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all
in one deal. Things in my life had always gone the right way-my way, to be exact. The silver platter served in front of me with the successful and also still very much in love parents who showered me with their love, the bestfriend who understood and listened to what I now consider measly problems, the intelligence that claims my success, and my husband-my everything.
I led the perfect life, well, what I considered was a perfect life. Nothing fancy, just enough to make me happy. I was never into anything for the money. My interest in becoming a doctor was always a sort of unselfish act; I wanted to make a difference in the world and this was my little way of doing it.
I don't know if I deserved all the blessings I had received but I gladly and graciously welcomed them all. And now, I think I'm claiming the sadness that life brings to everyone-an all-in-one deal, I guess.
"I haven't been exactly faithful to you."
How can these seven words, not including the ones leading up to it, just appear out of nowhere and into the mouth of my husband? The husband I love with all my heart and being. He was my everything. Hearing him say this, it was something; a feeling too hard to describe. My initial reaction wasn't exactly voiced...the expression, that hung around my face right after I heard the death sentence, said it all.
With my mouth slightly open from the shock and my eyebrows furrowed together with a questioningly look to them, the feeling of hurt showed. He stared at me to probably get a response but I thought what else was there left to say? I quickly recalled my previews actions that day and remembered one pretty important thing. Remembering this, I instinctively put my hand near my stomach... He was going to be a father.
How to tell him that now, in such a moment of crisis, was the question that lingered in my mind. There were several ways, one of which included many words of hatred I dared not to say. Another was simply whipping out the cake I had previously made him with the words "You're a dad!" creatively written on top of it.
I picked the obvious choice.
Stepping off the stool I had been sitting in while he stared at me, I carefully opened the refrigerator door and boldly presented to him the seemingly edible looking cake. I looked at him, then looked at the cake, clearly wanting him to read the words written on it. Placing it down on the table, I wanted to look up at him and see the expression he had on his face but I couldn't. I knew I'd succumb to those blue eyes of his...and knowing myself, I knew I would always hate myself if I stayed.
With a whispery voice, I managed to say "Congratulations, JC. We finally got what we have always wanted." I'm still not sure if I seemed to be sadistic by saying this but I was being truthful. I knew how badly he felt after I said that, however that's life for you. It can be a bitch sometimes.
With a voice begging for forgiveness, he said, "Caitlin..." as he gently placed on hand on top of mind and the other on my cheek. I simply turned away. There was nothing more for me there.
Now here I am. I never regretted leaving him, it was the right choice. People would come up to me and ask me if I forgave him, I can gladly say that I did. Life is all about forgiving then moving on. As for our baby, I managed to bring him up in a decent home with everything he needed. Well, that is except for his father... But I'm not cruel enough to separate them from each other. Every weekend, Jc would come over and spend time with him...and once in a while, all three of us would be together.
I remember the day we shared our vows, the day we became one. And to this point, the words he sang to me, the words he promised me, they're true...
When winter comes in summer
When there's no more forever
That's when I'll stop loving you
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