Dead Angelica Version 20 *-* You Ripped My Heart Out Of Me, Then You Put It Back
A Baby?! Chapter 4- "Fairy Billy"
Jess isn't in registration. Vainly, I search for her blonde head, but she just isn't here.
Miserably, I trudge off to Chemistry. I need to talk to her. Dammit!
She's not in all day. After school, I go home and then go round to her house.
Her over-effusive mother opens the door.
"Jess's got a bad cold, honey. She was too ill to go to school. Go on up if you wanna see her, but mind you don't catch it! You youngsters!"
I thank her and walk up to Jess's room, noting the photos on the stairs for like the hundredth time. Jess as a smiling, blonde baby; Jess in her mother's arms; Jess with her parents in the park; Jess with her auntie on her thirteenth birthday; and there's one of me, Jess, her parents, and assorted relatives on her seventeenth birthday. Unlike in my family, her parents are still together. Her mom keeps house and her dad is an accountant. Their house is big and always really clean and tidy; not like in ours where we chuck stuff around a bit.
I reach her room and tentatively knock on her door.
"Come in," she calls.
Her face falls as I walk in. Once again I am struck by the neatness of her room.
"Oh. It's you," she says listlessly. A sudden bolt of fright passes across her face. "W-what did you say to my mom?" she asks.
"I didn't tell her about the baby," I assure her.
Her face goes stony. "I was never pregnant," she says. "There was no baby."
Now I'm confused. "You can't deny its existence!" I hiss at her.
She sits up in bed. "We never had a baby. It never existed. The reason I'm not in school is because I have the flu. Nothing happened, Billy. Let's go back to normal life. Forget about it. Please." Why is she being like this? Something that was half her and half me had existed. Why is she trying to forget it? I will never forget. I couldn't. And I didn't even have it inside me.
I flop down on her armchair and begin the speech I made up last night.
"We're... we're too different, Jess. And I know this is a bad time and you need support right now, but... I don't think our relationship is a good idea any more."
"You're dumping me?!" she asks, blue eyes glinting as they open wide.
"Well, uh, yeah, I guess so." God, ny speech of last night was so much better.
"Nuh-uh. No way!" she says. "I have to break up with you."
What?! That was so not the reaction I'd expected. Anger, maybe; even acceptance. But 'I have to break up with you'? No.
"Excuse me? This is a relationship we are talking about. Does it matter who breaks up with who?"
"Do you know what it will do to my reputation if Fairy Billy breaks up with me? I already took a massive dent just going out with you. Why don't you care what people think, Billy? Don't you realise how important it is for people to like you> Do you think anybody would have talked to me ever again if I had your baby? I guess I went out with you 'cos I loved you and your... irregularities, but now... You worry about the stupidest things, Billy, like unborn foetuses which never even existed! It doesn't matter. What matters is getting along in the world."
I sit, frozen in shock, as her mouth spews out all this poison.
"Fairy Billy?" I ask her.
"I put up with so much flak for you, Billy! All the jokes about being the girlfriend of a queer! I must have been mad!"
"Our baby is 'something stupid'?!"
She sighs. "Billy, get over it. Nothing happened, it'll all be okay." She laughs suddenly, shocking in the irate atmosphere. "Anyway, if I tell them I dumped you, they'll believe me."
Jesus. She's still on that?!
"Jessica. You had a baby inside you. You killed it. Don't you realise how that is a tiny bit more important than your reputation?"
"A baby?!" she scoffs. "No, Billy. A ball of cells."
"At three months?! Its heart was beating! It produced brain waves! It responded to touch. It could sleep. It had fingers. Wait, hold that one. It fucking had fingerprints, Jessica! Unique fingerprints! Don't fucking give me that 'ball of cells' crap." I get up, incensed now beyond belief. "You might live in a nicer house than me, with parents who are still together. You might have the 'right' clothes and the 'right' look. You might be ten times smarter than I will ever be. But you know what? I don't care anymore. You killed our baby without even asking me. You killed it on your own 'cos you were so scared someone would find out and ruin your precious reputation. I will never forgive you, and I will never forget our baby. Ever. We are so fucking over!"
And I storm out of her house, thankfully avoiding her mother.
Well, I achieved what I went for- I broke up with her.
But now I have a double loss- not only have I lost something that shared my genetics, but also my girlfriend of a year.
And I can't cope, I can't cope, I don't want to go on anymore.
God, we are so different. All she wants is to be accepted, to fit in. All I want is to be special, to be loved for who I am.
Sitting in my room, I don't allow myself any more tears. I've cried too many already.
Instead, I pick up my beloved guitar- neglected a bit recently, what with all this drama- and begin to play. Some of GC's own songs.
You don't like the way I walk, or the way I talk, or the way I swing my hands...
Fuck you, Jessica. Fuck you and your society-orientated 'morals'.
I can hear the words you say, and I wish that you would shut up...
I know what she's trying to say. But she's wrong. Shut up Jessy; you should have taken the time to listen to me.
I move on, but I can't go on without you, said I try, don't know why, what to do without you, can't move on, can't move on. It'd be cool if we never met, if we never locked eyes, then I'd feel so happy, not knowing you're so fine. I move on, but I can't go on without you...Dammit! Everything comes back to her, and us, and the fucking baby. I wish I'd never met her. I wish... I wish I was fifteen again; young, carefree and happy. I crawl into bed, pull up the covers, and fall asleep almost immediately; my body worn out by all the conflict raging inside me.
All the below songs are by Good Charlotte. I own the copyright for NONE of them.
"You don't like the way I walk, or the way I talk, or the way I swing my hands..." is from East Coast Anthem, you can hear it on the first CD.
"I can hear the words you say, and I wish that you would shut up..." is from Festival Song, you can also hear that one on the first album.
"I move on, but I can't go on without you... etc," is from Can't Go On, which is a demo song.
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