CLARION, PA (AP) -- Actor Dustin Diamnond was discovered
in a state of shock in a log cabin near Rimersburg, Pennsylvania.

"We have no idea who the fuck he is," said Rimersburg Police Chief Stephen Bilunka,
"but apparently the young people seem to think he's pretty fuckin' important."

Diamond was discovered unconscious, covered in excrement, inside an abandoned
hunting cabin. A pair of young nymphettes, seeking a retreat for their lustful excursions,
discovered the body.

"We, like, found this really icky afro covered in snails and ew stuff," said Mary Ann Smith.
"I was so, totally, abosultely offended when I found it was Dustin Diamond."

Diamond is most famous for playing the character Screach on "Saved by the Bell",
a television show largely singled out for bringing the demise of network television.

In a short statement to the press, Diamond said, "I am so goddamn high right now.
If I was any more high I'd be the goddamned Hindenburg!!!!" Diamond then
proceeded to snicker thoughtlessly about shit that was not funny.