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| Foreign Invasion Replaces Baseball as America's Favorite Pastime |
| April 26, 2003 |
| The successful war in Iraq and subsequent military occupation has led Americans to adopt foreign invasion as their new preferred source of recreation, according to a recent Gallup Poll. The poll involved phone interviews with 50,000 Americans, who overwhelmingly indicated that their fervor for foreign political news far outweighed any penchant for baseball, or any other sport. "Military invasion has it all," Gallup spokesperson Phillip Watkins said. "Invasions feature a protagonist and an antagonist, with several exciting side stories that can develop. Throw in the violence and gore, and you've got something that everyone wants to watch." Watkins and his colleagues spent two months compiling the data, which was collected over a period of three years. The numbers show a waning interest in baseball ever since Mark McGwire retired in 2001. Barry Bonds' record-setting 73 homerun season seemed to cap off the peak of baseball's popularity. "Baseball just doesn't do it for anyone anymore," Watkins said. "Hardly anyone throws intentionally at batter's heads, and if they do, nobody charges the mound anymore. It's a little different in war. Everyone wants to live vicariously through soldiers." The poll also indicated that Americans want to see more action. Most people saw Iraq as a mere stepping stone towards complete global dominance. Susan Reynolds, a homemaker in Atlanta, Georgia, described her feelings toward military action. "I hear Syria has been bad," she said. "I'm not sure what they did, or where they are for that matter, but I definitely advocate sending troops in." Syria has been criticized by the Bush administration for harboring Iraqi officials. Last week an oil pipeline from Iraq to Syria was shut down by U.S. forces. President Bush stressed the importance or diplomacy toward Syria at this time, but White House sources say "he's just trying to build up the suspense." Bush has allegedly already begun war plans to take Syria, and is having staffers draw plans for invasion of North Korea, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and France. The remaining baseball fans have tolerated the public's new interest in foreign invasion, and emphasize that the two are not mutually exclusive. "We can easily have both remain popular at the same time," baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said. "We're already working on some minor changes in the game. We hope that camoflauge uniforms, armed players and the introduction of the M1-Abrams tank into the game will recapture the interests of young baseball spectators." Baseball advocates have criticized war marketing, which they claim has captured and hooked youngsters. Toys such as the "Iraqi 55" playing cards, Saddam Hussein vs. George W. Bush action figures, and the traditional plastic army men are popular in toy stores. Baseball toys, such as baseball cards, wiffle balls and bats, and baseball video games have lost market share since 2000. Melinda Harris, mother of two from Manassas, Virginia, said that her twin boys do nothing but play war now. Once die-hard Baltimore Orioles fans, the duo spend their afternoons playing a game they call "Hide-and-go-Saddam". Harris explained that the boys never tired of the game. "They play it over and over again. It's just like how it's played in real life." |
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| AMERICANS ANXIOUS FOR INVASION OF SYRIA, IRAN, SAUDI ARABIA, AND FRANCE |