"I Knew"
by Debbie Nockels
(May 2001)
RATING: PG for language
SPOILERS: The entire Buffy/Angel canon through Seasons 5/2.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters from BTVS or ANGEL. They're
owned by Joss Whedon (who ought to treat them nicer), MutantEnemy, Kuzui,
Sandollar, David Greenwalt, the WB, Fox, etc.
SUMMARY: Angel's thoughts on seeing Willow in the Hyperion lobby at the end of "There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb."
NOTES: My contribution to the rapidly growing volume of Buffy-death fics.
_____________________________________________________________________
I knew. She looked up as we all trooped inside the lobby, laughing and chatting, giddy with relief at being home again. She looked up, and I saw her face . . . and I knew.
I knew it was Buffy. And I knew she was dead.
I don't even remember what Willow said, not really. Something about a hellgod using Dawn's blood to open portals to other dimensions and Buffy using her blood to close them again. And something about Spike trying to help? No, that can't be right. Spike would cut off his right arm before he'd help the Slayer. I must have misunderstood. I wasn't really taking in what she was saying. I vaguely remember hearing Cordelia gasp and Wesley whisper, "Dear God," but I wasn't really listening. I was frozen in place, as though time had stopped.
All I could think was, I should have been there. With Buffy. Fighting alongside her. Helping her, backing her up. The way I always did, before . . .
Before I left so she could have a normal life. A normal life. What a joke. What a gods-damned, enough-irony-to-make-you-scream-your-throat-raw joke. Normal? A normal life doesn't include fighting demons on a daily basis. Normal doesn't include having a sister who's the key to opening doors to alternate worlds.
Normal doesn't mean dying - again - at the age of twenty to save the world. Again.
She'd asked me to stay with her. After her mother's funeral, at the cemetery, when I told her I could stay as long as she needed me to. "How about forever?" she said, her voice shaky. "How's forever sound?" It sounded good, and I wanted to say yes. God, how much I wanted to! Then a minute later we kissed, and everything came rushing back. All the love and passion and longing and just plain need we'd always felt. Like a tidal wave.
And it terrified me. That was why I risked the sunrise and drove back to L.A. immediately after we said our goodbyes. I didn't dare wait until the sun set again because I knew I'd have to see Buffy one more time before leaving . . . and I wasn't sure I'd be able to leave if I did. Because even though after our kiss she told me I'd better go, her eyes were begging me to stay, just as my heart was. And I didn't dare. After everything I'd just been through with Darla . . . after coming so close to crossing over to the darkness again . . . that one kiss was enough to show me that the risk to my soul from loving Buffy was greater than ever. So, weakling that I am, I fled back to the safety of Los Angeles, leaving her there. Alone.
That's why I wasn't there when she fought the hellgod, why I wasn't there when Buffy sacrificed herself to save the world from another apocalypse. Why I wasn't with her when she died.
I should have been there.
I must have said it out loud because Cordy took my hand and said, "Angel, you didn't know. If you had known you would have gone to Sunnydale to help her." I saw tears in her eyes.
"Yeah," said Gunn, "and then we would have all died in Pylea because he wouldn't have been there to fight that Grucie guy."
Cordelia glared at him. He returned her look steadily. "What? It's the truth. We can't be everywhere at once. We make our choices and we have to live with them, right or wrong, good or bad. I know."
Yes, Gunn knows, I thought. It was less than a week ago that one of his friends was killed because his old group decided to go vampire hunting without him. Because they'd given up on him coming to lead them on the hunt. Because he was helping us instead of hunting with them. Yes, Gunn knows about divided loyalties and about making choices.
Would I have gone? Never mind the apocalypse part of it. If I'd known Buffy was fighting a hellgod who was trying to kill her sister, if she'd called me and asked me for help, would I have gone to Sunnydale, even with Cordelia being lost in another dimension? Would I?
And I knew the answer was yes. I would have felt guilty because I'd be deserting my friends - but I would have gone. Because Wesley and Gunn were going after Cordelia anyway and because Buffy's need was greater. I know these hellgods. I know how powerful they are and the thought of Buffy fighting one, even with the help of her friends, strikes horror into my soul. I should have known this was happening in her life. I should have gone.
"Angel," Willow said, and her eyes were puffy from all the crying she'd done in the past hours, "it wouldn't have made any difference if you had been there. Once the first cut was made and Dawn started bleeding - " She couldn't go on. She didn't have to.
If I'd been with her, I wanted to say but didn't - couldn't - if I'd been there fighting along with her . . . helping her . . . maybe she could have gained that extra minute she needed to rescue Dawn before the knife slashed that delicate skin, before the first drops of blood began to trickle down. Or even just enough time to stop the second cut from happening and put pressure on the first one so that the bleeding stopped. Then the portals would have closed on their own, without . . .
I couldn't even go to the Oracles and beg them to turn back the day. That wasn't an option. The Oracles were dead too. Dead like Buffy was dead.
I stood up (wondering vaguely at what point I'd sat down) and walked to the elevator, hearing the voices of my friends like a distant hum around me, saying my name, but it didn't reach me, couldn't pierce the fog through which I walked.
Now I'm sitting in my room, staring out the window at the twinkling cityscape, and all I can think of is Buffy. How beautiful and passionate and dedicated she was and how very, very much I loved her. Still love her. Will always love her.
I should have been there.
THE END
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