7:45 am - Wake up, brush teeth, trip over cat while making coffee.

8:00 - Go to computer, pull up fanfic you finished night before and post it to lists and atxc.

8:02 - Become terrified that you posted something completely idiotic and now look like the biggest moron on the entire Internet. Run to bathroom, get sick.

8:10 - Go outside for air. Notice hot, bright, yellow ball in sky that looks vaguely familiar. Realize you've forgotten what it's called.

8:11 - Go inside. Stupid flaming ball is hurting your eyes. Debate calling congressman to see if he can do something about it. Go back to computer, go into word processor, stare at blank screen.

8:55 - Start seeing shapes form in the blankness. Get nervous. Type your name a few hundred times, then hit "delete" and "undo" over and over. Watch the letters flash back and forth.

9:10 - Sign onto the Internet. Troll E-mail for feedback. Find none. Curse AOL mightily for the hundreds of letters that are obviously sitting on their server waiting to be forwarded.

9:30 - IM chat pals. Discuss other authors with them. Dismiss popular ones as "hacks", good ones as "egomaniacs", ones who've sent you feedback as "passable", ones who've praised you publicly as "geniuses." Talk about yourself and your latest fic until pals sign off claiming they have to go "pluck their eyebrows."

10:02 - Troll fanfic web sites. Notice that author you've formerly dismissed as a "hack" has put you on their "Favorite Authors" page. Immediately E-mail URL to everyone, loudly lavishing said author with praise.

10:30 - Go to word processor and stare at blank screen. Vaguely remember the time Mary Ruth Keller once mentioned to you that she usually churned out around 25K an hour when writing.

10:31 - Send Mary Ruth Keller computer virus.

10:32 - Frantically try to take it back.

10:33 - Send Mary Ruth humorous E-mail explaining your little *mistake.* Pray she buys it.

10:45 - Troll atxc.

10:50 - Read Karen Rasch's latest. Seethe with envy. Write her nice note, go back to fic and try to find misplaced comma to gloat over. Don't find any; get depressed.

10:55 - Find story so bad, makes you look like Hemingway. Send author nice letter saying how much their story cheered you up. Beg them never to change their style, or use a spell checker.

11:02 - Get hungry. Order cat to fetch you chicken nuggets and soda.

11:20 - Get up and get chicken nuggets yourself. Yell at sleeping cat for being "as ungrateful as the readers."

11:40 - Go to Gossamer. Check download stats. Get irritated when top five fics don't include yours. Pull up your latest and hit reload a few thousand times. Sit around and wonder if Gem can figure out who's doing that.

11:50 - Troll E-mail for feedback. Find none. Get slightly worried about your E-mail account. Open word processor, stare at blank screen.

12:10 - Close word processor, stare at cat instead. Wonder if he would eat you if you suddenly became the size of a roach. Realize answer is "yes." See cat in new light; get slightly queasy.

12:15 - Get sudden inspiration. Open word processor and eagerly begin to write new fic entitled "The Incredible Shrinking Mulder." Create joyfully.

12:45 - Realize that fic is going nowhere. Delete.

12:50 - Troll E-mail for feedback. Find one letter. Wipe relieved sweat from your brow. Open it up and find that someone disagrees with your use of Pendrell as the Sex-Crazed Assassin From Paris. The words "ridiculous", "stretch", "disbelief", "poor" and "characterization" are used in one sentence.

12:51 - Write furious 30K reply that begins with suggestions of self-immolation and ends with detailed description of the reader having relations with a pack of llamas.

12:52 - Delete the llamas and send a short note saying "thanks for your comments" instead.

1:00 - Decide to get life. Get dressed, grab credit cards and go clothes shopping.

1:30 - Try on clothes. Get depressed.

1:35 - Try on bathing suits. Get really, REALLY depressed.

2:00 - Decide that real life is too complicated and go home. Boot up computer, and troll E-mail for feedback. Find one piece. Open warily. It's a person asking for a missing part. Send missing part, hope they write back.

3:00 - Get bored and go back to Gossamer. Steal blinking "Award" gif from site. Put it next to all of your fics on your page and pretend it's true. Try not to feel too pathetic.

3:30 - Troll once again for feedback. See none. Begin to cry.

4:40 - Stop crying.

4:41- Start drinking.

5:05 - Begin to feel better. Start rationalizing non-response by conceding that your genius is too great for the common fanfic reader. It's a hard thing to admit, but you knew in your heart you'd eventually have to comes to terms with it.

5:30 - Still no feedback. Start pouring doubles.

6:30 - Wondger wha' ther frackin' rackin' fanficth dozzil whyzip feerberk neerd therm urk wholed inder heaed. Ergfhgad coffeez nord goord fur ther yer writins an' nuthink welbe des zame.

7:30 - Sober up slightly. Open E-mail again, not expecting anything. Find nice feedback letter from Hong Te. Reply gratefully, offering her your firstborn child in thanks.

8:00 - Hong politely declines offer.

8:30 - Abandon computer and pay attention to spouse who is making ominous noises about "women who enjoy talking to their husbands" and "personal ads."

9:00 - Watch X-Files. Laugh when Mulder gets finger broken and Scully yanks on it. Miss Season Three. Swear you won't see the movie, but know you are lying.

10:00 - Fall asleep during end credits.

10:30 - Wake up to find cat sleeping on your face. Throw the fur-covered fiend off of you, stumble to computer before hitting bed for last E-mail check. See five or six letters. Close computer. Go to bed with smile on face.

Go to top of day, and start all over again.

~~~~~~~~~
CiCi Lean
[email protected]