10. Mark it MSR/NC-17 no matter what it is, even if it's Frohike slash. Guaranteed the reader will go to the end, suffering, just to make sure they haven't missed the smut. Bonus: Interesting feedback is guaranteed.

9. Pre-story post: Send a load of innocent emails and posts out saying "Oh, dear...my server/mailer is acting up. Did you guys get the part of my story where the speedo-clad Mulder tickles Scully's shin with the frozen veggie burger? Please let me know." Downside: You'll actually have to write such a scene.

8. Change your posting name so it sounds *almost* like the one of a popular and/or good author... "by Paula Raves" or "Lorkness" or "Livergoo". Downside: Get ready to have Lochness rise from the depths and chomp on you like a fresh muffin.

7. Make up "awards" with your friends and give them to yourselves, while cc'ing Gem and Lisa in on the "ceremonies". Make sure they put that nifty little blinking "Award!" gif next to your archived pieces and be sure the award itself has a good smutty name, like The Stiffy...or The Horny. Downside: Pretty soon everyone will have one, so who'll care?

6. Make up fake on-line article quoting Chris Carter as saying, "I normally don't read fanfic but the one I *did* read was [insert title of your fanfic here] and I thought it was great." Woohoo! Readers Galore! Downside: Lawsuits Galore!

5. Keep reloading your fanfic over and over, until it's the most downloaded piece on the Gossamer stats list by about a 1,000 hits. Pretty soon everyone will want to see what the fuss is about. Downside: Carpel tunnel syndrome.

4. Recommend yourself on the boards and lists using multiple "Yahoo!" and "Hotmail" addys. Be sure to say you wish you'd discovered this author earlier or you could write fanfic, thus denying any possibility of "back-scratching". Downside: Uh, does anyone know how to get rid of a Hotmail addy?

3. Create an archive called "Greatest Fanfics Ever Written". Put all of your stuff right in the middle of a long list of immensely popular pieces. PS: Don't forget to list all your "Horny" Awards underneath.

2. Put an made-up episode title in the "Spoiler" space, ie: Spoilers: For the U.S. fifth season episode "Partner Passionosis". Downside: Five million frantic and badly spelled e-mails asking "When did thes ep ayr?"

1. Write a great story, with a thrilling plot, dead-on characterizations, sharp dialogue without any spelling or grammatical errors.

Hmmm...

NAHHHHH!!!!!!

CiCi Lean, 1998