Opening scene: The camera slowly moves through the darkened Flatpoint High School gymnasium, which is seemingly empty.
JELLINECK (off-camera): I�m gonna pin you!
NOBLET (off-camera): Not if I pin you first!
JELLINECK (off-camera): I�d like to see you try!
The camera now focuses on Mr. Jellineck and Mr. Noblet. They�re wrestling in the gym and wearing nothing but gym shorts. Mr. Jellineck is soon on top of Mr. Noblet.
JELLINECK: I�ve got you pinned! How does that feel?
NOBLET: Good, but move a little to the left�ah, that�s it�
The camera moves over to Jerri, who's watching them wrestle. She looks at the camera.
JERRI: Hello. I�m Jerri Blank. I�m a recovering boozer, user and loser. I was a teenage runaway for 32 years. Thirty-two years! Think about that. That�s almost two decades. You can do a lot in 32 years. I�ve been a junkie whore, a whorish junkie and everything in between. But now I�m back in school, livin� at home and picking up my life exactly where I left off all those years ago. Sure, things have changed�but the hassles are just the same.
Jerri turns her attention back to the �wrestling match� and we can hear moaning in the background.
JERRI (laughing): Ooh, that�s gotta hurt.
(opening credits)
Episode Title: Blank Expression of Love (or: Looking for Blank in All the Wrong Places)
First scene: Jerri and her boyfriend, Hunter, are standing in the hallway.
HUNTER: Fine!
JERRI: Fine!
HUNTER: That�s it! I�m leaving!
Hunter leaves. Other students are staring at Jerri. Mr. Jellineck walks up to her, puts his arm around her shoulders and starts walking with her.
JELLINECK: I couldn�t help but eavesdrop on what just happened. That looked like a nasty breakup between you and Hunter Muff.
JERRI: You got that right, Mr. Jellineck.
JELLINECK: And how does that make me feel?
JERRI: I don�t know.
JELLINECK: You seem to be breaking up with boys a lot lately. You�re running out of viable choices for boyfriends.
JERRI: Who cares? You�ve seen one meat thermometer, you�ve seen �em all. I�m sure there�ll be another one along in a shortly.
JELLINECK: Well, if you need to talk to someone, I just want you to know that my door is always locked. Maybe the guidance counselor could help me by talking to you instead of me having to talk to you.
JERRI: I don�t need to talk. I�m fine. I�m over�what was his name again?
JELLINECK: Hunter.
JERRI: Oh yeah, Hunter. He�s a hot piece of ass. Is he seeing anyone?
JELLINECK: Jerri, you just broke up with him!
JERRI: I�I know that. What, you think I break up with so many guys I can�t even keep track? Are you saying I�m a whore? Is that what you�re saying? (other students stare at Jerri again) What are you lookin� at?
Next scene: Science class.
Jerri and Tammi are sitting at the same lab table, dissecting frogs.
JERRI: So me and Hunter broke up.
TAMMI: Oh no, that�s your sixth boyfriend this month! What happened?
JERRI: I don�t know, but I know it was all his fault.
The science teacher/Tammi�s boyfriend Mr. Gwinnett goes over to Tammi and they kiss. Then, he goes back to his lecture.
JERRI: I�m jealous of you and Mr. Gwinnett. You�re so in love. How do you do it?
TAMMI: I think it�s because he�s an older man. He�s mature and intelligent. That�s what you need, Jerri. An older, more mature man. Then, maybe one of your relationships with a guy could last longer than a week.
JERRI: You�re right, Tam! I�m gonna do it!
Jerri puts on some lipstick and smacks her lips.
JERRI (in a singsong voice): Oh, Mr. Gwinnett!
TAMMI: What are you doing?
JERRI: What does it look like, Copperhead?
Jerri waves at Mr. Gwinnett and smiles at him; he looks disgusted, but fakes a smile.
TAMMI: Not Mr. Gwinnett, Jerri! He�s my boyfriend.
JERRI: Oh yeah, right. Well, I definitely need a more mature boyfriend. I�m too mature for this high school crowd. (Jerri picks up her frog and makes it jump around) Ribbit! Ribbit! (she laughs, rips off a leg and starts chewing it) Not bad.
Next scene: Mr. Jellineck�s art class.
JELLINECK: OK, everybody. (claps) Today, we�ll be doing our calligraphy-chalk drawings�
JERRI (to herself): Where am I gonna find a man who�s older and more mature?
JELLINECK: Now, class, just because I�m an older, more mature man�
Jerri lifts her head up as Mr. Jellineck�s statement grabs her attention; a �ding� sound is heard as a nearby lightbulb goes off.
JELLINECK: �it doesn�t mean I�m not in touch with you young kids. I�m with it, I�m down, I�m hip to all the new fads. I mean, look, I even have a mood ring! (holds up hand with mood ring on finger and points to it with other hand) So, if you wanna draw one of those newfangled ColecoVisions or that delightful little imp Archie Bunker, you go right ahead.
Next scene: End of art class.
JELLINECK: OK, class. (claps) Place your calligraphy-chalk drawings up here on this tray. I�m gonna fire them in the kiln this afternoon!
Jerri walks over to Mr. Jellineck after the rest of the class leaves.
JERRI: Mr. Jellineck? Can I talk to you?
JELLINECK: Sure, Jerri. What�s on my mind?
JERRI: Well�you�re an older, more mature man, right?
JELLINECK: That I am.
JERRI: That�s what I need�I�d like to state my interest.
JELLINECK: Interest in what?
JERRI (as sexy background music plays): In you, Silly...and you know what I�m gonna do with you? First, I�m gonna take off all your clothes. You�ll be on your back, naked, spread-eagle and tied to the headboard, of course. Then, I�m gonna lick every inch of your body�every inch. I�m gonna get all up in there! But I�ll save the best for last. Oh yeah, it�ll be a while before I get to your joy button.
JELLINECK: Uh, Jerri�
JERRI (grabbing a banana from the fruit bowl): You wanna see me eat this banana in one gulp?
JELLINECK: No, Jerri. Let me try to explain something to you. Some guys�well, some guys have all the luck. Some guys have all the pain. Some guys get all the breaks. Some guys do nothing but complain. And some guys like�other guys. You see what I�m saying, Jerri?
JERRI (her eyes are half-closed, as if she�s falling asleep): What? Oh�look, I�m real flattered, Mr. J., but I�m gonna have to pass. You just talk too much, I mean, you can really talk a girl�s ear off�anyone ever tell you that before? I�ll catch ya later.
Jerri peels the banana, eats it in one gulp and tosses the banana peel into Mr. Jellineck�s lap. As Jerri leaves the room, Mr. Jellineck holds up the banana peel and looks at it in shock at what she just did.
Next scene: Mr. Noblet�s class.
NOBLET: And so, even though John Wilkes Booth dropped out of high school, he still managed to become one of the most beloved United States presidents of all time, along with his vice president, Lee Harvey Oswald.
The bell rings.
NOBLET: For tonight�s homework, read�I don�t know, read something. Or don�t read. I don�t care.
After the class leaves, Jerri walks up to Mr. Noblet, who is standing by his desk, putting things in his briefcase.
JERRI: Mr. Noblet?
NOBLET: What is it, Jerri? I�m a busy man.
JERRI (as sexy background music starts): Yes�you are a man, aren�t you? An older, wiser man.
Jerri sits on the desk next to Mr. Noblet.
JERRI: I know we�ve always acted like we hate each other, but �
NOBLET: Acted?
Jerri stands up and starts rubbing Mr. Noblet�s back.
JERRI: But I want you to know that �
NOBLET (as sexy music stops): What are you doing?
JERRI (while still rubbing his back): I�m just trying to make you feel good. You like that?
NOBLET: Are you trying to threaten me?
JERRI: What?
NOBLET: You think I�m going to change your grade on last week�s paper? Well, you can forget it!
JERRI: No! That�s not it at all! I�m interested in you�romantically. (she stands in front of him and fondles herself over her shirt)
NOBLET: Are you insane?
JERRI: Yeah�but what does that have to do with anything?
NOBLET: Number one, I�m a married man. Number two�oh God, I�ve gotta make a number two, and it�s bad. No, wait, it�s gonna come out the other end�are you happy now? You�ve literally made me sick!
Mr. Noblet sits in his chair and grabs a garbage can. He puts it on his lap as if he�s going to throw up into it.
NOBLET: Don�t touch me�or yourself in front of me�ever again! Get out!
Jerri runs out the door. Mr. Noblet puts down the garbage can, reaches into his desk drawer, grabs a Twinkie, takes the plastic off and eats the Twinkie in one gulp.
Next scene: Jerri�s kitchen.
Sara Blank is sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. Jerri sits down at the table.
JERRI: Mother? I need some help.
SARA: I know, Jerri�but I told you before, if you want to see a psychiatrist, get a job and pay for it like your father did for mine.
JERRI (as sappy background music plays): Speaking of Daddy�he was a little older than you, right?
SARA: Age doesn�t matter when you�re in love.
JERRI: But did you find that his being older made any difference in your relationship?
SARA: Only that when I married him he was already saddled with a child. And now he�s gone and I�m saddled with raising that child. Why, do you have a crush on an older man?
JERRI: No. But every time I try to flirt with one, it just doesn�t work out.
SARA (sarcastic): You�re kidding. You mean men weren�t pleased with your sexual advances?
JERRI: I�ve tried everything, from bananas to backrubs.
SARA: Well, there�s your problem right there. You�ve got to spice it up. (stands up to leave) And Jerri, when you do find this older man, please make sure he�s got his own home and an offer for you to live in it with him! (she leaves the kitchen)
JERRI (to herself as great idea background music plays): Spice it up�
Next scene: Jerri is at her locker. Orlando walks up to her.
ORLANDO: How�s it going, Jerri?
JERRI: Don�t bother me, Orlando. I�m trying to think of how I can spice things up so that a man will be interested in me.
ORLANDO: You want another boyfriend already? It�s like that�s all you ever think about.
JERRI: It�s hard not to think about it when it�s all I ever think about. So what can I do to make things spicy, so that I can get a guy interested in me?
ORLANDO: You don�t need to do anything different to make someone interested in you, Jerri. Just be yourself. That�s why I like you.
JERRI: Thanks, but I�m not really interested in monkey love. Well, actually, I do like hot monkey love, but not with actual monkeys. What can I do to make things spicy? Dirty talk? Innuendos? Euphemisms? Quick, Orlando, help me out here�what�s a euphemism?
Orlando just shakes his head and walks away. Jerri sees Principal Blackman walk by. She quickly opens her locker door. She looks inside the locker door and fixes her hair as if she�s looking in a mirror, but there�s no mirror inside her locker, nor is there any reflection of Jerri in it. She closes the locker door and follows Principal Blackman into his office.
Next scene: Principal Blackman�s office.
Principal Blackman notices Jerri as he sits down at his desk.
BLACKMAN: What are you doing in here, Blank?
JERRI (sitting): I have a particular message for you from a particular person in particular�particularly, me. I just wanted to let you know that you�re looking particularly nice today. I was wondering if you�d like to � (picks up a pen from the desk as sexy background music starts) ...slide your big black pen along my tight, firm, moist, white�p�piece of paper. (she licks the pen)
BLACKMAN (as sexy music stops): What are you talking about? And you can keep the pen.
JERRI: Allow me to make things clearer� (sexy background music starts again) ...you know how a piano has ebony and ivory keys�and how they�make beautiful music together? You catch my drift? Hmm? You wanna tickle my ivories? (licks her lips)
BLACKMAN (as sexy music stops): I stopped taking piano lessons thirty years ago. What are you getting at? Spit it out already.
JERRI (as sexy background music starts again): Actually, I don�t spit...that's why my prices are so high. Anyway, let me put it this way�I don�t take cream in my coffee�I like it black�black and strong�.much like yourself. I like it black, strong and hot�does that give you any ideas? (winks)
BLACKMAN: Mmm, it sure does. (clicks button on intercom as sexy background music stops) Iris! Get me a hot, strong cup of coffee. And make sure it�s black � no cream!
Jerri stands up.
JERRI: That�s it! I give up!
Jerri reaches into a bowl of candies on Principal Blackman�s desk, in order to throw the candies at Principal Blackman, but there�s only one candy left in the bowl; she picks up the piece of candy, takes off the wrapper, puts the candy in her mouth and throws the wrapper at Principal Blackman. As Jerri leaves the office, Principal Blackman's assistant, Iris Puffybush, walks over to Principal Blackman�s desk with a cup of coffee.
PUFFYBUSH: Here�s the coffee you wanted, Principal Blackman. (she smiles slightly)
BLACKMAN: Iris, you�ve got to stop this constant flirting with me. We need to keep things on a professional level or else we�ll end up in monkey chaos!
Next scene: Orlando sees Jerri as she leaves Principal Blackman's office.
ORLANDO: Oh, hey, Jerri. Are you having any luck with your quest to find a boyfriend?
JERRI: No, Orlando. I�ve tried and tried. Maybe my techniques just aren�t as fresh as they once were.
ORLANDO (walking over to a bulletin board): How about the personals board?
JERRI: Oh yeah, I forgot all about that. Let�s see� (reading) ...�Hillbilly Jew seeks redneck darkie� � �male dwarf seeks female albino� � (great idea background music plays) ...hey, look at this! It�s an ad for a singles get-together! It says it�s for younger girls who want older guys! It�s perfect!
ORLANDO (reading): �Girls, bring your hot, tight bods to Tippler�s Lounge for some hot man meat Friday night. All men will be over 30, all women must be under 5 feet 5.� I don�t know, Jerri, it seems a little weird.
JERRI: All�s I know is, these guys know what they want, and I like men who know that they know what they want. These guys want hot, young high school girlies with tight bodies like mine. Oh, that reminds me, I�ll have to cancel my appointment for that complimentary brow lift.
ORLANDO: Brow lift?
JERRI (while laughing): Yeah, it�s a funny story. I was using some eye shadow that caused me to go slightly blind in my right eye. I complained to the company and they were scared I�d sue, so they�re sending me for a free brow lift to the cheapest plastic surgeon in Flatpoint.
ORLANDO: Who�s that?
JERRI: I don�t know, but you can be sure it�s not a Jew. Which is too bad, �cause those Jew doctors really know how to doctor a face when it needs doctoring.
ORLANDO: I don�t think you need plastic surgery.
JERRI: Thanks, Orlando. You�re ok. Well, I�d better go spruce up�and then I�m off to meet my new, suitable boyfriend at the drunken meeting for horny middle-aged men who want high school girls. I�ve got a good feeling about this. Wish me luck.
Next scene: Tippler�s Lounge.
Jerri appears to be the only female present, and she�s surrounded by a bunch of men who all appear to be drunk.
MAN # 1 (to Jerri): So, what grade are you in?
MAN # 2: I saw her first.
MAN # 1: We all saw her first! She�s the only girl here!
MAN # 2: Hey, you wanna take it out back, smart guy?
JERRI: Please, boys, don�t fight over little old me.
MAN # 3 (to Jerri): I�ve got a Porsche. (he holds up his car keys) Why don�t I show you the front seat�from the back seat?
JERRI (noticing the other men getting violent): Yeah, let�s get outta here. But I�ll drive. (she grabs his car keys)
They walk outside to the man�s car. The word �Sexmobile� is painted on the side.
MAN # 3: So hop in, Cutie.
JERRI: I�m not getting in the car with you.
MAN # 3: What?
JERRI: And you�re not getting in the car with you either. You�re drunk. And I�m not going to let you drive.
Jerri throws the man�s car keys across the street. The keys go through another car�s window. Jerri laughs.
MAN # 3: God damn it! Damn jailbait.
Jerri nods her head in approval of her actions and then walks away.
Next scene: School cafeteria.
Jerri is sitting with Orlando and Tammi. Jimmy Tickles sits down at the table.
JIMMY: Hey, anyone wanna come with me and do Meals on Wheels tonight?
JERRI: Meals on Wheels?
JIMMY: We bring food to people who can�t leave their houses.
JERRI: Oh, like when you�re under house arrest? Meals on Wheels...what, do you roller skate door to door with a tray of burgers or something? Put the food on a skateboard and roll it down the sidewalk?
JIMMY: No. The van driver drops us off in our specified neighborhood. We bring in the food and talk to the people for a while. They�re mostly senior citizens.
JERRI: Senior citizens?
JIMMY: You know, older people.
JERRI: Older people, huh? Tell me�are any of these older people of the male persuasion?
JIMMY: Uh�yeah�why?
JERRI: Count me in. I�d better leave school early, so I can freshen up�see if the ol� cupcake needs frosting, if you know what I mean.
Next scene: Apartment hallway.
Jerri is about to knock on an apartment door, but the door is slightly open. She enters the senior citizen�s apartment while holding the Meals on Wheels meal.
JERRI (looking around): Mr. Atric? I�ve got your nummy-nums!
ATRIC (coming from another room and then sitting down in the living room): Please, call me Gerry.
JERRI (while serving his food): Hey, that�s my name, too! How old are you, Gerry?
ATRIC: Let�s just say I�m over 80. Well, you are a young thing, aren�t ya? How old might you be?
JERRI: How old do I look? Excluding my neck�and eyes�and hands�
ATRIC (grabbing Jerri and pulling her onto his lap): Sit on my lap, Jerri. Give us a kiss.
Mr. Atric tries to kiss Jerri. She pushes him away and gets up.
JERRI (walking to the door): This is too sick, even for me�I mean, even I can do better than this 80 year-old Gerry Atric.
Jerri exits the man�s apartment and leaves the building, leaving a box full of Meals on Wheels meals on the floor in the hallway.
Next scene: Gym class.
The students are running around the gym, but Jerri is frowning and walking slowly. Tammi runs up to her.
TAMMI: What�s wrong, Jerri?
JERRI: I took your advice and tried to bag an older guy. But it isn�t working. They�re just not interested. And when they are, I don�t want them.
TAMMI: You�ve just got to find the right person. I believe that each of us has a soul mate out there.
Mr. Gwinnett, wearing a T-shirt and gym shorts, catches up to Tammi.
TAMMI: Don�t give up, Jerri!
Mr. Gwinnett and Tammi run next to each other. Jerri stops walking, as other students run past her.
JERRI (to herself): A soul mate�the right person is out there�I just have to find him. (she looks around the gym; the camera, from Jerri's point of view, focuses on Coach Wolf; great idea background music plays) Or her! That�s what I�ve been doing wrong. I�ve been going after the corndog instead of the taco!
Coach Wolf goes into the locker room and Jerri follows her in.
JERRI: Coach Wolf? How�s it goin�? I just wanted to tell you that you�re a great teacher.
WOLF (changing clothes): Thank you, Jerri, that�s very nice of you.
JERRI (as sexy background music plays): I think you�re really sexy�even those times when you somehow looked like you were eight months pregnant, after you said you weren�t gonna let some guy snatch your fruit.
WOLF: Sexy? Jerri, this is highly inappropriate.
JERRI: Why�s that?
WOLF: For many reasons, Jerri. First of all, I�m your teacher, and a teacher/student romantic relationship is a breech of the teacher�s code.
JERRI: It is? But what about Tammi Littlenut and Mr. Gwinnett?
WOLF: That�s different, Jerri. They�re clearly in love, whereas I don�t even really like you.
JERRI (frowning): You mean�you hate me?
WOLF: No, no, no. That�s not what I meant at all. I tolerate you. I bear with having you in my class. I endure your presence.
JERRI (smiling): Wow! Thanks.
WOLF: Why are you suddenly interested in me in this inappropriate way?
JERRI (as sad background music plays): Because I want to have to have someone, the way Tammi has her science teacher. I just want someone to love me.
WOLF: Jerri, to love someone else, you must first love yourself.
JERRI: I do.
WOLF: Do you really?
JERRI (nodding): Oh yeah. I�ve got a regular love train going with myself.
WOLF: What you need to do is spend some time by yourself. No boyfriends, no girlfriends�you don�t need to have a romantic partner all the time. You just need a little Jerri time.
JERRI (smiling): You�re right! I didn�t need to make my moves on you, Mr. Jellineck, Mr. Noblet, Principal Blackman, some drunken perverts and an 80 year-old man! (Coach Wolf looks shocked) I just need to spend some time with myself. Hugs! (she hugs herself and leaves)
JERRI (to the camera while walking down the hallway): I guess what I learned is, you don�t need someone else to make you complete. You just need you. If you fall in love, that�s great. But being alone is good, too. And that�s what I�m gonna do for a while. No more pole�no more hole�just me.
Jerri spots a janitor mopping the hallway.
JERRI (as sexy background music plays): Well, hello, there. You�re lookin� mighty tasty there with that big mop of yours. You wanna get down and dirty in the closet? (nods her head towards the janitor�s closet)
JANITOR (looks at the closet and then back at Jerri; appears confused): Que?
JERRI: �kay? Okay! You�re a man of few words. I like that. Let�s go!
Jerri pushes him into the janitor�s closet and closes the door.
Closing sequence: Everybody enters the hallway while Jerri�s in the closet with the janitor, and they all start dancing to the song,�I Like My Love Anonymously� (from the Strangers with Candy episode �Jerri�s Burning Issue�). Mr. Jellineck has a banana in his mouth and Mr. Noblet has a Twinkie in his mouth. Tammi and Mr. Gwinnett have their mouths on each other. At the very end, Jerri exits the closet, fixes her hair and walks away. The janitor comes out of the closet looking ragged and he has lipstick all over his face.
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Candy fan fiction scripts page.