Jesus to return, doubts apocalypse

(ROME - AP) In a brief e-mail sent carbon copy to the Pope,
the Living Buddha, and Osama bin Laden, Jesus Christ announced that
he does plan to return.

However, the Son of God added that he doubts the apocalypse will
ensue upon his arrival.

"Really, if you read the Bible, the world should be in a flaming fuck--"
said Christ. He paused, then added, "Well, still... Isreal and September 11th
are small potatoes next to Hiroshima and the concetration camps."

The White House moved quickly to deny the authenticity of the e-mail.

"Let's be real about this," said spokesman Ari Fleischer. "If Jesus were coming
back, he would probably notify MTV News or USA Today. Nobody listens
to the Pope-- he's fucking cripple."

Fleischer added, "If the Catholics had a shread of goddamn
decency, they'd put a .22-caliber bullet in the base of his skull! What kind of
sick fucks let some poor bastard suffer that goddamned long?"

The White House quickly retracted Fleischer's statements.

However, the President reiterated the position that Jesus would have
contacted someone "more American".

"Not even God would piss on a Texan with access to a nuclear arsenal,"
said Vice-President Dick Cheney. "The whole e-mail thing is obviously
pure bullshit."

"I don't know what the fuck we were thinking," said President Bush,
"having a Jew tell you about the Pope and Jesus. That would be like
asking Bill Gates what he thought was good for the Windows operating
system. Just fucking retarded, if you really think about it."

Jesus Christ is best known as the Son of God. A bunch of Jews who were
eating mushrooms at the time decided that he was killed for their sins.

"Yeah, you do think of shit like that when you're tripping," Christ is quoted
as saying in the Revelations : Revisited, to be released by Viking Press
the week before Thanksgiving.

The book is co-authored by Dr. R. Elbert Kung, of Clarion University of
Pennsylvania, where he works as Professor of Physiology.

Christ told Larry King on CNN last night, during a telephone interview, that
he in no way released the e-mail to drum up support for the new book.

"Although, I have to admit, pushing back the Apocalypse probably will help
sales," said Christ. "After all, it's mostly literate people who are going to be
wiped out before the Rapture. What, with all their kinky ideas and self-righteous
indignation at the 'problems' God has with face fucking and homosexuality."