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| Published on July 21, 2004 in Velocity Weekly. Yada Yada Yada All I'm saying is... I'm a tough guy, but these insects are really bugging me. I hate bugs. As a tough, macho guy, I probably shouldn't admit it but they give me the creeps. Recently, one of those unsightly 17-year cicadas landed on my arm. Honestly, I didn't even know I was capable of a scream like that. It's weird; bugs never bothered me as a kid. I had no problem catching them for bait or feeding them to the cat. But now that I'm older, I want nothing to do with them. Be it a bumblebee, horsefly or your hard-working army ant, there's no better summer sound than that crunching noise they make when you step on them. A couple of days ago, I was watching a television talk show that featured an expert on this topic. He explained that there are 10 to 30 million species of bugs in the world today, all of which are pretty much on the bottom of the food chain. They provide food for larger animals, other bugs and human beings. Human beings? Naturally, I find this a little hard to swallow. Unless starving in the woods, going through military training or just super-drunk, I can't imagine why anybody would voluntarily consume these creepy-crawlies. Spiders are the worst. With the exception of Charlotte, the friendly and talented arachnid from "Charlotte's Web," I've never been able to look at one without a shiver going down my spine. Meanwhile, bees will sting you, mosquitoes will bite you and termites will literally eat you out of house and home. Flies can ruin a picnic, beetles will eat your crops away and roaches are dirtier than most used car salesmen. Insects can spread disease, give you itchy bumps and basically ruin your life. What's even more frightening...those same traits completely describe my ex-girlfriend. To be fair, not all bugs are bad. Butterflies are great. They're peaceful, graceful and beautiful. They are the ballet dancers of the insect community. Lightning bugs are my favorite. Fun to look at, and they provided my sister and me many pleasant childhood memories. To this day, I still feel bad when one of them gets plastered to my windshield. Ladybugs aren't bad, either. One has never tried to sting or bite me, and they're pretty cool looking when they fly. Plus, with a name like that, it's difficult to kill something that might be someone's mother. Seventeen years from now, I'll be almost 50 years old. I will probably have a wife and a couple kids. By then I will have experienced almost everything that life has to offer. With a house, a job and a family, I simply won't have the time or the energy to worry about the return of the hideous red-eyed cicadas. However, if another one lands on me, I hope my kids don't lose respect when they hear their old man screaming. |