Summary:  Pendrell's partner comes up with the foolproof matchmaking plan!!

Disclaimer:  Chris Carter/1013/Fox owns 'em.  I don't get money...I don't
want money.  Agent Kathleen O'Neill is mine though.  Please credit when you
can.

Ratings:  G - Humor/Short.  Just for fun.


MASTER PLAN
AN XFILES FANFIC
By CiCi Lean, 1996
***********
All comments welcome.  Send to cicilean@yahoo.com


"This is it!"

Special Agent Brian Pendrell looked up as his lab partner Agent Kathleen
O'Neill walked in the FBI's Sci-Crime lab and tossed her coat and briefcase
on the nearest chair with a *thud*.

"I've got it.  Today is the day, Pendo." said O'Neill brightly, shrugging on
her lab coat excitedly.  She bounced over to his desk and slapped a bag of
donuts onto his carefully arranged evidence slides.

"What's today, O'Neill?" sighed Pendrell.  He put the bag aside with a
grimace and carefully brushed the splattered powdered sugar off of the
evidence lined up in front of him.  

"Today's the day you and Agent Scully find true love." intoned O'Neill with a
flourish.  "God, I don't know why it took so long for me to figure this one
out.  It's the simplicity of the plan that's the beauty of it."

"O'Neill..." groaned Pendrell 

"Now, now...don't thank me yet.  Like all good plans it just needs a little
fine tuning to achieve the perfect results." said O'Neill.  "But I can't take
all the credit.  I mean this one practically fell into our laps."

Pendrell decided to try and be gentle.

"No more plans, O'Neill.  I'm feeling more like Ed Norton to your Ralph
Kramden every day.  Any minute you'll have me standing in the hallway yelling
'Chef Of The Future!!'  And we really don't want that, do we?" he asked
softly.  "Right?"

"I've had good plans!!  I've had great ideas!!" said O'Neill waving her arms
dramatically.

Pendrell crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Name one." he said.

"Well, the Jello From Beyond idea, for example.  How could she have resisted
your brave rescue of her from the unknown blue blob that would have
mysteriously turned up on her desk?  Huh?  You would've gotten a base hit
right there!!" said O'Neill accusingly.  "I swear you would have."

"Try again." said Pendrell turning back to his work.

"Oh, come on.  Alien Abduction Scenario #12 wasn't bad, was it?" asked
O'Neill, nostalgically dangling the hubcap on a string she had planned to
scan and doctor to prove Pendrell's *abduction*.  "That would have gotten her
engines gunning...and it had the plus of the being only a weekend long.  You
wouldn't have missed a day of work."

"Yeah, a definite plus." muttered Pendrell not looking up from his
microscope. "Almost as good as that other one. What was that again?" 

"OK, I admit The Dangling Off of The Cliff idea had some logistical problems,
but I've really refined the timing.  Just have to make sure the helicopter is
available.  And that you've kept up your grip exercises."  said O'Neill,
making a fist and opening it a few times in example.

"Uh, huh..." said Pendrell, logging another slide.  

"But we may not need any of them after you hear..." O'Neill leaned in and
lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper.  

"My Master Plan." she hissed.

"Your master plan, oh right." said Pendrell looking up with a pained
expression.  "O'Neill, if I told you that I've decided to become a monk,
would you do some work?  Or at least let *me* do some work?"

"You haven't even listened." pouted O'Neill with a hurt expression.  "Fine.
 Pass up the chance of a lifetime.  See if I care.  Just because I'm your
friend and I'd like to see you happy for once, you hold it against me.  Here,
I'll do some evidence.  That's all I'm good for.  Oh, look...here's a shoe
with some dog doo on the bottom.  Well, I'll just sit here and scrape for a
while.  Don't mind me."

She banged the boot on the lab table and put on a pair of latex gloves with a
snap.  She put on a face mask.  Pendrell went back to his work, suddenly
hearing small sniffling sounds.

"Don't listen to me.  I'm allergic to poodle poop.  That's all." said
O'Neill, the sniffles becoming louder, turning slowly into small hiccups.
"I'm not crying, so don't you think I am.  I don't have feelings.  Oh, I'm
just a useless, mindless cog in the bureaucratic wheel.  Even my..my...my
very own partner thinks so."  

She burst into tears.  

"I'm alone in the world..."

Pendrell slowly banged his forehead against the viewer on his microscope. 

"Alright, O'Neill.  Tell me your plan." said Pendrell with a long suffering
sigh.  He sat back in his chair and rubbed his temples, wincing.

She ripped off the face mask and tossed the shoe aside.

"Here it is." she said without missing a beat, all tears and sniffling
miraculously ceasing.  "Last night I got a call from Agent Scully to help her
investigate a Level Four BioHazard.  Well, I told her I couldn't make it.
 Made up something about an appendectomy I've been putting off.  But I told
her I could find someone else to help her...and guess who that someone is?" 

Pendrell looked at his partner in shock as a sly smile spread across her
features.  He gingerly pointed a finger at himself and watched in horror as
O'Neill enthusiastically nodded her head.  

"You told Agent Scully that I'd help investigate a Level Four BioHazard?"
asked Pendrell, not sure he heard right.  "O'Neill, do you know what a Level
Four BioHazard is?"  

"Helloooo...I'm the virologist here, Pendo.  E.Bola is my middle name, pal.
 Remember when I knocked that tube of food coloring on Jenkins last April
Fool's and yelled out 'Uh, oh, there goes my last Hanta Virus sample!'?  When
he regained consciousness, what a laugh we had, boy." said O'Neill giggling
at the memory.  "Too bad Jenkins transferred so soon after that. Anyway.."

"Is this a joke, O'Neill?" said Pendrell, turning very white indeed.  "If it
is, I'm not laughing." 

"Joke???  Are you kidding?  Do you realize what an opportunity this is?
 Walking into the jaws of death together, hand-in-hand, with one tiny tear in
your suits meaning a slow and miserable end?  The drama!!  The danger!!  The
romance!!  This is it, Pendo!!" squealed O'Neill.  "This is the moment of
truth!  God, I'm a genius.  I'm telling you, pal...you're a bucket of germs
and two quarantine days away from dinner, roses and 'Oh, my God..yes, yes,
yes!!' Provided you don't get contaminated by whatever horrible, unearthly
disease she's discovered, of course."

"Oh, my God..." choked Pendrell, holding on to the table for support.

"Don't get too excited yet.  Don't want you to get careless. It can get kind
of hairy in those rooms, right?" said O'Neill grabbing some scrubs off a
shelf and sizing them against Pendrell.

Pendrell nodded slowly.  He was looking at her but not quite seeing anything.

"But remember, partner, I want details!!  After all this time, I think I'm
entitled to all the juicy stuff. I want to see some matching hickeys." said
O'Neill, happily picking out a contamination suit helmet.  Pendrell backed
away from it in horror. "Oh, and one more thing, Pendo.."

"What?" asked Pendrell in a choked voice.  

"Don't forget the duct tape.  Ten times around each wrist. Got it?  One slip,
one tear, and you-know-what." said O'Neill, making a slicing motion across
her throat. "Phhhhttttt...it's Goodnight Irene, pal." 

She slapped the roll in his hand.  Pendrell stared at it, his eyes glazing
over with misery.

"Now, go get 'em Pendo!!" she yelled as she practically lifted him from his
chair pushed him out the door, scrubs and helmet in hand.  "You're the man!!"
 

She energetically waved goodbye as Pendrell stumbled down the hall still in
shock.

"Gosh, I'm a saint..." she sighed. "I really am."

************
All comments welcome.  Send to cicilean@yahoo.com