Britney Spears admits: "I am a total fucking whore"

(HOLLYWOOD - KRT) After weeks of speculation, pop star
Britney Spears has publicly admitted that her entire "career" was
simply a cover for providing escort services.

"I was afraid this day would one day come," said Spears. "I am
so fucking ashamed of myself. I am piss in this porcelain world."

Spears' manager revealed the truth of the allegation, following two
weeks of speculation triggered by and FBI probe into the finances
of three of the hijackers who attacked the World Trade Center.

"For years, Britney has been pretending to be a 'singer'," said Jack
Jackson, who refused to be called 'her pimp'. "In fact, ninety-three
percent of her income was derived from providing sexual pleasure
to clients through the world."

Jackson noted the half of the remaining seven percent of Spears'
income came from sales of posters.

"Yeah, I had that idea," said Jackson, "after this one oil exec from
Venezuela was like 'Hey, she's hot enough to be a porn star, if you
don't look at her weird-o eyes'."

Spears admits that the majority of her clients were "fucking weird-oes".

She noted, "A lot of them were grossly disfigured,or frequently they
had some absurd sexual dysfunction, like not being able to cum unless
there was a silver, early 1940s, art deco blender in the room".

FBI agent, James Olmos, from the Miami field office, first discovered
the activities of Spears while studying the money trail left by three of
the Septmber 11th hijackers.

On the afternoon of August 29, 2001, Spears' pimp was approached
by Mohammed Atta.

Said Jackson, "He was all like 'My buddies is dummy losers'. Get them
laid before they die seemed to be his main point."

The would be hijackers requested they be provided with two hours of
sex, during which they repeatedly gang raped Spears with everything from
a cookie cutter dripping in diesel to an Isreali flag doused in ether.

"They really had a thing for cutting me with things soaked in toxic liquids",
said Spears.

When Spears pointed out that they weren't as disfigured or as dysfunctional
as many of her clients, one of the hijackers reportedly said, "We will be
in about two weeks."

"He then smashed my head off the wall, and told me that it was all my fault
that Star Trek was cancelled in the 1960's," said Spears, "long before it
had really run it's course as a show."

When asked how much money was involved, Olmos said, "Well, shit.
Let's be fair, you coulda bought a Bentley or a Lambourghini and still
had enough money for gas and parts."

The Department of Homeland Security imediately issued an advisory
informing Americans to watch out for all Arabs driving Bentleys.

The advisory was revoked by Vice-President Dick Cheney, purportedly
after the American Association for Retired Persons complained.

Said AARP President Bob Iforgot-therestamyname, "There won't be
any fucking doctors left if you arrest all the brown people in Bentleys!
What the fuck were they thinking?"

When asked why the huge hoax, Spears said, "Well, if you think about
it, what better way is there to hide millions?"

Spears added, "Fuck! You oughta hear what Carson Daly's actually
hiding! Let's just say it involves one night, eight pounds of cocaine,
and that Jessie fuck face they let on MTV back in the day."

In a press conference laden with references to The Art of War, a
2500-year old Chinese military text, Jackson said the whole thing was
a "hide in plain sight" strategy.

Said Jackson, "Sun Tzu says that an army must be like water, and flow
with it's enemy. The lay of the land for the late 1990s was misguided
bullshit consmerism. That where we hid."

During a recent interview with Esquire magazine, Osama bin Laden denied
his mind-numbed intellectual-clone army soldiers had just been "pissing
away daddy bin Laden's hard-earned cash".

Said bin Laden, "If you pause and consider, what else could have convinced
these moral, just, religious, pious men to slam a plain into a building?"

Bin Laden, who repeatedly asked to be henceforth called by his rapper name,
"B. Liddy", concluded, "If you met Britney Spears in person, you'd be
firmly convinced that killing thousands of Americans was justified."

Attorney General John Ashcroft immediately demanded all the members
of N'Sync be arrested.

"God only fuckin' knows," said Ashcroft.

Three member of the Backstreet Boys were killed in a hail of gunfire, after
being confronted by ATF agents outside a strip club in Austin, Texas.

The remaining two members were reportedly tortured to death by a Mexican
drug cartel, under strict orders by the CIA.

Ashcroft added, "It is only a matter of days before the members of O-Town
are brought to their knees by our bloody brand of Old West justice."

Ashcroft insisted that members of B.B. Mac and S-Club 7 be handed over
to American authorities by the British government.

In a really spooky voice, Ashcroft said, "For these fuckers, there will be
no . . . laaaawww..."

Ashcroft denied the U.S. is planning extensive commando actions throughout
Europe. The European Union is believed to be used as a training ground
for boy bands and other "bubble gum bullshit groups".

President Bush said, "Will take all measures to ensure that the transmutation
of Euroe-trash pop with American influences does not escape, like it did in
1996, when the Backstreet Boys turned their early European success into
an American empire rivaled in history only by Andrew Johnson's acquisition
of Alaska in 1867."