The first scene opens up on Jerri in her bathroom, brushing her teeth. She looks at her nicotine-stained teeth in the mirror and in her mind, sees them twinkle.
SARA (sitting at the kitchen table): Jerri! Come on! It�s your day to make the fresh-squeezed orange juice! We�re all waiting.
STEW: Yeah! Get your rear end down here! I�m thirsty and I haven�t got all day.
SARA: Calm down, Stew. I wouldn�t want you to boil over.
DERRICK: Hurry up, ya skank!
Jerri walks down the stairs and into the kitchen. She reaches into her bra and pulls out two oranges.
JERRI (smirking): I�ve only got two oranges. (touches her front teeth with the tip of her tongue for a few seconds) Who�s first?
Sara starts to gag. Stew rushes to the bathroom.
DERRICK: You wasted our oranges, you troll. (starts to stand up as if he�s going to do something to her, but stops) You�re lucky I�m late for school. (leaves the kitchen)
Jerri laughs and throws the oranges at Derrick, but she misses and hits the wall.
JERRI (to camera): Hello, I�m Jerri Blank, and I�m a 46 year-old high school freshman. For 32 years I was a teenage runaway. I�ve done it all and I�ve seen it all, from drugs to whoring it up in some rundown bar frequented by perverts and Indonesian businessmen. Oh yeah, I�ve had my fun�but now, I�m back in school and livin� at home. And I�m gonna reach the goal we all want in life: To graduate high school by age 50.
Sara can be heard hacking in the background; Jerri laughs.
(opening credits)
Episode Title: Change of Blank
Next scene: Coach Wolf�s class.
WOLF: Our next project is called Life Changes. For the next two weeks, you�ll all be doing something different from what you normally do in your daily lives. It could be anything�from coloring your skin and living as a different race to something as simple as trying a different food every day.
Jerri raises her hand.
WOLF: Jerri?
JERRI: I think I should be excused from this project. My whole life right now is a major change from the whole rest of my life. I�ve totally changed. I mean, I was a boozer, a user and a loser.
P-JOHN: I don�t see any change. You�re still a loser!
Some other classmates laugh and P-John exchanges high fives with some of his friends.
JERRI: Eh, shove it up your �
WOLF: Jerri, I�m sorry, but there are no exceptions. Class, each of you must change something about your life. And these changes aren�t only during school hours. You must continue these changes at home. I�ve made a list of choices for life changes that I�m going to pass around the room. You write your name next to the change you�ll make�but I will approve it, so it better be a real change from your normal life. You can bet that the valuable lesson each of you learns after completing this project will be a valuable lesson. Here is the signup sheet. (she hands it to a student) Make your choice and then pass the sheet to the next student. You first, Elton, then pass it to John and so on.
TAMMI: Isn�t this gonna be fun, Jerri?
JERRI: I dunno, Nuttage. I�ve already made so many changes in my life�if I change anymore, I might explode. I might even go back to my old ways�there�s only so much change a person can take.
TAMMI: Well, I think it will be fun.
JERRI (pensive): Hmm�maybe I�ll sign up to be a chink or a filthy, dirty, thieving gypsy.
Jimmy Tickles passes the signup sheet to Tammi.
JIMMY (to Jerri and Tammi): I signed up to be an African-American. I�ll get to paint my skin and really see what it�s like to be a black man.
JERRI (looking towards Jimmy�s nether regions): I don�t think so, Tickle-icious�there�s more to bein� a Negro than just your skin color. Let me tell you a little story�this was this one time, me and this big, hot, sexy black man down in Harlem�I�m pretty sure it was Harlem, �cause they were as thick as flies up there�
TAMMI (passing the paper to Jerri): Here ya go, Jerri. There�s only one option left.
JERRI: Oh great, lucky me. (camera scans down the page to the last open choice) Vegan? I don�t even know what that is�is that like pagan?� (thinks for a second) I can do that.
JIMMY: No, Jerri, a vegan is someone who doesn�t eat any animal products. For instance, you can�t eat meat.
JERRI (snapping her fingers by each ear): Listen to yourself, Jimmy. No meat? Everything has meat in it. Look, I�ll show you. Here (looks between Jimmy�s legs), let me grab your sack. (Jerri grabs Jimmy�s lunch bag, which he holds between his legs; she pulls out an apple, drops the lunch bag on the floor and holds up the apple) See? Meat. (she throws the apple towards Jimmy�s groinage and he catches it; Jerri reaches into her backpack and pulls out an extra-large bottle of �Bolaids,� which are like Rolaids, and she holds it up) Meat. (she opens the top, pours some in her mouth and chews them; then, she reaches into another student�s backpack that she sees on the floor and she pulls out a pack of cigarettes)� Meat! (she then puts the pack of cigarettes in her own backpack)
JIMMY (giggling): None of those things have meat in them.
TAMMI: He�s right, Jerri. You�ll just have to stock up on fruits and veggies for the next two weeks. Remember, no animal products. No milk, no cheese, no ice cream�
JIMMY: Well, unless you buy that organic stuff that�s not real cheese. I�ve had it. It�s not so bad. Then there's soy milk...
JERRI: No cheese? But I love cheese! I can�t live without my cheese pizza! This is all happening way too fast! I can�t do this!
Jerri goes over to Coach Wolf�s desk and pushes some things off of it.
JERRI: I�m not gonna do this!
She runs out of the classroom.
WOLF (to Tammi): Tammi, you�re her friend...surprisingly. Do me a favor and go get her to come back here.
TAMMI: How do I do that?
WOLF: Do whatever you can. I don�t need Principal Blackman riding my ass about students aimlessly roaming the halls.
Tammi gets up and leaves to find Jerri.
Next scene: Jerri runs down the hallway and bumps into Mr. Jellineck.
JELLINECK: Jerri, what are you doing running around the school?
JERRI: Oh, there�s this project I have to do that I don�t want to do. I refused and left the class.
JELLINECK: No, I meant what are you doing running? I�ve never seen you move faster than a Tijuana mule before. (laughs)
TAMMI (off-camera): Jerri? Where are you?
JERRI: Oh no, it�s Tammi Littlenut. Quick, hide me.� (pulls Mr. Jellineck�s smock over her face as if to hide inside of it)
JELLINECK: I don�t think you should run away from your problems.
JERRI (while looking around for a place to hide): Why not?
JELLINECK (as sappy background music plays): Listen to me, Jerri, I know what I�m talking about. You should never want to hide from the thing that you�re trying not to face. You�ve got to face what you�re trying to hide from, because if you hide from what you�re trying not to face, you never know what you�ll have to face next.
TAMMI (off-camera; her voice is getting closer): Jerri?
Jerri jumps into a nearby locker, just before Tammi turns the corner and comes down the hallway.
TAMMI: Oh, hi, Mr. Jellineck. Have you seen Jerri Blank?
JELLINECK (not wanting to lie or betray Jerri): Uh�I haven�t not seen her.
Principal Blackman walks down the hallway.
BLACKMAN (to Tammi): What are you doing out of class? Did you lose your way to the little girl�s room? It�s in the opposite direction. Come with me, I�m going there myself.
TAMMI: No, Coach Wolf wanted me to find Jerri Blank. She left class, and �
BLACKMAN: Well, that�s a sorry excuse for an excuse. You were trying to leave school so you could go home and play your mindless video games. What is it that�s all the rage now, Monkey Kong or some such? You come with me. I have just the punishment for you�
Principal Blackman pulls Tammi away by her hair.
Mr. Jellineck knocks on the locker Jerri�s in.
JELLINECK (whispering): They�re gone.
Jerri steps out of the locker. Behind her, Mr. Noblet steps out of the same locker.
JERRI (to Mr. Noblet, while fixing her hair): What were you doing in there?
Mr. Noblet and Mr. Jellineck exchange guilty looks.
JELLINECK (feigning surprise): Yes�just what the heckeroo were you doing in there, Mr. Funnypants?
Mr. Noblet turns around and looks at the locker.
NOBLET: Hey, this isn�t my classroom! Gotta go.
Mr. Noblet quickly walks away.
JERRI: He sure is a weird wolf. Thanks for not ratting me out, Mr. Jellineck. You�re ok�I mean, for a sissy-fag art teacher. I owe you one.
JELLINECK: I�m not proud of myself, Jerri. (puts his hands on Jerri�s shoulders and looks her in the eyes; sappy background music starts again) You need to face your problems. Tell me, what could be so bad?
JERRI: Coach Wolf is making us all change our lives by making us all make changes in our lives. I�ve done enough changing. I�m sick of changing.
JELLINECK: Oh yeah, I heard something about that project. So, what are you supposed to change?
JERRI: I have to become a vegan. No animal products. That�s crazy!
JELLINECK: You know, Jerri, I�ve been thinking about becoming a vegan myself. Tell ya what, I�ll do it, too. Believe me, I know from experience�it�s always good to have a partner when trying something new. Well? What do you say, Jerri? Will you join me and change into a vegan?
JERRI (changing her attitude and smiling): OK, Mr. Jellineck. Let�s do it!
Jerri and Mr. Jellineck try to give each other high fives, but they miss.
Next scene: Jerri and Mr. Jellineck walk into Jerri�s house with groceries.
JELLINECK (while taking the food out of the bags): Let�s see, we�ve got cucumbers� (hands two to Jerri)
JERRI (eyeing the cucumbers): Mmm�.cucumbers�I love �em.
JELLINECK: What, do you put them in your salads?
JERRI (thinking): Hmm�I don�t think I�ve ever actually eaten one before.
JELLINECK: Uh�ok, next, we have carrots�bananas�
JERRI: Love those, too. (licks her lips and makes a slurping sound)
JELLINECK (visibly nervous while Jerri eyes the phallic fruits and vegetables; his voice gets higher for a few seconds): OK, well, I�ll let you put your groceries away�I have to go put mine away, too. Listen� (he writes something on a piece of paper) You just call me if you hit a fork in the road and need support.
JERRI (daydreaming and smiling): Fork�
JELLINECK (handing her the paper): This isn�t going to be an easy change. Now, you�re no longer what I like to call a (does finger quotes) carnivore. No more meat.
JERRI: I really, really like meat. (closes eyes)
JELLINECK: No more meat, Jerri. OK, I�ll see you at school on Monday. (he leaves)
SARA (walking into the kitchen after getting home; Stew and Derrick also enter): Jerri, what was an art teacher doing in my home?
JERRI: You wouldn�t understand, Mother. We�re both making big changes. I�m becoming a vegan.
SARA: A what?
DERRICK (while walking over to Jerri and smirking): So, Scrote, you�re finally getting that sex change operation�
JERRI: For your information, Ass Plunger, vegan means I won�t be eating food that comes from animals�and that means, no more meat for me.
STEW (as impending doom background music plays): What did you say?
JERRI: Ass Plunger?
STEW: Not that part!
JERRI: I said I�m not eating meat anymore.
STEW: Oh no you don�t, missy. Not in my house.
JERRI: This isn�t your house, �Stewl.�
STEW: GOD DAMN IT! I provide this family with all the meat it can eat. You march into that refrigerator right now, young lady, and you eat my meat!
JERRI: Eat your own damn meat, you... you... (trying to remember the word Mr. Jellineck said) carnivalwhore! I hate this family! I�m going to live with Mr. Jellineck!
Jerri pushes some of her groceries off of the counter; she pauses and grabs a cucumber. She then storms out of the house.
SARA: How many times is that girl going to live with her teachers? Well, as long as she�s out of our hair. Let�s eat. (she puts all of Jerri�s groceries into the garbage) Meat, Stew?
STEW: I�d love some.
Next scene: Jerri walks down the street and knocks on Mr. Jellineck�s door. She�s out of breath, even though she hasn�t gone very far and hasn�t run. Mr. Jellineck opens the door.
JELLINECK (surprised): Jerri? What are you doing here?
JERRI (trying to catch her breath): Mr�Mr. Jellineck. Big�problems�my�project.
JELLINECK: Jerri, you�re out of breath. Hang on, I�ll go get my inhaler.
JERRI (now breathing normally): I don�t have asthma.
JELLINECK: Neither do I. What�s on your mind?
JERRI: My stupid family is stopping me from finishing my project. They�re trying to force me to eat Stew�s meat!
JELLINECK: Uh, what?
JERRI: Stew, our meat man. He�s obsessed with us all eating meat. But if I do, I�ll fail the project. I need to live with you until the project is over.
JELLINECK: Uh, I don�t think so, Jerri. How about if I just talk to your family and explain the situation?
Jerri pushes Mr. Jellineck aside and walks into his apartment. She sees Mr. Noblet peering from behind a wall in the kitchen.
JERRI: Mr. Noblet? Is that you?
NOBLET (looking around): Hey, this isn�t my house! I was wondering where my wife and children were!
Mr. Noblet starts to leave, but Jerri stops him.
JERRI: Mr. Noblet, maybe you can help me.
NOBLET: I don�t know, Jerri, will it involve me having to help you?
JERRI: I'm really in a k-hole. I�m not supposed to eat meat, but my family wants me to. Where can I go? I�d ask to stay with you, but �
NOBLET: No, no, no and no. Well, I�ve got to be getting back to my wife and children now� (feigns a smile and then grits his teeth) my happy little family.
JERRI: Wait a minute, Mr. Noblet. I don�t remember seeing your family when I stayed with you during my child prodigy phase.
NOBLET: It was a big house, Jerri. I�ve gotta go. Geoffrey, I�ll see you tonight � (notices Jerri listening) � you know, for our...bridge game.
JELLINECK: Right.
Mr. Noblet leaves.
JERRI: Mr. Jellineck?
JELLINECK: Alright, Jerri, you can stay. But I need time alone, to�paint. So when there�s a �do not disturb� sign on the door, that means, �no Jerri�s allowed.�
JERRI (does a salute): Got it, Chief.
JELLINECK (looking around): So, where are your things?
JERRI (holding up a cucumber): This is all I brought. Well, that and the clothes I�m wearing�you know, my shirt, my pants, my (licks lips) panties.
JELLINECK: OK, well, I guess you can just get your things later.
JERRI: Yeah, when my family�s not home. Stupid family.
Next scene: Cafeteria, Monday at school.
Jerri walks over to a table with Jimmy and Tammi. Jimmy is in blackface and Tammi has brown hair. Jerri laughs at Jimmy and then notices Tammi�s hair and sits down to eat.
JERRI: Hey, Tamela, you don�t have your Little Orphan Annie locks anymore. What happened to your copperhead, Copperhead?
TAMMI: That was my project for Coach Wolf�s class. I had to change my hair color.
JERRI: That�s it? I have to totally change my diet for the next two weeks and you just have to dye your hair?
TAMMI: Well, when I got the signup sheet, the last two choices were changing your hair color or becoming a vegan. And I�m already a vegan.
JERRI: You are?
JIMMY: And I�m a vegetarian.
JERRI (to Jimmy): You�re not a meat chomper? I don�t believe it. Anyway, why would anyone want to be a vegan?
TAMMI: Well, one reason is because I need to stay slim, you know, because of the�making eggs thing.
JERRI: Oh, right, the ovaries. (laughs) �I don�t have to worry about that. Mine are already taken care of.
TAMMI: Oh, right, the�disease. Well, another reason I wanted to be a vegan was because of what they do to the animals.
JERRI: What do you mean?
JIMMY: The meat you eat doesn�t grow on trees, Jerri. Animals are slaughtered for their meat.
TAMMI: And the cows they get milk from aren�t really treated very well.
JERRI (interested): Really? Where can I learn more about this?
TAMMI: Right in our school�s library.
JERRI (looking at camera): I�ll go there now.
Next scene: Jerri is in the library, looking through a book with pictures of animals at slaughterhouses and other related pictures. The camera focuses on a picture of a bunch of chickens living in a small area.
JERRI (frowns and sighs): My beloved Suki.
Next, the camera focuses on a picture of a monkey being used for research.
JERRI (laughing): Monkeys are adorable!� (turns the page and gasps) That�s horrible! These poor, poor animals. �(stands up as great idea background music plays) �As God as my witness, I�ll never eat meat again! (sits back down and flips the pages in the book as the background music stops) Now, where�d that monkey picture go? (finds the picture and laughs again)
Next scene: Dinner at Jellineck�s.
JELLINECK (setting down plates): I�ve prepared an entire vegan menu. First, we�ll start with salads.
JERRI (picking at the salad): I can�t eat this! Let�s put some chicken in it.
JELLINECK: No meat, remember?
JERRI: Oh yeah�the monkey book. Those poor, poor chickens. (tasting salad) �Those poor, delicious chickens� (stands up) I can�t do this! Thanks, Mr. Jellineck, but I think I�m just gonna skip dinner tonight and�go to sleep. (she runs to another room and then goes out the window)
Next Scene: Pizza Shack restaurant.
Jerri is standing at the counter; the pizza employee hands her a soda.
JERRI: I�ll also have a Double Diablo pizza with extra cheese and� (looks at menu on wall) �let�s see, I�ll have anchovies, pepperoni, sausage, chicken�you got any monkey?
Jimmy and Tammi, who happen to be in the restaurant, walk over to Jerri.
TAMMI: Jerri? What are you doing?
JERRI: Oh, uh, just ordering a pizza with nothin� on it.
PIZZA EMPLOYEE (to Jerri): OK, so that was extra cheese, anchovies, pepperoni...
JERRI (to the pizza employee): How dare you? I am a vegan. �(puts a hand on her hip while holding her soda with the other hand) A proud vegan. You, sir, disgust me. (spills her soda on him and then turns her attention to Tammi and Jimmy) �What are you two doing here?
JIMMY (holding up a pizza slice): We�re trying their new �animal product-free� pizza slices. Why don�t you try a slice?
JERRI (sadly): No thanks. (she starts to leave and talks to herself as she leaves the restaurant) �I�ve gotta do this. I�ve got to prove to myself and everyone else that I can do this. No more meat.� (looks at camera and frowns) �Meat.
(montage of Jerri eating healthy foods and no animal products)
Next Scene: Coach Wolf�s class; Jerri looks slimmer.
WOLF: OK, class, this is the last day of your big life changes. Your presentations will take place after class in the auditorium. I�ll let you have some time now to finish writing your speeches. Let me know if I can help. (she walks over to Jerri) �Jerri, lookin� good�that vegan diet of yours must�ve helped you lose ten pounds!
JERRI: Yeah. I didn�t think I could do it. But I really did it. Two weeks without any animal products. No pizza, no hot dogs, no chicken, no Triple Quarter Pounders with four layers of cheese and extra mayo. You know, I�ve really learned �
WOLF (patting Jerri on the back): OK, Jerri, save it for the presentation.
Next Scene: Auditorium; Jimmy Tickles is finishing his presentation on the stage.
JIMMY: And that�s why, for the past two weeks, I�ve been proud to call myself an African-American!
(the audience applauses)
WOLF (to Jerri on the side of the stage): OK, Jerri, you�re up.
Jerri walks to the podium.
JERRI: My big life change was to become a vegan. I didn�t think I could do it, but after looking through a special book with some poor, unfortunate, delicious animals, I decided I wouldn�t eat them. All you meat-eaters out there should be ashamed of yourselves.
Camera scans the audience, with people looking like they feel guilty. Mr. Noblet is in the audience, and he�s eating from a plate of chicken wings; he continues doing so, as Jerri gives her speech.
JERRI: I know you all think that you can�t get through life without eating any animal products, but I�ve learned something.
She looks at Mr. Jellineck, who is giving her a �thumbs up.� Tammi is standing on the side of the stage, silently clapping.
JERRI: We shouldn�t eat animals, because � (she sees Mr. Noblet eating a chicken wing, dipping it in extra barbeque sauce and then taking another bite) �because�God, those chicken wings look good.
WOLF (on the side of the stage): Uh, Jerri?
JERRI: Uh, what was I saying? Oh yeah, so�don�t eat meat. Thank you. I�m Jerri Blank.
(the audience applauses and some audience members give her a standing ovation)
Stew, who was standing by the door, steps out of the shadows.
STEW: NO!!
Stew runs up to the stage and pushes Jerri aside.
STEW: Don�t listen to her! Meat is good, good for you and me!
Coach Wolf tries to push Stew away, but he doesn�t budge.
RANDOM STUDENT (standing): Jerri has taught me that it�s wrong to eat animals.
STEW (looking at Jerri): Look what you�ve done! �(turns back to the audience) �Without meat men like me, and without all the foods from the animals of the world, your lives would be pretty boring.
(Jerri appears pensive)
STEW: You couldn�t have your Sunday morning sausage and eggs, your turkey on Thanksgiving, your Christmas ham�
JERRI (yelling and smiling): Or your Valentine�s Day dolphin!
STEW: That�s right, Jerri!
JERRI: You�ve got the best meat in town, Stew! Nobody can beat your meat!
STEW: Nor should they try. So come on, everybody! Dig in!
The audience turns their attention to the entrance of the auditorium, where two meat men push a big table of various meat products into the auditorium.
JERRI (back at the microphone at the podium): I�ve got something to say! I�ve decided that I�ve changed my mind about the lesson I think I thought I learned. Meat is good for what ails ya!
STEW (smiling and looking at Jerri): And it tastes good, too.
JERRI: It sure does, Stew.
The audience members run over to grab some food from the meat table and they begin eating.
Jerri goes over to the table of meat. Mr. Jellineck tries to take one of Mr. Noblet�s chicken wings, but Mr. Noblet pulls the plate away from him.
JERRI: Everybody grab some meat and enjoy. �Cause being a vegan or a vegetarian� (she stands between Tammi and Jimmy and looks at the camera) �is for squares and pussies.
Jerri pushes some people at the meat table out of the way.
JERRI: Lemme in!
Jerri begins grabbing various meat products from the table.
JERRI (looking at a random meat man): Got any monkey?� (the meat man hands her a plate with what appears to be monkey meat)
Ending Credits: The camera pans past various characters, including Tammi and Jimmy, dancing (to the instrumental song "Popcorn" by the band Hot Butter) while eating meat.
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fan fiction scripts page.