LATE-NIGHT CURSES FOR OUR 'LOCAL' CABLE COMPANY

by Charlie Clark

It was 3 a.m., and my insomnia was ruthless.

The cause, on that black night last week, might have been a mislabeled cup of after-dinner ``decaf." But more likely, it was my inner desperation to learn results of the Florida recount.

Flinging the bedcovers over the face of the wife, I grabbed my robe and repaired to the TV room, where, at the top of the hour, I flipped on my faithful CNN Headline News.

But instead of the up-to-the minute scoop on dimpled chads and lawyers taking charge of the popular franchise, I got a local civics lesson. There sat Arlington School Board member Elaine Furlow, whom I know and admire, solemnly holding forth on the accomplishments of our community's public educators. This, while the fate of the presidency is at stake?

In a panic, I channel-surfed for the latest developments, only to be thwarted by images of weather maps, Cary Grant movies and home-shopping product close-ups. For a fog-brained political junkie, this was indeed a painful denial.

Actually, this wasn't my first encounter with Headline News preemptions. Since the dawn of this longest Election Day, I'd been force-fed interviews with School Board Chair Libby Garvey, Arlington County Board member Jay Fisette and state Sen. Patsy Ticer, all fielding softball questions from some nondescript hostess displaying scant familiarity with local issues.

It brought me back to my love-hate relationship with cable. In its early years, I was naive enough to think the existence of monthly fees would mean that viewers would be spared an onslaught of advertisements.

And though I'm hooked on cable's movies, sports, comedy and news, I've always felt there was something spooky about an industry in which regional conglomerates win sole-provider local contracts to splice in hometown ads around national programming.

On this wee-hours occasion, I decided to communicate my complaint to this new company called Comcast. They don't make it easy.

Fumbling for my monthly cable bill (imprinted with the slogan ``Connecting people to what's important in their lives!"), I called the 24-hour customer service number. Expecting to interrupt some drowsy, Gen-X technician at a console on automatic pilot, I was routed into voice-mail purgatory.

``For Cable TV services, press 1; for home-Internet service, press 2; for system updgrade. . . ." I gave up and called the other number on the bill, which gets you the county cable administrator. After hearing her recording warily explaining that ``this is not the cable company," I left her a piece of my mind, asked that she call me back during daytime hours, and staggered upstairs to sleep.

Next morning, I logged onto Comcast's Web site, where I found a browser that allows you to locate your local cable office by Zip code. But there was no phone number or address for the company's Philadelphia headquarters.

Again, I called the Arlington Comcast office and, posing as a rotary phone owner, I got an employee who said she had never heard of local interviews during Headline News. I tried getting a message to another Comcast technician through a local TV contact, but he never returned my call.

So I called Elaine Furlow for background, and assured her that my complaint was no slur on her telegenic qualities. I called Headline News in Atlanta, and was told that their role in this arrangement was purely technical.

Then I got a call-back from Arlington cable administrator Gail Lucas, who said she'd received several similar complaints. But local authorities, she explained, have no input into nightly programming decisions, only broad program categories.

Lucas gave me the number of Comcast's Alexandria-based government affairs representative, who referred me to Baltimore-based PR man Mitchell Schmale. This spokesman explained that Comcast has an agreement with CNN to permit multiple local cable providers an ``insert capability" during the last five minutes of each Headline News national half-hour cablecast.

Notwithstanding my clear memory of my insomniac's ordeal, only entertainment news, not political news, is pre-empted, he assured me, to provide this valued service for local officials and nonprofits. CNN transmits a tone that prevents the local insert from bleeding into the national broadcast at the top and bottom of the hour.

``If the interview goes over by even a few seconds, we re-shoot it," he said. ``We are very cognizant that people want their news." So, did it really take a dozen phone calls over three days and several bucks in long-distance charges to get this answer from my ``local" cable provider?

Or was it all just a dream?

Charlie Clark is a frequent contributor to The Idler, and the author of Finish High School At Home. He will be reading from and signing paperback copies of his book in Baltimore at the bookstore Book Rendezvous on Friday, Dec. 15, at 7:00. Wine and cheese will be served. Below are directions:

Book Rendezvous. In downtown Baltimore on Charles Street, turn right on Conway, and follow it all the way down to Inner Harbor. Turn left and follow the snake-around until you're on Calvert Street. You'll cross Pratt, then Baltimore Street...and Book Rendezvous is on Calvert between Baltimore Street and Fayette Street. It'll be on the right-hand side. Metered parking stops at 6 p.m. There's also a public parking lot around the corner on Fayette, but be advised that, like most downtowns, all the streets are one-way. Phone number: 410-583-3205.