This page is a collection of my favorite e-mail jokes and other funny stuff.

If any of this stuff is copyrighted or you know who wrote it, please let me know so they can receive recognition!

Top Signs You're a Bad Airman
Submitted by Sam Milford

1. You thought CDC's stood for Complete in a Decade Course.
2. You think of the Government American Express as an early out program.
3. Your flight chief issues you a signature stamp for your upcoming Article 15(s).
4. Your commander's door mat has your name sewn under welcome.
5. Your reason for showing up late was that Mickey Mouse's hands looked about the same length.
6. You usually check your mail at the First Sergeant's office.
7. You affectionately refer to your BDU's as pajamas.
8. The words VOLUME ONE are written on you UIF at MPF.
9. Your reporting official calls the legal office on base for help in writing your EPR.
10. The people at your retirement rehearsal simply wave good-bye.
11. You think under 21 alcohol prohibition is a drinking game.
12. You get taken off the Weight Management Program because you have a waiver from the Hostess cupcake factory.
13. You think the Recall roster is more difficult that the periodic table of elements in chemistry.
14. You search the back cover of the PFE for the DWI ribbon.
15. You haven't heard any rumors lately.
16. The SP's have a code name for your dorm room.
17. Your case file is used Air Force wide to train First Sergeants and Commanders
18. The Legal Office uses you as a benchmark for discharge actions.
19. You know more about completing Art 15 paperwork than your First Sergeant.
20. BMTS has considered using you as a guest speaker to scare recruits straight.
21. When other people on Base get in trouble, they compare their case to yours to receive lighter punishment.
22. You have reserved parking at the Correction Custody facility.
23. You carry extra "certified true" finger print copies to speed-up processing
24. You call your First Sergeant late at night so much that you can carry on a conversation with his wife or kids until he's available to come to the phone.
25. Jerry Springer won't have your type on his show.
26. You consider new Commanders as a short term problem.
27. You've been promoted 6 times and your still an A1C.
28. Your stripes are velcroed on-saves time and eliminates that nasty halo effect.
29. You've been the squadron's lowest ranking airman on 4 separate occasions during the past three years thanks to those five day weekends you started taking.
30. If you've been good for the whole month your supervisor and First Sergeant get a three day pass.
31. Your happy the Air Force came out with the new Nations Bank Visa Card-you had reached your credit limit on your Am Express.
32. Air Force Aid won't return your calls.
33. Security police named a drug dog after you.
34. The Correction Custody staff bought you a Christmas gift to ensure you'd get a gift this year.
35. Your goal is to one day attend the prestigious Airman Leadership School provided you stay in the service that long.
36. Your hoping to get a basic Good Conduct Medal as a going away gag gift.
37. Your concerned that excessive white space on your referral EPR might hurt your promotion opportunity.
38. You don't know jack about your primary AFSC but have gotten pretty good about MPF special actions case work that you've considered cross-training.
39. Your unit tried to trade you for a BBQ grill until the legal office got involved.
40. You've help eliminate a bunch of the legal loopholes involving DWI cases.
41. SP's had to get a legal finding to see if they could charge you with being stupid.
42. Your last random urine sample led to several lurid charges being filed against you.
43. Your hometown celebrates the day you enlisted.
44. You consider your UIF as a resume writing source

Unknown Author- VIRUS ALERT...

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will
also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your
VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to
play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all
your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your
mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all
your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all
while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing
their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that
is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which
grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it
will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to
smell like dill pickles.


Hospital Trip - Received from Elayne Cinalli

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other.
The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm
a little nervous."

The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had
that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I
couldn't walk for a year!"

Things NOT to say on a date- Received from Kelli Carrazco

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date.  Here are a few things NOT to say on
a date...

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this
2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to
consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on
the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am.

A dedicated farmer - Received from Kelli Carrazco

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.   After
several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and
calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will
know when the pigs are pregnant.  The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they
are pregnant.  The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to
the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the
pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.  Next morning, he
wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing
around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the
truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good
measure, brings them back and goes to bed.  Next morning, he wakes to find
the pigs are still just standing around.  One more try, he tells himself,
and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all
day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in
the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's
honking the horn.

A summary of the world- received from Kelli Carrazco.

A Summary of the World

If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of
precisely 100 people ...... with all existing human ratios,
it would look like this:

There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western
Hemisphere (North and South) and 8 Africans. Fifty-one would be female; 49
would be male; 70 would be nonwhite; 30 white. Seventy would be
non-christian; 30 Christian. Fifty percent of the entire world's wealth
would be in the hands of only 6 people and all 6 would be citizens of the
United States. Eighty would live in substandard housing. Seventy would be
unable to read. Fifty would suffer from malnutrition. One would be near
death, 1 would be near birth. Only 1 would have a college education. No one
would own a computer.

Good Advice - Recieved from Katrina Traeweek

FIVE GREAT LESSONS:  The Important Things Life Teaches You...
1 ~  Most Important Question

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz.
I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until
I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the
school?"  Surely this was some kind of joke.  I had seen the cleaning woman
several times.  She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know
her name?  I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.

Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward
our quiz grade.  "Absolutely," said the professor.  "In your careers you will
meet many people. All are significant.  They deserve your attention and care,
even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'.  "I've never forgotten that
lesson.  I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2 ~  Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the
side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride.  Soaking wet, she decided to
flag down the next car.  A young white man stopped to help her -generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s.  The man took her to safety, helped
her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab.  She seemed to be in a big
hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away. Seven days went
by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color
TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.  It read:  "Thank
you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched
not only my clothes but my spirits.  Then you came along.  Because of you, I
was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away.
God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs.
Nat King Cole

3 ~ Always remember those who serve

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered
a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table.  A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him.  "How much is an ice cream sundae?" "Fifty cents," replied the
waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a
number of coins in it.  "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.
Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the
coins.  "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.  The waitress brought the
ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.

The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.  When the
waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard
at what she saw.  There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels
and five pennies -- her tip.

4 ~ The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway.  Then he hid
himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.  Some of
the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around
it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the big stone out of the way.  Then a peasant came
along carrying a load of vegetables.  On approaching the boulder, the peasant
laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road.
After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.

As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in
the road where the boulder had been.  The purse contained many gold coins and
a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed
the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never
understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.

5 ~  Giving Blood

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to
know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious
disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from
her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.  The doctor explained
the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing
to give his blood to his sister.  I saw him hesitate for only a moment before
taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz." As the
transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all
did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks.  Then his face grew pale and
his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice,
"Will I start to die right away?"

Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to
have to give his sister all of his blood.

Attitude, after all, is everything. You have 2 choices now
1. Save or delete this mail from your mailbox, or
2. Forward it to people you care about. Hope you will choose No. 2
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.

Big People - Recieved from Katrina Traeweek

Big People Words

Early into their school year, the former kindergartners were
trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that
the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use ' big people' words" she'd always remind them.
She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. " I went to
visit my Nana," she replied.
"No," said the teacher, "you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!!"
She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo," he said.
"No," the teacher corrected, "you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big
people words!!"
She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied.
"That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Eddie paused for a second, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said,
"Winnie The Shit".

The Farter- recieved from Katrina Traeweek

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years.
The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of
breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake
up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would
choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to
stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help
it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done,
but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a
natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried
to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was
nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to
"fart his guts out." The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and
Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts
out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs
to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed
potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys
innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve
her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed
the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before
her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep,
she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's
jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's
underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back
downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later
she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was
soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not
control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the
floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten
even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his
blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her
lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter."Honey,"
he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't
listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked Martha. "Well, you
always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days
and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two
fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

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