| Letters to M Stuck 11/6/05 |
| I�m just a little bit stuck. On you. This is a problem. You see, I�m kinda done with all of this now. I really really want to move on. Date. Find love. Have that big brilliant dazzling future that I can share with someone. Over and again I tell myself that there is nothing holding me back, no reason why this can�t happen. This is logic. You are not logical. You are like this never-ending carnival ride that I can�t find the stop button for. You are the whisper in my ear of everything perfect, everything that can�t be ruined. In a not so great time in my life, you were everything I needed you to be. However, my life is going really great now and I don�t need you like I needed you then. But try to tell my insides that. Some days, I think that it would be easier if you had died. It would have been horrible, and it would carry that horrible echo everyday. But there wouldn�t be any self-doubt. And there wouldn�t be this awful waiting. There wouldn�t be possibility. That is what comforts and kills me in unequal measures the way things are now. When I am feeling very cosmic and zen, it is comforting, this interior knowledge/delusion that all is not lost, what once was can be again regained in some fashion. When I am living in the real world, the one where I just want to be a part of it....the possibility kills me. Because if I move on, and you return....I don�t want to lose you again. And I know what I�m losing if I don�t move on. I�m losing my present. I�m losing my future. I�m losing the chance to find love outside of you. And probably a good chunk of my sanity and goodwill along the way. Yet, if I move on, whether you ever speak to me again or not...I lose you and all possibility of you. And that�s a decision that I have to make. It�s not like if you died. The decision would have been made. You would leave, never to return. I would grieve, but then move on. Because there would be nothing left to do. As it stands now, I grieve the loss of you and wait. And at the same time, I am grieving the loss of what I may have without you. The time is coming when I will have to choose which grief I can live with. Because I can�t keep mourning both ways. I can�t hold out hope for ever. I can�t destroy myself in the hope and the waiting. I need to take a deep breath and step away from the wall, let go of the support. There�s a whole big world out there, waiting to be lived in. I can�t cling to the side, in the desire for you to take my hand and be beside me. Because you aren�t there, and you may never be there again. It�s hard. Really, really hard. I don�t know if I can do it yet. I want to. Most days. I need to start believing in the possibility of MY future. Not ours. After all, if you are meant to be beside me, it won�t matter how far I move on, you will find me. But I can�t pretend to move on like I have been doing. The pretense where really you are in the background of my mind at all times, my crutch, the ace up my sleeve, the if-it-doesn�t-work-out-maybe-she�ll-come-back card. That�s the one I live with every day. I need to let you go all the way. Play fair with my heart and not play safe. I can�t do it just yet. Maybe soon. I�m so tired of being busy, of keeping busy. So tired. I�m scared too. Giving you up is losing you, mourning you all over again. I don�t know if I have the energy to do that right now. Maybe soon. Letters Home |
| "You are like this never-ending carnival ride that I can�t find the stop button for." |