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i
could be in love. "What… what… what are you…" Words seemed to have failed her. She couldn't form the exact question she already had the answer for. "…What? …are you? …what are you? …Justin, what are you doing?" She was surprised in herself. She had almost thought it impossible to complete a single sentence under his gaze. He
was too close. Something about the situation seemed wrong in every way
possible. Then again, it seemed so utterly right in the pit of her stomach,
and in her chest, as every breath caught and tried with much difficulty
to be useful by passing the oxygen on to the organs, which were in dire
need of it. That feeling, the nervous, yet excited feeling that makes
you forget how to breathe properly, that feeling had to be good. She
could feel every fiber of her being longing for the very thing he was
obviously committed to accomplishing in the next few moments.
The
inner struggle she had going on wasn't a difficult one. She was pulled
between two things. In one hand, she had her feelings, something that
would never fail her. They seemed to be cheering on his efforts. In
the other hand, there was the fact that it was Justin. That mere fact
apparently changed everything in her book.
She
didn't have much more time to go over things and debate the two things
in either hand. She needed a conclusion. Justin didn't look to want
to delay the action any longer. She had to think fast, but now her brain
wouldn't even function. The nervous, over-joyed, anticipating feeling
clouded her thoughts and wouldn't allow anything but enjoyment. She
was numb as far as control over her body. She was an instrument in his
hands; he was free to do as he pleased.
In
her brain's last fleeting moment, when his face was only inches from
her own, she was able to muster one last word. "But…"
This
one word conjured a reply from him, the first words to be spoken from
his mouth since the moment had begun. "I don't care." The words were
spoken so lightly that she was almost certain that she had imagined
them. Then, they were lengthened with more power behind the tone. "I
just don't care anymore." And that was it. No more words were needed.
The few inches between the two was traveled. The target had been reached.
Melanie
jumped out of bed so quickly she almost sent Twinkle flying off the
bed. She blinked her eyes profusely trying to take in everything at
once. After realizing her reality she plopped down, only inches from
squishing the alarmed Chihuahua. "Why? WHY? Why does this KEEP HAPPENING
TO ME?" A low grumble came from the next bed over, but no sign of stirring.
Brenda was apparently a hard sleeper, seeing as she wasn't awoken by
the outburst.
With
Twinkle settling down on the covers again, Melanie got up and dressed
warmly for a walk on the beach. It was still dark as she made her way
toward the waves that were splashing in. Getting her feet wet, she tried
to clear her head but that task seemed impossible.
She
took a seat on an old wooden bench that didn't appear able to support
much weight anymore. She stared off at the waves, but shook her head
with her eyes closed, then opened them once again when the lighthouse
in the distance was in her view. A few seconds later the action was
repeated, yet lasted longer this time. She looked at her feet as she
smashed them into the sand. "A simple kiss. Why can't I forget a simple
freaking kiss that happened six months ago? It wasn't THAT good. Why?
I just want to forget about it. Is that too much to ask for?"
She
had been having the same dream lately, each time ending it a little
sooner than the last. She couldn't bear to see the end anymore. Things
hadn't worked out that great. They eventually got over the hurt feelings,
but it had taken a while. Now, she couldn't even bear to see the kiss.
She had no idea what it all meant. She thought she could get past it
and never worry about it again. Her mind wouldn't let her forget what
happened though. Most of all, it wouldn't let her forget the feeling;
of wanting and desiring his lips on hers.
She
had no idea what to do. What she wanted was for the beautiful scene
before her, the warm, gentle sunrise to wipe her mind clear. She wanted
to think of nothing, worry about nothing if just for an instant. Unfortunately,
that was just another thing to add to her list of things that were impossible.
Again,
she watched the ground as she played in the sand with her feet. She'd
dig her feet deep into the depths of the sand and then raise them slowly,
watching as the sand rippled and then rolled like water off her rising
feet. It was a simple movement, but it had her in a daze. Her eyes looked
cloudy as she watched, with no thought in particular on her mind this
time. Then it happened. Her eyes gradually filled with the long awaited
tears. They welled up, looking to overflow at any moment, but she refused
to blink and let the water works start. There was one tear, however,
that betrayed her. It escaped and rolled down her face slowly, being
sure to release some of its wetness on the way down her reddened cheek.
She raised her hand and caught the tear on a finger. She looked at it,
her hatred for its treacherous betrayal obvious.
Her
watery eyes gazed upon it for another moment before allowing all the
tears their freedom. She cried freely now, happy that she had finally
given in. She had been holding those tears back for weeks, ever since
the dreams had started. Now, everything was neither better nor worse,
but she could cry.
By
the time her cries had simmered down, the water was now reaching her
feet as the waves rolled in. She looked out at the rising sun and allowed
the cool morning breeze to dry the many tears she had shed. She closed
her eyes, feeling the heat of the sun radiate through her body. She
leaned forward, craving the touch of the warmth. Then she heard something.
She wasn't sure if she had imagined it or not, seeing as it would be
hard for anything to penetrate through the existing sound of the wind
whipping past her ears. But against great objection, she opened her
eyes. Walking closer with every passing second was Justin, the star
of her reoccurring dream.
For
a brief, yet encouraging moment her insides had contracted and she felt
a strong desire to have Justin by her side. She wanted him to put his
arms around her whimpering body, to comfort her, to be there for her
now that things in her life had become too overwhelming. But unfortunately,
that moment was in fact brief. She became aware of what having him around
her right then would mean. He had no doubt seen the tear stains upon
her cheeks so he was bound to ask why she was so glum. She just couldn't
talk to him about it, not now. She supposed, like many in this situation
would, that she was just experiencing a moment of doubt, a concise episode
of indecision that would soon pass.
Still,
no matter whether she wanted his presence there or not, he was there.
"Hey Mel, what'd you doing up so early?"
"I
could ask you the same question you know." She had turned her gaze back
upon the sun that was rising above the water ever so slowly. She couldn't
quite bear to look him in the eyes after everything she had been thinking.
It had been that way ever since the dreams had started. For some reason
she felt she'd relive some freaky sci-fi thriller by looking him in
the eyes and having him read her, know every one of her previous thoughts.
Besides that, just maybe he wouldn't notice that she had been crying.
She figured that he'd be distracted by the sunrise as well if that were
what she was focused on.
Justin
continued to watch the daybreak as he sat down beside her. Just as he
sat down, the wooden bench wavered and began to lean in Justin's direction,
as though it were about to collapse. Justin jumped up as fast as he
could, a stunned expression rising fiercely on his features. Melanie
stayed glued to her seat, grasping the sides of the bench in order to
steady it. Once Justin had pushed off the bench and relieved it of the
weight of his body, it steadied itself.
Melanie
still contained her clutch on the wood. She looked up slowly, a look
of surprise lit on her face. She watched Justin as he started laughing,
not able to stop. She, herself, felt a twinge of laughter eat at her
stomach, dying to be set free. She managed a slight giggle, but nothing
outrageous that could possibly help in her healing process for the moment.
"Let's
try this again." A smile still remained on his lips as he sat down carefully,
trying to settle his weight down slowly. This time the bench didn't
wiggle or lean; his efforts were triumphant. His smile gradually diminished
as he looked at Melanie who was sitting on his left. He looked at her
expression and knew something was wrong. Anyone should be able to get
a laugh out of watching Justin almost make a bench collapse. He examined
her face and saw what she had been trying so hard to hide from him.
For the first time, he had noticed her blotchy skin and reddened eyes.
He didn't know what was wrong, but he knew something was up.
He
leaned back on the bench, trying not to make a big deal out of it since
she had obviously wanted to keep the fact that she had been crying hid
from him. "Mel, how're you doing?" He rested his arm lazily on the back
of the bench, watching her for any sign of further tears.
Melanie
took in a deep breath at the sign of concern in Justin's voice. He had
definitely noticed her state of distress. She let out a long sigh and
then looked him in the eyes, for once wanting him to read her mind and
acknowledge what was wrong so she wouldn't have to explain. Her spirits
dropped when no look of recognition came to his face. She knew he wasn't
able to read her mind like she wished. She looked down at her hands,
a new feeling of hopelessness feeling her heart. "Why do you have to
be so perfect?"
This
brought out a small chuckle from Justin's lips. He didn't know what
was going on but he knew that he was far from perfect. He sighed heavily
and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. "Come on Mel,
no one's perfect. You should know that." He sighed once again. "Will
you tell me what's wrong? I don't like seeing you like this. And I should
know more than anyone that it only gets worse if you leave things simmering
inside. You have to get it out in the open."
He
watched his hands as he rubbed them back and forth together. "Why don't
you just tell me what's going on? There can't possibly be anything wrong
in your life. You've got everything that you could ever dream of having."
He managed to send a smile her way. "You're doing the one that has ever
made you happy, and might I add you're wonderful at it. I mean, we could
never find someone more special than you to keep our hair looking great
for our fans every time." A grin flashed on his face when he knew what
she was going to say to that.
"Every
time but once I must add. I swear, if you ever buzz your hair like that
again I'll have to kill you. All those little girls were blaming ME
for butchering your beautiful curls when all along it was someone else
conducting the heinous crime on your head." She pointed her finger at
him a-matter-a-factly. She never would be able to forgive him for going
behind her back and doing that, only to surprise her with it.
Justin
tried desperately to hold back his laughter so he could go on with his
little spill. "And you've also got the love of five guys. Who could
say that? You're living the perfect life here. I can't imagine what
would have you so…"
"That's
right, you can't imagine what would have me so upset because you don't
know anything. You don't know anything about me. From where you're sitting,
it might seem like I'm living the perfect life, but to me it isn't.
You don't know everything. In fact, you don't anything about me." She
looked in the opposite direction, unable to watch Justin's face. He
had looked hurt by her words. She had interrupted him and went on a
spill about how he didn't know her at all. That was saying something
if she thought he didn't know anything about a friend he had had for
some time now.
"What
don't I know? I can only see the Melanie that you let me see. What are
you hiding that you don't want me… I mean us to know about?" Justin
looked more concerned than ever now.
She
drew in a long breath of air and sighed heavily while she watched a
group of seagulls land on the beach in front of them. "Justin, you don't
know how screwed up my life has been. It's hard for me to think that
I'm living the perfect life when everything I feel inside feels out
of place." She glanced over at him, but wasn't able to hold eye contact.
His baby blue reflected too much pain and concern now. "I've been afraid
of so many things in my life time, the usual things that everyone is
afraid of, snakes, sharks, heights, but now I'm afraid of something
that most people are able to embrace and cherish. Not me, I don't even
think I can believe in it anymore."
She
looked to be thinking about what she had just said so Justin took the
opportunity to find out exactly what she was talking about. "What is
it that you're afraid of, Mel? I can't help if you don't explain it
to me."
She
looked over at him with an expression of further hopelessness. She looked
at his crystal eyes and could tell that he truly wanted to help. "I'm
afraid of love, Justin. You can't help; no one can, but especially not
you." She watched the waves as they washed up on the beach and then
flowed right back out into the ocean. She felt numb, like nothing could
bother her now. "I never told you about this; I never talked to anyone
about this."
Justin
looked confused again. "About what? Your fear of love?"
She
shook her head slightly. "No, about the reason why I can't love anymore.
It's close to a year ago now, when I first started really working toward
having a career as a celebrity hairstylist. I had always thought it
would be an awesome job, getting to work with the celebrities, but I
never really worked toward it. Once I did decide that that's what I
wanted to do, I found a job with N'Sync. I was thrilled to work with
you. It was something I had always wanted." She looked down at her feet,
smashing them into the sand again.
"That
was all after Michael. We had been dating for nearly two years. I was
sure that it was him that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
I was so in love. That's all because he pulled the biggest scheme of
all; fooling me into thinking he was this perfect guy that thought I
was perfect for him. I was so blind. All along, making me think he was
so wonderful, he was always cheating on me with other women. I started
to have my suspicions about it when he was constantly making excuses
about being late or missing dates all together." A single tear rolled
down her cheek. She looked up at the sky and tried to keep the tears
from escaping again.
"You
know how I finally found out?" She looked at Justin, tears welling up
in her eyes. She watched him, but he made no signal of either desiring
or declining knowing. "One night when he left my apartment I decided
to go check on Carrie, my best friend that I had known most of my life.
Once I got over to her apartment, I didn't even notice Michael's car
outside." The tears rolled down her cheeks freely now. She began hiccupping
after trying to take in gaps of air. "I guess you can-hic-imagine what
it was that I found when I walked into her apartment. -hic-One friend
that I had known all of my life and trusted-hic-more than any other
person on this-hic-earth, betrayed me. And the first-hic-person I had
ever loved turned out to be a scheming-hic-bastard who had never loved
me, or anyone else for that-hic-matter." That was all she could manage
to get out. She buried her face in her hands and cried, trying desperately
to rid herself of the horrible memories.
Justin
put his arms around her when he saw her defeated state. He wanted nothing
more than to make all her hurt disappear. "Mel, there's something you
have to understand though. That guy will never be able to commit to
loving someone. You, you showed that you're able to. You're not the
one that is destined to never love, he is. You are one of the most caring
souls I know. You're more than capable of loving someone. You've just
made yourself believe that you can't."
Melanie
looked up. Her eyes had stopped making tears, but the old ones still
remained on her cheeks. "I just don't know anymore. After all that happened,
I was afraid even to have a female friend. I was afraid that if I ever
fell in love again, she would take him from me again. You guys were
the first friends I'd had since it happened. You took me under your
wing and treated me like I was numbered among the most important people
in your lives. I guess I only figured that no harm could come since
you were male. But I was wrong."
Justin
sat back, no longer holding Melanie in any way. He was confused about
a lot of things and it seemed like she was ready to answer some questions.
"What do you mean you were wrong?"
Melanie
leaned back on the bench and gave Justin the eye contact he was searching
for. "You know, for a smart person you really are stupid." Justin smiled,
yet still didn't have a clue what she had been talking about it. "Isn't
it obvious Justin? The real thing that has been bothering me for weeks,
that had me out taking a walk and crying this morning was you." Justin's
eyes reflected the pain he was now feeling. He looked away, unable to
look upon Melanie any longer.
She
noticed that he wasn't taking that in the way she meant it. She grabbed
his chin and turned him to look at her again. Eye contact was the key
to making him understand. "That's not what I meant. What I meant was
that for the last three weeks I've been having some dreams, some rather
realistic dreams."
Justin
looked baffled. "What does that have to do with me?" Then it dawned
on him. "I was the one in your dreams? In your realistic dreams?" His
eyes streaked across the sky, pulling into the depths of his mind to
find out what all that meant. "What do you mean by realistic? They seemed
so real that you thought they were?"
Melanie
shook her head slowly, definitely not wanting to admit to him what she
had been dreaming about. "Not quite. Think more along the lines of something
that had already happened." She watched him, hoping he would figure
it out even with her being this vague.
He
did happen to figure it out. She could tell because his cheeks when
slightly pink when the recognition hit. "You mean the… the time when
we… when I…" He stopped when she shook her head up and down. "I don't
understand. That was like seven or so months ago."
Melanie
looked back down at her feet. She still wasn't quite sure what it all
meant. "It was actually six… months ago that is." A tear rolled down
her cheek. "The first time I had it I woke up after our argument." She
wiped a few tears away that had fallen down her cheek. "Every time after
that I woke up a little sooner. Now I don't even see the actual kiss.
I've had that dream every night for the past three weeks, sometimes
even two or three times in one night." A few more tears fell down her
cheek.
"What…
why… I don't understand any of this. Why are you having dreams about
that… that night?" Justin seemed slightly embarrassed by the situation.
He was having trouble even talking about it.
She
shook her head again, except more violently. "I don't know what is happening
to me. That's why I went for a walk this morning after I woke up from
it again. I wanted to clear my head and figure things out." She wiped
her tears away, making her face dry again.
Justin
leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs again. He shook his head
and then looked over at Melanie who was staring out at the massive water.
"Have you come to any conclusions yet? I mean, I'm really wondering
myself."
Answering
that question was rather difficult. She wasn't sure if she could take
the chance of answering it. It was a big risk either way. She looked
down at her hands and then back up at the sky when her decision was
made. She took a deep breath and willed herself to believe. "I could
be in love with you."
After
that, she was gone. She took a momentary glance at Justin and then let
the cries seize her. She put her face in her hands and refused to remove
her hands. She had taken the biggest leap of faith and felt like everything
had turned out horribly. Then, she felt Justin's hand rub up and down
her back. The motion felt soothing and made her feel more normal and
comfortable than she had in weeks. When she felt his hands pick up her
face she knew that she was stupid to think that Justin would ever shun
her for her feelings. She wrapped her arms around his neck and snubbed
the idea of ever letting go.
Justin
felt a tear of his own streamed down his cheek as he hugged her to him.
This had been something he had wanted for some time. He had wanted her
to need him, to want him and to love him. "It's ok. Please don't cry
Mel. I'm just as scared about this as you are but I'll never deny loving
you." He felt her cries increase upon his shoulder. He ran his fingers
over her long dark brown hair, trying to soothe her in any way possible.
He knew this was all she needed, reassurance. That she had plenty of
because he would never hurt her; never stop loving her. While she had
been finding the way toward believing in love again, he knew for certain
that he not only could be in love, but was in love.
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