Meanings of Death-Death and Humor
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There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. 

What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in... well, you know the rest.

A man goes to the doctor and finds out that he is very ill and only has a few weeks to live. He can't believe it and starts asking the doctor, "What can I do?" 

The doctor says that unfortunately it is too late and he should concentrate on getting his affairs in order. 

"There must be something!" the man says. "What about radiation, chemotherapy....I'm a tough guy!" 

The doctor again says that there is nothing they can do for him and he should concentrate on the time he has left. 

The man, however, is beside himself and will not give up. "Doc, please. What about experimental treatments? I'm not leaving until you give me something!" 

At this point the doctor finally says, "OK, if I were you I'd take my wife up to the wine country and go to one of those spas they have, for a mud bath." 

Now the guy really can't believe it. "A mud bath?" he says. "If radiation won't work, chemo won't work, what is a mud bath supposed to accomplish?"

"Well, replies the doctor, "It will get you used to dirt."

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" 

The first priest said, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," said St. Peter, and off flew the first priest. 

The second priest mulled this over for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," said the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" said St. Peter, and the second priest disappeared. 

A week went by, the computer was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asked.

"The first one should be easy," said St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." 

"Why?" asked the Lord. 

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota." 

A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away. 

When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would "take care" of all of the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said. 

One the first envelope it said "for the casket". There was $5,000.00 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket. 

The second envelope said "for the expenses" and had $4,000.00 in it so she paid all the bills from the funeral. 

The third envelope said "for the stone" and had $3,000.00 in it. She then held her hand out to her friends and said, "Isn't it beautiful!!!" 

The widow took a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, found that he was in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. 

The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time." 

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" 

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. 

The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads."

A minister at a funeral service said to the congregation: "Before we send this man's soul into eternity, can we have a good word about him?" Complete silence. 

So he asked again, "Can't we have one good word about this soul before we send it into eternity?" Nobody said a word. 

He pleaded again, and finally a little old man got up and said: "His brother was worse!" 

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, Fred Brown died." 

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'm, there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries." 

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died - 1983 Pick-up for sale." 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

A man was in his bed dying, slipping in and out of consciousness, and his wife came into the room with his doctor and the parish priest. 

"Mrs. Kelleher, you realize that the bill for my services is $1000," the doctor said. 

"Fine, I'll see to it that it's paid from the insurance." 

"And, don't forget, Doreen, the funeral and casket will cost $1000," the priest said. 

"Don't worry, Father, I'll see to it that you're paid as well." 

The three walked over to the bed and the doctor stood on one side of the man and the priest stood on the other. The dying man opened his eyes and saw the two men there, and said, "Father, would you tell the people at my funeral that I died as Jesus died?" 

"Do you mean pure of heart and poor in spirit, Tom?" 

"No, I mean between two thieves." 

A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the ownerdecided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants.

Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card baring this sentiment: "Rest in Peace."  Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation.

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry... imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: "Congratulations on Your New Location."

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." 

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. 

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo." 

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

A passenger plane was getting pounded by a raging storm.  The terrified passengers screamed, certain of their imminent death. 

A young woman jumped up and exclaimed, "I can't take this! I won't die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I must perish, let me die feeling like a woman. Who here is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" 

A strapping, handsome man arose, smiled, and made his way toward her. 

As he approached, he tore off his shirt, his huge muscles rippling dramatically in the flashes of lightning. He stood before her, shirt in hand, and said to her.... 

"Here. Iron this."