This song fic is (gasp-shock) actually not Yaoi. It's more of an introspective songfic written in third person mostly from Paine's pov.
Looking through some photographs I found
Inside a drawer
I was taken by a photograph of you
Paine knelt by the small nightstand beside her bed on the celsius, glancing around to make sure that no one was around. Of course Yuna was off in Besaid village having just reunited with Tidus, and Rikku had followed along to join in the fun. Paine had stayed aboard the ship though, feeling out of place amid a village of people who were mostly strangers to her. There were only three people she'd really felt at home with in an akward way, despite the fact that their friendship was formed in the most odd manner. Sure that she was alone she opened the nightstand drawer and reached inside, extracting one sphere from among a small collection of spheres she had hidden away in the drawer. Activating it her expression softened slightly as the familiar captured image appeared in front of her, a still image of the three who she'd been closest with. It brought back memories of a time that she'd been happiest, even with the hardships they'd all faced together. Staring at the image she got to her feet and leapt down from the balcony where the beds were, moving out of the cabin down the hall to the elevator and taking it up to the bridge.
"Everyone's where they belong except me. Sorry for borrowing the Celsius without permission Yuna, but it's not fair that everyone has somewhere to belong." Paine murmured and as the elevator reached the bridge she paced to the empty pilot's chair and sat down, flipping the switches to ignite the engines. The crimson ship roared to life, slowly raising itself from the sea waters into the air as Paine carefully inlaid a pre-planned flight path. With a satisfied nod she activated the auto-pilot function and the celsius soared upwards, leaving Besaid behind. With the ship guiding itself Paine found her eyes drawn back to the image in the sphere.
There were one or two I know you would've
Liked a little more
But they didn't show your spirit quite as true
If those three had seen the sphere they wouldn't have liked it as much. She could picture the responses they would've had if she showed it to them at the time she'd taken it.
"You got my bad side Paine!" Gippal would probably say in jest only to be elbowed in the side by Nooj who would smirk.
"What are you talking about? At least she got the side with an eye. I don't like the way I look though, I always hate pictures." Nooj would snort, looking away then.
"I don't mind pictures but I look a little odd too. I don't know, that's not my favorite picture of me." Baralai would add in thoughtfully, his brows knitting together in thought as he would lean forward slightly to get a better look at the image.
She could picture it all in her mind, knowing exactly how they would react if they saw the sphere image. Her crimson eyes gazed at the three faces in the sphere and she could see there the true nature of the three men who'd been both companions and enemies over the course of time. They would grouse about the quality of the photo but she knew, it was because it showed who they really were, captured onto film when they'd not expected it.
You were turning 'round to see who was behind you
And I took your childish laughter by surprise
And at the moment that my camera happened to find you
There was just a trace of sorrow in your eyes
Paine remembered the very instance when she'd taken the sphere picture of them. They'd been stationed at Luca on shore leave from their Crimson Squad training. The sound of the gulls echoing over the harbor as the walked down the ramp from the docks, letting her memory play through her mind as though experiencing once again.
"You're going to break your neck! Get down off of there!" Baralai yelled over at Gippal who was walking nimbly along the railing of the docks, enjoying seeing the young Yevonite worrying like a mother chocobo.
"I'll be fine! Besides, even if I fall I'll either just end up in the water or on the ground, and I doubt I can break my neck considering that this railing is only about four feet high." Gippal answered and glanced back over his shoulder at Paine who was trailing after them looking absorbed in adjusting the sphere camera.
"No, you'd just probably break your arm and then we'd have to take you to get medical treatment. Now get down before I get you down, brat." Nooj barked, glancing sideways at the Al Bhed who narrowed his eyes at the deathseeker.
"If you think you can get me down, come and try!" Gippal yelled and continued walking along the railing. Baralai cast a look at Nooj to see if he was really serious only to watch as Nooj strode directly to where Gippal was and gave him a firm shove, knocking him into the water. Gippal emerged from the water choking and coughing before glaring up at Nooj who was peering over the railing at him.
"I tried to warn you.." Baralai murmured, one palm coming up to try to muffle the laughter that escaped him as he moved to offer a hand up to Gippal.
"You warned me I might fall, not that Nooj would ambush me. Nooj, you had better expect to pay for this later because I'll get even." Gippal shot back.
"How's that water taste, Gippal? I'll believe that threat of payback when I see it." Nooj snorted and then moved away from the railing as Baralai helped Gippal out of the water and back up onto the dock.
"Why don't you just jump in and find out? Bastard, you just let your guard down like that and underestimate me. Even easier for me to get back at you." Gippal replied, shaking himself off like a wet dog.
"Hey... Where'd Paine go?" Baralai asked, turning to look behind them causing the other two to turn as well. While the three had been playing she'd moved around to the other side of them and hidden behind some crates that lied ahead on their path.
"Paine! Where are you?" Gippal called, looking around in confusion. At the words she stood up behind them with a grin.
"Here guys! Now smile!" Paine called and the three turned again to see her standing with the sphere camera in hand.
"Oh no! We've been ambushed by our own recorder!" Baralai said dramatically and started to laugh, the other two unable to help themselves and joining in. Moving a little closer for her to take the picture of the three of them smiling and laughing, allowing her to capture that moment. In their eyes though at that moment, beyond the happiness on the surface lingered just a shard of sorrow, and it was caught in that photo.
Shaking herself from the memory she looked down at the still image, gazing at their faces solemnly.
"You three.. are the happiest looking sad people I've ever seen." Paine whispered.
Now the things that I remember seem so distant
And so small
Though it really hasn't been that long a time
It seemed like a distant dream that happened to someone else ages ago. Everything they went through together up until two years ago, and then what went on during those two years. It really hadn't been that long but it all seemed so far away. All of them had changed so greatly in the time that had passed that it seemed to make it feel even longer.
Baralai had come to join the Crimson Squad with just enough battle experience to get through and an overzealous belief in the god that they all learned to be false. It had been a source of stress early on, the arguments that would come up between Baralai and Gippal over their opposing philosophies. Those arguments, and the course of time slowly wore at the silver haired man's impression of what the religion was really about and left him questioning at the end of it all while he tried to cling to what belief he had left.
Gippal was the vagabond, the unwanted heretic who'd joined the cause to protect a world that didn't want him. He'd come there with a half-jaded sense of humor trying to keep everyone together while having his disagreements concerning the morals behind the Yevonite's judgments. A lonely young man who'd never had any friends other than other Al Bhed all his life finally finding himself among a group of people who began to accept him. Their experiences together making Gippal the most optimistic of them all as with every near death scrape he began to see ways out of the worst circumstances.
Nooj had come seeking death, his emotions locked behind an icy wall of nihilism that held them all at arms length when they'd first met. They hadn't let him have what he wanted though, stopping him at any attempts to recieve what he'd been trying to find for so long, much to the deathseeker's annoyance. At the same time, he protected them with his life and over time began to let them all into his thoughts a little more, lowering his guard until he could laugh with the three of them.
It had been a struggle for life in death out in the Bikanel desert where they'd spend six months learning to survive the climate, and eachother.
"And then there was me... What did I become when I joined them? I guess... I learned what it was like to truly smile and be happy. I learned what it meant to have a family, after being an orphan all my life I finally had people to worry about and care for and fight with." Paine spoke thoughtfully as her eyes raised from the sphere out across the waters, waiting almost anxiously for the lights of Luca to come into sight.
What I was seeing wasn't what was happening at all
Although for a while our paths seemed to climb
But when you see through love's illusions, there
Lies the danger
"It all seemed so perfect. So where did we go wrong, and why couldn't I see it?" Paine asked herself, folding her arms as she reflected when they'd gone on their own paths two years ago. The photo taken in Luca was taken a week before their mission at the Den of Woe, catching one of the last moments they spent smiling with each other.
They had survived countless risks and overcome the odds in order to become elite mercenaries but the cost was far more than any of them ever could've anticipated. They had talked of the airship they would have and fly together, just the four of them able to go wherever they wanted any time they wanted, without anyone to tell them what they had to do.
That fantasy was shattered though, that fated day when the Den of Woe had become their personal hell. The screams still rang in her ears after all the time that'd passed and she could still picture their terrified faces, eyes wide with their guns pointed at eachother. That peaceful dream was torn apart then, once Shuyin had found a host body in Nooj and once free from the Den of Woe took time to shoot them before disappearing. Paine had blamed him, for a long time thinking that he was nothing more than the heartless killer that he'd appeared to be when they'd first met him. And the following years gave way to thoughts wondering why it had all happened in the first place, why did they have to become close at all when it would be that much more painful when it all came apart.
And your perfect lover looks just like a perfect fool
So you go running of in search of a perfect stranger
While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
Like a fountain from a pool
The greatest shock was yet to come though, when later she found out the situation that'd formed two years later. Her three former friends had become the leaders of factions, two of whom were trying to tear eachother apart. She had known that the three of them were hurting, she could see it in their faces when they made public announcements on sphere broadcasts.
"And I got to be a pilot.. not with you three though.. How did I end up meeting Rikku..?" Paine asked herself, trying to recall the first time she'd met the spunky Al Bhed. It had been about a year after she'd first been shot, and was out one evening for a drink in at the bar in Luca. Rikku had walked in and climbed up on a table and asked who wanted to become a sphere hunter with her, and on a drunken whim Paine had accepted, getting herself into an alliance that would take her further than she could've ever imagined.
It seemed that she had family again when Rikku brought Yuna aboard and the three of them set to work trying to help Yuna find Tidus. But there was an empty loneliness that just didn't quite fit even with the company. They weren't the one's she'd become accustomed to following and fighting with.
"I was so mad at you three.. Especially you two, fighting like a pair of idiots when all you had to do was just apologize and tell the truth!" Paine's eyes flickered back to the sphere in her hand, pointing to Nooj and Baralai as she spoke with an admonishing expression.
Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own
Steps in flight
You've had to hide sometimes but now,
You're all right
And it's good to see your smiling face tonight
Being alone had been something that never bothered her as a child. One can't miss the family one never had, and so she went on as a child without the feeling of being depressed because she had no one to be with. After joining the Crimson Squad though and being separated the feeling of being alone struck her as painfully as the bullet that had shot her two years ago.
The first year alone had been the worst, when she lost track of what happened to her three friends and had been wondering aimlessly. Tending to her wounds as she had to constantly flee the yevon clergy as their guards had her hunted like a criminal. It seemed that she was running and hiding, like a ghost in the shadows she moved from place to place trying to avoid capture while the lonliness still followed her.
Looking up from the sphere Paine smiled as Luca finally came into sight in the distance, turning off the still image sphere and slipping it into her pocket as she took the controls of the celsius and guided it in to land at one of the docks, where three figures were seated together staring up at the airship in surprise. Unable to supress a grin she got to her feet once she turned off the engines and hurried to disembark from the airship, stepping down onto the dock.
"What took you so long?" Gippal called, waving her over.
"Sorry guys, I had to do a little thinking.. but what are you three doing here? I thought I'd have to come searching you out when I got here?" Paine asked, walking over and sitting down with the three of them, getting a nod of acknowledgment from Nooj and a smile from Baralai.
"This was our dock, remember? The one we stayed at all night talking when we were on shore leave. Once we escaped the crowds we came out here for a bit of nostalgia." Baralai replied.
"Yeah I remember, I just didn't expect.. Well, I guess it doesn't matter since we're all here now." Paine wiped away the momentary tears that'd formed at the corner of her eyes.
"Exactly, no need to complicate it any more than you need to. We were wondering if our pilot was going to turn up or if we'd have to come and retrieve you from Besaid." Nooj said wryly.
Now for you and me it may not be that hard to
Reach our dreams
But that magic feeling never seems to last
"So.. now we can finally get that airship we dreamed about huh..? You don't think that Yuna would let us keep the celsius and give it a new paint job?" Gippal asked, glancing at the borrowed airship resting in the dock beside them.
"Hehe, she might since she's probably entertained with Tidus. Rikku and Brother might not be so fond of letting it go though." Paine smirked, imagining the sort of expression that Rikku would have if she told her she wanted to take it.
"We should be able to find our own, I mean it might take time but two airships have already been unearthed so there's got to be more. Besides, don't pretend you wouldn't want to give an airship a faster engine than brother gave the celsius." Nooj raised an eyebrow at Gippal.
"Yeah, and then I can prove to him who's the better inventor. And Baralai can choose the paint color, since he's the most aesthetically inclined." Gippal replied, reaching over and ruffling the former Praetor's hair.
"You all had better not complain when I choose the color and design though, since I'm the designated aesthetically inclined person! Nooj gets the easy job though, he just has to stand there giving us orders and looking important." Baralai teased, earning a snort from Nooj.
"Guys... can we go on like this?" Paine interjected, breaking the humor of the moment and drawing the other three's gaze to her.
"What do you mean? Of course!" Baralai immediately responded.
"Are you sure? What if something else happens again, or we get separated or we just can't?" Paine asked seriously. Gippal started to say something but Nooj stopped him and turned to look Paine hard in the eyes.
"Listen, I can't promise nothing will happen. I made that mistake once, and I know better than to underestimate what could happen in the future. But we've made it this far, all of us are alive and survived to persue this dream. If we get separated again we'll just find eachother and keep going. How about that?" Nooj said firmly, folding his arms as he arched an eyebrow at her.
"Very well, Captain Nooj!" Paine said, smirking slightly as Nooj's face twitched slightly and he frowned.
"Don't call me captain.." He growled only to get laughed at by the other three.
And while the future's there for anyone to change
Still you know it seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past
"It's going to be hard though.. There's still so many things in this world that need to be fixed. Some people still disrespect the Al Bhed and I'm sure there's going to be a few skirmishes between the former Youth League and New Yevon followers. I wish we could just fix what happened before..." Baralai sighed and layed back, gazing at the star filled sky solemnly.
"Woulda, shoulda, coulda.. That's all I have to say to that Baralai. I mean we all have our regrets but if you keep whining about yesterday then you won't be able to do anything about the future." Gippal answered and flopped over across Baralai who groaned under his weight and tried to shove him off.
"He has a point though, it's been hard to shape the future the way we've wanted. I mean, we had plans of finding an airship two years ago after Sin was killed but those plans just went totally down the tube. If there was some sort of magic wand to fix what we know already went wrong it would be easier. Unfortunately we also know that just isn't going to happen." Nooj murmured, shifting slightly where he sat to keep his good leg from going numb.
"You know what I always wondered...?" Paine spoke up as she pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin.
"What's that?" Gippal asked, glancing over his shoulder as Baralai still shoved at him trying to get him off.
"Remember when we saw summoner Yuna the day we went into the Den of Woe? Right before Kinoc gave the announcement and we all had to try to get weapons? I've always wondered what it would've been like if we were a summoner and guardian party." Paine explained, yawning slightly.
"That would be quite different.. Of course unless we copied what Yuna did then two of us would be dead now and sin would come back. Knowing us though, if we knew that some of us would have to die we would've figured a way around it like they did." Nooj considered the possibility thoughtfully.
"Yeah, because you'd do what you did back in the desert and keep us safe while we kept you from doing anything fooling and getting yourself killed." Gippal added, finally sitting up with a grin.
"Here's the real question though.. If fate was shifted would that mean that somehow Yuna and the others would've lived our lives?" Baralai's asked philosophically, straightening his disheveled appearance from being flopped on by Gippal as he spoke.
"You know, if the past changed it would change who we are now and we might not even be friends.. I don't think I would change the past, as painful as it was, if it mean risking never being friends with the three of you." Paine tilted her head and looked to the three guys sitting with her.
I'm just one or two years and a couple of
Changes behind you
In my lessons at love's pain and heartache school
"I know I haven't been through everything any of you have been through and I wouldn't try to pretend I did. So I wouldn't fault you if you would change the past if you could. But I wouldn't." Paine added to her previous statement after a silence had followed her initial comment.
"We're all young and still have a lot to learn... I wouldn't lessen your experiences by comparing them to ours. I wouldn't change anything either." Nooj finally spoke up.
"You act like an old man, Nooj... Yevon forbid you should ever really get old. When you do we'll have to listen to you lecture us on life lessons you've learned." Gippal teased, earning a glare from Nooj.
"Can I help it if I'm surrounded by brats?" he asked and then smirked.
Where if you feel too free and need something
To remind you
There's this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool
Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own
Steps in flight
You've had to hide sometimes but now,
You're all right
And it's good to see your smiling face tonight
Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own
Steps in flight
You've had to struggle, and you've had to fight
To keep understanding and compassion in sight
You could be laughing at me, you've got the right
But you go on smiling so clear and so bright
"I say we go and drink to that, until we can't walk and they kick us out and then we sit and watch the sun come up!" Gippal chirped and got to his feet.
"I don't know about drinking that much, since I don't really relish getting sick but a drink or two like old times wouldn't hurt." Baralai added, offering a hand to help Nooj up who nodded in agreement.
"And I bet I can still drink all three of you under the table if I tried." Paine smirked and as she got to her feet the sphere she'd had with her slipped from he pocket to the ground. The other three blinking as she quickly knelt to pick it up, trying to hide it from their vision though it was already too late and they had seen it.
"What's that sphere, Paine?" Gippal asked, walking over and shouldering her slightly.
"It's nothing, just an old still image. Don't worry about it." Paine replied. At the words Nooj shot her a withering glare and Baralai gave her a pleading look.
"Come on Paine, show us!" Baralai added and finally Paine sighed and turned on the sphere, revealing the image. Seeing the image the three males paused to examine the image silently, their faces all looking as though they were restraining tears at seeing the image and then as Paine shut it off and put the sphere away tried to collect themselves emotionally.
"See, it's just an old still image.. I know it's silly of me to keep it after everything. You can laugh if you want." Paine said and shrugged, feigning indifference.
"None of us is laughing at you, Paine..." Nooj said and as she looked up at them she found them all smiling at her. Her expression softened and she mirrored their own smile, finally back with the family she belonged with.