Summary: Pendrell's partner strikes again with a new perfect matchmaking plan for poor Pendrell. Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. CC/1013/Fox does. Don't have money. Don't want money. Just credit. Agent Kathleen O'Neill is mine. Description: After Scully & Pendrell's BioHazard *date* doesn't go according to plan, Agent O'Neill tries again. Rated: G, Humour/Short. Just for fun. Dedicated to my girls the L.O.L.B. (Lovers of LabBoy). If you're a Pendrell fan, give Sue4Pndrl@aol.com a note. We'd love to have you!! Oh...and I don't care what you say. No one knows what the hell flan is!! ANOTHER MASTER PLAN AN X-FILES FANFIC by CiCi Lean, 1996 ******************* Comments welcome. Send to cicilean@yahoo.com "Tell me everything!" Special Agent Brian Pendrell's face was unreadable as he examined his plate. "Would you really like to hear everything, O'Neill?" he said darkly, not looking up at his partner who leaned forward with breathless anticipation. "Of course! You know how long I've waited to be able to put my *PENDRELL SCORES!* banner on the lab door. Don't leave me in suspense, partner. What happened??!?" "Oh, it was incredibly romantic. Bright flourescents, boiling hot Level Four Suits, deadly rock toxins and something that appeared to be a dead man doing the Lambada covered in grease. It was the date of *my* dreams, you bet." growled Pendrell. "Can't imagine a happier, more exciting six hours..." O'Neill gulped. "So no hickey, huh?" she asked, wincing. Pendrell glowered at her. "Not exactly...but I'll check in a couple of days. Maybe hickeys are a symptom of whatever ungodly disease I was exposed to for an afternoon." he said tossing his fork down with a huff. "Hmmm..ok. Well, back to the drawing board as they say." Pendrell could feel little tiny *snaps* pinging against the inside of his skull. "O'Neill, enough. I mean it. " said Pendrell as sternly as he could muster. "I know you mean well, but this is getting insane. Not to mention dangerous." He became quiet again. "I'll just forget about her. It's pretty hopeless. " he said sadly, pushing his plate away. "I can do it...just need a little willpower, that's all" O'Neill looked nonchalantly at her salad and twirled a piece of lettuce on her fork. "Guess you're right. Especially since that guy she's sitting with over there seems to be the new, future Mr. Scully." said O'Neill pointing behind him. "Guess you gave up just in time. Good work, Pendo." Pendrell's eye widened. He spun around. Four tables behind them sat Dana Scully and a tall, blonde man leaning in and whispering in her ear. "Who's that?" said Pendrell, his face taking on the air of a man who just realized that the Titanic didn't have quite as many lifeboats as the brochure had claimed. "Oh, him? That's Agent Harrison. Or as we in the know call him Agent Wham-Bam-Here's-Some-Cab-Fare-Honey. Well, I hope she enjoys being seduced, dumped and living her life in brokenhearted tears. I can only hope he doesn't give her a black eye like he did to poor Holly. Or was that Louise? Wait, he was dating them both at the same time. But we'll forget about that. I know you're not interested." O'Neill's eyes drifted innocently over the dessert menu. "Hey, they have espresso ice today! Hmmm..wanna share a cup? Oh, I forgot, caffeine gives you a rash. How about the flan?" Pendrell turned white and red in waves. He turned away, turned back, then contented himself by observing them in the reflection in the back of a held up spoon. "Why is she dating him?" asked Pendrell miserably to no one in particular. "Maybe because you don't listen to me..." said O'Neill peeking just slightly over the menu. "Well, here's the chance for Pendrell's famous Will-Of-Steel to appear. Hey, if I get the eclair, you'll eat half, right? Or just put half on your plate, then we'll switch plates. I don't want to look greedy." "I'm a nice guy, right O'Neill?" asked Pendrell staring into the spoon. "The flan has less calories, but what the heck is it? It's not Jello..." "I'd be really good to her." he continued with a sigh. "It's not really pudding...maybe it's Spanish tapioca. Oh, gross, I'll just get the eclair. Unless you think I'm getting poochy." said O'Neill looking at her stomach. "O'Neill...what am I gonna do?" said Pendrell with abject misery. "You know, skirts can shrink in the dry cleaners. That's what's happened here I think. Oh, hell. Am I getting fat, Pendrell? No, don't answer that. I don't want to know. Just tell the waiter you want the damned eclair. Got to claim independence from these oppressive images for women, right Pendrell? But you have to order it. OK?" said O'Neill tugging at her waist band for a little more room. She waved at the waiter. "O'Neill..." "Yes?" answered O'Neill nonchalantly examining her coffee cup. "Help me out here. Please." asked Pendrell in a begging voice. "I'm crazy about the woman. She doesn't know I'm alive. Come on, O'Neill. Throw me a lifeline here. I know you can do it." "Oh, I dunno, partner." said O'Neill casually looking at her fingernails. "I don't think my ideas are what you're looking for." Pendrell sighed. He saw what he had to do. "O'Neill, your plans are brilliant. It's just that my timing is probably a off." he said in his best appeasing tone. "And I'm sure you have one right now, just waiting for the perfect execution. Am I right?" "Maaaaaybe..." "I knew it. Come on. Please." "OK, but you might not like it." Pendrell's eyes narrowed as Harrison moved in for a neck nuzzle. "Try me." Pendrell snarled. O'Neill's face lit up with glee. "OK. After some thought, I think the old fashioned jealousy trick is in order. As you know, the Annual Forensics Keg Party is tonight. Agent Scully will be there, no doubt with Surfer Boy. But that won't make any difference. You know why, partner?" said O'Neill tapping Pendrell on the nose with a bread stick. "Why?" asked Pendrell, waving the bread stick away. "'Cause I've gotten you a date." "I thought I was going with you." said Pendrell with surprise. O'Neill smiled. "Why go with me when you can go with Agent Lourdes?" asked O'Neill slyly. Pendrell's eyes nearly fell out. Agent Lourdes? "That's right, Pendo!! Scrape your tongue off the floor and sing Hallaleuah! Special Agent Juanita *Boom Boom* Lourdes is your date for the evening. Legs a mile long and a 20,000 kilowatt smile. And those aren't her only *assets* as I'm sure you've noticed." said O'Neill gleefully. "Pendo, when the Scullster sees what a hot commodity you are, she'll be yanking more than biopsies off of you. That's the female mind, partner. We want what we can't have. Agent ToeHead over there won't have a chance!" "How did you manage that?" asked Pendrell incredously. He didn't know Agent Lourdes very well, but he had certainly *seen* her. Good Lord, you couldn't miss her. "Oh, we go way back." "And she won't mind that I'm interested in Agent Scully?" "Not in the slightest. She knows all about it." said O'Neill angling for a piece of the eclair that now stood between them. "She does?" asked Pendrell, unsure. "Pal, it's the worst kept secret in the FBI. After Hoover's fishnets, your love of the enigmatic Dr. Scully ranks a close second. So... who's your fairy godmother, Pendrell?" said O'Neill through a mouthful of pastry. "Well..." said Pendrell, unconvinced. "You know it's me!! So come on, let's get you dressed for the ball!" *********************** "You know, I can dress myself." O'Neill turned and took Pendrell's tie and waved it in front of him. "Uh, sorry, no you can't. But never fear, Yves St. O'Neill is here." She flung open the door to his closet and began to raid. "Don't you own a pair of jeans?" came a muffled voice from inside his closet as carefully folded clothing came flying out the door. "God, what's this chino fetish you have? Oh, Pendrell...don't you think all these magazines are a fire hazard? Naked Tech Babes? Ewwwww...look at what she's doing with that mouse...oh, yech." Pendrell got up, yanked her out by the collar and shut the closet door with a slam. "Hey!! Alright, we'll work with what we have. Hmmmm..." she said sitting up and looking at him appraisingly, digging through the pants and shirts that littered the floor. "Blue, maybe..blue is you. I think green would match your current complexion too closely." Pendrell sat back on the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands. "I can't do this. I'm not good at stuff like this." he moaned. "Good at what Pendo? There's nothing to it. You've got a gorgeous six-foot tall date who looks like Tyra Banks' twin sister, whose you-know-whats come right up to your eyeline, so she can't complain that you're purposely talking to them and not her, with a certain red-haired forensic goddess looking at you and Senorita Juanita together and slowly coming to the realization that there's more to Agent Pendrell than meets the eye." rambled O'Neill pulling a blue checked button down shirt out of the pile and holding it up for inspection. "A helluva lot more...am I right?" she said tossing the shirt onto Pendrell's head. "Guess so." came the muffled reply. "Now get dressed. Oh, and no hat. You'll get 'hat-head'. Nobody likes a guy with 'hat-head'. You'll look like a mongoose, got that? Good...good. Now I'll be staying here and waiting for a full report." said O'Neill shoving Pendrell toward the bathroom. "Gosh...I *am* a saint. No doubt about it." smiled O'Neill *************** "It was great!! O'Neill, I have to thank you. Really..what a night!" Brian Pendrell entered his apartment excitedly and jumped on the sofa next to his half-asleep partner. "Really??" O'Neill was wide awake now. "Oh, boy...share, share!!" "Juanita is something! We laughed, we talked...even danced. She knew everything about cars, tools, sports, she even knew what a point spread was. We had a great time. And you were right. Everybody almost fell down when they saw me with her. Agent Scully nearly tripped over a chair!!" said Pendrell rapturously. "Even the AD's head almost spun off he turned around so fast. I can't believe it. Really O'Neill, I got to hand it to you. You are amazing. How did you do it?" "I told you, me and Juanita go waaaaay back." "I'm surprised. You never mentioned her to me before." said Pendrell, undoing his scarf. "Well, I knew her when she was Juan." said O'Neill. "I've mentioned Juan, right? We even used to date for a short time but after he, well, *she* told me about the operation plans, I thought it best we were, you know, just friends. And what a success it was..I was surprised. Well, I think everyone was. Anyway, she sure looks good, huh Pendo?" continued O'Neill happily. "I tell you Pendo, I bet Agent Scully is positively seething this very moment. Now all we have to do... " Pendrell stopped. Wait a minute. "Excuse me O'Neill. Could you repeat that?" said Pendrell, his face suddenly devoid of all color. "Which part?" said O'Neill. "I'm not sure. Because if you repeat the *Juan* part, I'll have to hurt you. If you repeat the *operation* part, I'll have to maim you." said Pendrell gasping for air like a fish upon the shore. "And if you repeat the *everyone knows* part..." Here he drew a deep breath. "I'LL HAVE TO KILL YOU!!!!" screamed Pendrell. "But why?? Didn't it go as planned? Huh??? Didn't you get Agent Scully to notice you? Isn't that what we wanted? Huh?? Don't tell me this upsets you! Come on, technically, she's all girl. Hell, she's got more estrogen than I have. Takes whopping doses of it every day. Oh, wait Pendrell...hey, put that down. Now, Pendo...hey, HEY!!!" ************ To: SA Brian Pendrell From: Assistant Director Skinner Agent Pendrell: I regret to inform you that your request for a transfer has been denied. I feel that the work you do for the FBI's Sci-Crime lab is indispensible at this time and there are no openings currently in any other department that would suit your particular talents. I certainly will NOT place you on the janitorial staff or in the cafeteria. While you appear quite desperate to leave your current department, these positions are definitely not suitable for a Special Agent of your training. Sincerely, Walter A. Skinner *************** The End. All comments welcome. Send to cicilean@yahoo.com