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| Happy Holidays! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Samantha's tips on how to cope with holiday get-togethers at your home. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1) Make sure you take care of yourself. You have a lot of work to do, and nobody will care for you but yourself. Don't forget that work out! Set yourself up with your own "private place". It needs to be dim, quiet, and preferably sound-proofed so no one can hear your screams and cries of frustration. It also needs to be equipped with a nice, sturdy, kickable box. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, here is the get-together preparation timeline: | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1) One Month Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Decide what kind of decorations you want for your table. Buy fabric and create masterpieces of placemats, napkins, and napkin rings. Don't forget the breadcloth! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 2) Three Weeks Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Decide on your menu. Coordinate menu with family members that know how to cook. The relatives and/or friends who can't cook can bring the plastic and paperware. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 3) Two Weeks Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Go grocery shopping. Make chocolate covered cherries. Wash and iron placemats and napkins. Arrange on dining room table. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 4) Week and a Half Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Make other candies. Reshop for the groceries your pig family got into and ate (cookies, crackers, etc). Deep clean house (scrub light switches, dust, Resolve the couch, etc). Visit private place. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 5) Week Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Remake candies your pig family ate (try threatening them to stay away). Reshop (again, threatening sometimes works well). Sweep and mop floors. Scrub bathroom and kitchen surfaces. Make sure your handtowels and all other linens are clean. Enlist your family's help with the cleaning. Checking off items on a list can be very gratifying. Try giving them such a list. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 6) 6 Days Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Reenlist your family's help in the house cleaning that did not get done. Go to private place. Decide what bowls, silverware, etc. you're going to need. Purchase whatever is lacking. Put turkey in fridge to thaw. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 7) 5 Days Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Reiron napkins and placemats that your pig family has carelessly place books and bookbags and various other things on. Threaten. Visit private place. Ask family's help again in house cleaning. Threaten. When you get absolutely no reaction or an "in a minute", visit private place. Begin frantically cleaning in hopes your family will feel sorry for you and help. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 8) 4 Days Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Shop for groceries you either forgot or didn't realize you'd need. Rescrub bathroom your pig family dirtied up. Rewash hand towels your 4-year-old got the dirty chocolate evidence from his candy theiving on. Go to private place. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 9) 3 Days Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Confirm menu with guests. Make cheese log. Tell family you want the house to look like Martha Stewart lives there and to get cleaning. Use threatening tone. When you get no reaction, visit private place. Get to cleaning. Don't give in to husband's request to go ahead and make pumpkin pies. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10) Day Before | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Make pumpkin pies (late at night after your pig family has gone to bed). Don't forget that work out! Make seven layer salad. Clean microwave. Straighten silverware drawer. Tell family "goodnight". Realize house still isn't clean. Go to private place. After crying fit has passed, go to bed and get a good night sleep. You'll need it! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 11) Day of get-together | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 5 am - Get up and put turkey in oven-don't forget to turn the oven on. Go back to bed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 5:15 am (or as soon as you get comfy in your bed) - Realize you woke your 4-year-old up and he's playing Transformers in the living room. Get up, feed & water son, make coffee, go to private place, then take shower. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 6 am - Start cleaning house loudly so as to awaken husband. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 6:30 am - Realize your husband is using his earplugs. Go to bedroom and turn on light. Again, enlist his help. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 7:00 am - Realize your husband is not getting up. Go to private place. Clean bedroom - loudly. At this point, make sure there is no coffee left for husband. Also, make sure pies are well-hidden. Sit down and relax for 30 seconds. Remember--TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE IT. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 7:30 am - Glare at husband who has crawled out of bed to go to sleep in the recliner--don't be too angry, though. This is how he watches the boy so you can get on with the housecleaning he didn't do. Instead of screaming, visit private place. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 8:00 am - Get ready to look your best! Mom is coming! Realize you forgot to do laundry and also left your curling iron at the office. Go to private place, then do laundry. Also, give yourself and extra hour that you don't have to arrange an updo. At this point, you may need to get that bag of peas out of the freezer to help decrease the swelling of your eyes. Don't forget the Visene! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 11:00 am - Your sister arrives. Smile! Don't forget to remind your husband not to ask where the harpy he's been living with the last two weeks has gone off to. Threaten if necessary. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 11:01 am - When your sister asks what she can do to help, tell her. You know she really doesn't want to do anything, but hey, she asked. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 11:30 am - Mom arrives. HINT: It doesn't matter what you do at this point. Just remember to smile and know that after everyone leaves, you'll have an extended weekend to spend in your very own private place. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And again, | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Happy Holidays! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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