Mr. Noblet is at a urinal and Mr. Jellineck enters the restroom.
Jellineck: I understand these are broken.
Noblet: Yeah, that�s what I heard.
Jellineck: I can wait.
Noblet: I�ll just be a minute.
Jellineck: So, is that your uh, boy out there on the playground?
Noblet: Seamus? Yeah, he�s a real scrapper. He sure does miss his mom.
Jellineck: What uh�
Noblet: We lost her to um� let�s just say she went quickly.
Jellineck: I�m sorry.
Noblet: How �bout you, is uh, that your boy taking over the monkey bars out there?
Jellineck: That�s Toby. Certainly is a handful for a single parent.
Noblet: I�m sorry, is there no Mrs. um�
Jellineck: Jellineck, I�m Geoffrey Jellineck, I�m the new art teacher.
Noblet: Oh, of course you are! Hi, I�m Chuck Noblet, social studies, creative writing, school newspaper, assistant to the principal.
Jellineck: What don�t you do?
Noblet: Get my lesson plans in on time.
Jellineck: I hear ya.
Noblet: Hey, I�m hogging this thing, get in here. So, um�oh, I�m sorry. (flushes the urinal) Is there no Mrs. Jellineck?
Jellineck: No.
Noblet: Divorce?
Jellineck: She was uh�she was murdered.
Noblet: Sometimes, that can be just as painful.
They look at each other, shut off the light and get physical.
Jerri (to camera): Hi. I�m Jerri Blank. I�m a 46-year old high school freshman. Thirty-two years ago, I ran away and became entangled in the slithering underbelly of America. I had a lot of fun, did a little time. But now I�m back in high school, living at home, picking up my life exactly where I left off.
Scene � Coach Wolf�s class.
Wolf (after doing a demonstration with a condom and a watermelon): Any questions? OK. Today we�re gonna be talking about reproduction and its consequences. In order for you to learn what it�s like to take care of a ten-pound �baby,� each of you will be taking care of�a ten-pound baby. First up: Jerri Blank.
Jerri: But I�ve had plenty of babies � just none I�ve carried to full-term.
Wolf: Come get the baby, Jerri.
Jerri: I don�t understand the point of this.
Wolf: The point, Jerri, is for you to learn a valuable lesson.
Jerri: Which is?
Wolf: Well, if I told you the lesson, you wouldn�t be learning it; I�d be teaching it. Alright. Moving right along�P-O-V-E-R-T-Y. Poverty.
The bell rings and the students leave the classroom.
Tammi Littlenut: Jerri, where is it gonna sleep?
Jerri: Sleep?
Student: Yeah, what are you going to feed it?
Jerri: Feed it?
Student: How much is it worth?
Jerri: Seventy G�s on the black market�twice that if the eyes stay blue.
Blackman: So, look who�s a single mother. I think it�s wonderful that Coach Wolf is giving away infants to you people. Rub some Vitamin E into its skull; helps close fontanel.
Jerri: That�s good to know.
Blackman: You can learn more at the library.
Jerri (to camera): I�ll go there now.
Scene � Library.
Jerri watches a film strip about single motherhood.
Narrator: So, you have a new baby. And, you�re a single mother, because, for whatever reason, your partner has left you. Maybe you chased him off with your shifting moods. Maybe he found someone younger who did not have a baby. Maybe you just wouldn�t shut up about the baby; �baby� this, �baby� that. Well, the fact is, he�s gone, and I, for one, don�t blame him. Good luck.
Jerri (to camera): That was informative.
Scene � Jerri�s house.
Jerri enters the kitchen as her stepmother is on the phone.
Jerri: Hey, Mother, guess what happened in school today!
Sara: Jerri, Jerri, can�t you see that I�m on hold?
Jerri: I bet you�ll never guess what they gave me in health class.
Sara (on phone): Yes, yes, everything�s working out just fine with Kim Luck. Yes, nothing enhances your life more than having a Cambodian war refugee to stay with you in your basement.
Jerri: Never mind.
Sara: Yes, we�re going to be having a benefit on, what is it�
Scene � Jerri�s bedroom.
Jerri takes the baby out of her backpack.
Jerri: Ah, hello, baby.
Derrick (entering the room): Hey, Troll, I heard the news. How�re you gonna breastfeed it with those yams of yours?
Jerri: You know, Derrick, yesterday, I would have found that very amusing. But now that I�m a mother, I�m a different person. It softens you. So take a hike, Dicklick.
Derrick (whose shirt is caught on the closet doorknob): You�re lucky this doorknob�s here. I�ll be lurking.
Jerri (as she puts the baby on top of her dresser): There ya go. (the baby reaches for a soda can) Huh? You like that? Huh? Nice and shiny? I can�t give this to you, it�s too big.
Jerri turns around to break the can in half. She turns around to find the baby in a laundry basket.
Jerri: Someone�s been drinking. Boy! I�m gonna call you �Dizzy.� Ah. I�ve got so much to teach you, Dizzy. And apparently, you�ve got a lot to teach me. I just wonder what the lesson could be. Go to sleep.
Jerri wakes up.
Jerri: Uhh�I haven�t had a night like that since�last night. Uhh�what�s that smell? Oh, you got a load for Mommy? Huh? No, you�re clean. (looks down at herself) Oh my dear lord.
Scene � Jerri�s kitchen.
Sara: Jerri, please keep it down, Kim Luck�s trying to scream. Come on, Darling, who�s to blame, was it Mommy? Cry outta that womb, Honey.
Derrick: Morning, Plug.
Jerri: Jerkoff.
Jerri kisses her father goodbye.
Jerri: Bye, Daddy.
Scene � Mr. Jellineck�s class.
Orlando is doing pottery.
Orlando: Mr. Jellineck! I can�t form the pot!
Jellineck: Easy there. OK, look�grasp the pot like you would a mischievous child�s neck. Go on, dig your thumbs in there like you�re gouging out the eyes of an enemy. Yes, that�s good. I�m gonna go run and get some cereal, you almost got a bowl there.
Jerri enters the classroom.
Jerri: Sorry I�m late.
Jellineck: That�s OK, Jerri, have a seat. It doesn�t matter when you get here � just what time. OK, everybody, we�re gonna take a look at those homework assignments. Uh-huh, let�s get �em out. Very nice. Uh-huh, that�s good. I like where you�re going.
Jerri takes the head off of Tammi�s project.
Jellineck: Anne, very nice. Frank, what is that, a bunny? I like it.
Jellineck: Tammi�needs a head. Jerri, do you have your homework assignment?
Jerri shows Mr. Jellineck her �project.�
Jellineck: What is it?
Jerri: Clearly, it�s a monkey�s paw. Well, uh, uh, an ashtray? Uh, a sleeping pill? I can�t do this. I�m so tired. I�m so tired, Mr. Jellineck. Look, I�m a single mother.
Jellineck: Jerri, that�s no excuse. Spiro here had a swimming practice and look what he was able to accomplish. Look, Jerri, in life we all have our babies. But you need to learn to prioritize. I mean, look at me, I have a son. He�s not always first on the list. Often he doesn�t even make the list. What�s that smell?
Jerri: Oh, uh, oh, Dizzy.
Jellineck: OK, everybody, let�s uh, crack a window.
Scene � Playground.
Jerri: Go play.
Orlando and his friends drive up.
Orlando: Jerri! Hey, Jerri! We�re heading over to El Carne Loco, you wanna come?
Jerri: Hey, that sounds great! Then we can go to Tweetzie Railroad and throw some rocks at the Indian. Oh, oh, listen, why don�t you go ahead? Uh, I should spend some quality time with Dizzy. Yeah, that�s what I should do. I�ll catch up with you guys later. I sure would like to throw some rocks at the Indian. Oh well. I got a baby now�got a baby. (to Dizzy) Look, it doesn�t matter, �cause we�re a happy little family now. We�re gonna spend all our time together. Just you and�oh hell, I can�t do this. Listen, Dizzy. (she puts him in a swing) I�m gonna leave you right here, alright? One of these people are bound to pick you up. I mean, you and I both know, this isn�t working out. Alright? We�re not clicking. I don�t wanna change your diaper any more than you wanna change mine. Dizzy, everything�s gonna be fine. I�m doing this for the both of us�well, one of us. But I�m doing it twice as hard. Jesus!
She leaves the playground.
Scene � Jerri arrives home.
She finds Dizzy�s pacifier.
Scene � Jerri�s bedroom; her stepmother walks by the doorway.
Jerri: Mother? Could I ask you a question?
Sara: Uh, can we make it quick, Jerri? I have a Cambodian war criminal waiting for me in the basement.
Jerri: Oh. Well, Mother�um, well, what�s it like, raising Derrick and me?
Sara: Being a mother is the best thing you can do to a child, Jerri. I have been so lucky to have Derrick. He�s been a perfect angel. As for what it was like, um, raising you, well, I�ve got no idea, Darling. I do know that when you ran away, it killed your real mother. Does that answer your question?
Jerri: No.
Sara: Well, I think you better get some sleep now. You have a lot of sleeping to do and I�ve gotta get back downstairs to Kim Luck. I�m trying memory regression on him and I have him stuffed into a bamboo cage. Sleep tight, sw � uh, you�ve got a little hole in your (makes a noise and points to the same area on her own pants)
Scene � School hallway.
Blackman�s voice: Jerri Blank, please report to Principal Blackman�s office.
Scene � Principal Blackman�s office.
Principal Blackman turns around in his chair and he�s holding Dizzy; Mr. Noblet, Mr. Jellineck and Coach Wolf are also present.
Blackman: Jerri, I believe you have some explaining to do.
Jerri: Diz! Remember that time you ran away from me�last night? Where uh, where�d you find it?
Blackman: We can thank my lucky charms this baby has been delivered unto us. If Mr. Jellineck and Mr. Noblet had not been in the park last night at three AM, they never would�ve stumbled across this tiny tyke behind a cluster of boxwoods, sleeping like a log. Well, what�s your excuse, Blank?
Jerri: I have no excuses. But there is something I�d like to say: If learning is wrong�what were Jellineck and Noblet doing at the park at three AM?
Blackman: Hmm. That�s a good question. Noblet?
(the bell rings and Noblet and Jellineck leave)
Blackman: Well, I guess we�ll never know.
Wolf: Look, Jerri, you should know you�re in some very hot water.
Blackman: Deep, too.
Jerri: Why? It�s still alive and has a full head of hair.
Blackman: Jerri, that�s not the point.
Jerri: Is this because I circumcised it?
Wolf: The point, Jerri, is that you were supposed to keep the baby until you learned the valuable lesson. Have you learned it?
Jerri: Yes, I have. What is it?
Blackman: Clearly, she hasn�t. Jerri, we�re giving you the baby back.
Jerri: God damn it! May a nest of Puerto Ricans take your mother �
Blackman: Jerri, please!
Jerri: �and your si � I can�t do this! Please!
Blackman: Coach Wolf, can�t we team Jerri up with someone else on this project?
Wolf: But the whole point of it was her to learn this lesson on her own.
Blackman: Exactly. And the only way she�s gonna learn this lesson on her own is with someone else.
Wolf: I suppose we could hook her up with Tammi Littlenut. She was on deck to get the baby next.
Blackman: There you go, Blank.
Jerri: Yeah! Tammi Littlenut! We�d be just like a little family.
Scene � hallway by lockers.
Tammi: Jerri, hey, I am so excited about this project.
Jerri: Yeah, me too. Boy, Tammi, you�re gonna make a great mommy. You certainly got the hips for it.
Tammi: So what are we supposed to do first?
Jerri: Well, I thought we�d go get some popcorn shrimp, then, uh, maybe uh, go pick you out a new top, and then go to the rock quarry and go, uh, skinny-dipping. Hmm? Watch out for those snapping turtles!
Tammi: Do you really think bringing a baby to the rock quarry is a good idea?
Jerri: Oh, right. The baby. Well, look, why don�t you just hang on to it for a while?
Tammi: Aren�t we both supposed to take care of the baby?
Jerri: That�s a job for the mommy.
Tammi: Aren�t we both the mommy?
Jerri: Listen to yourself, Tammi. Two mommies? Now, look, why don�t you take Dizzy, and uh, go a little lighter on the lipstick�it looks a little trampy.
Scene � Cafeteria.
Jerri and Orlando are at a table, laughing.
Jerri: Oh, that�s a good one! (she sees Tammi arriving with Dizzy) Oh, listen, take a hike Bubbles, here comes my old lady. Alright? I�ll check ya later.
Tammi arrives at the table.
Tammi: Hi, Jerri.
Jerri: Hey there, Copperhead. What�d you bring the baby for, huh?
Tammi: What do you mean?
Jerri: I thought you and I were having lunch today.
Tammi: What am I supposed to do with the baby?
Jerri: I was hoping on some uh, some Jerri time, you know what I�m saying?
Tammi: Not really. Listen, Jerri, can you take Diz for me? I�ve got Gym next period.
Jerri: Look, Simi and I are hanging out next period. OK? We�re gonna play some Liar�s Poker.
Tammi: But I thought we were supposed to share the responsibility �
Jerri: No, I don�t � hey, look, I don�t wanna, I don�t wanna fight. I don�t wanna fight about this, alright? Subject closed. Hmm? Alright? Hmm?
Tammi: I�m gonna go get some milk for the baby.
Tammi walks away.
Jerri: What, and I don�t get thirsty? Huh?
Jerri growls at Dizzy. Tammi returns.
Jerri: Where were you?
Tammi: What?
Jerri: I�ll repeat the question: What took you so long?
Tammi: Uh, I was getting �
Jerri: Don�t lie to me, Tammi. I saw you right over there, talking to Jimmy Goosey.
Tammi: I just said �Hi.�
Jerri: Oh, really? Is that how they say �Hi� in Whoreville?
Tammi: Jerri, I don�t wanna have lunch. I�m just gonna take Diz and go for a walk.
Jerri: Yeah?
Jerri knocks the milk carton to the floor.
Jerri: You�re taking my child nowhere. (points to the spilled milk) Clean it up.
Dizzy starts crying.
Tammi: What?
Jerri: I said, clean it up.
Tammi: You are frightening the baby.
Jerri: Oh, for crying out loud, will you shut that thing up?! I�m sorry. Hmm? So sorry, huh? Look at my little lamb. What you so frightened about, huh? I�d never hit you. I�d never hit ya. Huh? I just got this temper, ya see? I just get so frustrated when ya don�t listen. Huh? Ya understand? Huh? I need you to say that you understand.
Tammi: I understand.
Jerri: Alright. Just leave the baby with Daddy and go get yourself fixed up, alright?
Tammi gets up.
Jerri: Come on. (slaps Tammi�s butt)
Tammi leaves.
Jerri: Women. (notices everyone looking at her) What are ya looking at?!
Scene � Hallway.
Orlando: So, how is the project going with Tammi?
Jerri: She�s a weird wolf. She�s not talking to me. But I have a feeling she�s gonna be coming around real soon.
Scene � Horizon Motel.
Tammi knocks on a motel room door and Jerri opens it.
Tammi: Jerri, what�s going on? I got your call. What�s wrong with Dizzy?
Jerri: Oh, he�s fine. Why don�t you come on in and I�ll explain the whole thing. Come on.
Tammi enters the room and Jerri closes the door. She then goes onto the bed.
Jerri: I ordered the Vice Channel. Pretty good movies. They cut out for the money shot, but you can still see plenty of uh, pink.
Tammi: What is this about, Jerri? Where�s Dizzy?
Jerri: I wanna �pologize for what went down today in the cafeteria. You can really, really push my buttons. But I�m not mad at you. I figure, we�re not the problem. See, we work. Dizzy�s the problem. If we could just get past that baby, we can get back to what�s good about us. I got you something. Why don�t you try it on?
Jerri tosses a pair of underwear at Tammi and Tammi puts it down and looks around the room.
Tammi: Where is Dizzy, Jerri?
Jerri: Calm down. Dizzy�s with Kim Luck right now. They�re meeting with a very wealthy family. Now, you and I can focus on what makes you and me click. Toast?
Tammi: Y�know, you�re crazy.
Jerri: Pee on me.
A car drives up.
Tammi: That�s Principal Blackman and Coach Wolf. I called them before I came over here and I told them something weird was going on here.
Jerri looks out the window.
Jerri: Well, I hate to burst your bubble there, Tam, but that�s not Blackman. That�s the chink with some spic food I ordered, hoping you and I would have something to celebrate. But I guess that�s not in the cards, is it? Look, when Blackman gets here, I�ll tell him the whole truth. I�m so sorry, Tamela. Alright? Now just stay here, chill out, and I�ll go get rid of the delivery guy, alright?
Jerri goes outside.
Jerri (to Blackman): I am so glad you�re here! Tammi�s in there and she came up with some crazy plot with � (sees Kim Luck) Kim Luck!
Blackman: Yes, we apprehended him at the Tasty Shake. I was buying myself a footlong.
Jerri: Did he, uh, did he say anything?
Blackman: Oh yes, plenty. But all in that unintelligible jabber of his.
Jerri: Anyway, uh, Kim Luck and Tammi tried selling Dizzy to the uh, to the black market. I�m so glad you caught him, �cause Tammi�s in there now and I think she�s high! She expects me to run off with her! I�m so glad you�re here, Principal Blackman.
Noblet and Jellineck come out of a motel room.
Jellineck: What�s all the commotion out here?
Blackman: Noblet, Jellineck, I�m glad you got my message.
Noblet: Message?
Tammi comes out from the motel room.
Tammi: Principal Blackman, thank the lord you�re here! Jerri cooked up some crazy plot with Kim Luck to sell Dizzy to the black market!
Blackman: I�m sorry, Tammi. That story sounds pretty flimsy the second time around. Noblet, Jellineck � cart them away.
Blackman: And the baby goes back to Mother.
Jerri: I�m thrilled. I�ll sure miss Tammi, though. It�s a lot easier being a single mother when I was the father.
Wolf: What�s that, Jerri?
Jerri: I was just saying that it�s easier being a single mother, when I was neither single nor the mother.
Wolf: That�s the lesson, Jerri. Congratulations. Nobody�s ever learned the lesson by day three.
Blackman: You must be exceptionally unfit for motherhood.
Jerri: I like to think so.
Wolf: Well, let�s take this baby back and pass him on to some other students who I hope are as equally unfit.
Jerri�s father drives up.
Jerri: Daddy!
Blackman: Go on home Jerri Blank. You�ve had a long day. But one thing strikes me as odd: Why would Tammi call us, in effect alerting us to her evil deed?
Jerri: To taunt you with her crime?
Blackman: Works for me. Goodnight.
Scene � Jerri�s bedroom.
Jerri is on her bed, putting various items into a box.
Jerri: Ah�I miss Florida. (to camera) Well, things are pretty much back to normal around here. Kim Luck is serving five to ten for racketeering, and as for Dizzy, well, he�s still getting passed from student to student, and each day he gets older and older. And I�m haunted by one sad fact: His black market value is dropping like a stone. And as for that little redheaded spitfire, Tammi Littlenut, well, let�s just say, the carpet matches the drapes. Mmm!
transcripts page.