A few weeks ago, I made what could perhaps have been one of the most shocking discoveries about a parent that a child could make. I found out, purely by accident, that my mother, a 69 year-old German immigrant, for whom English is not the language of choice...
...is an X-Phile.
How did I find out? Let's just say that when I casually mentioned an episode to her, she spent five minutes bemoaning the fact that Mulder had dropped his gun AGAIN, "like a dumcopf".
That's right about when my jaw hit the ground.
Upon questioning, she slowly admitted that she'd been watching the show every week in syndication since it was now on "at an hour where normal people could watch it" and had been sneaking peeks at some taped episodes that I'd been storing at her house.
When I asked her what she thought about the show, she then began to rattle off character and episode descriptions that I thought were so bizarre, so funny, and from such a unique perspective that I am compelled to share them with my fellow Philes.
So here it is...
PS: Thanks so much to everyone who's sent my Mom such nice e-mail for her "review" page. I printed them out for her and she was thrilled with them. Thanks again!
THE SHOW IN GENERAL:
"They have the aliens on again this week. I don't like the aliens. I like the 'gruslich' [gory] stories. But aliens...there are no aliens. There weren't aliens when I was a girl. No one talked about aliens. I like scary and "shhhhhnap!" when the blood is dripping. That's what I like."
THE CHARACTERS
Re: Mulder:
"He was beaten up last week and the week before. He's always getting beaten up. Is that supposed to happen?"
Re: Scully
"Fat, then skinny, then fat. I hardly recognize her half the time, I have to look twice to make sure it's her. She should smile more. She looks like a pucker-fish."
Re: The Lone Gunmen:
"The little one is dirty. And the other one, he needs a haircut. Mulder shouldn't listen to them. I think they're working with the bad men. Wait and see. Mark my word, I bet I'm right."
Re: CSM
"Why not just shoot him? Bang! But no one ever does it. I'd shoot him. And he'd be dead. And that would be that."
Re: Skinner
"Who's that? He has no hair? I don't know him. Or, wait, do I know him?"
Re: Pendrell
[Long moment of silence]
"Why are you asking me all these questions?"
Re: On the *shipper/noromo debate
"Schmaltz! Why is everything on TV kissing? I like when it's scary, who cares for kissing? I would turn the TV off if they started slobbering all over each other. Snap! Off it would go."
[Guess this would make Mama Lean a NoRomo...sorry.]
THE EPISODES
[She didn't know any of the episode titles, but she sure remembered the plots. I think...]
NEW!
Re: Tunguska/Terma
Well, that Crabcake got his, didn't he? They should have chopped off his head. That lady in her nightgown shouldn't open her door in the middle of the night. I would have told Mulder to come back in the morning. And if I were in a gulag, I'd have eaten whatever they gave me, roach or no roach. And what was in that rock? Worms? Pudding? I'm still confused.
Re: "Genderbender"
"See how smart Mulder is? He knew the Amish people were from outer-space. I knew it too. And that woman who turned into a man after someone slobbered with them. What's scarier than that?!
Re: Eve
You know what those two needed? A damn good spanking. If you were that bad as a child, would you have gotten it! I'd have used the paddle. Were they possessed by the Devil?
Re: Fire
Boy, did the lady detective [Scully] act jealous! She should be quiet...if she stopped looking like such a puckerfish, she might get a boyfriend too.
Re: Ice
As far as I could see, there was a good worm and a bad worm. And when they put the good worm in the person's ear, I thought I was going to throw up. Very gruesome...I liked it!
Re: Space
Did you understand this one? I got confused right after the astronauts exploded. The tall astronaut was under a spell right? Or was he just bored? Because I was bored...
Re: The Jersey Devil
This episode was very tricky. There were arms and legs everywhere, it made me think there are too many cannibals on this show. I couldn't figure out half of it. Who was the hairy woman?
Re: "Teso Des Bichos"
"Cats? I don't like cats, but you can just kick a cat. If you kick them really hard they just run away. She [Scully] should have just kicked them with her shoe and said "Go away"! I think I turned off the TV and went to bed."
Re: "F. Emasculatta"
"Ach! Gruslich! [Scary!]" [Long excited rave in German I really couldn't catch properly. Needless to say, I think this was her favorite episode.]
Re: "Squeeze" and "Tooms"
"You know how much I love liver. I like it fried with onions, it's delicious. But I don't like it as much as he [Eugene Tooms] did. He didn't even cook it!"
Re: "Unruhe"
"She [Scully] can't speak German. Wherever she went to school, her parents should sue them. She didn't learn anything. And she should have kicked that man [Jerry Schnauzer] in the face. Or bit him. Schnauzer. You know that's a little dog, don't you? I had a schnauzer, his name was Struppy."
Re: "War of The Coprophages"
"Ha! Remember how much you hated roaches? I had to come in and step on even the little ones? You couldn't even just stomp on it and throw it out? I had to do it. "Mutte!" you'd yell. "Kill the bug!" I'll bet you liked this one, didn't you?" [much laughter at my expense]
Re: "2Shy"
Mama: "This should teach you to stay off of that computer."
Me: "Because I might meet a fat-sucking mutant?"
Mama: "You never know."
Re: "Die Hand, Die Verletzt"
"What is that supposed to mean? Why were they talking in German? Satan lovers don't speak German. They talk in Latin. Or in American. We never had a single Devil lover in my hometown, in Welzow. No, not one. Ask your aunt. Call her up and ask."
Re: "Quagmire"
"I don't like little barking dogs like that either. He should have stayed with his mistress. But, see...that's what happens when you're stupid. Snap!"
Re: "El Mundo Gira"
"Ach. I couldn't watch that one. I just couldn't."
The Lean family is just chock FULL of intelligent, opinionated people it appears. This week, my Uncle Lean, a real, honest-to-goodness fourteen-year veteran of The Federal Bureau of Investigation, graciously agreed to be asked some questions by me about his job and the *company* he works for.
Of course, I couldn't resist finding out "the truth", so to speak, about some of our favorite fanfic cliches while I was at it.
Check out what "Agent Lean, FBI" has to say. (Oh, and I've changed his name, so don't go around calling Headquarters and asking for "Uncle Lean" okay?)
ME: Okay, Uncle Lean, now what *is* Bureau policy for partners sleeping together?
UL: I'd say it's the same policy as any other company. Co-workers aren't *supposed* to sleep together, but if they do, there's no law against it. I personally would consider it unprofessional and I don't think I'd be alone in that opinion.
ME: So, theoretically, you'd never get down and dirty with your partner, even though you could?
UL: You've met my partner. What do you think?
ME: Oh, Fred's kinda cute. A little on the craggy side.
UL: Next question.
ME: How many FBI Balls have you gone to?
UL: How many -what-?
ME: The FBI Annual Ball. Sort of like a prom, but for FBI agents.
UL: There's no such thing. I mean, we have retirement dinners, merit award dinners, and the like, but an FBI "ball"? I never heard of such a thing. I went to a memorial golf outing a few months ago. Does that count?
ME: Depends. Were you wearing a tuxedo?
UL: To the GOLF COURSE?? I should say not.
ME: Well, no, then it doesn't count. Okay, do you have a secret informant?
UL: No comment.
ME: Oh, wow. Okay, can you just tell me that *if* you had a secret informant, would you contact them by taping a big "X" to your dining room window? Or if not an "X", how about a giant "L"?
UL: Honey, I really can't go into any of that. Sorry.
[oooo-wheeee-ooooo]
ME: All right. When you go out on cases, does the Assistant Director follow you around yelling at you?
UL: An Assistant Director? I don't report to an A.D. I rarely even see the A.D.
ME: And I guess he'd probably never go on a date with your mother-in-law, would he?
UL: An A.D -date- my mother-in-law? Honey, are you smoking something?
ME: Sorry, Unc. I'm asking the questions. Besides, if I -were- smoking something, do you think that I'd tell YOU that?
UL: You'd better not. I don't want to hear about you smoking -or- telling.
ME: I'm not stupid. Your secret informants will probably be here within the hour anyway.
UL: Next question.
ME: You've watched the X-Files on TV, right?
UL: A few times. Not every week.
ME: -Is- there an X-Files office in the FBI?
UL: Not as far as I know. There's the Profiling Unit which handles most of the weirdos, but no aliens or such.
ME: So, you really don't come in contact with fat sucking mutants that often?
UL: We had an extortionist who worked for a diet food company, does that count?
ME: Hmm. Don't think so. Okay, this is the home stretch. Are there a lot of lady agents who look like Dana Scully?
UL: [laughter] No. And that's a shame. I think we could use a few more of those.
ME: So, if she were your partner instead of Fred...
UL: Hold on. Did your aunt tell you to ask that?
ME: No, no, no. Okay, last question. If you could tell Mulder & Scully to change *one* thing about their investigative technique, what would it be?
UL: Learn how to use the damn light switch. Walking into an unsecured area using only a flashlight is a great way to get killed.
ME: But that would ruin the atmosphere, wouldn't it?
UL: Hard to enjoy atmosphere when you're dead.
ME: You are so right. Thanks for your time, Uncle Lean.
UL: You're welcome. And stop taking a silly TV show so seriously. Watch Jeopardy for a while instead.
ME: Did my mom tell you to say that?
UL: No, but I'm sure she feels the same way.
Little does he know MY Mama Lean...