CHAPTER 25
"Do you know which room Dad is in?" Emily asked A.J.
"Yes. I'll take you."
Monica and Ned were talking outside Alan's room when they arrived.
"Any word?" A.J. asked Monica.
"Alan's awake but still very out of it. Edward wanted to be alone with him. Do you want to see him?"
"I will. Later. If you get a chance, can you come by Dad's office? I need to talk with you."
Monica was puzzled by A.J.'s request but said she would stop by.
A.J. returned to Alan's office. He called Keesha and left a message to page him.
As A.J. waited for his mom to arrive, he looked around his father's office as if seeing it for the first time. He noticed the many awards and plaques that lined one wall, the bookcases that held the medical journals his father poured over to increase his already vast knowledge, and the leather binders which contained numerous papers he had written and speeches he had given. A.J.'s eyes came to rest on Alan's title: Chief of Staff. He knew his father had many accomplishments. He also knew that he could have and probably should have taken more of an interest in Alan's career the way Jason had. But the truth was, medicine did not interest him. And the fact that he could not pretend it did caused even more friction between him and his father. In fact, whenever he thought of his father, in any capacity, he could only recall the bad memories, the harsh words, and the cruel insults hurled during heated moments. Why, he asked himself, couldn't he see the man who occupied this office and whom Jason had admired before the accident, the one awarded the plaques so prominently displayed, the man his mother so dearly loved? What was wrong with him that he couldn't see the same man that everyone else saw?
He picked up the family portrait his father kept on his credenza and gazed at it. He had posed for the picture to appease his mom and nothing more. They could pose for a hundred "family" portraits, he thought, and yet, in every sense of the word, they were not family. At least, he never felt they were.
Thinking about family reminded him of Carly, and as he stood in his father's office, he realized he may be a father himself. She may have given birth to her baby. He knew there would be no family portraits for the three of them. He wondered if he ever would have a family portrait of his own that would mean something. And, he thought, if Carly's baby is mine, am I doomed to repeat the mistakes of my father and his father, or can I be the one who breaks the cycle and is able to love my child unconditionally? He was lost in thought when Monica entered the room.
"A.J.?" she said a second time.
He turned, startled to see his mom standing behind him.
"Mom! Hi. I didn't hear you come in," he said, returning the frame to its place.
"I know. You were miles away."
"I was thinking about Dad. Did you see him?"
"Very briefly. We didn't talk."
"Have you heard from Justus?"
"Not yet."
Monica seemed distracted. A.J. told her they could talk another time.
"No, A.J. I'd like to hear what's on your mind."
"You may not like it," he warned.
"Try me," she said, heading for the couch. A.J. followed.
"It's about Carly and me," he said, gauging Monica's reaction.
"You mentioned she was in labor. Did she have the baby?"
"I'm not sure. I left a message for Keesha, but I haven't heard back."
"So, what about you and Carly?" Monica asked, trying to stay focused.
A.J. decided to get right to the point. "I wasn't completely honest with you when you asked me why Carly set me up. I knew the reason. She wanted me out of the picture because we slept together this past April when I really did fall off the wagon and had a blackout." He paused before continuing. "Because of that, there's a possibility I could be the father of Carly's baby."
Monica was dazed. "You...you could be the father? Of Carly's baby?"
A.J. nodded. "I wanted to wait until the paternity test was done. If it turned out I wasn't the father, I thought nothing ever needed to be said, but I couldn't live with my conscience or Carly's threats anymore. I told Tony the whole ugly story, and now I'm telling you."
"And you were drunk the night this happened?"
"Yes," A.J. answered softly.
Monica didn't say anything, but A.J. saw the disappointment in her eyes. Or was it weariness? He wasn't sure.
"Mom," A.J. said, needing and wanting her support. "I'm not proud of this, believe me, but the truth is I could be the father. And if I am, I want a voice and a presence in my child's life."
"A.J., I'm speechless. Absolutely speechless." Monica didn't know how she was supposed to react, but the truth was, she had no reaction. She was numb.
"I know you're disappointed in me," A.J. said, rising from the couch. He turned away, unable to endure his mother's disapproval. "I'm disappointed in myself. This is not the way I envisioned becoming a parent. But I have to live with the consequences of my actions."
Monica stood and forced him to look at her. "A.J., I don't know how I feel about this. I'm numb. My brain has gone into overload. I can't absorb any more information."
"I can see it in your eyes, Mom. You don't have to say anything."
"A.J., how can you tell me how I feel when *I* don't know? I need time."
He nodded. "I'm sorry I'm always the one bringing you bad news."
Monica shook her head. "It's not that you bring me bad news..."
She stopped when A.J.'s pager beeped.
"It's Keesha. May I ask her to come here?"
Monica nodded. She walked to the window while A.J. called. The sun was beginning to set on another late fall day. A chill went through her as she viewed the colorful leaves swirling in the street. She felt cold inside. She didn't know if she would ever feel warm again. Her husband was lying in a hospital bed going through withdrawal from painkillers, and now her son was telling her he might be a father, making her a grandmother. Of Carly's baby! How much could she endure? she asked herself.
A.J. noticed the faraway look in his mom's eyes as he hung up the phone. He couldn't imagine all the thoughts that were playing havoc with her sanity, but he was sincerely sorry for the ones he had caused.
He saw her shiver and rub her arms for warmth. He placed his hands on her shoulders in an attempt to comfort. She stiffened in response and told him she was fine. He reluctantly removed his hands.
"Does Keesha have news?" Monica asked, turning to face A.J. "Is she coming?"
"Yes."
A moment later there was a soft knock on the door. A.J. greeted Keesha while ushering her into the office. He closed the door behind him.
"Monica, hi," Keesha said, giving her a brief hug. "I'm so sorry about Alan."
"Thank you," she said and gave a small smile.
"What's the news about Carly and the baby?" A.J. asked.
Keesha looked from Monica to A.J. who indicated it was fine to talk in front of his mom.
"She gave birth a little while ago to a baby girl. She weighs only 3 lbs., 6 oz., so she's in an incubator in neo-natal ICU. Carly is in recovery until the anesthesia wears off."
A.J. sat on the corner of his father's oak desk.
"I can't believe she had the baby. How was Tony?"
"He seemed all right. The nurse was taking him to see the baby when I left."
"You haven't seen her?" Monica asked.
Keesha shook her head and looked at A.J. "I wanted to wait for you."
"Shall we go?" he asked, suddenly feeling very anxious at the prospect of possibly seeing his child for the first time.
Monica checked her pager. Justus had called.
"I need to meet with Justus. You go ahead. I'll catch up with you later if I can. And A.J., we have a lot to talk about once I have the situation with Alan under control." Monica's voice was grim.
He nodded. "I know."
She said good-bye and left to meet Justus.
"Monica's not doing well, is she?" Keesha asked, concerned.
"No. And most of it is my fault. Even though my mom didn't come right out and say it, I could tell I disappointed her greatly and added to her already heavy burden when I told her I might be the father of Carly's baby. Why didn't I wait until the paternity test had been done like I'd planned?" He ran a hand through his hair, silently berating himself.
"A.J., you can't blame yourself. You made a decision. Something must have been propelling you to tell your mom. You shouldn't feel guilty."
"What if I am the father, Keesha? That little girl will be depending on me for her needs, her wants. We're talking about a baby. A living, breathing human who's entered the world fighting for her life. No wonder my mom reacted the way she did. She's probably thinking there's no way I have any business raising a child. And you know what? She's right."
"Is that what you really believe, A.J.?" Keesha probed, trying to read him. "Or is this because Monica didn't react the way you expected?"
"I don't know," he admitted honestly. "Keesha, I'd never seriously thought about fatherhood until I found out I could be this baby's father. Now that Carly has given birth, the very idea terrifies me. I have to deal with the fact that I might have a daughter."
"And if you do have a daughter, A.J., don't you think you'll be able to love her and take care of her and be there for her to the best of your ability?"
"That's my hope, Keesha, but the truth is I'm more afraid of repeating the past. My past and my father's past. Will I know how to love this baby unconditionally if she is mine? Will I know how to make a good life for her? She's not starting out under the best of circumstances. Carly's in distress, and neither possible father is a love match for her. I feel as though this is my birth all over again. And we know how well my life turned out."
"Yes, you've had problems, A.J., but look how much you've overcome. Look how far you've progressed. You're not going to know everything there is to parenting in one day. But you'll learn from your experiences and your mistakes. And you'll grow. For what it's worth, A.J., yes, I think you will know how to love this baby unconditionally. I think your past is what's going to help you be a good father."
"I wish I had your confidence, Keesha. Maybe once I see the baby, I'll feel differently."
"I think you will. Why don't we go see her?"
As A.J. turned off the lights and locked his father's office, he made a promise to himself that no matter what the future held, if this baby was his, he would never give her any reason to feel about him the way he felt about his father. What he didn't know about love he would learn. As Keesha placed her arm through his and gave him an encouraging smile, he realized the one person who could teach him about love was already in his life. And she had already begun to show him the way.