The Argument Clinic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man - Terry Gilliam Mr. Barnard - Graham Chapman Mr. Vibrating - John Cleese Spreaders - Terry Jones Man in Charge - Eric Idle Receptionist - Rita Davies -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A reception desk in a sort of office building. Receptionist Yes, sir? Man I'd like to have an argument please. Receptionist Certainly sir, have you been here before . . .? Man No, this is my first time. Receptionist I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course? Man Well, what would be the cost? Receptionist Yes, it's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds fo a course of ten. Man Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK? Receptionist Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment . . . Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory . . . Yes, try Mr. Barnard - Room 12. Man Thank you. The man walks down a corridor. He opens door 12. There is a man at a desk. Mr Barnard (shouting) What do you want? Man Wel I was told outside . . . Mr Barnard Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Man What! Mr Barnard Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee- nosed malodorous pervert!! Man Look! I came here for an argument. Mr Barnard (calmly) Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse. Man Oh I see, that explains it. Mr Barnard No, you want room 12A next door. Man I see - sorry. (exits) Mr Barnard Not at all. (as he goes) Stupid git. Outside 12A. The man knocks on the door. Mr Vibrating (from within) Come in. The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk. Man Is this the right room for an argument? Mr Vibrating I've told you once. Man When? Mr Vibrating Just now! Man No you didn't. Mr Vibrating Yes I did! Man Didn't Mr Vibrating Did. Man Didn't. Mr Vibrating I'm telling you I did! Man You did not! Mr Vibrating I'm sorry, is this a five-minute argument, or the full half-hour? Man Oh . . . Just a five-minute one. Mr Vibrating Fine (makes a note of it; the man sits down) thank you. Anyway I did. Man You most certainly did not. Mr Vibrating Now, let's get one thing quite clear. I most definitely told you! Man You did not. Mr Vibrating Yes I did. Man You did not Mr Vibrating Yes I did. Man Didn't. Mr Vibrating Yes I did. Man Didn't. Mr Vibrating Yes I did!! Man Look this isn't an argument. Mr Vibrating Yes it is. Man No it isn't, it's just contradiction. Mr Vibrating No it isn't. Man Yes it is. Mr Vibrating It is not. Man It is. You just contradicted me. Mr Vibrating No I didn't Man No I didn't. Mr Vibrating Ooh, you did! Mr Vibrating No, no, no, no, no. Man You did, just then. Mr Vibrating No, nonsense! Man Oh, look this is futile. Mr Vibrating No it isn't. Man I came here for a good argument. Mr Vibrating No you didn't, you came here for an argument. Man Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction. Mr Vibrating It can be. Man No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition. Mr Vibrating No it isn't. Man Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction. Mr Vibrating Look, if I argue with you I must take up a contrary position. Man But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't'. Mr Vibrating Yes it is. Man No it isn't, argument is an intellectual process . . . contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. Mr Vibrating No it isn't. Man Yes it is. Mr Vibrating Not at all. Man Now look! Mr Vibrating (pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning. Man What? Mr Vibrating That's it. Good morning. Man But I was just getting interested. Mr Vibrating Sorry the five minutes is up. Man That was never five minutes just now! Mr Vibrating I'm afraid it was. Man No it wasn't. Mr Vibrating I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore. Man What!? Mr Vibrating If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes. Man But that was never five minutes just now . . . oh come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is rediculous. Mr Vibrating I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. Man Oh. All right. (pays) There you are. Mr Vibrating Thank you. Man Well? Mr Vibrating Well what? Man That was never five minutes just now. Mr Vibrating I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. Man I've just paid. Mr Vibrating No you didn't. Man I did! I did! I did! Mr Vibrating No you didn't. Man Look I don't want to argue about that. Mr Vibrating Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay. Man Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing . . . got you! Mr Vibrating No you haven't. Man Yes I have . . . if you're arguing I must have paid. Mr Vibrating Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. Man I'v had enough of this. Mr Vibrating No you haven't. Man Oh shut up! (he leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes in) I want to complain. Man in Charge You want to complain . . . look at these shoes . . . I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through. Man No, I want to complain about . . . Man in Charge If you complain nothing happens . . . you might just as well not bother. My back hurts . . . (the man exits, walks down the coridor and enters a room) Man I want to complain. ('Spreaders' who is just inside door hits man on the head with a mallet) Ooh! Spreaders No, no, no, hold your head like this, and then go 'waaagh'! Try it again. (he hits him again) Man Waaghh! Spreaders Better. Better. But 'waaaaagh'! 'Waaaagh'! Hold your hands here . . . Man No! Spreaders Now. (hits him) Man Waagh! Spreaders That's it. That's it. Good. Man Stop hitting me. Spreaders Stop hitting you? Man Yes Spreaders What did you come in here for then? Man I came here to complain. Spreaders Oh I'm sorry, that's next door. It's being hit on the head lessons in here. Man What a stupid concept. -End- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------