Dear John Letters

Sometimes we can't help but listen, where advice isn't needed. Some of the following are just
letters of advice. These letters have been edited to not reflect the writer, as with some of the responses.
             If you are the writer of a letter on "Dear John Letters", and no longer want them here, just email me with the email address you wrote to me with, and they will be deleted.


 



Dear John,
    There is this man who I loved very much and still am in- love with but we know it will not work out for us
 because we both have too much we'd  have to give up to be together , Family . He E-mails me just about daily
 and writes about how we met and his feelings for me and how they grew . He has always been good with words
he could melt butter in freezing weather with his words , but I need more than "words" now . I don't hate him and
will never forget him but how do I make him understand that I  need to have no contact with him at all so that I can move on ? I can't get him to understand that even E-mail rattles my emotions and I can't deal with that now , HELP ,what do I do , and how do I make him understand ???? You must know besides being someone who can be so sweet he can also be hurtful {unknowingly , but hurtful } , what I mean is he sent me a picture of him and his "fiance" and asked me for my "blessings"~!!~~!~!~!~!~!!~ Tacky and cheap if you ask me , I told  him so, but now how do I tell him to just let me go .......Please it hurts too much to hope he'll come back here to me.... then to realize I'm just dreaming , I'd rather end it then go through that anymore.


Dear_____,
       I understand how you feel. It must be hard to have feelings that you cant react to... especially love
that deep. In the book of life, it says to" live your means as best as you can for the goodness of yourself
and your heart." Yourself -should always come first.Sounds to me that this guy loves you very much,and you
love him very much, but due to each of the lifes that you two possess you cant be together.Because the love
of a family is the same for a relationship...an  extension to the family so called. Maybe something will happpen in
the future that will open a door.But,for now, a simple understanding between the two of you that communication
should stop for the gooodness of your heart,not forever mind you, because you still possess that love,.but for awhile
 so that you can get your heart to heal. To stop this love would be giving away a piece of yourself. Stop looking at the
now and put this love at: the future part of your heart.
A SERIOUS QUESTION FROM JOHN DEAR: do you think it is  in the best interest for you to let go of this love
knowing what it consists of and knowing that someone else might be the reciever?  Is that the chance you are
willing to give up, for a lifetime? If something changes in the future you may not ever get him back.This question
 is one you must answer from within,not through the mind.If it is yes....express it to him
politely and I think he will know how you will feel. A true man knows that love is for a lifetime and
to show it is of a greater showing of love.If he truely loves you he will let you go. You start
healing your heart _____ and make the best of yourself and carry his love with you.
                                                                                                                         Love, John Dear



 John Dear,
    Thank you for sharing this truth about internet affairs.  My marriage was ruined when my husband started chatting.  At first he wanted me to join him.  So I did.  But, it was strange and uncomfortable to me to "chat" with strangers about things I only had shared with him.        Anyhow, inspite of my discomfort, he continued.  
  He spent a lot of time on the computer.  He said he was working, but I knew better.  He was not as attentive to me and the children.  He became dissatisfied with my every attempt to please him.  He stopped talking things out with me.I would find signs that he had been masterbating.  I was certain that it was while he was on-line at 2 and 3 in the morning.
  I began to feel invisible, undesirable, and very very hurt.  Depression hit me so hard that I ended up on suicide watch in a hospital.  
  He never accepted that I felt betrayed by his on-line life.  He said that I was being oversensitive and foolish.  
  I finally left him and his computer.  We have been separated for three years and are currently going through a divorce.
  We have to communicate because we have children together so, I send him an e-mail.  It is the only way to get any real conversation out of him.:-)
  I enjoy being on-line when time permits.  I like to write.  I enjoy helping people too.  I just wanted to say thank you for this site and your posts on Lovingyou.com.  They have been quite a comfort to me.
  My name is my real name, so please, I ask that you do not post my name anywhere.  

John Dear writes:
   Im sorry to hear that not only you but your children have suffered because of the internet. My prayers are with you. The intenet is an addiction.Im happy that my words can give you a little contentness. If you ever want to talk , just leave me a line and Ill get right back to you.
                                                                
                                                             Sincerely,John Dear



Dear John Dear,
  My husband has been chatting with women on here for years now. It makes me physically ill and sometimes I want to die.He can't see what it is doing to me.He says because it is not "physical".it is not cheating.But to me,it hurts just as bad.I just need someone to talk to.I thought maybe a male opinion would help.


John Dear Writes:
    First I want to say that Im sorry for the emotions that you are feeling. It is hard to think that your husband is redirecting his attention ,that you desearve as his wife, toward someone on the internet.  Most likely, this person isnt as she presents herself. This may not be a woman at all. You can be whomever you want to be when you are online.So, for a smile,think about him talking to a guy pretending to be a woman. Ever think of starting an affair with your husband online yourself? How about sitting right beside him while he is online? You may think that a trust issue is at hand here, but how much trust do you have with him now? Trust is a good foundation for marriage, without it...there isnt a relationship.
    Your fears are based upon your lack of "knowing whats going on". so in order for you to release those fears ,you are going to have to find out the truth. The emotional stress that you are suffering needs to end. If it has pushed you to the point where you want to die , then its time that you redirect your emotions towards yourself. Someone that is more desearving than him.
    It may not be him -not knowing- what it is doing to you, but more the lack of concern. People get so carried away, almost in a "Honeymoon stage", when they get caught up in an affair online. If he acts now,while online, towards these women..as he did when you first met and started dating, then Id give him a reality check.
     If you are ready to stop his misguided attention, then you must tell him how you feel and let him know...its you or the computer.(the computer is nothing than a fantasy online)Stop abusing yourself or should I say letting him abuse you.
      "Physical" and "emotional"....are both cheating. You each have devoted both of those aspects to each other on the day of your wedding.
   I feel honored that you have written me for some male advice, thank you! 
                                                                         Sincerely,JohnDear



    Hello there:)
     well, i do believe that internet affair last... even though mine didnt last, im still thankful coz i experienced it and became happy even for a while... all that you had ben said was true and all i can say is that be ready to face the consequences...be happy:)


   Sir, i have just read your thought's on LUST-LOVE-LIFE and i have a growing problem that i think you may be able to offer some guidence toward. for the past four year's i have been interested in this girl and over the past several months, my feelings have grown beyond my abilities to cope. it is tearing me up, eating me alive. the problem? i've never even spoken to her. for a long time i didn't know what i was feeling, having never felt this way before but have come to realize it is love, or as much as you can love someone you've never met. it's not lust in a conventional sense, i would rather spend the night just talking with her than anything else...but my wife would not be too agreeable with such a prospect i fear. without getting into all of the dynamics, i just need to know if i should talk to this girl (what to say, what to say....) or never take the chance. thank you in advance. 

John Dear writes:
   Seems to me like you have a crush on her. Physically,that is.I would assume that the feelings 
that you have toward her are in fact being taken away from yourwife. You must notice the 
difference, at home. Holdingsomething inside is a danger to your well being as it is also 
damaging the existing relationship you have.The Problem??..you are lusting after this girl to
the point where she has become something that she isnt. If you havent talked to her yet, How 
would you know if its love.Love is a two way streak! First thing,first...you need to talk to 
this girl. If you cant function in Reality,you are holding too much inside.Get it out. ASAP. 
Talking can't get you into trouble, unless the talk is taking you away from your wife.If your 
wife thinks that you talking to other women is wrong, then she may have insecurity
issues.Keep me posted. 
                                                             Sincerely,John Dear

 


 John dear, 
  Thank you for your reply. you are correct on most count's of course. i am attracted to her 
Physically, in the word's of my father,"i wouldn't kick her out of bed" however i have not
even thought about her in those term's, i'm as human as any other guy but i want more than sex 
at this stage in my life. i know i can't truly be IN love with someone i've never even met,
my friends tell me the same thing, but it's more than lust, lust has such dirty undertones, and 
this has affected me on such a deep level...to the point that it may be spiritual in nature. i
realize this is a dangerous game i play, someone is bound to get hurt, c'est la vie, no? i have 
been with my wife for __ year's in one form or another, we were firstly friend's and i'd like to 
think we remain so. and i'm not much of a one for lying, so when she asked me what was bothering 
me, i told her. her response was not one i expected. she told me to go talk to the other woman 
if it would make me feel better, we are friend's before anything else, as i said. i was happy 
in my marrage,then, everything changed, 'tho i still can't define exactly what,when or where. 
am i making up excuses to justify what i am about to do? yes i guess i am. and i know 
when it all goes to hell, i have no one but myself to blame. but i don't think i can be on my 
deathbed, wondering "if only".life is like that i guess, but it make's for an interesting ride, 
don't you think? well, thank's for listening to my rambling's. and your advice is taken into 
account, more than you know.  

John Dear writes:
  Yes, I do think that "society" has redefined lust in a more negative cognative. Some things 
to think about before you take that boat into open waters.The seas will be rocky.  "Comfortable"
 is what I see you and your wife having. I know the fantasy you are havingwith this girl has 
grown way off the reality charts , so remember that you need to start at point one.Noneed to 
take harsh actions!She has obviously gotten into your soul. You put her there, mind you. She 
would need to earn that position. As your wife has. Its good to see friendship still combined 
with marriage. Yes,"thats life" , and no...."what if's" are regrets. A happy life is one where 
you carry no regrets. Hope everything turns out and you settle down your soul.
                                                                 Sincerely, John Dear



John Dear,
 I ran into an old boyfriend that I dated many yrs. ago. I broke it off with him then because I felt he was to young for me. He was separateing from his wife,and needed a place to live. I rented him a room.After a short time we started an affair. It was very Intence,passionate and wonderful. He told me his wife was in a relationship with a guy she met on the internet. Eventually I found out that he had first started internet relationships with unsuspecting girls,which led to an actual metting and date. This I've discovered was the reason for there separation. I stayed in a living relationship with this man anyway,thinking he loved me as I did him. I thought there must of been other problems to have an 11yr marriage end over that.As time has went by, I have learned the other reasons. We no longer sleep in the same room. He is a compulsive liar, has stolen large amounts of money from me and I have now caught him on the computer talking to other women at 5am. I suspect he is starting online relationships since everytime I walk in the room he quickly shuts every thing down, and has told me that it's personal and doesn't want me to see what he's writing. To me this behavior is unexceptable! I do'nt need advice,I already know that this relationship should be ended. He is no longer satisfied in a monogamis relationship. But thanks for listening.

   I met the man of my dreams on the internet. We will be getting married within the year. I never knew happiness until I met him. We are coming up on being together for two years and I can honestly say I look forward to growing old with him. Also, I like your web site but your choice in color background could improve. I do not know if you did a color analysis but some of your text is difficult to read.

Dear John, 
   I have a problem right now.  For the last couple of weeks now, I been having an affair with 
another man. Just this morning he asked me to marry him.  I have fallen in love with this man, 
even though we never met, and I fallen out of love with my husband. We have been married 10 
years now and we have three beautiful children together.  This man I been chattingwith has sent 
me pictures of him and vice versa.  We chat 2 to 3 hours at a time and gotten to know each
other very well.  He desperatly wants to meet me and I really want to meet him.   The problem 
is he lives in_________ and I live in the United States.  Please help me, I don't know what 
to do.

Dear ______;
   First I'd like to say, Im sorry for you being in this position. It must be very hard for you 
to deal with your emotions right now. Im glad you had taken the time to write to me. Id like to 
start with your emotions on this reply,first. I can imagine the world in which you live in, 
longing to sign onto the internet, to see weather you have email,or if this other person is 
on-line.Its as addictive as a drug, isnt it? The excitement must be nerve racking, the
dissappointment at not seeing any type of response must make your heart sink and your attitude 
fall. The affair that you are refering to  is more of a headgame. A switching of love from your 
heart towards this other man. On my website, I refer to it as LUST. Two weeks ,even in the real 
world,isnt very much time to get to know anyone.It can only be classified as an affair if your 
heart is being taken away from your husband, and given to this other man.Does this man
know that you are married? Does he know that you have three wonderful children?...he has asked 
you to marry him, knowing this? Ask yourself these questions. Here is something to think about, 
what is it that this man gives you that your husband doesnt. Dont ever try to compare the two, 
your husband is real, this person on the internet hasnt had to go through the ideas of
marriage, the baring and raising of children, the time spent earning money to support the
family...etc.The ups and the downs of your early life. He wasnt being fair to you or himself 
if he asked a married woman to marry him. He is asking you to give up your world for his. He 
wants you to go through hell, for him.Isnt that selfish? You havent really told me much on your 
marriage, if it has been in trouble for awhile or has it been this way since you have met this 
man.Have you really fallen out of love with your husband? Sometimes when new things happen in
life, your mind will switch attention and your effort may be in the wrong place.  My advice to 
you is to take some time alone and think about your husbands feelings toward you. How hard is it
to walk up to him and look him in the face and tell him the truth about what you want.Could you 
handle all the emotions that are going to be placed at your feet? Then you must also take the 
time to tell your children that Daddy isnt going to be here anymore with you. If you are
thinking of Divorce for the sole reason of meeting up with this other man,then I think you may 
want to reconsider ,at least for a little while.Divorce is horrible for all involved. It hurts 
everyone,especially the children. Sometimes its the only way if you are in an abusive situation.
10 Years is alot of time invested into a relationship.Are you really  willing to just let that 
go? Take things slow, and if this is what you want, you'll know. As far as ______ is concerned...
I have no clue as how to get there. I hope I had helped and feel free to write me again on
your decision or more questions. 
                                                         Sincerely, John Dear


     You ask if internet affairs can last, I think they can last. However not always in the compassity that someone would want them to last. I had an internet affair. I pretended to be this young, attractive, successful woman. So in the course of having a great time and meeting some wonderful people. I met this wonderful man. Who I instantly fell in love with. WE had a great connection and it lasted for a few months. I began to realize that this could never happen between him and I. He divorced his wife and I began to feel quilty, I knew that this could never be between him and I and I was giving him false hope. I was not young, attractive, or single. I was married with children. I tried to break it off between us. But he was in love with what he thought was real. So I decided to fake my death. That was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. I lost just about every friend on the internet I had because of it. After some time went by and he divorced his wife and !
I seperated from my husband for awhile, We started talking again. Now I consider him my best friend he knows all my secrets. So you ask if internet affairs last? Yes they do, MY only advise is be honest with yourself and who ever your talking to. Tell them who and what you are. Lets face it you can talk to someone on the internet about anything. They don't usually judge you because if they do then they have been judged themselves. I am glad that I met someone like the man I met on the internet. I hope someday to meet him. I will always love him he is a wonderful man and a great friend. I don't plan on ever meeting him and know deep in my heart that will never happen. But I believe in fate and I believe in Destiny. If something is meant to be it will be. I have no regrets about what I did. Because I have become a better person from it. I am now very active in church and my kids lives and I don't spend alot of my time on the internet. I would like to tell this man that he has !
made me see who I am and has helped me through some very difficult times in my life. I remember him in prayer every day and will for the  rest of my life. Thank you.





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