and all through the town
Folks were a-scurrying
around and around.
Drawn, harried looks
on every single face
tugging behind them children
acting like a disgrace.
The lack of sleep, money,
and good Christmas cheer;
The forgotten resolution
to shop early this year,
Embitters all late shoppers
and turns them quite insane.
Even though they themselves
are the ones to blame.
I travel to dreaded Walmart
one fine Saturday morn.
I just need some dog food
and maybe some soft porn (aka: smut book)
I fight my way through
to get my couple of things
get to the express checkout
tears to my eyes it brings
20 items or less
the line a mile long,
I knew, I just knew
something would go wrong
Maybe price check or shift change?
Hot credit card?
Some guy standing behind me
breathing really hard?
Maybe I'll get lucky
and only an ex-boyfriend I'll see.
But you know I'm not that lucky
It could only happen to me.
Standing there in line
with heavy breather in back
I could do no less
than have a panic attack
There before my wondering
eyes did appear
the Salvation Army Santa
running in fear
Dodging carts
jumping displays
Twitching and turning
in all kinds of ways
I looked to see
what could scare this man so.
What I saw made me drop
the dog food on my toe
40 pounds of agony
was not even enough
to move me into leaving
right then-minus stuff.
Trailing behind Santa
lurching through the door
Came pamphlet waiving hussies
in parties of four
The parties split up
to harass every soul
One started towards me
with determination and goal.
A fanatical light gleamed
in four sets of eyes.
I'm rooted to the spot
with 40 pounds of supplies.
The ladies start screaming
about commercialism and greed
and "Don't you know,
there are people in need?"
"In need of the gospel"
is what the harpies declared
In need of "the word"
Am I prepared?
Ready for life in the
fiery pits of hell?
For that's where I'm going
if I don't listen well.
At this point, I snap,
I'm not in the mood.
I just want to go home
with my stupid dog food.
I say, "Listen here,
you miserable old biddy."
"Don't scream at me again,
for it will be a pity."
"I'll empty this bag
and stuff you inside,
slap a gift tag on your ass
and go for a ride"
"To the church we will go
and-oh wonderful yule-
I'll drown your sorry behind
in the baptismal pool.
She eyed me warily
and then started to yell
"Oh, oh my God!
You're going to hell!"
As she reddened and sputtered
I pointed behind.
"Spit it out, you old witch,
You don't have much time."
"If you'll just take a look
over there by the cookies,
bearing down on us now
are the security guard rookies."
She's then forcefully wrangled
along with her friends
Away from the public-
What a sorry end.
Tiredly, I finally
get up to check out.
The cashier gave me a look
and asked, "What was that about?"
I shrugged my weary shoulders
and got to the door.
I get past the evil receipt-checker
and finally leave the store.
Make my way home
through traffic and noise.
Glad I already shopped
for my kids' Christmas toys.
I lug the dog food
in the door and I sigh.
Wonderful to be home
where at last I can try
to sit down and relax
with a hot cup of tea.
Flip through some magazines
or possibly read.
It's then that I realize
with a horrified look
I walked out of Walmart
and forgot my smut book.
