Category:  Badfic
Rating:      R - for ridiculous
Archive:  BADFIC Page ONLY.  Please.  Good Lord...
Disclaimer:  I was possessed by Asteroth when I wrote this.
Therefore, CC if you want to sue, you'll have to go to...uh.  Heh. 

NOTE:  While I am not an official part of the mysterious, yet
strangely benevolent, BADFIC Collective, this is the sacrifice that
was requested of me, to lay at the altar of Fanficus Horribilus.
This fic is intentionally bad and means no harm or insult to any
particular author or writers of any genre.  It's just for a laugh,
folks. 

To check out the other BADFIC stories, go here:
http://slash.simplenet.com/badfic/ - but please, don't read while
you are home alone.  Your head might explode from laughter and you
really don't want anyone just walking in on that sort of mess, do
you? 

BADFIC:  BALLS
by "The Rabid Mouse"
(aka, CiCi Lean, 1998
cicilean@yahoo.com)
*********

One day, Dana Scully went to her mailbox after coming home from work
and was very surprised to see a big, mysterius pink envelope in her
mailbox.  

"What could this be?" she asked herself opening it.

When she opened it, she saw that it was an invitation to the Annual
FBI Valentines Day Maskerade Ball where people wore masks so other
people wouldn't know who they were and everyone would be in
disguise.  

"Oh, wow," she said to herself, because there was nobody else there
to talk to.  "I have to go to the FBI costume party.  I wonder if
Mulder will go with me?"

So she thought about this as she went inside her house and changed
into her favorite fluffy sweater and her super comfy sweatpants.
She curled up on her pink and white couch and hugged a pillow
tightly to her busom thinking about Mulder.  She wished the pillow
was Mulder, but it wasn't, so she sighed and ordered a pizza
instead.  

After she ate the pizza she went to sleep underneath her warm
blanket and hugged Mr. Happy, her favorite teddy bear really tight.
She was still thinking about Mulder and the maskarde party that she
was supposed to go to and had happy dreams abut them dancing all
night, like the prince and the princess in The Little Mermaid and it
made her smile, even when she was sleeping.

The next day she went into work again and there was Mulder sitting
as his desk and looking very handsome, which he did all the time
because he had a puppy dog face and big lips and beatiful hazal
eyes.  She loved his eyes best of all and she liked his hair too
which was fluffy and brown, just like Mr. Happy's.  

[I wish he would look at me and like me too sometimes] Scully said
to herself, but Mulder didn't hear her because she wasn't saying
anything out loud.

"Hi Sculy," said Mulder, looking at her with his glasses on and her
heart nearly exploded at the sight of them.  He was really, REALLY
good looking in his glasses, even better looking then without them.  

"Hi, Mulder," Scully sighed.  "Did you get the invitation to the
maskerade ball?  I got mine yesterday.  Are you going?"

"No.  I'm going to work instead." said Mulder, pretending not to
laugh because he really was going, but he was just going to trick
Scully into thinking that he wasn't.  Because he had a big surprise
for Scully, but he didn't want her to know what that surprise was.  

But Scully didn't know that Mulder wasn't not going, so her heart
broke into a thousand million billion pieces when she heard he
wasn't goign.  She wanted to cry, but didn't want Mulder to know
that she was crying so she said she had to go to the bathroom were
she sat in the toilet and cried.

After a while she stopped crying and tried to be brave, because she
was an FBI agent and they were supposed to be brave all the time,
not only when they were shooting people and chasing mutents.  So,
she dried her eyes off and went back to the office where Mulder was
still smiling underneath his frown.

"Well, I'm going anyway," she said bravely even though inside her
the sadness was making her want to puke all over the floor. 

"Well, I'm not." he said and they didn't talk for the rest of the
day.  

So, Scully marched home that night and went into her closet to look
for something to wear to the maskereade ball.  She wasn't really
into it, it wasn't going to be like in her dreams, with her and
Mulder dancing together all night long, but she had to go anyway,
because she was an FBI agent and all the FBI agents would be going
to the ball.  

[Except for Muldur] she thought to herself sadly and almost started
to cry again.

But when she finally finished getting dressed and she looked in the
mirror she started to  feel a little better.  The dress she was
wareing was beautiful beyond everything you've ever seen.  It was
white satin with a big hoop scirt and lots and lots of pearls all
over it.  It had things like diamonds sowne into it and it sparkled
every which way when she moved.  She looked exactly like a princess
who was going to get married at the end of a cartoon and she
couldn't believe it herself when she looked at herself.

Her hair was put up in a ball and little hairs came down all around
her face like a frame.  It was shining red and it smelled just like
Head and Shoulders, her favorite shampoo, which smells really good.
It was like red silk and she knew she'd be the prettiest girl at the
ball.

[But what difference does that make?  Mulder isn't going to be
there] she said again to herself, but nobody heard her, because she
wasn't talking out loud. 

So, she said goodbye to Mr. Happy and went to her car and drove to
the ball.  When she came in the ballroom with her mask on, all the
FBI agents were there and they all turned around to wonder who this
beautiful lady was, who looked exactly like a princess from another
planet.  

With a big sigh, Scully went over to a chair and sat down in it.
Pretty soon all the men walked over to her and asked her to dance,
because the music was starting to play.  She no to each and every
one of them, because none of them were Mulder and because she
thought that their lady friends were starting to look kinda pissed
off at her for being the prettiest girl at the FBI ball.

So Scully sat really sad, listening to the nice music that was
playing that was just like the music on her Hanson album at home but
it was different.  It was a good song but it made her sad at the
same time because Mulder wasn't there to listen to it with her.  

But, suddenly, everyone tunred around again, and in came a masked
man to the room, and Scully couldn't believe it when she saw him,
this man that came in with the mask.  

He was the handsomest man everyone had ever seen in their lives and
he was dressed just like a prince from a country that still had
royalty, but from a long time ago, before she was born.  All the
girls were drooling at the sight of his long, lean swimmers body,
his big lips and the beautiful hazal eyes that shone from behind his
mask, that was almost as good as a pair of glasses. 

With a squeal all the girls at the ball ran up to him, to try to get
him to dance with them, but he shoved them all aside, and walked
right up to Scully who was just sitting there in the corner, wishing
Mulder was there.  Scully stared up at him and couldn't believe how
handsome he was in his white tights (they were not pantyhose) and
his velvet cape.  

Why, he could be just like Mulder, with his big lips and beautiful
hazal eyes, she thought to herself, but didn't say anything outloud
because she was just thinking.  

"May I have this dance?" he asked, in a funny accent, that sounded
like those people on the shows on the public TV stations, but better
because he wasn't old and fat.  

Scully didn't know what to say.  Should she dance with someone who
wasn't Mulder?  She thought and thought and thought, and than said
to herself, Mulder didn't want to come with me, so why not?
Besides, a wire from her hoop scirt was starting to poke her in a
bad place, so she had to get up anyway.  

"Yes, you may," she answered and they went on the dance floor
together and while they danced they both shined like two asteriods
that came down from outer space and crashed onto earth and landed
right in the middle of the VAlentines Day FBI ball.  Everyone was
jealous of them and hated them for being so good-looking, but
neither one of them noticed because they were having so much fun
dancing together. 

And while they danced, Scully saw Skinner, dressed as general in the
army or the navy or something and he saluted them with a twinkle in
his eye.  He looks like he knows a secret, SCully thought, but she
didn't say anything.   

Out of the corner of her other eye, she saw Agent Pendrell, dressed
in a hamster suit and he was crying really hard for some reason, but
she didn't know why.   In fact, everyone was staring at them, but
all she knew is that while she was dancing with the best looking man
at the ball, and she was the prettiest girl 
at the ball, it still wasn't the same as if Mulder were there and
they were dancing together.  

"You are the prettiest girl at the ball, my lady," said her dance
partner, still using that funny accent, but it made him sound kinda
sexy, like a guy from another country that wasn't the one they were
in now. 

"Thank you," replied Scully, bending down and making a little
crusty.  And they danced and danced while the music played overhead. 

           "In an mmmmbop they're gone, 
            In an mmmboy they don't care,
            Until you lose your hair
            But you don't care
            (Repeat chorus)"

"In fact, since you are the prettiest girl here," said the man as
they twirled around and around almost the whole night long.  "Will
you marry me?"

Scullys eyes almost pooped out of her head and she thought she would
fall down right on the floor.  "Marry you?  I can't marry you.  I'm
in love with Mulder!"

But suddenly the man pulled his face off!!!  It WAS Mulder who was
dancing with her this whole time!!!

"It IS me Sculy!  It was me all the time who was dancing with you!
Are you surprised?" yelled Mulder, his eyes twinkling and looking
beautiful and hazal over his plump lips.  

And suddenly the whole world became prettier than any movie and
Scully started to cry, making her makeup kinda yucky, but she didn't
care because she was so happy that the man in the white tights was
Mulder.  "Oh, Mulder!  I was surprised.  Oh, Mulder I love you so
much!"

"And I love you too, Sculy!  But you didn't answer my question yet,"
he said, his voice turning deep and hussy.  She looked up into his
endless eyes, to the deep dark spots that were right in the middle
of them that seemed to go on and on forever, like right into his
brain.  

"Will you marry me, Scully?" he got down on one nee and asked,
pulling out a box from inside his tights and opening to reveal the
biggest diamond in the whole wide whorld.  

"Yes, I will!" she screamed and jumped up and down when he put the
ring on her finger.  Boy, now all the women at the FBI ball were
REALLY jealous, but Scully didn't care because she was going to
marry Mulder and they weren't.  

"And guess what, Scully?" Mulder whispered in her perfect shell-like
ear that was like a little dolls, but better because it was hers.
"We can get married right now!  I got the priest and everyone here."

"What?" screamed Scully, who was so surprised and happy her head was
spinning around like the girl in the movie about the Devil.  "Oh,
Mulder!!!!!"

And so the man who was dressed like a preist, and really was a
priest came up and suddenly Scully's mom came out from her hiding
place and Skinner walked up and took Scully's mom's hand and
suddenly Melissa came out from her hiding place and everyone
screamed because they thought she was dead but she wasn't.

And then Queequag came out wearing a bow tie with two wedding rings
in his mouth and everyone started to yell because they thought he
was dead, but he wasn't and Agent pendrell kept crying in his
hamster suit until Holly came up and kissed him so he felt better
that Agent Scully was going to marry someone else and not him.

And Krycek came in but Skinner shot him in the head so he couldn't
ruin the weeding and then Scully's Dad was looking down on them from
heaven and Scully knew he was there even though he was really dead
and not going to come back like Queequag and Melissa did.  

And then Scully walked up the aisle, in her beatiful white dress and
Mulder started to cry because she was so beautiful and everyone else
started to cry to, because they were so perfect together.  They
exchanged the rings and vowed to be married forever and ever and
never get divorced and everyone cheered.  Then the party really
started and everyone danced happily, forever and ever and ever, just
like at the end of Beauty and the Beast, but to different music with
real people, not cartoon people. 

"I'll love you forever, Scully," said Mulder, adoring her perfect
face, even with her drippy makeup.

"And I'll love you too, Mulder," said Scully, loving him so much,
even though he ripped his tights when he pulled out her box from
them.  

And they danced to the music that was playing together forever.

        "Look at you, look at you baby
         Look at you, look at you baby
         Look at you, look at you baby
         Ooooh, Wooooha, Wooooha, baby"
         (Repeat chorus)

&&&&&&&&&&

The song lyrics contained herein are actually transcribed from the
songs "MMMBop" and "Look At You" by the group Hanson, and done not
only without permission, but with a heavy heart and sick stomach. 

this was...
A Rabid Mouse Production
cicilean@yahoo.com