1. Incessant use of the word "musky." Ask yourself. Is this really a GOOD smell?

2. "Cocksuckers, Bungholes & Cunts" - An interesting name for a musical group? Maybe. Good phrases for erotic writing? Hardly.

3. "Bowel Movements & All Their Delightful Trappings" - I really don't know why I have to say this, but there is NOTHING sexy about defecation and its results. And if there is, I'm sorry, but I just don't want to know.

4. "The Purple Puckered Starfish of Love" - and other interesting euphanisms for body parts. Sometimes "anus" will just have to suffice, okay?

5. "Seamen" - Those are people who work on a boat, folks.

6. "Their lips sealed together like matching pieces of Tupperware." - A line I actually read in a slash fanfic. Don't try this at home, people. Remember, Tupperware is airtight. And it "burps."

7. "Realism 101" a.k.a. "Plucking Wiry Curls Out From Between The Teeth" - I read this stuff for escape, okay? I'm married. Realism is not something I lack.

8. "Loss Of Childhood 101" or "I'm only 12 and this is my first attempt at NC-17, so..." - They grow up so fast, don't they? ::::miserable grimace:::::

9. "Cruel to Be Kind" - Them: "POW!" *smooch* "SMACK!" *pant* -- Me: "Blech."

and finally....

10. "Too Good To Be True" -- While I want my fictional characters to have better sex than I do, let's not get carried away. Five or six brain-boiling, earthshattering orgasms for Scully is more than enough. The little trollop.

CiCi Lean, 1998