Welcome to THE ACID DESK, a bi-monthly newsletter discussing the latest fics, recs, trends, discussions, and even *gasp* gossip in the X-Files Fanfic Community and posted to XFCTalk for discussion and debate.
All opinions expressed herein belong solely to the author, CiCi Lean, and have no reflection on the opinions of the administration or owners of XFCTalk.
Write to me and tell me how wrong I am!
CiCi Lean
CiCi Lean's EBox
THE ACID DESK MAILROOM:
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FROM THE E-BOX:
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From "[email protected]"
"Come here if you want to find out about the new summer fun product HOTTUB TO GO or if you need a Pool cleaning AQUABOT!"
Thank God. My pool cleaning Aquabot -just- went on the fritz last week.
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From "[email protected]"
"CiCi. Blind Item #2. That's not ME, is it?"
Um. Yeah. It -is-.
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"COME AND SEE WORLD RECORD SEX!!!!"
Well, if it's the world record for speed, no thanks. Been there, done that.
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"Said The Spider To The Fly" by Dark Nascent -- HOLY SHIT! Now, before you go off on my careless use of profanity in this "family" newsletter, I suggest you go read this story. And please be sure to take your heart medication first. Brilliant. Original. Unbelievable. Rating: Too many flashlights to count.
"Pale Horse, Dark Rider" by bliss -- Okay, I'm a bad girl. Didn't read this until bliss kindly posted it the XAPEN. What a dork I was. Wonderful X-File, GREAT original characters, and the some of the finest writing in XFFanfic. Voodoo, New Orleans, ghosts, Supportive!Scully and Tormented!Mulder. Good, good, stuff. Rating: 5+ Flashlights
"Taming The Unicorn" (series) by Imjarinu -- Laugh all you want, but I'll admit, I've always had kind of a soft spot for this series. Yeah, it's smushy, completely implausible, hopelessly romantic, but hell, even my black heart needs a -little- silly schmoop every now and then. And, yeah, it's MSR, and gets to be a bit too much at the end, but the first few books are still *lots* of fun. Check it out. Rating: 4 Flashlights overall
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PEACE TRAIN: Well, things have settled down nicely after the Simplenet Panic of '98, with the updates coming at their usual unsteady pace of anywhere from six weeks to six days. I'm hearing some complaints of access problems, but am trying to be positive that these will work out when Gossamer Germany's URL makes the rounds.
PHAT STATS: With Gossamer Simplenet went my favorite Stats page, so I'm stuck with seeing fics that are not my own, downloaded over three THOUSAND times in two weeks from Gossamer X-Philes. Jealous? Moi? Non. (BTW...try this experiment. Write an NC-17 MSR and begin the title with a number to guarantee a top position on the "New Stories" page. You'll be *shocked* at the numbers. Really.)
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Blind Item #1: Which seethingly jealous fanfic author, in a sad attempt to become a Big Bad Fanfic Queen, is trying to write in ANY popular genre, even slash, in hopes that it might be her ticket to everlasting fame? (And, no, it's NOT me. Bastards.
Blind Item #2: Which angst-writer is terrifying her beta readers, not only with her hair-trigger temper, her accusations of plagiarism, her strange, "true-life" tales of dog collars and whips, but also with constant demands for editing of an endless torturefic that has taken over two YEARS to write?
Blind Item #3: Which creaky guardian angel of atxc publicly implores people to remain calm and polite on the newsgroup, while sending private emails -so- foul to people who have incurred her wrath, that she's been reported to her ISP nearly a dozen times?
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CLIQUESNCLACKS: Ah yes, the dogs of August are upon us. With the heat of summer, comes the heat of flamewars that traditionally spawn this time of year. Sweaty, bored authors and jittery readers are forming goon-gangs all over Wonderland, exacting vengeance for slights old and new, real and imagined, scaring newbies and annoying the slightly more sensible among us. (I say "slightly" because who HASN'T enjoyed beating the heat with a good ol' flame war? Like a fine cigar, it never really goes out of style.)
But, since outright flames are seriously frowned upon on atxc (as are controversial postings of ANY type), you have to be a bit more subtle in your approach. So, for the Junior Flamer among us, below is your guide to strategy and defense, fanfic style!
Good luck and !Viva Wonderland!
Handy-Dandy Guide To ATXC Flame War Tactics & Survival:
-- The "Innocent" Approach: Giant lollipop in hand, you are a cross between Little Nell and Shirley Temple, crying "Heavens!" and "What?!" at the first flame directed your way. Wiping very large and very wet crocodile tears from your eyes, you sniffle and write cutesy, sugar-coated posts filled with smilies and
Downside: After a while, people will start to -believe- you're a clueless idiot.
-- The "Indignant" Approach: Subtly start a flamefest with a loaded, but "innocent" question, then loudly spank the participants (cleverly including your own pals as to look "neutral") when the war starts. Throw in as many snide private allusions as you can, making sure not to tip your hand to the casual observer, but knowing that you will infuriate your intended targets. Then, just stand back and wait for the earthquake.
Downside: Timing's tricky. Make sure the flames are red-hot before you spank or you'll look, well, manipulating. (Which is what you are, but shhhh, you don't want THEM to know that!)
-- The "Rodney King" Approach: Shake your head and loudly cry "Can't we all just get along?" Beg for the peace, love and happiness that you "used to know" in "the community" (all things that never actually existed, but always sounded good) AT THE SAME TIME writing nasty private notes to the more excitable members of the "community", making sure they are nice and frothing when they come to visit you over on the newsgroup. Stand Ghandi-like as they crucify you; offer to hold the nails in your teeth while they pound. Hey, it worked for the saints, didn't it?
Downside: People might actually listen to that "peace" crap, and there goes all our summer fun. Damn you.
-- The "Honest" Approach: The worst policy. Write long and sincere posts, explaining your opinions and rebuttals in a sensible manner. Try like hell not to lose your temper or let the "discussion" dissolve into name-calling or snide remarks. Try to ignore the fact that most people will skip right over you to get to the juicy stuff. Maintain an air of dignity and common sense, even in the face of the most ridiculous taunts and accusations. Then... bow out of the thread gracefully when you realize that you are getting nowhere.
Upside: You are probably a good & well-meaning person who actually has a life.
Downside: We don't like your kind around here.
And there you have it. Good luck, Junior Flamer! Oh, and as for your other question. You want to know if -I've- ever used any of these approaches in MY dealings on the newsgroup?
::::batting eyelashes::::::
Heavens, no.
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"To Have, To Hold" (I - IV) by Viridian (M/P) -- Okay, I'll admit I was skeptical at first. MultiplePersonality!Mulder with Confused!Pendrell. But, I'll be damned if the incredibly talented (and prolific) Viridian doesn't pull it off, making it not only plausible, but heartbreaking as well. I've threatened to flay her alive if she brings this series to its unfortunate, but inevitable, conclusion, but alas, I'll take what I can get. Rating: 5+ Lashes
"Tools" by Kix (M/K) - Whoahahaha. Hot enough to melt your monitor, with great, clean writing to boot. Nice use of imagery, and the sex is -just- descriptive enough, without going overboard into the land of the "Purple Puckered Starfishys of Love". Write to Kix, tell her you love her, and force her to write more. Rating: 5 Lashes
THE NICK-FIXX LIST: Dedicated to All Things Nick Lea'ish, this relaxed and fun list is run by the irrepressible (and plucky!) Te and the NickLovin!Alicia. All NickFic is welcome (Krycek gen and slash, as well fiction portraying any other fictional characters he's played), and the Nick discussion is intelligent, and fun-loving. Check it out! Send an E-mail to: Nick-FiXX. (Because of adult subject matter, please state you are over 18 years of age in the body of your subscription request.)
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TALK, TALK
XFCTalk - Great Caesar's Ghost! IT LIVES! And it's snarky too. Fascinating hullabaloo this week regarding a famous author and their middling latest piece (which is still, IMHO, better than the best work of most), with all the huffing and puffing that's usually found on the big lists. -Is- reputation enough? Are we being honest or jealous? Does *every* fic have to star M&S to be worthy of attention? Stay tuned, kids. (HEY YOU! Want to join XFCTalk? Subscribe here (XFCTalk - "subscribe XFCTALK 'your name') and come join the fun.
CHAOS FICTALK: Summer slow, not a flame war in sight. Yet. August is a notoriously bad month for all the discussion lists, with angsty and bored readers/writers getting the rerun jitters, even after the movie. Some snarking about the OT postings to XFF, which seem to be popping up again with alarming frequency. I personally consider these unavoidable, considering the size and automated nature of the list, and twenty posts a week from Lisa imploring no OT posting would probably be just as annoying. As a List Mom myself, I have sympathy for the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" position of administrators, but private ass-kicking is sometimes the only option.
AOL FANFIC JUNKIES BOARD: The Primal Screamers are back from their get- together, shockingly hung-over. There was no tea-drinking at THAT party, eh, ladies? Got some nice razzing for the Acid Desk, especially after I mentioned my next eXpose, aptly entitled "Primal Screamers, Dirty Secrets". White-gloved finger pointing abounded, suffused with what I was -sure- were nervous giggles. Hmmm, maybe I can get a couple of blind items from you gals yet. Stuff that's hot according to the boards? Try Jill Selby's WIP, "Paper Saints" or Lydia Bower's WIP, "Three."
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From: "Ba-Ba-Gargh" by [email protected]
"Scully soon whips off her black lingerie bra and shoves her 34cs into the goat's face."
Oh. Great. Folks, do I even have to say it?
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"The Great Dane & The Teacup Poodle" by The Tenth Muse -- HEE - larious, (and very well-written) Pendrell series, filled with Terrified!Pendrell, Flirting!Mulder, Looming!Skinner and Clueless!Scully. Running jokes include Scully's "name" game with poor Whathizname Pendrell, Mulder's mesmerizing presence and an appearance by Skinner that is characterization personified. Not exactly slash, not exactly gen, and truly funny as hell. Rating: 5++ Labmice
Can be found on XAPEN and SlashX lists. (To subscribe to either, send an E-mail to XAPEN or SlashX. Because of adult subject matter, please state you are over 18 years of age in the body of your subscription request.)
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RANT-O-RAMA:
Ah, the infamous Mary Sue. That famous fanfic bugaboo, alternately loved and hated by readers of all fandoms and genres, the original character that is just a little too familiar, or just a little too smart for her own good.
Yes, we've all heard of her, but do we really know who she is?
According to Lisa Schultz, an academic who actually studies fanfiction (yes, there are such people), Mary Sue is defined as "an idealized original character, more often than not having a close similarity to the author herself, who enters the fic as a catalyst for romance between, or as savior of, the main characters."
While this is an excellent definition of "Mary Sue", rooting her out of fics, for both the reader and the author, is slightly more problematic. Authors often create all sorts of disguises for their Mary Sues, most of them subconscious and completely innocuous. Readers too, have the occasional problem recognizing her, so, for ease in identification, I present to you:
HOW TO SPOT THAT MARY SUE:
1. Her Name Is Neither "Mary" Nor "Sue"
Oh, no, our heroine could *never* have a name as dull as that. "Winter", "Emerald", "Tornado", "Amber", "Alexia", "Constantinopia", those are all names that are worthy of such a very exciting, very vibrant -- very -special- character. Bonus points if she has a good pseudo Euro-sounding last name such as "Von Pluto" or "De La Farge."
2. She Ain't From Around Here
Mary Sue never comes from a place like good, old Shitcreek, Kansas. Nope, she comes from Tunisia! Brazil! Transylvania! Or, if you're very brave, another PLANET entirely! Now, don't ask yourself -why- this person is working for the FBI in the United States, or -how- they're breathing the oxygen heavy Earth air that is nothing like their home planet's, because, hell, you're just going to ruin it, OKAY BEAVIS?
3. She Isn't Like The Rest of Us
Nope. Mary Sue is special. Super special. With very super-special, super powers! She's psychic! She is pyrotechnic! Photogenic! Anencephalic! She can SHOOT LIGHTNING OUT HER ASS! Yes, our Mary is nothing if not amazing, even more amazing than the characters that you are -supposed- to be fawning over. And because she is so super special, you can do all SORTS of things with her that you can't do with your main characters. Hey, can't have bad characterization with your own creation, can you?
4. She's Everyone's Best-est Friend
She's sarcastic to Mulder, who adores her anyway (but only as a friend. We know who his TRUE love is.) She trades girl talk and giggles with Scully at impromptu pajama parties for two. She commands grudging respect and admiration from Skinner. She gleefully plays Yentl The Matchmaker and yells "FINALLY!" when M & S are caught doing the nasty in her kitchen sink. Proudly wears her maid-of-honor dress at Scully's wedding, and cries tears of joy when they engage in a warm and bonding "group hug." Goes on their honeymoon with them, because they just *can't* bear to be without her, but never engages in a threesome, because that would be, well, just ICKY.
All right, you get the idea. Now, you might ask, what exactly is *wrong* with Mary Sue'ing?
Well, to be honest? Nothing.
Mary Sue is an acceptable device, (especially for young authors), with a long and fine fanfic tradition. She can help the author visualize and even help them to work out the fine art of characterization. However, when your device begins to become your trademark...
That's when you should start worrying.
And how do you -know- when she is starting to take over your fanfic life with her exotic ways, her fabulous name, and her super-special powers? Well, counting is a good method. If your Mary Sue shows up in your first two or three fanfics, and she disappears after that, then you are pretty much within the norm for most fanfic writers and you can chalk her up to youthful exuberance.
If she appears in a dozen or so fanfics, I'm afraid you've succumbed to her super-special powers of persuasion, and desperately need to retire her back to her homeland, whether it be Tunisia or Mars. Ship her there quickly and don't look back. Don't worry, someone else will take up her banner, and one day you will able to pull her off of the archives without attracting too much notice.
However, if you've written over a hundred fanfics with her as a leading character....
Well, I'm sorry, but it's time for shock therapy, dear.
But don't worry. My shrink has *excellent* rates.
CiCi Lean
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That's it for this edition. THANKS to Te & Zoot for beta reading and all my anon blind item contributors!
Come again next time, and I'll have some more snarky rants, squealing raves, gratuitous Pendrell Slapping, filthy gossip and a whole lot more!
THE ACID DESK is, hopefully, a bi-weekly newsletter, written & created by CiCi Lean and posted to XFCTalk for discussion and debate. All opinions expressed within belong solely to the author and have no reflection on the opinions of the administration or owners of XFCTalk.
This newsletter may NOT be copied, forwarded or posted to any other list, USENET news group of web page without express permission of the author, CiCi Lean CiCi Lean's EBox. In short, if you sneak it around, I'll catch you and eat you alive. (And I chew 100 times per bite, just like Mama Lean taught me to.)
All comments private & public to XFCTalk are welcome.
From: "[email protected]"
HOT BYTES
Great Authors, Stories & More!
THE GOSSA-PER
Notes On The Archive of Note
GOSSIP CORNER
Eat Your Heart Out, Cindy Adams
ATXCARAMBA!
The Latest From The Usenet Front (alt.tv.x-files.creative)
THE SLASH CAFE
Reviews From The Wild Side
Discussing The Discussion Lists
FANFIC LINE OF THE WEEK:
(Where The Names Have Been Changed to Protect...well, Everyone.)
GRATUITOUS PENDY MENTION OF THE WEEK
(A.P.I.G.P: All Pendrell is Good Pendrell)
Ravings From The Acid Desk:
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"Mary Sue, Who The (#$@! Are You?"
by CiCi Lean
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