Home Before Dark - Part Fifteen
by Debbie Nockels
COPYRIGHT: August 2002
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters from BTVS or ANGEL. They're owned by Joss Whedon (who needs to treat them nicer), MutantEnemy, Kuzui, Sandollar, David Greenwalt, the WB, UPN, Fox, etc.
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For a few moments there was only silence, during which everyone except Angel and Buffy carefully avoided each other's eyes. Then Giles went over to Buffy. Angel stepped away, and without saying a word Giles enfolded her in a tight embrace.
Surprised at first, for he was never physically demonstrative, Buffy relaxed and allowed his love to wash over her, along with his dismay/regret/anger/grief over what had happened to her when called back to this world. Tears sprang up, and when finally his arms loosened and she was able to raise her head she saw that his eyes were also wet.
Giles raised his hands to her shoulders. "A lot of things are suddenly much clearer now. Why didn't you tell me?"
Buffy whispered, "I couldn't. You were already angry at Willow; I didn't want to make things worse. Besides, there was nothing you could do about it."
The expression in her eyes almost broke his heart. Giles kissed the top of her head, giving himself time to master his emotions; then he cleared his throat. "More than you think, perhaps. But before I go into that - "
He stepped away and turned, his gaze sweeping the others. "I, er, hadn't planned on doing this right now, but given the revelations we've heard tonight - " He cleared his throat again. " - frankly, I can't think of a better time to make my point." Angel resumed his place next to Buffy, who smiled at him and moved closer. Their hands clasped.
"Uh, what point is that?" Xander asked nervously. Willow remained silent.
Giles shot him a stern look. "That magic is not something to play around with. After that fiasco a few years ago with Amy and the love spell, I wouldn't have thought you'd need to be reminded of that again, but obviously I was wrong."
Xander looked down at the floor, but didn't respond. What could he say, after all? It was true. Willow stood hunched over her folded arms, misery evident in every line of her body. Buffy couldn't see her face because she'd turned slightly away from them, isolating herself, but she had no doubt what she'd see there. Tara moved closer, protectively, apparently forgetting whatever it was that had upset her earlier, but Willow paid no attention.
"Magic is not a toy, Xander; it's an incredibly powerful force," Giles continued.
"I know that!" protested Xander. "And I'm sorry. But I didn't know the amulet had this big hairy magic in it! Like I said, I thought it was just a simple little spell, something that would make us feel good."
"No, you didn't think," Giles said grimly. "You assumed - and because of that four people are dead." The blood drained from Xander's face.
"That's not fair," Dawn protested. "He didn't mean - "
Xander interrupted her. "Giles is right," he said flatly. "Fair has nothing to do with it. If it wasn't for what I did, those four people would be alive right now." He paused. "Well . . . maybe. I mean, probably the odds would have been in their favor."
Dawn started to say something else, but Buffy touched her arm and shook her head. She didn't like what Giles was doing, but she knew it was necessary. Xander had been incredibly careless; she could hardly believe he'd done something so foolish. Dawn glared at her, then looked at Xander's set expression. Her eyes dropped and she subsided, biting her lip.
Giles' voice softened. "I'm sorry to be so harsh, Xander, but I must make you understand. I know you didn't realize what would happen when you invoked the amulet, and if you had known you would never have done it, but that's not the point. When it comes to magic you're like a child playing with matches, with no real understanding of the inherent risks. Magic can be extremely dangerous even for those who have studied and practiced it for many years, which you certainly have not. I want you to promise me you won't try anything like this again."
"Don't worry," Xander said quietly. "I've learned my lesson this time. From now on magic and me are like oil and vinegar - there's no mixage. I'm just sorry that others had to pay the price for my stupidity." He clenched his jaw, hard.
"Thank you." Giles looked over at Willow. He hesitated, then went to her. "Willow." His voice was gentle, but the stricken witch didn't look up.
"You don't have to say it." Her voice was even tighter than Xander's had been. "I was so sure. I thought I had it all figured out. It was a hell portal that killed Buffy, so she must have ended up in hell. Stupid. Stupid and conceited." Willow did raise her head then, but instead of the tears Buffy had expected, her face was haggard and full of self-loathing.
"If it hadn't been for my arrogant meddling, Buffy would still be at peace in heaven where she deserves to be. But I yanked her out of that, back to this world where she has to fight demons and other monsters and risk her life every day."
Tara made a protesting sound. Xander stepped forward. "We yanked her back, all of us. It wasn't just you, Will." Surprisingly, Anya seconded that.
Willow glanced at them. "It was my idea. I was the instigator. You all had reservations about it, especially you, Tara, but I bullied all of you into going along with it." Her attention returned to Giles. "There's nothing you can say to me that I haven't already said to myself."
Giles said quietly, "I'm afraid there's more to it than that. You talked about being stupid and conceited, but you forgot reckless. You should have set wards around your circle to protect it. Why didn't you tell me that the rite was interrupted before you finished it?"
Angel straightened up with a jerk. Buffy gave him an inquiring look, but when he didn't respond went back to watching the others.
Willow looked blank. "Why should I have told you? It obviously worked, �cause here she is." The last words were full of bitterness. "So what does it matter if we didn't finish?"
Tara wet her lips. "Um . . . Giles, I was c-concerned about that too, at first. B-but, like Willow said, Buffy came back, so . . . I thought everything m-must be okay. . . ." Her voice trailed away.
Giles surveyed them for a moment. He sighed. "I've been unforgivably remiss. You two are so powerful that I forget how little you actually know about magic. I should have been instructing you all this time - or have found an instructor for you - instead of letting you experiment on your own."
"So the rite didn't work after all." It was Anya. "Not the way it was supposed to." She bit her lip. "Usually when a ceremony gets disrupted like that, things go wrong in a major way. When that didn't happen, I thought - I don't know - that maybe the Powers had taken a hand."
Angel regarded her with sudden interest, but it was Buffy who asked, "Why did you think that?"
Anya shrugged. "Well, you are the Slayer. You're one of their most powerful warriors. I just figured that the Powers had decided They wanted you back, so they fixed things when the rite didn't work out."
Angel looked at the Watcher. "Giles," he said, "are you trying to tell us that what's affecting Buffy is more than just a little depression?"
Again Giles hesitated, taking out his handkerchief and pulling off his glasses. "I wasn't going to say anything until I'd investigated further, but I think under the circumstances Buffy deserves to know." He crossed back to her. "Buffy, I think that when you were brought back a part of your soul got left behind. It wasn't that noticeable at first because it merged with the trauma of being resurrected."
He paused, but decided not to go into the actual circumstances - that they'd left her buried underground so that she had to dig herself out of her coffin and six feet of dirt when she awakened. Everybody was aware of it; no need to emphasize it. "But as time passed the lack has made itself felt more strongly. I believe that's why you've been struggling for stability these past few weeks."
With a muffled cry, Willow turned away, burying her face in her hands. This time a grim-faced Xander joined Tara in putting an arm around the distraught young woman. Anya muttered, "Of course."
Buffy stared at Giles. "You're saying that all of me didn't make it back here?" Giles assented, adding, "I'm not one hundred percent positive, but given the facts, that conclusion makes a good deal of sense."
Buffy nodded slowly. "Yes. It does. That's exactly the way I've been feeling . . . like a part of me is missing. I thought it was Angel being in L.A. instead of here " - glancing at the vampire - "but maybe it's more than that."
"I'm afraid so," Giles agreed. "After all, Angel has been gone for two years now - longer, actually - and you managed to survive without him all that time - until now."
Knowing he meant it for a mild joke, Buffy gave him a faint smile, but inside she recognized yet again that none of them really understood how important Angel was to her. That even though, yes, she'd survived his move to L.A., and had resumed her life, had even had a caring relationship with Riley, there was always a piece of her heart that forever yearned for the dark vampire with a soul - that wasn't at peace unless they were together. She caught Angel's eye, and knew he understood . . . knew it was the same for him. She squeezed his hand.
"So what do you plan to do about this?" Angel asked Giles. "I assume you have a plan."
"Oh yes," Giles assured him, looking at Buffy to include her. "I need to do a little research, but there are ways to fix spells gone wrong, and I'm sure I'll have the answer in a day or two. Possibly sooner, if Willow and Tara will assist me."
"What?" The shock brought Willow's head up. She stared at him. "But - "
"You're a powerful witch," Giles interrupted, "as you pointed out to me once before." He gave her a wry smile. "And so is Tara. I could use your abilities, if you're willing to help."
"Of course we are," Tara put in. "Aren't we, Will?"
"Of course, but - " Willow's eyes flicked beyond her. " - Buffy might have something to say about that." All heads turned in that direction.
Buffy swallowed and glanced up at Angel. He squeezed her hand encouragingly. She walked over to Willow. The witch made an involuntary movement as if she wanted to run away, but visibly steeled herself and waited.
Buffy told her, "You thought I was in hell, like Angel had been, and you had good reason to think so. Glory was a hellgod and the portal she created opened into her home dimension. When I jumped you had no way of knowing that I hadn't been sucked into the portal - or that my soul hadn't since obviously my body was still here, unlike Angel's that time - "
She stopped, then went on, "Anyway, what I started to say is that I understand why you did it, Will."
"But can you ever forgive me?" Willow's lips trembled.
Could she? Could she forget her bitterness at losing a peace she'd only been able to dream of before? Buffy looked up at Angel. If she hadn't been brought back, how long would it have been before they were reunited - assuming he ever earned his redemption, of course? She took a deep breath and let go of her resentment as best she could. "There's nothing to forgive. You had no way of knowing what the truth was."
For the first time since the truth was revealed, Willow began crying. "I'm sorry, Buffy," she whispered through the tears streaming down her face. "I'm so sorry. If I'd known - "
"You couldn't have known," repeated Buffy, firmly. "And it doesn't matter now anyway. We can't change what's happened. I'm not sure I'd want to, come to that." She glanced at Angel and smiled. "But, Will, you might want to stand back and take a look at how much magic you're doing these days, �cause it seems to me that it's an awful lot. Anyway . . . let's put this all behind us and get on with our lives. Which for you includes helping Giles figure out how to get me put back together again, right?"
Willow nodded, still crying. Giles pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to her. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose a couple of times. "Thank you." Muttering a short phrase in Latin, she gave the handkerchief back to Giles. "There. All clean again."
Giles slowly took it, his face grave. He glanced at Tara, noting the pain in her face. He caught her eye but she quickly looked away, which only increased his suspicions. Troubled, Giles stashed the handkerchief in his pocket. "All right, Willow, Tara, can you meet me tomorrow morning at the shop to begin our research?"
"I have an 8:30 class," Willow said, "but I could show up around 10:00."
"I can be there at 9:00," offered Tara. "Or earlier, if you want. My first class isn't until 1:00."
"I'll see you at 8:30, then," Giles confirmed. "I'm eager to get started on this." He was equally anxious to find out what was going on with Willow. Her casual use of magic for such a trivial matter as a clean handkerchief was disquieting.
END OF THE FIRST HALF OF PART FIFTEEN
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