Luv Is a A Lie

A Tragic Romance by LadyOrangade, our beloved Almc Laurax Lamb

And now, for our feature presentation.
(*Camera goes over papers, Star Wars style. Narrator narrates.*)
This film has been rated PG-13 for references to a guy being run over by a car, references to alcohol, alcohol, references to sex, potty humor, potties, making fun of Gollum, Gollum, and the word �mooning.�
Disclaimer: This is not to offend any of our teachers. We just thought some of them had funny names.


Not so long ago, a man and a woman fell in love.

Kind of.

He was a social studies teacher; she was a science teacher. One day, he proposed to her in

Well, that would ruin the whole first scene, wouldn�t it?



Luv Is A Lie, a Dead Chili production.
A tragic romance, based on this picture.
(*Camera goes over picture.*)
Now, let�s meet our characters.
(*Camera goes over everyone as they are announced. They are in a row, looking serious, and holding up a paper with their name and a number on it.*)
Ms. Lisa Greco, a normal, innocent science teacher. (*Sign: Lisa Greco. 0123456.*)
Mr. Robert Neblung, a deluded, guilty, social studies teacher. (*Sign: Robert �Niblin�� Neblung. 6543210.*)
Jeffrey Roem, another science teacher who has a crush on Ms. Greco. (*Sign: Jeffrey �Giraffe� Roem. 9876543.*)
David Grammerstorf, the guidance counselor who got run over by Deggy�s Corvette. (*Sign: David Grammerstorf. 0000000.*)
Paulette Degenaars, a Language Arts � or English, if you go to a normal school � teacher who is in jail right now for running over Grammerstorf. On purpose. (*Sign: Paulette �Deggy� Degenaars. 3456789.*)
Gloria Rouse, Ms. Greco�s mom, a Language Arts teacher who is a pain in the ass and is in jail for mooning her students. (*Sign: Gloria �No Glory� Rouse. 3973893.*)
Micheline Benson, a weird social studies teacher who is in jail for niblin� on Niblin�s face. (*Sign: Micheline Benson. 7654398.)
Principal slash Reverend Alfred Baffa, the school principal and reverend. (Sign: Alfred Baffa. 1111111.*)
Jodie, Mr. Baffa�s secretary and bodyguard. She�ll tell you why. (Sign: Jodie Smith. 5723780.*)
Judith, Mr. Baffa�s coffee-addicted secretary. (*Sign: Judith Susman. 8989!!!*) And the unimportant jailer. (*Camera goes across jailer*)
Also, the judge, who wasn�t supposed to be in this, but Ms. Greco sued. (*Camera goes over judge.*)
Other disclaimer: This is a low-budget film. In fact, this is a no-budget film.

Scene One: The Bathroom
(*Classical music plays in the background.*)
(*Greco is using the stall. She flushes. The camera is on the stall door. Heavy footsteps are heard. The camera moves to the bathroom door. The camera moves back to Greco and the sound of the flushing. The camera moves to Neblung walking in.*)
Neblung: Lisa? Are you there?
Greco: Niblin�, is that you?
Neblung: Will you marry me?
Greco: What!?
Neblung: I said, �Will you marry me?�
(*Greco comes out of the stall with tears in her eyes.*)
Greco: Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Neblung: Great!
Greco: Oh, I knew this day would come. I love you more than anything!
(*She starts to pull down her coat zipper*)
Neblung: Uh� leg�s save that for our honeymoon.
Greco: I know, I was just getting hot in this thing.

Scene 2: The Jail
Greco: Can I see my friends and my mother?
Jailer: Who are they?
Greco: Micheline-
Jailer: Say no more.
(*Greco starts walking down hall. Camera shows Deggy falling down stairs.*)
Deggy: Bob� bring me another.
(*Slow rap music starts. Rouse and Benson dance. Greco enters jail cell. Music abruptly stops and everyone sits in a row.*)
Deggy: That you, Grec Grec?
Greco: Oh, hi, Paulette. How�ve you been?
Deggy: Drunk.
Benson: She�s always drunk.
Greco: How can she be when they don�t allow alcohol in jail. Wait � what�s that?
(*Greco looks at Deggy holding a beer bottle*)
Rouse: Well, actually, it�s just Coke in a beer bottle, but it makes her drunk anyway.
Greco: Well, anyway, I wanted to invite the three of you gals to my wedding.
Benson: Goody! I love weddings! Who you marrying?
Greco: Niblin�.
Rouse: Who�s that?
Deggy: She�s talking about Robert, you old hag!
Rouse: At least I don�t wear a wig!
(*Deggy and Benson gasp*)
Deggy: Well, at least the students like me better!
Rouse: They do not!
Deggy: Do too!
Rouse: Wiggy!
Deggy: Stop it!
Rouse: Wiggy! Wiggy! Wiggy!
(*Deggy stands up and hides in the corner*): Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Benson: Shut up, the two of you! Don�t make me give you two a check on your report card!
(*Deggy and Rouse gasp; the beginning of Beethoven�s 5th Symphony plays*) Greco: So, are you guys coming?
Benson: We�d love to. But in case you haven�t noticed, WE�RE IN JAIL!
Greco: So, ask the officers if they can bring you to the wedding. It�s on Friday. Don�t forget.
Benson: Okay, we�ll be there!

Scene Three: Greco�s Home
(It is nighttime and Greco is upstairs getting ready for bed, when she hears a voice coming from outside. She walks onto her patio.)
Neblung: Lisa! Lisa! Where art thou Lisa?
Greco: Hey, sweetie! Do you wanna come up?
Neblung: Sure.
(*He climbs up a tree and jumps onto the patio.*)
Greco: Well��there�s that way, too, I guess.
Neblung: Hey, I was just thinking. Maybe we don�t have to wait until our honeymoon to do��well, you know.
Greco: What are you saying?
Neblung: Are you ready right now?
Greco: I guess, if you are.
Neblung: Then let�s do it!
Greco: Okay.
(*Neblung reaches over and kisses her quickly.*)
Neblung: Okay, we�re done.
Greco: What do you mean, we�re done? Done with what?
Neblung: Done with sex.
Greco: But we didn�t even start yet.
Neblung: We didn�t? You mean, there�s more to sex than just kissing?
(*Greco sighs.*)

Scene four: The school
(*Greco is walking to Mr. Roem�s room during period 6/7. Mr. Roem, though, is still teaching a class. He can be heard through the door. The camera shows Greco walking down the hall than pressing her ear against the door as Roem talks.*)
Roem: Today, class, we will be learning about cavemen that live in volcanoes, more accurately called volcano-men. Their volcano-paintings were some of the earliest example of human art. The cavemen painted on the inside of volcanoes with lava. However, we do not know what these paintings look like, as none of them survived the Big Bang. How do we know that these volcano-paintings existed? To be perfectly honest with you, we don�t.
(*Greco shrugs and opens the door.*)
Greco: Sorry to interrupt, Jeffrey, but can I just see you for a few minutes out in the hall?
Roem: Absolutely. (To class) This�ll only take a few minutes, class. When I return, we�ll continue with our discussion about cavemen who live in volcanoes. (*They walk out in the hall.*)
Roem: What can I do for you, my sweet Lisa?
Greco: Can you come to my wedding?
Roem: That depends. Am I the groom?
Greco: No, Niblin� is.
(*Roem growls*)
Roem: My arched enemy! But I thought you liked me.
Greco: I do like you. But Niblin� proposed to me in the bathroom.
Roem: But what about all those times we dated in high school?
Greco: FYI, we only dated once, and that was just puppy love. Now this is true romance.
Roem: I don�t know if I wanna. It�ll make me depressed.
Greco: Listen, either you come (her voice turns into an evil mans) or die! (*Roem screams like a girl.*)

Scene five: The hospital
(*Greco goes into the hospital to see Grammerstorf. She walks down the hall and sees a nurse struggling to walk in high heels. The nurse takes the shoes off.*)
Nurse: Oh, screw the shoes.
Greco: What are you doing?
Nurse: I�m screwing my shoes.
(*Greco stares at her.*)
Greco: Uh� right�
(*Greco walks into a room and up to Mr. Grammerstorf�s bed.*)
Greco: Hey Mr. G! How ya feeling?
Grammerstorf: Better, but still weak.
Greco: Oh, �cause I wanted to invite you to my wedding.
Grammerstorf: When is it?
Greco: This Friday.
Grammerstorf I�ll have to see what the doctors say. Is Deggy gonna be there?
Greco: I think so.
(*Grammerstorf screams like a girl.*)
Grammerstorf: Are you mad? That woman�s out to kill me, I tell you. Kill me! If it weren�t for her, I wouldn�t be here right now!
Greco: Now look, I�m sure she didn�t mean to run over you.
Grammerstorf: Tell that to her!
Greco: Look, I was gonna ask you another favor too. Do you think you can be the one to let me go?
Grammerstorf: Me? You want met to let you go?
Greco: Yeah. Since I don�t have a father, I thought you could be the one to do it since you�re pretty close.
Grammerstorf: Well, in that case, of course I�ll come!
Greco: Great!
Grammerstorf: Just curious, what happened to your father?
Greco: I don�t know. Whenever I ask my mom, she just mumbles and walks away. I think she killed him.

Scene Six: Principals Office
(*Greco walks to the door of the very messy principal�s office. Jodie is standing there, looking dazed but happy.*)
Greco: Um, hi, you�re Principal Slash Reverend Baffa�s secretary, right?
Jodie: Actually, I�m his secretary and bodyguard. I think he either has security issues or he doesn�t want the student body to know he plays Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
Greco: Um, okay, can I see him?
Jodie: One moment.
(*Jodie walks into the room. Mr. Baffa is playing a video game. Judith is jumping up and down.*)
Jodie: Miss Susman. Have you been having caffeine again?
Judith: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
(*She falls over and grins.*)
Judith: Yessss.
(*Jodie half pushes, half carries her out the door.*)
Judith: Principal Slash Reverend Baffa?
Baffa: Yeah! I just killed 300 people in 4 seconds! And they were all cops! And do you know what I�m going to do with the bodies?
Judith: No, but I�m hoping it doesn�t involve the Hudson River this time. Anyway, a teacher�s here to see you.
Baffa: Oh! Why didn�t you say so? Keep her busy.
(*Judith walks out.*)
Judith: Hi.
Greco: Hi. Can I come in now?
Judith: Wanna hear about my puppy?
Greco: No, not really. Can I come in now?
Judith: Oh, he is the most adorable thing. He�s fuzzy, and white, and fuzzy, and white, and �
Greco: I don�t want to hear about your puppy.
(*She tries to push past Judith and walk in. Judith blocks her.*)
Judith: Oh! I�m allergic to puppies. That�s why I don�t have one. But I do have one! But I�m allergic! See? Achoo, achoo!
(*She looks into the office.*)
Judith: You can go in now.
(*Greco walks in. The office is neat and clean and Mr. Baffa is sitting on his couch.*)
Greco: Hi Principal Slash Reverend Baffa. How are you?
Baffa: Fine as a Principal Slash Reverend should be. What can I do for you?
Greco: Can you marry me and Niblin�?
Baffa: Of course! I love to marry people.
Greco: That�s super duper funnerific!
Baffa: Don�t say that. It sounds weird.
Greco: You know what�s weird? I still didn�t get a ring from Niblin�.
Baffa: That�s another thing about you, my dear. You�re too impatient. Relax, the ring will come soon.
Greco: But technically we�re not engaged until I get an engagement ring.

Scene 7: The Bathroom
Greco: Hey, Nib. I got your note. Was there something you wanted to tell me?
(*He kneels down.*)
Neblung: I didn�t really do this appropriately so here it goes. Will you marry me?
(*He holds out a ring.*)
Greco: Oh, Niblin�! I thought you�d never ask! Gosh, it looks so expensive! Where did you get it? Macy�s? Diamond Express?
Neblung: Mordor.
Greco: Oh, is it new?
Neblung: Not really. I had to battle Sme�gol for it, though.
Greco: Oh���interesting.
(*Neblung reaches to put the ring on her, but instead drops it in the toilet.*)
Neblung: No! What have I done? That ring is gone and I don�t have money to buy a real one!
(*Neblung starts crying like a girl.*)
Greco: Cheer up, sweetie. After all, it�s just a ring. Besides, I can always lend you some money to buy a ring.
Neblung: I know, but�
(*Gollum crawls out of the toilet with the ring.*)
Gollum: Ha! Ha! My precious has returned!
Neblung: Get him!
(*Gollum runs out in the hall and Neblung runs after him.*)

Scene Eight: The Basement
(*It is the night before the wedding and everyone has come to the reception.*)
Greco: Hello, everyone! Thanks for coming!
Neblung: Where�s my gifts?
Greco: What gifts?
Neblung: Aren�t you people supposed to bring us gifts?
Deggy: Well�...um.
Greco: It�s okay, Niblin�. I�ll give you a Halls cough drop so you won�t feel left out.
(*Neblung starts crying like a girl.*)
Greco: Hey! Where are the gifts, anyway?
Benson: Well��um.
(*Greco starts crying like a boy.*)
Rouse: Don�t worry, baby, Mom got you a gift.
(*She hands Greco a present. Greco opens it.*)
Greco: It�s a��.grey sweater?
Rouse: Yup. And it�s made from my nose hairs.
(*Greco throws it down.*)
Rouse: What do I look like? Bill Gates?
Baffa: As the reverend, I insist that you all bring gifts tomorrow at the wedding. (evil villain voice) Or die!

Scene 9: The Wedding
(*Everyone is at the wedding wearing black, except Deggy, Rouse, and Benson, who are being escorted by police officers and wearing orange suits. Grammerstorf is in a wheelchair.*)
Benson: Perfect day for a wedding, huh?
Roem: I guess. But she should�ve married me!
Deggy: Ah, put a sock in it, Roe Roe!
Roem: At least I don�t wear a wig!
Deggy: AAAhhh!
Roem: Wiggy!
Deggy: Stop it!
Roem: Wiggy!
Deggy: Stop it!
Roem: Wiggy wiggy wiggy!
Deggy: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
(*Benson sighs.*)
Baffa: May I have your attention, please? You may take your seats. The ceremony is about to begin.
(�Here Comes The Bride� plays. A flower girl walks down the aisle.*)
Deggy (whispering to Benson): I can�t wait to see Grec Grec! I heard she went to a really nice salon!
Benson: Yeah, I know!
(*The music gets louder, and everyone looks back to see the bride. Greco starts to walk down in a green Powerpuff Girl costume and black nail polish. She has to kneel down because Grammerstorf is in a wheelchair.*)
Rouse: Lisa Rouse Greco! How dare you! You�re grounded when we get home!
Greco: Mom, first of all, I�m about to become Lisa Neblung. Second, I can wear whatever I want of my wedding! Third, you can�t ground me �cause I don�t live with you. And lastly, can we just get on with the wedding?
Baffa: Okay, before we begin the ceremony, does anyone here besides Mr. Rome have any objections to this marriage?
Rome: Hey!
(*Neblung sticks his tongue out at Roem.*)
Baffa: In that case, let�s begin.
Greco: Oh, goody!
Baffa: Do you, Lisa, take this crazy, guilty, social studies teacher to be your awful wedded husband?
Greco: I do.
Baffa: And do you, Robert, take this lovely, normal innocent lady-who�s-about-to-ruin-her-life-by-marrying-an-idiot lady to be your awful wedded wife?
Neblung: I do.
Baffa: You may now kiss the bride (evil voice) or die!
(*As they lean forward to kiss, Gollum runs up to them, wearing a tux, and points at Neblung.*)
Gollum: You took my precious! My beloved precious!
Neblung: It�s not my fault! I was hungry!
Greco: You ate the ring?
Neblung: I was hungry! And it looks tasty!
(*Gollum attacks him.*)

Scene Ten: The Honeymoon Suite
Greco: Oh, Nib! I�m so glad we finally got married!
Neblung: Me too! I needed someone to help me pay off my debts!
Greco: And I needed someone to kill my mother for me.
Neblung: Then we�re really meant for each other!
Greco: Yeah, I guess we are.
Neblung: Cool! I�m really sorry I ate your ring.
Greco: It�s okay. After all, it did kind of look like golden cheese.
Neblung: Really? I thought it looked like a big gourmet lobster.
Greco: Oh��okay.
Neblung: Want a beer?
Greco: Sure.
Neblung: How �bout some wine?
Greco: Um�..sure.
Neblung: Champagne?
Greco: Well��
Neblung: Whiskey?
Greco: But�..
Neblung: Rum?
Greco: HOLD IT! What are you trying to do? Get me drunk?
Neblung: Yes.
Greco: Okay.
(*They drink.*)

Scene Eleven: The Courtroom
Judge: Robert Neblung, you stand accused of getting a poor, innocent woman drunk. How do you plea?
Neblung: Beef jerky.
Judge: Uh��that�s not a plea. I need a plea.
Neblung: Uh���standing up.
Judge: For the last time, how do you plea?
Neblung: Ooooo, I thought you said �How do you pee?�
(*Judge sighs.*)
Judge: How do you plea?
Neblung: Candy apples.
Judge: Do you have ADD?
Neblung: Guilty.
Judge: What?
Neblung: That�s how I plea.
Judge: But I asked that question before.
Neblung: Orange-shirt moron.
Judge: You�re scaring me�..A LOT!
Neblung: What can I say? I�m a scary guy.
Judge: Okay, this isn�t going anywhere. Let�s talk to your defendant. Gloria?
Rouse: Okay, here�s how it goes. Robert just probably �accidentally� got her drunk.
Greco: Mother, are you retarded? You can�t accidentally get someone drunk!
Roem: My client has a point, Gloria! You�re so stupid!
Judge: Hold your tongue, fool!
Roem: Hey!
Judge: You were saying, Gloria?
Rouse: Well��.
Sullivan, hanging upside-down from ceiling: Look out below!
(*Laundry falls on the judge�s head.*)
Sullivan: Sorry! I thought this was a Laundromat! The back of your head looked like a washing machine!
(*Judge looks up.*)
Judge: Who are you?
Sullivan: Somebody who wants your car!
Judge: That didn�t make sense! What�s your name?
Sullivan: Standing up!
Neblung: Cool, mine too! You can be my new soul mate!
Greco: I thought I was!
Neblung: Why would I be if you sued me?
(*Judge slams hammer thingy.*)
Judge: Alright, let�s get on with the issue here.
Neblung: Cool! I love tissues! Especially when you have a cold!
Judge: Are you ready to talk seriously now?
Neblung: No. I�m ready to buy a cactus.
Judge: Why?
Neblung: Because cactus is good for itching your ass!
Rouse: Robert, how dare you! That�s not right.
Judge: Finally, someone tells that man his good senses.
Rouse: Tell me about it. Cactus is only good for scratching your pe �
Judge: I don�t want ot know what it does! Let�s just do this thing! Mr. Roem, you may start. Call someone to the stand.
Roem: I call��..Micheline Benson!
(*Benson walks up.*)
Judge: You may start.
Roem: Now, Benson, where were you on the might Bill Clinton became president?
Benson: I dunno, why?
Roem: Because I just have to know.
Benson: I dunno, it was, like, eight years ago.
Sullivan: I dunno either!
Judge: Mr. Roem, what does that have to do with anything?
(*Roem shrugs.*) Judge: Okay, we need a new attorney here.
Greco: I�ll do it.
Judge: But you�re already a client.
Greco: So what? I can still defend myself.
Neblung: No, she can�t! She can�t even defend her own gravy at the dinner table!
Greco: That�s better than what you can defend, you worthless hydra!
(*Everyone gasps.*)
Judge: Ms. Greco, that language is unacceptable in this courtroom.
Sullivan: Yeah! The washing machine is right; you�re a bad lawyer!
Judge: Could someone please get that crazy woman off the roof?
Sullivan: Hey! I�m not crazy; I�m insane!
Neblung: Food.
Judge: What?
Neblung: Food.
Judge: Why are you saying that?
Deggy: I want a polar bear!
Rouse: I want to wrestle my uncle!
Grammerstorf: I want a pet cow!
Judge: All of you, shut up!
Deggy: I want to strangle a cowboy!
Benson: Why do fools fall in love?
Sullivan: How come I never sing?
Greco: I wanna pet amoeba!
Benson: I want a fool who falls in love!
Neblung: Food!
(*Judge screams and runs out of the courtroom.*)

Scene Twelve: Roem�s House
Roem: Ah, this is so much better, isn�t it?
Greco: Of course it is.
Roem: After all, we do teach the same thing.
Greco: Yup. I love amoebas! What�s your favorite part of life science?
Roem: Cavemen.
Greco: But that�s not�..what do cavemen have to do with life science?
Roem: Well, they�re alive!
Greco: Don�t you care about the paramecium and the euglenas?
Roem: What are those? I only care about earth science.
(*Greco looks sad.*)
Greco: I thought you understood. But you�re just like everyone else! That�s it, we�re breaking up!
(*Rome screams like a girl.*)

Scene Thirteen: Neblung�s Home
Greco: Oh, Niblin�! I miss you! At least you understand what an amoeba is!
Neblung: It�s a dog, right?
Greco: Close enough.
Neblung: I love you, Lisa! I hope nothing ever comes between us again!
(*They kiss.*)
Greco: So, what do you wanna do now?
Neblung; Can I have your gravy?
Greco: No way! That�s not working this time!
Neblung: Potatoes?
Greco: No.
Neblung: Peas?
Greco: No.
Neblung: Jerky?
Greco: No.
Neblung: Amoeba?
(*Greco screams.*)
Greco: How dare you take amoeba�s name in vain!
Neblung: I�m sorry. Do you still love me?
Greco: Of course. But I still don�t love you.
Neblung: Cool. Teach me how to really have sex.
(*Greco screams.*)