> Oh Oracle most amazing wonderful, I grovel before your sheer brilliance
> and wit, whose puns not even Noel Coward on his best day could have
> matched,
>
> What is a good question to ask you?

You know, last time someone asked me this, I suggested asking about Monty Python's Lord of the Rings. And I fobbed them off because they hadn't asked that. So to make up for it, and because you groveled so nicely, here it is.

* * *

How to Recognize Different Ents From Quite A Long Way Away

Number One: The Larch.

Number One: The Larch.

Number One: The Larch.

Number Four: The Bristlecone Pine.

You owe the Oracle a picture of Rohan's army banging coconut halves together.

* * *

Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest terms about the preceding answer. It was nothing but a series of rehashed sketches with a few choice words added.
Yours, Arthur Philip Dent (Mrs), deep fine leg, Norfolk.

Dear Sir,
I never wanted to write this oracularity anyway. I wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!

>

Silence. The supplicant looked about in bewilderment. The Temple was usually filled with activity, but its halls were now dark and empty. No priests, no other supplicants, none of the Oracle's usual hangers-on. The supplicant nervously peered around the door to the throne room, but that was as dim and strangely quiet as the rest of the Temple.

Suddenly there was a series of beeps in rising pitch, and from an unseen source the unmistakable tones of the Oracle boomed brightly into the room.

"You've reached the home of the Internet Oracle. We're all out on an extended vacation right now, and won't be back to answer your questions for a few days. Please direct any questions you have to my temporary replacement. Thank you."

The supplicant glanced at the round black object sitting on the Oracle's throne. Oh well. An answer was an answer. The supplicant knelt before the throne, picked up the ball, and gave it a vigorous shake.

> Oh Eight-Ball most spherical, always found with deep pockets, please
> answer my humble query.
>
> I'm looking for an email program. What advice can you give me?

And in response, thus spake the Eight-Ball:

> Oh Oracle, who has never had a bomb in his life, please tell me...
> 
> I am trying to find the worst movie review from the last 12 months. The
> worst and harshest I've found so far is for "Gigli". It was even worse than
> "Stealing Harvard". Is "Gigli" really the bottom of the barrel, or is there
> something even worse out there?

Zadoc here. The Master's busy, so I'm answering a few questions for him. Actually, I've never heard of this "Gigli" thing. Is it really that bad? I'd better check. Back in a few hours.

* * *

Hi, Lisa here. Zadoc's in his room gibbering. Must have been that film he was watching. You wanted to know about really bad film reviews? Hold on, this will take some research. Later.

* * *

Hey, dude, Kendai here. Lisa's locked herself in her room and won't come out till the big O gets back. She's moaning about some trash piece of film. I guess that means I've got to answer this question. Biggest bomb of the year? I think I'll take a look at that film, see if it's as bad as Lisa and Z-boy make out.

* * *

Og here. Ken-dai in bath-room, Ken-dai no come out. Ken-dai say, Ken-dai watch real bad mov-ing pict-ure. Og not know why pict-ure so bad. Og go see.

* * *

Hello, Orrie here. I don't know what you've done to my in-jokes, but Zadoc's whimpering like a dog, Lisa won't come out of the shower, Kendai's positively ill, and Og's hunting down Ben Affleck with a spiky club. I can't say if there's a worse film than Gigli, but you've made me afraid to look.

You owe Zadoc, Lisa, Kendai and Og extensive therapy.

> how many woodchucks would it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> Why did the woodchuck cross the street?
> How can you measure the hight of a tall building w/ a woodchuck?
> How many woodchucks does it take to fill up a phonebooth?
> What is the total population of woodchucks in our multiverse?
> What are the chances of falling into a polymorph trap, changeing into a
>   woodchuck, on the oracle level?
> Is there a code to unlock a woodchuck skin in Q3A Gold Ed.?

> how many woodchucks would it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Woodchucks lack the capacity to screw in light bulbs. Mostly because they're too small and have no manual dexterity, but partly also because I switch the light on while they're trying, just to see 240 volts go through them.

> Why did the woodchuck cross the street?

In a futile attempt to escape me. It didn't work -- the rodent was run over by a bus.

> How can you measure the hight of a tall building w/ a woodchuck?

Drop the woodchuck from the top of the building, and time how long it takes to reach the ground. The formula 4.9t², where t is time in seconds, gives the approximate height in metres. In order to reduce experimental error, I'd recommend repeating the experiment at least a dozen times.

> How many woodchucks does it take to fill up a phonebooth?

At least a thousand. More if some of the woodchucks have been used to measure the height of tall buildings.

> What is the total population of woodchucks in our multiverse?

Twenty-three trillion and six (*splat*), twenty-three trillion and five (*splat*), twenty-three trillion and four (*splat*)...

> What are the chances of falling into a polymorph trap, changeing into
> a woodchuck, on the oracle level?

Blimey. Assuming no polymorph control, lycanthropy, vampirism, dragon scale armor or magic resistance, there's a four-fifths chance of changing form on a polymorph trap, times three-fifths chance that the Oracle level is deep enough for polymorph traps (ignoring the possibility of bones files), times one-seventh (approximately) chance that one of the three random traps is a polymorph trap, and with 274 possible forms to polymorph into, that makes about 1 chance in 4000. Assuming you find the trap. That's a lot of assumptions.

Actually the chance is zero, since I used the scroll I found in Asidonhopo's general store to genocide woodchucks.

> Is there a code to unlock a woodchuck skin in Q3A Gold Ed.?

I think you've pushed your luck far enough. Seven woodchuck questions and no grovel?

*ZOT!*

You owe the Oracle some time spent using woodchucks to measure the heights of skyscrapers.

> Great but Inexplicable Oracle, I can never explain you.  I tried
> telling my cousin Louie about you, and he said, "There's no such
> thing as an Omniscient Internet Oracle.  Most of the stuff you
> find on the Internet is bogus anyway.  What kind of idiot are
> you to believe in that rot?"
>
> So I'm asking you a favor.  Please do at least one of the
> following things:
>
>   1. Manifest yourself to my cousin Louie in a way that
>      would Remove All Doubt.
>
>   2. Explain yourself to me in a way that will convince
>      him of your existence.
>
>   3. Simply ZOT him.  But make sure he's got me in his
>      will, first.  He's a rich bastard, you know.
>
>   4. Tell me what kind of an idiot I am to believe this rot.
>
> Thank you,
> J. Random Supplicant

You idiot! I told you this Oracle was bogus. He's nothing but some guy at a computer, giving out advice he pulled out of his ass.

- Louie

PS: By the way, you're out of my will.

>

You are in a courtyard. Statues of centaurs line the walls. In the centre, an archway leads to a small enclave. There is a sign next to the archway. Passageways lead out of the courtyard to the east, west, and northwest.

You hear bubbling water.

> x sign

The sign reads, "The Oracle is IN."

> in

A voice calls, "Hello, supplicant, welcome to Delphi!"

You are in the Oracle's enclave. The Oracle sits here, surrounded by four fountains. The Oracle watches you carefully.

> orrie, hello

"'Hello'?! Is that what passes for groveling these days?" The Oracle sighs. "Never mind. You here for a consultation?"

> yes

"You want a major or minor one?"

> major

"All right. You're supposed to get the Amulet of Yendor, but let's face it, that's about as likely as Dubai hosting the 2018 Winter Olympics. You barely remember which end of the sword to poke monsters with. If you want my advice, you'll bugger off home while you have the chance. Your lucky number is 11.

You owe the Oracle 850 zorkmids."

> give 850 zorkmids to orrie

"Thanks. Have a nice day. And stop calling me Orrie."

> dip sword in fountain

You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts somewhat. The Oracle says, "Hey! Those fountains aren't cheap, you know!"

> dip sword in fountain

You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Oh, sure. Use up all my fountains. You adventurers are all the same. You waltz in acting like you own the place, and pick up everything that isn't nailed down."

> dip sword in fountain

You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Look, buddy, you do that one more time and I'll ZOT you. I don't care if it isn't in the rules."

> out

As you leave, the Oracle mutters, "Good riddance."

You're in the courtyard.

> w

You walk through the passageway into another room. There is a staircase down here, and exits to the east and south.

There is a food ration here. There is a glass wand here.

> get all

Food ration: taken. Glass wand: taken.

As you pick up the glass wand, the floor suddenly gives way and you fall through. You are deposited on the next level in a heap.

"Hello, supplicant, welcome to Asidonhopo's general store!"

You are in a small store. Various items are dotted about the room. Asidonhopo stands by the door.

There is a scroll here. There is a spellbook here. There is a slime mold here. There is a suspicious-looking chest here.

> x asidonhopo

Asidonhopo scowls at you. He holds a forked wand in a vaguely menacing manner.

> asidonhopo, hello

"You going to buy something, or are you just going to stand around all day and get your grubby hands all over my merchandise?"

> get scroll

Scroll: taken. "That'll be 300 zorkmids."

> out

"You're not thinking of leaving without paying, are you?"

> no

"Good. Because then I would have to hurt you. Hand over the cash."

> pay asidonhopo

"Pleasure doing business with you."

You are in a darkened passageway outside the general store. The passageway leads to a room to the south. There is a newt here.

> kill newt

With a vicious swipe, you dispatch the newt. You feel strangely tough.

> s

You are in a dark room. A staircase leads down, and passages lead north and west.

> read scroll

You hear a rumbling noise. Out of nowhere, a boulder appears and lands on your head. Ouch.

> d

In a slight daze, you clamber down the stairs.

You're in another room. They all look pretty much the same by this point. Blah, blah, exits northwest, east, southwest, up.

> nw

Someone says, "Pilgrim, you enter a sacred place!"

You are in a temple. A blood-stained altar sits in the middle of the room. Beside it, a priest slouches surlily.

> x priest

The priest is dressed in faded, worn robes that identify him as a priest of the Church of the Oracle. His demeanour gives the distinct impression he wants to be somewhere else. Looking closely at his robes, you can barely make out the word "ZADOC".

> zadoc, hello

Zadoc mutters something about the In-Joke Retirement Fund and holds out a tin cup.

> give 50 zorkmids to zadoc

Zadoc says, "Whoop-dee-do. I'm rich. That'll buy me half a potion of booze."

> s

This room features a large pit in the centre. Doorways are to the north and east. A wood nymph is here.

> x nymph

The wood nymph is a paragon of feminine beauty. Long dark hair drapes over her shoulders. She quietly hums "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". She advances on you, larceny in her deep brown eyes.

> nymph, hello

"Hello, sailor." The wood nymph makes a lunge at your backpack.

> kill nymph

The wood nymph easily dodges your clumsy attempts to hit her with your rusty sword. She says, "Look over there, a three-headed monkey!" As you turn to look, she grabs a glass wand from your backpack.

> kill nymph

The wood nymph skilfully ducks under your swing. She grabs your wrist and wrenches the sword from your grasp. She gives it a disdainful glance before concealing it somewhere on her person.

> kill nymph

With what? Your bare hands?

> yes

The wood nymph effortlessly evades your blow. She zaps a glass wand at herself and vanishes.

> e

You enter a large room. A sink is in the corner. A staircase leads down. Doorways lead to the west, north, and northeast.

A cockatrice is here.

> x cockatrice

An ugly little thing. A sort of cross between the least appealing aspects of a chicken and a lizard, but considerably worse.

> kill cockatrice

With what? Your bare hands?

> yes

As you score a direct hit on the cockatrice, it occurs to you that attacking it bare-handed was not a very clever thing to do. You make a very surprised-looking statue.

You have died.

Do you want your possessions identified?

> yes

You scored 11 points out of a possible 1000. This gives you the rank of Newt.

Would you like to (R)estart or (Q)uit?

> q

You owe... never mind, I'll just send Zadoc over with a pick-axe and take what I can find.

> It's an interview meme.  I ask you five questions which you
> answer, then in return you ask me 5 questions. But as you're
> omniscient, and because if I reply to your reply it may not get to
> you, you should be able to write out my answers to your questions too.
>
> So my 5 questions for you:
>
> 1) Where did you meet the lovely Lisa, and what was it about her
> that so attracted you to her?
>
> 2) When punishing Zadoc, what works best and why?
>
> 3) How far would I have to go to be allowed into the great Oracle
> Priesthood?
>
> 4) What sized sandals do you wear, and how do you get them to
> shine so?
>
> 5) Is it true what they say is the secret use of the Zotting
> staff, or was that just being circulated by Zadoc because he was
> jealous of Lisa?
>
> So - now you answer these 5 questions, then write the 5 questions
> you want to ask me, then  the answers to those that you know I'm
> going to give.
>
> Thanks, Great Wise Oracle!

You can't fool me, supplicant. There're eight questions in there, and you know it. Since you're not going to play fair, neither will I, so I'm going to select which five I'll answer. So there.

> 1) Where did you meet the lovely Lisa, and what
> was it about her that so attracted you to her?

That's two questions there. And I'm not going to answer either of them. Ha!

> 2) When punishing Zadoc, what works best and why?

Again, two questions. I'll answer both of these. Nothing seems to work on Zadoc, because it's almost impossible to get through to him. A good zotting makes me feel better, though.

> 3) How far would I have to go to be allowed into
> the great Oracle Priesthood?

You would have to be willing to select many of this Incarnation's Oracularities for the Digests. Not pretty, I know. (I know you're listening, Mr Chew, you picked three of mine last month.)

> 4) What sized sandals do you wear, and how do you
> get them to shine so?

Two questions again! You're really pushing your luck. Size ten-and-a-half US. How they get so shiny is my little secret.

> 5) Is it true what they say is the secret use of
> the Zotting staff, or was that just being circulated
> by Zadoc because he was jealous of Lisa?

Well, I guess that's just one question. No, Lisa does not use the Staff of Zot as an electric hair remover, Zadoc's just jealous of her silky smooth legs.

> So - now you answer these 5 questions, then write
> the 5 questions you want to ask me, then the answers
> to those that you know I'm going to give.

A> The Riemann what?

A> Um, gee, I...

A> Uh...

A> Hey, come on! Can't I have an easy one?

A> ...

> Wise Oracle,
>
> if the third time has ever been the charm,
>
> what is a "power user?"

> Wise Oracle,
>
> I've got a tricky situation on my hands.  I know in retrospect that I
> should have asked you earlier on, but I thought I could handle it
> myself, and being omniscient, O Great One whose virtues I am not
> capable of manifesting, I am sure that you know what a mess I made of
> the situation, such that none but one such as yourself, possessing the
> wisdom, patience, and perseverance of no mortal being, could possible
> untangle it all.
>
> Now, it all started when I saw this USENET message about how I could
> make money fast.  I tried it, and found it was incredibly easy, and to
> make a long story short, I made money so fast that I ended up with an
> infinite amount of it.
>
> Naturally, the IRS wanted their share and demanded an infinite amount
> of money in taxes.  Not wanted to part with my entire horde, I hired a
> man to split it into two infinite piles for me, and sent one of them
> off to the IRS.
>
> But then the man claimed that he had an infinite number of billable
> hours, and even at minimum wage, that's a hefty chunk of change.
>
> Luckily, I came up with the idea of hiring someone else to split my
> infinite remaining money into THREE piles, after which I proceeded to
> give the first pile as payment to my first sorter, the second pile to
> my second sorter, and the third to ensure my own financial security.
>
> I thought I was pretty brilliant to come up with that solution,
> actually.  But then the next day I went to the store to buy a quart of
> milk, only to find that due to recent inflation, they were charging an
> infinite amount of money for it.
>
> So, O Oracle Most Wise and Resourceful, can you please tell me how I
> might restore the U.S. economy and save the world from financial
> disaster?

I'm sure you're familiar with the old equation:

Since you have infinite money, this means either you did an infinite amount of work (which is clearly impossible) or your knowledge is zero. So the first matter would be to accumulate some knowledge, no matter how small, so the money will collapse into a finite sum.

On the other hand, you could send all those infinite dollars to me. Since I'm omnipotent, I can do an infinite amount of work. But since I'm omniscient, I have infinite knowledge, so the equation becomes:

But Time is Money and Knowledge is Power so:

My power is infinite, so I can finish any amount of work in finite time, and therefore finish with finite money. Problem solved.

You owe the Oracle an infinite number of dollars.

> Oh Oracle, I grovel before your supreme and total brillia...
>
> HEY! Did you just steal my lunch?

Consider it payment in advance.

You owed the Oracle your lunch.

> Oh Oracle Most Wise and Fiber-rich,
>
> Am I correct in understanding that the role of your Priests is
> to separate the wheat from the chaff, and then Oracularize the
> chaff?

No, no. That wouldn't account for the occasional funny one making the Digests. The Digests are selected by throwing darts. It's hell on the monitors, but much easier than actually reading the damn things.

> What's the difference between Pandora's box
> and Orion's belt?

Orion has to remove one before he gets at the other.

You owe the Oracle Achilles' heel.

> Why is the girl with the black hair pretending to be dead?  It's like,
> it's over with, and making everyone think she's dead will next make
> them think she's a screwball idiot.

Never ends, does it? Though what can you expect from some kid who runs away from home to live with seven short hairy guys constantly smelling of sweat and coal dust?

First it was that "wicked stepmother" spiel. As if the queen would be stupid enough to have her husband's only daughter killed. Wouldn't somebody, y'know, notice?

Then there was the incident with the comb. Why would the queen venture out alone into dangerous woods, just to "poison" some pretty little girl? A likely story. And the dwarves were dumb enough to fall for it a second time, too.

And the apple thing! Jeez, if the queen wanted her dead so badly, why not just slit her damn throat already? So now she fakes her death *again*, and then runs off with a guy who likes to make out with dead chicks. Eurgh.

You owe the Oracle a book of believable fairy tales.

> Bless the Oracle who gives straight judgements to strangers and to
> the men & women of the land, and goes not aside from what is just.
> And lucky those who mind the words of the Oracle, their cities
> flourishes, and the people prosper in it: Peace, the nurse of
> children, is abroad in their land, and cruel war against them
> happens not.
>
> How does an orc differ from an Oakland Raiders fan?

There you go. The difference is in the team colours.

You owe the Oracle two tickets to the Uruk-Hai Warriors - Oakland Raiders match.

> The long march has ended, I am where I want to be. I am
> before the Wise Oracle, I bow low and speak my mind,
> 
> Can education in California get any worse?

> Possessing great scholarly learning, the Oracle is great. He would
> never fall for the "Hey, your shoes are untied" prank. He is just
> too darn smart for that,
>
> Are there any limitations or exclusions to the Accidental Answer
> coverage?

> Oracle dude,
>
> Can I use the word "tits" here?

On the sole condition that your discussion is limited to ornithology.

You owe the Oracle two boobies.