecoming Queen nominee coming through! Crippled boy! Crippled boy here!
Boy: Can you not call me that?
Orlando: What are you doing, Jerri?
Jerri: Well, I volunteered to entertain sickly children at the hospital.
Orlando: Then why aren�t you at the hospital?
Jerri: Well, if a tree is nice in the forest and no one is there to see it, does it become Homecoming Queen? Hand me my golden satchels, please, Orlando.
Becky Ann: Hi there, Jerri.
Jerri: Oh, hello, Becky. I hear most of the people you help can walk. How convenient.
Trake: What�s wrong with him, Jer?
Jerri: Don�t touch! Step away. What this youngster needs is some lighthearted clowning to lift his spirits! Yay! It�s time for the animal show! Wooh!
Orlando (looking in a sack): Where�d you get the chicken, Jerri?
Jerri: Oh, from a Korean grocer. OK. Once upon a time, there was a princess named Clucker! (she takes out the chicken) Wooh! Clucker! And everybody thought she was ugly, but her insides had ruby eggs. But she was so lonely�until one dark night, a handsome prince showed up to the castle. His name was Prince Weasel! (she takes out a weasel) Yay! Prince Weasel! Wooh! (she puts the chicken and weasel inside of a �castle�) There we go. So�well, at first, alright, the prince started circling the princess�which made the princess a little nervous. Aw, then he kissed her on the neck. Slow down, Prince. Oh, God. Oh, God!
Boy: He kissed her head off.
Jerri (to the animals): OK, calm down. Stop it.
Becky Ann (to the boy): It�s OK. I�ll take you away from the scary clown.
Jerri: No, come back! Everybody, it�s OK, it�s cool. It�s just a little blood, and we�ve all seen blood before. Oh! Get out of the way, go!
Scene � Outside the school.
Coach Wolf, Mr. Jellineck and Mr. Noblet are sunbathing.
Wolf: Anybody want lemon?
Noblet: Geoffrey, would I make a good strawberry blonde?
Jellineck: I�ve always thought so.
Noblet: Bring it on, Cherri.
The lemon is passed to Mr. Noblet. Jerri approaches the teachers.
Jerri: Mr. Jellineck, can I talk to you?
Noblet: Aw, you�re in my sun!
Jellineck: What�s on your mind, Jerri?
Jerri: I don�t think I�m good at helping other people.
Jellineck: Why not?
Jerri: Well, first of all, I don�t like people. I like me.
Jellineck: Does everything have to be about you, Jerri?
Jerri: Well, I may not be much, but I�m all I think about.
Wolf: Well, that�s exactly how ya help people. Talk about you. Share what�s in here. (points to her heart)
Jerri: Yeah?
Wolf: That�s where the true beauty is. (to Jellineck) Did I get any color today?
Jellineck: Oh, yeah.
Principal Blackman arrives.
Blackman: Make room for my big, royal hiney. Noblet, you are in my spot.
Noblet: Sorry.
Principal Blackman takes Mr. Noblet�s spot.
Blackman: Ah.
Noblet: Can I lotion you up?
Blackman: No, thank you. *Betty* Ann Bedecker already greased me.
Jerri: Damn.
Blackman: I hope she didn�t use too much sunscreen. By Homecoming, I wanna be as dark as an eggplant.
Jerri picks up a chicken wing.
Noblet (knocking the chicken wing out of Jerri�s hand): Jerri.
The chicken wing lands on Principal Blackman.
Blackman: Where�s my lemon? (squeezes it onto his head) Ah.
Scene � Auditorium; Homecoming celebration.
Cheerleader: Go, Flatpoint, go! Go, Donkeys!
Blackman: Oh! Let�s hear it for the Donkettes, huh? Yeah! Hey, do we know what time it is? Do we all know what time it is?
Audience: It�s donkey time!
Blackman: That�s right!
The donkey mascot comes out and dances.
Blackman: Now it�s time to rope and brand the donkey.
The football players knock down the donkey mascot.
Donkey mascot: No! No!
Blackman: I claim this mule for Flatpoint! Expose his flank; I only get one chance at this.
Jerri and Becky Ann are backstage.
Jerri: Well, Bec, I guess you proved your insides are prettier than mine. What was I thinking? Me, Queen�a boozer, a user and a two-time loser.
Becky Ann: Well, Jerri, maybe someday you�ll learn to use your horrible past to help other students avoid the same road you traveled.
Wolf�s voice: Talk about you. Talk about you.
The football players drag the donkey mascot away.
Blackman: And we�ll do the same to the Charlatan Cocks! But now, it�s time to crown our Queen. We�re going to hear from each contestant as they tell us why they want to be Queen. Becky Ann Bedecker�
Becky Ann (at the microphone): Thank you. Before yesterday, I thought being Queen was the most important thing. But after coming to the aid of a small, wheelchair-bound boy, I realized that by helping others, I�ve already won my crown. A crown that fits snugly around my heart. Thank you.
Blackman: Thank you, Becky, for that heartwarming blather. Jerri?
Jerri (at the microphone): How many of you wanna wake up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you hope is your own filth? Any takers? Well, hopefully what I gotta say will keep that from ever happening. The Jew in the back, I know what you�re thinking. You�re thinking, �Not me.� Well, I�m one tough cookie and I couldn�t get away with it.
Student: Get away with what?
Jerri: Whatever it is you do that I did. (she walks over to a student) What�s your darkest secret?
Student: Maybe I study too much?
Jerri: Obsessive. Just like me. Ya know, if I bought a tan dress, I had to have it in every color � in bone, in beige, in tan. (to Spiro) You, with the hair � how do you cope with society�s bull?
Spiro: I just do my best to fit in.
Jerri: Exactly! I couldn�t hit the street scene with the squares, so I�d shoot up a hot load right there, just so I could cope. (to another student) How do you get off?
Student: What are you talking about?
Jerri: Right, escapist, just like I used to be. Go ahead and do one snort of tic, and you know where you�re gonna end up? In the bus station, making junk money by turning tricks for Indonesian businessmen! Now, I know what I�m talking about, because I was a pathological liar and everything I�m saying is the truth! Thank you.
Orlando applauds and the other audience members join him. The audience members stand up as they applaud. They yell out Jerri�s name over and over again in unison.
Blackman: Well, we certainly have a race on our hands. Judges, tally your votes. Tally-ho! (he receives the paper with the winner�s name and he looks at it) And, my new Queen is� (he looks at Jerri and then at the audience) Yasmine Sarong!
Yasmine: Oh, my God!
Jerri: Yasmine? Well, she wasn�t even nominated!
Blackman (to Yasmine): Congratulations.
Jerri looks at the paper with the judges� choice on it.
Jerri: This says, �Jerri!�
Blackman: Oh, close, very close.
Jerri: Close? I won!
Blackman: Jerri, clearly you have inner beauty. Now, if you could take that beauty, wrap it around your face like bacon around a filet � you�d have something. Yo, Yazzy, wait up for me!
Orlando joins Jerri on the stage.
Orlando: Hey, Jerri. I�m sorry about what happened. You got robbed, man.
Jerri: No, Orlando. I learned a valuable lesson: Being beautiful on the inside may be its own reward, but it can never beat an ass like Yasmine. Mmm! Damn, she�s got a nice ass! (she notices the donkey mascot) Oh, look, the donkey�s still kicking. Hey, let me show you some tricks I used to do with Ramon. Oh, Ramon. (they go over to the mascot) I�ll show ya � I�ll show ya an easy one�ya get the teeth�
transcripts page.