BACK TO PROJECTS
After I had spent a couple of weeks working hard at my local Volkswagon garage, I realised this experience would make a great script � and my workmates agreed whole-heartedly.
The work itself was tough; it meant my alarm went off before 6am so that I could be at work an hour later. However, my second day was an ultra culture-shock � my day began at 6am that particular day of hard graft, so I was up before 5am! It�s hard work, but I guess someone�s gotta do it. After the cleaner left, myself and my co-valeters soon acquired the daily task of cleaning the showroom, offices and toilets before they opened for business. This was the 7am start, a full hour or more before the rest of the guys began work. However, this did mean we could get the hell outta there after our 8 hour shift if we really wanted to � but I soon discovered I wasn�t going to be that lucky, my main task was the service washing.
Service washing is basically taking a customer�s car, which has just been either given an MOT or a Service (or both), washing it all over with a power washer (and good old bucket of soapy water and a quickly torn sponge), not to mention the fabulous alloy wheel cleaner. This cleaner was the bane of my life � it stunk to high heaven, when diffused into a spray it would whip into the air (when windy), fly up my nose and into my throat, get into my eyes and because the bottles would frequently break, dribble all over my hands. Now this chemical is designed to burn break dust and general dirt from alloy wheels � obviously it burns like mad. If you came around the corner into the washing bay at the right time, you might have seen me stumbling around trying to wipe acidic cleaner out of my eyes or wiping it off my hands onto my jeans � which subsequently became bleached. Oh, and the acid even burnt through the thick denim � even after a heavy duty wash! But anyway, after this I had to drive back around the garage (typically in reverse amidst a myriad of randomly parked cars, engine parts and mechanics around a good couple of blind corners) and vacuum the vehicle quickly, yet thoroughly. And as a nice finishing touch, leaflets were to be placed on the passenger seat before the car was to be placed back in customer parking � front end facing out for customer ease of course.
This was my main task and as this was a Volkswagon garage, I had to tackle a number of vehicles in the company�s collection � mainly from the past 20 or so years, except for the occasional classic Beatle. The Lupo, Polo, Golf, Bora and Passat were typically my subject, in a variety of saloons, hatchbacks and estates. And of course, as this is a farming community, the cars were in various states. Some were meticulously clean (in fact I would make them dirtier when doing my job � we wash then but do not chamois them for a service wash), but some were in dire need of nuclear attack. In one instance, on a very hot August afternoon I might add, I was given the task of attacking a Polo estate. This was a farmer�s car � it smelled really, really bad. There were stacks of eggs sitting in the back seat (in a hot summer day) and finally, to cap it all off, there were caged ducks � yes live ducks � in the rear of the vehicle! As the mechanics had a good time watching me suit up (latex gloves and a face mask), the ducks began to quack � rather loudly.
I also encountered the new Toureg (a 4X4 monstrosity � the first automatic I�d ever driven � without knowing it actually, I drove it around the garage with the hand break on � but as there wasn�t a proper hand break, it wasn�t hard to do this!) A variety of vans (small car-sized ones and up to 15ft long council vehicles), haulage vehicles again at least 15ft in length and at one point, a mobile home. I did not dare to drive this monster however, not after a previous event whereby a rather moronic summer worker by the nickname �Nimrod� had dented and scratched a man�s beloved camper van (an impressively well looked after vehicle that had one screeds of nation wide competitions!).
On the valet side of my job, I helped the two guys I worked closely with who had been there for a while now. I was trained in the meticulous art of valeting � entrusted with a show car to personally valet by the end of my first week (a whole day Saturday I might add). The car to be valeted was to be thoroughly washed (engine and door hinges too), then chamois leathered dry before �air-lining� any water hiding in nooks and crannies. Then came time to wax (sometimes two coats), then it was a matter of cleaning all the glass and mirrors, vacuuming, polishing all vinyl dressing, cleaning the upholstery (sometimes involved shampooing), painting the wheel arches, tires and black vinyl back to their former glory and of course adding the company logo to the rear window. Then of course � it had to be expected on occasion and of course, we would have always left some minute smudge behind!
During my time, I was given the royal duty of valeting a brand new, somewhat rare new model Volkswagon � the boy-racer�s dream � the R32. It was to be taken to a regional fair for local businesses (the second of two during my 10 week stint there in fact), and so had to be looking in good shape. Of course, I had to frequently take great care with every vehicle I laid my hands on, especially when going offsite � either with a customer�s car or a company car.
Another task myself and fellow valeters had to take care of was transporting customers to and from their houses should they wish to go home while their car was to be worked on. This meant driving the customer as if you were a chauffeur (not just getting from A to B in your own car, which can get a bit rough around the edges in terms of etiquette obviously). We would have to memorise each route, usually to pick them up later that day � or in one instance a week later for me, so I had to remember a route that stretched all the way into another county. In one instance I ended up helping to tie a canoe onto the roof of the owner�s car! Other driving chores involved me taking company cars to local fairs or shows � where I would usually end up getting roped into setting up the stand, precision driving skills again came in handy.
There were of course other little jobs here and there to do, there was the lot � the entire collection of used cars on sale, these had to be washed two to three times a week with full a chamois. Sometimes a customer would come in simply to have stains removed � a task I handled personally. One time a local resident (a TV chef for a satellite channel) asked me to vanish spilled milk from his leather interior � it was tricky, but I made it look as if it had never happened, which was quite pleasing.
It was a very tough job, I frequently ended up juggling cars to wash � at one point I had three �on the wash� (I was washing them at the same time!) and another three sets of keys in my pocket waiting to get done. I could find myself cleaning show cars one minute only to be sent to get the day�s papers from a local newsagent, or be charged with cleaning the gutters and even cleaning all the cobwebs from the building�s fa�ade (good work for an arachnophobe such as myself!). I was constantly in a state � dripping in sweat, sun burned to within an inch of my life, muscles groaning and aching, red blotches coating my crispy and calloused hands (oh where did those beautiful soft hands go!?)
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, after all of this, I thought it would make a good script � classed as a �British Clerks� by my fair self. I have begun setting out some ideas and structure, but have as yet not started writing it. But I hope to get into it once the academic year 2003/2004 is over � I would really like to see it as a film. The best material comes from real life, and that summer job was certainly filled with many characters (including a David Brent � of The Office fame � style manager) and a lot of work in between the always too short breaks (I�d always be cruelly ripped away from morning television).
Finally, to my shock, an episode of the ITV talk show �Trisha�, in which I was present in the audience, was aired one break time � exposing my first year University student bright red hair to the entire team, much to our amusement. Although a long hard slog, I look back on those 10 weeks fondly � especially my last day � now that was a good day!