God to cancel New Testament

(JERUSALEM - Reuters) In a surprise press release to the Reuters News Agency,
God said he plans to cancel the New Testament.

"I though going light on you guys was a good idea," said the Almighty. "It is clear
to me now that I was very, very mistaken."

The statement comes two days after Paris was beset by a plague of sores.

President Jacques Chirac issued this reply to God: "At first, we had just assumed
this curse was exclusively for the French. Most of French are atheist commie bastards
anyhow. But, then we notice nobodoy is Quebec was being hit. Thank you God
for clarifying that this new turn of cruelty has nothing todo with the French national
spirit of debauchery and postmodernism and laziness."

Today, following God's press release, outbreaks of what National Weather Services
officials call "goddamned strange shit" occurred worldwide.

An adulterer in Tennessee is believed to be the first person turned into a pillar of
salt since the 200 B.C.

Likewise, instances of "frog rain" have been on the increase worldwide. Galveston, Texas
was declared a federal emergency area after three city blocks were reduced to "nothing
but frog guts and bent steel" according to one eyewitness.

God said, "I tried. Really. 2000 years is more than a try. Y'know, Jesus is still
smarting from that whole cross thing."

President George Bush told a packed White House briefing, "We do intend to build a frog
defense shield within ten years."

White House advisor Carl Rowe noted, "In the mean time, don't fucking piss God off!"

Spokesman Ari Fleisher noted he was Jewish, and had been doing without the New Testament
quite fine all his life.

Laura Bush lamented the loss, saying, "Y'know, all that cheap forgiveness was nice. But, all
you piss-headed mongrels had to ruin it."

God concluded his press conference, saying, "If this is the way you want it, this is the way you got it."