(CHICAGO-AP) In a surprise move, Oprah Winfrey announced she will no longer be doing her book club series.
"Books suck ass," said Winfrey to a stunned, but still brainlessly willing to follow audience.
Several crew members said that Oprah was sticking of Tequila, and still tipsy from a recent exploration of "what it would be to do mescaline for three days straight."
"I wish to share my love of power with you in a way we can all enjoy," said Winfrey. "That's why I'm starting this gun club."
Reaction was poor.
"What the fuck do you expect," said Chiquita Johnson, of Peoria, IL. "Oprah is such a goddamn poopy face."
Another devoted fan of Oprah, Malik al-Sahir, said, "This is the kind of shit that makes me want to go off and bomb a fucking cafe."
Oprah immediately responded to the accusations, "Fuck them. Fuck you. I own all you motha fuckas! You hear me. I have money, and I'm an American. That means you can go fuck yourselves."
Oprah added that Chicago will henceforth be known as Peyote Junction. "It's not like you ass-faced whore-rammers had a better name for the city," said Winfrey.
Winfrey then added, "I hate the way white people smell. Borothers-- don't deny it. White people smell funny. And not funny like your dog after being out in the rain. I mean funny like old underwear."
One audience member, notably a hispanic woman, said to Oprah, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Oprah instantly retorted, "Go pick some cabbage, cunt."
Security then dragged the woman out into a back alley, where she was repeated throttled with a broom handle in her ass.
Oprah concluded, "the only reason I tolerate white people is because I make so goddamn much money from all you dumb-fuck soccer mom cunts."
"Fuck off," said Winfrey," the truth will soon be obvious."