(BETHLEHEM-AP) In a surprise press release to the Associated Press, Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of Mankind, admitted that he has been battling a series of hang-ups and "issues" involving sex.
"I masturbate constantly," said Christ. "You know how sometimes you're sitting there, and your dick feels like you're going to piss a gusher of cum if you don't jack off... Imagine that for every day for 2000 plus years."
The Pope immediately denied the claim, saying, "ughuhg... hjjuhg... kjhiu."
A spokesman for the Pope said, "Well, he's getting really fucking old and incoherent. The sad part is, he really still has a good mind, he's just so fucking crippled you wish you could pull and Ol' Yeller on him."
The Pope then added, "Ughy... juff... poo-poo- gunly, yuff."
The spokesman then said, "Well, shit! Even that one flew over my head."
Jesus continued his desperate plea, "Sometimes, when I am taking a hard a shit, I will put my hand back there, and pop the turd in and out a few times until I feel like I'm going to cum. Then I tie a rope around my neck and fall off the toilet."
Jesus then concluded, "I am so fucking ashamed of myself. I have no idea how the hell those Buddhist monks pull it off... I guess it's just one more sign that my father never really loved me."
The Dahli Lama issued a press release, saying, "All life is suffering. Fuck him. If he can't handle his wicky, what are we supposed to do? Jesus Christ! I'm just a silly old man who wears orange clothes after Memorial Day."