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| Silver and Black To Attack Iraq |
April 4, 2003 |
| Baghdad-- President Bush has approved a plan to send 3,000 additional troops to Baghdad for a full scale urban invasion. The elite unit, comprosed entirely of beligerant Oakland Raider football fans, should arrive by the end of next week. According to military planners in the Bush administration, the new troops should end the war in no less than five days. Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld praised the plan, calling it a stroke of military genius. "I wish I had thought of the idea. [Raider fans] are the best in the business when it comes to urban warfare," he said. "They can physically break into anything, grab Saddam, and be out of there in seconds. Hell, they'd probably take the DVD player and silverware on the way out." Raider fans gained notoriety in January, when their rioting and looting caused chaos and panic in the city of Oakland. Their team lost the Super Bowl to the Tampa Bay Bucaneers, but the loss was merely an excuse to go out and wreak havoc. Rumsfeld discussed the strategy for the incursion into Baghdad. "We'll shuttle in the sliver-and-black, and let them do what they do best. We're going to play the video tape of their losing Super Bowl game as well as pump AC/DC through the speakers before we unleash them. It should get them riled up enough." Raider fans are especially suited for shattering glass, starting fires, and breaking-and-entering into secure facilities. The Bush administration believes they are a cost-effective method of accomplishing military objectives. White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher explained that the cost of sending Raider fans into Iraq was less than the cost of one cruise missile. "We basically pay for airfare. When it comes to the war aspect, Raider fans will equip themselves with anything they can find or steal," he said. "They're a resourceful bunch." He also mentioned the aspect of psychological operations, or psy-ops, which has become a well used term. "If you see an inebriated man carrying a 40 while dressed in all black with his face painted silver, wouldn't you be scared? The mere sight of a Raider fan can bring Saddam Hussein to a peacful surrender." |
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