As the Chancellor to Baptists, it has been brought to the Bureau's attention that some students have been less than pleased with the increasing volume of Chapel Music at DBU. Indeed, all those who oppose dualism and seek to be good stuards with all God has given them (bodies included) have pleaded for two semesters to be relieved of such loudness, but their cries seem to have fallen on deaf ears! I believe that an attempt at remediation is in order.

For the sake of peace among the DBU brethren, I ask you, who oppose "loud music," to consider the spiritual benefits you miss out on by missing chapel for such a reason.

1. By attending chapel, you become better at keeping secrets. People whisper them in your ear in confidence, but you didn't actually hear anything. Your Christian witness will soar and people will wonder how you managed to always keep their confidence! For those who plan on counseling others or working in the church, this strength is a must.

2. Theoreticaly, students who attend chapel in DBU have much more succesful marriages. As a result of their deafness, they find it difficult to recall as single time they heard their spouses say anything disagreeable. When disagreements do arise, they seldom last for very long, and most have trouble remembering what they were fighting about in the first place. Wives also seem to contradict their husbands less often in DBU Chapel related mariages.

3. People often look at DBU chapel attendees in a more appreciative light, because they don't have to talk about them behind their back anymore. All they have to do is make sure they keep smiling while the DBU Chapel student looks at them.

4. DBU Chapel students no longer have to worry about pretending they didn't here something either. Chances are, they didn't here it anyway. (Ignorance is bliss policy)

5. DBU Chapel attendees also seem to have better children. Often, when they have infants in the home, former Chapel attendees comment on how their children are so quiet, and they seldom even hear them cry at night. Statistically most of these children have also grown up to be independant and self sufficient.

6. DBU Chapel attendees also have a lower percentage of becoming cult members. As a result of their hearing deficits, the cult leaders (or even the occasional un-orthodox chapel speaker) seems to have little or no effect on the regular attendee.

1. It has been rumored that a certain allumni named Paul, who was waiting for his nose job in the plastic surgery waiting room, THOUGHT he heard the doctor call his name. Unfortunately, He went in under the wrong name. Consequently, Rather than getting a nose job, he was turned into the person we now call, RuPaul. Of course, thats just a rumor.

2. Another major issue, brought to us by the Calvinist faction here at the Bureau is that Chapel tends to be anti-evangelistic. The scripture is clear that FAITH COMES BY HEARING the Word of God. How will they believe if they do not hear? (Rom. 10:17) The sign language people are only present for the music (aid to fourth year attendees?) and no interpretation is provided for the message.

3. Furthermore, the "liberal arts" nature of the school is injured if students cannot hear their proffesors in class. Oral quiz grades, and assignments not listed on the sylabus all become dangers for the student who persistently attends chapel and strives to maintain a solid GPA.

4. It is also rumored that a grounds crew member who attended chapel regularly, painted the walls in the "suites" dormitory for girls. After he finished the job, he was exiled somewhere deep in lower Lange. He still insists he followed directions exactly like he heard them.

5. It is also hard to manipulate yourself into an ecstatic emotional experience if you can't hear any rythms or beats. A lesser volume would provide for a more prolonged sense of pleasure. Have we learned nothing from the Utilitarianism of Jeremy Bentham?

Remember as you seek mediation between one another, that you endeavor to tell the TRUTH IN LOVE. Unity cannot exist without like mindedness, but neither can it exist without love! As long as we live for ourselves and divide over "selfish issues" we can never fully be the BODY as it was intended to be. We must submit ourselves, as limbs of the body, to the commands of the head! Hey, hey?

Aut Agere Aut Mori,

Chancellor Barkley