| The Picnic by Diana DeShaun Disclaimer: These characters belong to Panzer Davis and/or Rysher (I forget). Not mine at any rate. Notes: This is Suze's fault. Totally. Utterly. She sent me this card, see? And it was about...what the story is about. And then she mentioned...well, the card was from SUZE, okay? All feedback appreciated [email protected] ************************************* Duncan MacLeod yawned and stretched expansively in the warm, autumn sunshine. "Joe, that was just about perfect." Sitting comfortably on the other side of a rickety old picnic table, Joe Dawson smiled beatifically. "It was, wasn't it?" "Yeah, Joe," came a disembodied voice, "those were the best burgers I've ever had." "But, Richie," Duncan teased, "that's what you used to say about my burgers." "Face it, MacLeod, the boy's fickle." Methos was lying along one of the picnic benches, arm languidly thrown across his eyes. "I beg your pardon!" Richie shot up from the blanket he was lounging on, his head appearing above the rim of the table. "Granted." Methos drawled, a hint of a smile playing about his lips. Deciding it was too much trouble to answer, Richie just snorted and dropped back onto the blanket. Looking from one man to the next, Duncan stopped when he met Joe's twinkling eyes. Rolling his own, he reached over and poked Methos in the side. "Come on, Methos. Let's go work some of those 'best ever' burgers off." Raising his arm just enough to peer at Duncan with one eye, Methos studied his lover for a moment then said, "I don't think so." "Why not? Let's follow that path we crossed to the top of the bluff. It'll be good for you." "Haven't you ever heard you're not supposed to exert yourself for an hour after you eat?" "I thought you weren't supposed to swim." Richie couldn't resist. "Well," Methos growled, "I don't plan on doing that either." "Come on, Methos. I need some exercise." Crooking one finger at Duncan, Methos waited until he bent close then said in a loud stage whisper, "If I come, will you make it worth my time?" With a slight jerk, Duncan straightened back up and darted a sidelong glance at Joe. At the sight of the other man's grinning face, Duncan found himself smiling back. A sly expression crossed his face as he leaned in to whisper back, "I thought coming was always worth your time, Methos." His attention suddenly much more focused, Methos popped up to a sitting position, "Ahem. Well, yes, you know..." he looked over to where Richie seemed to be slumbering in the sun, "...I suppose a leisurely walk wouldn't hurt...got to keep in shape." Joe finally had to laugh out loud. "Oh right, keeping in shape. Is that what they used to call it?" "Hmmphh." Methos rose to his feet. "I don't believe I'll deign to answer that. Let's go, MacLeod." "Yes, dear." With a snicker, Duncan fell into step alongside Methos, and they began to retrace their steps. ****************** Some minutes later, Richie heaved a loud sigh. "They gone yet, Joe?" "Um hum." "Damn, if I stay in the sun much longer, I'm gonna look like a radish. There enough shade over there for one more?" "Um hum." Clambering to his feet, Richie said, "Well, good grief, Joe. You don't have to get so excited about it." "Huh? Oh, sorry, Rich." Joe lowered the high powered binoculars he'd been peering through and smiled at his young friend. "Sure, there's plenty of nice shade over here." As Richie dragged his blanket over and spread it beside Joe, he teased, "You weren't spying on them, were you?" "Of course not! I'm birdwatching. It's a hobby of mine." Joe raised the binoculars back into place and made a production of looking all about. "Oh, of course. Well, if you see any birds doing anything interesting, you be sure to let me know." "Um hum." **************************** "Goat Bluff." Methos let the name roll around a bit before saying it again. "Goat Bluff. What an incredibly evocative name. Why do you suppose it's called Goat Bluff, MacLeod?" Duncan made a nasty face at the back of the man carefully picking his way across the rocky ledge in front of him. "You were the one who insisted on leading the way, Mr. 'I've Climbed Mountains that aren't even There Anymore'." "Well, I shouldn't have. I should've stayed down below with Joe and Ryan." Stopping on a wide lip that offered a bit more purchase, Methos leaned far out. "Look at them. Lazy sods! Not a care in their tidy little worlds while I'm trapped up here with Sir Edmund Hillary! Hello, Joe!" Waving to the binoculars-wielding man below, Methos faltered when a small stone rolled out from under his foot. "Would you watch what you're doing?" Duncan reached out and snatched his lover back from the crumbly lip. "It's a long way down, you know." "Oh please. I'll have you know I have an uncanny sense of balance." "Uh huh." "Don't believe me? I'll prove it." Methos stepped deliberately back to the edge, extending his arms like a tightrope walker. "You see? I believe I?ll just spend the rest of our little stroll like this. It?s blindingly obvious that there?s no entertainment forthcoming from you, so I?ll just entertain myself. It's either this, or show off my marksmanship by lobbing a few at Ryan down there. Of course, he's such a big target there's not much sport in that." He continued with an exaggerated wobble "Not that this is much better. Perhaps, I should do it with my eyes closed. Want to see?" "No, you big idiot! Are you trying to hurt yourself?" With a roughness born of equal parts exasperation and concern, Duncan once again pulled his lover back. Attempting to snag the other man's waist, he inadvertently wound up thrusting his hand into the pocket on Methos' slacks. Even as he heaved his flailing lover back to safety, there was a loud ripping sound and something bright and shiny arced out away from the ledge to land in the clutches of one of the huge pine trees reaching up from below. Finally regaining his powers of speech as well as his equilibrium, Methos fingered his torn pocket in disgust. "Well, well. Just look what you did, MacLeod." ******************** From his vantage point below, Joe stared at the keys caught high up in the pine tree. He thought a moment, looked at Richie once again dozing on the blanket, then raised the binoculars once again. "Uh oh." ******************** Methos stared morosely at the keys dangling so tantalizingly out of reach and said again, "Look what you did. I just can't believe you did that." Duncan was having none of that. "I did that? I Did That?!" "That's right. Those are the keys to the vehicle that carried us here, in case you didn't know, and if you think I'm going to take the blame when it's time to explain to Joe and Richie exactly why we're stranded out here--" "--Hold it right there!" Duncan held up his hand, palm out and began to tick off points. "Fact--If you hadn't been acting like...like that, You wouldn't have lost the keys! Fact--This entire back-to-nature, far from the madding crowd thing was your idea. Incredible as that may sound. Fact--Nobody twisted your arm or any other body part to come up here. I told you I was going to work off a little of that meal. Why you decided to unglue yourself from the beer cooler and traipse along is beyond me. Fact--" "--I was not glued to the beer cooler! I was just lying there, minding my own business--You're the one who lured me up here under false pretenses." "What false pretenses?" "You said you wanted to work off a little of the meal." "And?" "And nothing! I naturally assumed you wanted to work off a little of the meal. In fact, you said I could come." "What? Oh brother! You have the libido of an elephant." "Well, I'm certainly hung like one." When it became obvious that the extent of Duncan's reaction would be rolled eyes and a snort, Methos continued, "You obviously have selective memory." "Do not!" "Do too! Besides, how would you remember?" With that, Methos gathered his tattered dignity about him along with his tattered pants and strode off. With a strangled noise of outrage, Duncan once again brought up the rear. ***************************** Joe hastily put his binoculars down as Duncan and Methos stormed back into view. "Hey guys--" "Idiot!" "Pervert!" "Guys?" "Braying jack ass." "Bray--" Stopping himself mid-word, Duncan smiled insouciantly and shrugged, "Okay, you win." "Oh, guys." "Oh yeah? You--you--what do you mean I win?" "Just that. One of us has to be mature and find a way out of this situation. Obviously, that would be me." "Oh no you don't. The Highland Martyr strikes again! No. No way. I'm the mature one here. I give up." "Oh for pete's--Would You Two Shut Up?" "Joe?" Duncan looked positively wounded. "There's no need to yell." "Really, Joe, we're not deaf." Joe snorted. "Coulda fooled me. Anyway, I think I know a way to get the keys down." "No, no. Don't worry about a thing, Joe. I have everything under control." Duncan walked over to stand under the pine tree holding the keyring hostage and peered upwards. "But, Mac--" "--Might as well leave him alone, Joe.? Methos raised his voice to a melodramatic falsetto, ?We all know only The Highlander can save us now." With a disgusted shake of his head, he stalked over to the ice chest, stepping carefully over a still sleeping Richie on the way. Reaching inside, he snagged a beer, popped it open and raised it in a mock salute, "My hero." As Duncan glared back at his lover, then turned to begin the delicate task of scaling the tree, Joe considered trying one last time to call him back, then raked his hands through his hair in frustration instead. Finishing his beer with a hasty swallow, Methos placed the empty in a trash bin then said casually, "Well, I guess I'll just go on over there and see how it's going. Sooner or later, you know he's going to need my help." "But, Methos..." Joe let his voice trail off as, with a jaunty wave, Methos went over to join Duncan. They consulted a moment or two, then Methos bent low to give Duncan a big leg up as he reached for the first branch. Extending a long arm back toward the ground, Methos gave a little jump to grab it, then he scrambled up as well. Picking up his binoculars once more, Joe heaved a long suffering breath. "I knew I shoulda brought my camera." ********************************* Duncan sighed as he leaned back against the sticky, sap-covered trunk. "Tell me again why I'm in this tree." "Because you wouldn't jump." "Because I wouldn't--! Why the hell should I jump when it was your fault?" From his perch on a nearby branch, Methos snapped. "There you go again. The famous MacLeod Revisionist History. It was your idea to come to this godforsaken place. 'What a beautiful day for a picnic, Methos.'" The other man's voice took on a singsong quality as he recounted theirearlier conversation. "'Nature is a wonderful aphrodisiac, Methos.'" He stopped to snort. "Somehow I don't think that's the same argument you used to get Joe and Richie to come along." Squirming, trying to fit himself more comfortably in the wedge of the tree, Duncan sighed again. "Methos, in the grand scheme of life,does it really matter whose idea it was? Look back up there and tell me what you see." Turning casually, Methos flicked his vision up along the steep cliff face. "A ledge. The ledge, I suppose. So?" "Now look down there." Methos quirked his mouth. "You're not going to show me your thumb next are you?" "Huh?" Methos shook his head. "It figures. Nevermind. Okay, I'm looking down." Bending almost double, Methos made a great show of dangling precariously from the limb. "Why yes, there's the ground all right. And, look, over there at the picnic table--it's Joe, and Richie too, still snoring away the afternoon! Quite a view." "Fine. You want to be sarcastic, just go right ahead. Maybe you could've made that leap at the perfect trajectory without having to do it a dozen times, but I don?t know that I could. Multiple leaps mean multiple landings. I?d just as soon avoid the hitting the ground part. I'm odd like that." Nonplused, Methos looked again at the ledge then over and out at the keys. "Oh. I, er, didn't consider that it would take you more than once. That would hurt, wouldn?t it?" "Yeah, well," Duncan smiled ruefully, "not that we might not have to reconsider. I don?t think that branch will hold long enough for one of us to get those keys." Going to a standing position, Methos stepped gingerly onto a limb a little below MacLeod's perch, angling to gain a better view of the situation. "Let me take a look." "It's no--" Duncan stopped as his view was effectively blocked by Methos and soon found his gaze riveted on the thin ribbon of flesh around the other man?s waist that was alternately revealed then concealed as Methos twisted and turned. Duncan considered his options. There was no way either of them could get at the keys from this position. Sooner or later, they would have to go back down and face Joe and Richie. His eyes were caught again by Methos? movements,and Duncan found himself beginning to sway along with his lover, like a cobra confronted by a snake charmer. In fact, if Duncan leaned forward just the tiniest bit....ah yes, Duncan smiled at Methos' gasp when he began to nuzzle the front of his pants. ?MacLeod, what the hell do you think you?re doing?? ?Helping you work off some of that lunch?" ?Now? You want to have sex, now?!? Methos was beginning to sound slightly breathless as Duncan continued to mouth his erection through his slacks. ?But, the keys...? ?You just take your time, Methos. Inspect the situation thoroughly." Carefully, he reached up and tugged down Methos' zipper, grinning to himself when a breathy moan drifted back from above him. ?I?ll just be doing the same from here.? "Take my time? Ungh......yes...yes...I believe that would be the best approach...." ************************************** "What the!? I can't believe this!" "Joe? What's going on?" Richie sat up and stretched, looking around. "Where are Mac and Methos? Don't tell me they're still off on that trail." "Er, no, no. They came back from that." "So," Richie stood up. "Where'd they go?" "Well, actually, there was a slight problem." "Problem?" "Yeah, somehow or the other, they dropped the keys over the side of that cliff and--" "What?!" Richie hooted. "Why doesn't that surprise me? And now, they're looking for them?" "No, they know exactly where they are." Joe pointed over and up at a particularly majestic pine tree. Richie caught on immediately. "Oh my god. Let me see!? Laughing Richie tugged the binoculars from Joe?s reluctant hands and tried to find the errant bit of metal. Soon he exclaimed, ?There it is! Wow! That?s pretty high up.? Lowering the glasses, he frowned in thought. ?How in the heck--ha ha! They?re up there somewhere too,aren?t they? Let me see--? ?--No!? Before Richie could finish raising the binoculars back to his face, Joe had snatched them back. ?I mean, er, look! Over there! Isn?t that a wood tit?? ?Wha...?? Richie shook his head in confusion. ?Okay, never mind. I?ll just go over and have a look the old fashioned way. Sheesh.? ?But, Rich!? Watching the younger man moving closer to the tree in question, Joe felt a vague sense of foreboding. ?Uh oh.? ****************************** ?More, MacLeod. More!? His mouth too full to answer, Duncan clutched Methos? slim hips more tightly and sank down a final half inch. Smug with the knowledge of a job well in hand, Duncan closed his eyes and reveled in the feel of his lover?s two strong hands twisted in his hair, the crisp pubic hair tickling his nose and the cool wetness of Methos? finger trailing along his cheekbone. The cool wetness of Methos? finger...slowly, sluggishly, Duncan?s mind registered that there was something wrong with that particular notion. Continuing his enthusiastic sucking, adding a little curl and half-twist of the tongue that he knew Methos particularly enjoyed, he tried to review the situation. Hands. Two of them. Both belonging to Methos in all likelihood, and both in his hair. So, if both of Methos? hands were there, who was that tickling along under the edge of his jaw? Or, more to the point, *what* was that tickling along under the edge of his jaw? Stopping in mid-motion, Duncan?s eyes popped open wide. Methos continued to pump away above him, oblivious to that fact that he was now doing all of the work. Carefully, Duncan began to tilt his head to the left...nothing....nothing....there! Just at the edge of his...?AHHCCCKKK!!!? ******************************* From Joe?s vantage point, everything seemed to happen at once. Far be it from him to spy on an intimate moment, however ill-timed, but he?d just felt compelled to keep checking on the other two, waiting for the inevitable moment when Richie would reach just the right spot below to see exactly what the two of them were really looking for in that tree. Suddenly, MacLeod yelled and seemed to leap from a sitting position to a standing one, causing Methos to rock backwards dangerously, his arms sawmilling in the air. For one brief moment, Joe thought he would be able to catch himself, but then it happened. Methos went tumbling back out of the pine tree, pants undone, flag and flagpole flapping in the breeze. Richie, who had raced the remaining few feet to the tree when Duncan yelled, arrived just in time to see doom approaching in the form of a half-naked 180 pound man. As Methos finished his fall to earth, with Richie as his unwilling cushion, Joe winced in sympathy for both of them. Standing, he slowly made his way over to view the crash site, watching as the Highlander shimmied back down the tree in a more traditional manner. When a very red-faced Duncan landed with a final jump, Joe just looked at him. And looked at him. Finally Joe gestured at the two unconscious men at their feet and said blandly, ?Kind of embarrassing, don?t you think?? With a strangled sound of chagrin, Duncan swiftly reached down and put Methos? clothing to rights as best he could. Then, he took the time to tug Richie out from underneath the older man,brushing perfunctorily at the dirt on his clothes. ?I don?t suppose we could just leave them here and pretend they dreamed the whole thing?? Joe didn?t say a word, merely raising his eyebrows in question. Duncan squirmed under the silent query, but finally he broke. ?A squirrel. I was...we...A squirrel tried to eat me, okay?!? ?Okay.? Joe said mildly. ?Ordinarily, I would find that a bit hard to believe, but considering it was you two...? ?It?s true! I was just, er, sitting there minding my own business and this, this squirrel sticks it?s nose right on my face and starts to nuzzle me. Naturally, I was a little startled.? ?A little startled!? The groggy voice from the ground announced Methos? return to consciousness. ?Scared spitless, more like.? ?I was not ?scared spitless? as you so elegantly put it.? Duncan quickly forgot the apology he?d intended to deliver. ?I was merely reacting. It was...reflex. Warrior reflex.? ?Oh yeah, I remember that lesson.? Richie clutched his still aching head as he sat up. ?Number 36. I believe it was: What To Do In Case Of Being Mistaken For An Acorn.? Lending a hand to pull his former charge upright, Duncan had the grace to look abashed. ?All right, all right. I was maybe, a little...scared.? Turning to Methos who was standing at his side, Duncan smiled tentatively. ?That good enough?? ?Well....yes, I suppose so.? Methos reached up to brush a few pine needles out of his hair then sighed. ?Still doesn?t help us with our original problem though. How do we get the keys?? ?I guess we could always go back to your first idea,? Duncan offered reluctantly. ?Actually--? ?I?ve already had my fall for the day, Highlander. If anyone is going cliff diving, it?s going to be you.? ?Yeah, I agree. But only after I move well out of the way. I draw the line at getting squashed more than once a decade or so.? ?As I tried to say earlier--? ?There has got to be another way! How far back was that convenience store?? ?GENTLEMEN!? Joe smiled with satisfaction as three startled faces turned toward him. ?That?s better. Methos, go get me your coat.? ?But--? ?--Just do it.? Closing his mouth, Methos did as he was told, crossing swiftly to where he?d left his inevitable jacket slung over a lawnchair and returning with it. ?Good. Now, give me your gun.? ?My gun?! What do you think you?re--? ?Methos!? Joe was positively growling. ?Enough is enough! Now give me your gun.? Once again doing as he was told, Methos reached into one of the outside pockets and pulled out a revolver. Without further ado, Joe palmed it, stretched out his arm, and in one steady motion pulled the trigger. A moment later, the car keys were lying on the ground along with the end of the branch Joe had shot. ?Ahem.? Methos walked over and picked up the keys. ?Thanks, Joe.? Handing the gun back to its owner, he smiled at the astonished faces surrounding him and said, ?Play Station. Man?s gotta have a hobby, doesn?t he?? Turning away, he walked slowly back to the picnic table. As the others followed in his wake, a thought occurred to Richie. ?But, Joe, I thought you said your hobby was birdwatching.? ?Birdwatching?? Duncan exchanged a mystified look with Methos, then turned to Joe. Instead of an answer, Joe began to pack the remains of their meal back into the basket. Pausing as he tucked away the rest of the buns, he said thoughtfully, ?You know, MacLeod, that squirrel might not have been after you at all.? ?What do you mean? He was literally sitting on my shoulder!? ?Well, yeah, but think, Mac. What was next to your shoulder? There was your face, which is where he was nosing around. But. That wouldn't really account for it. What was next to your face?? Joe shrugged in apparent innocence as Duncan turned blood red and Methos froze. ?Huh. With winter coming on, you'd think it would've been too busy gathering supplies to stop and sightsee. Now what is it that squirrels eat during the winter?? Before Duncan could form a coherent reply, Joe grabbed something from the bottom of the basket and called out, "Hey, Rich, heads up! Little snack for the trip home." Snagging the blue can, Richie examined it with pleasure, "Nuts!" "Yep," Joe drawled, "that's right. Nuts." end *************************************** back to Main Page back to Highlander fanfic email: [email protected] |
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