| Wednesday, July 24, 2002 I was momentarily distracted by something which I will not get into here, not that you'd be interested. The thought of that saddens me. Don't take it so personally, because it gets us all into trouble. I've been there before, and I was walking this morning and I went there again. Right now you don't know what the hell I mean, but hope you never do. Because you'll think it will never end. If you let it get to you, it will eat away at your insides until there is nothing left. There are places you go that you shouldn't, and in these places you see things you wish you never saw or knew about. Again, you don't know what I mean, but the above is meant to be taken literally. I've taken things too far. The only light at the end of the tunnel is getting as far away from here , the whole goddamn mess, as soon as possible. If by the end of the day, things do not work out, I'll go to New York in a month and not come back until I'm comfortable enough to be around places and with certain people without feeling like slitting my wrists. This isn't the end of something. |
| Tuesday, August 13, 2002 I love New York. Bad timing, I guess. I was so fucking depressed while I was there, though. No, I don't miss Kansas. Ironically, as unhappy as I am, New York would be an easier place for me to live if I were in a better mood. The people are different and relatively easy to talk to, even though NYC is probably the asshole capital of the USA. Actually, I have a love/hate relationship with the place. I loathe Times Square. Seven bucks for a pack of cigarettes. No public bathrooms. The women are more stuck up here than back home. Oh, an I fucking HATE Times Square. I knew I had to draw the line when I almost had a nervous breakdown in midtown Manhattan as I walked away from a phone booth in front of Madison Square Garden after talking to Melissa. She's fucking with my head. I didn't think she could do that 15,000 miles away, but she did. So I took a walk. A very long walk all over the city to clear my head and sort out my thoughts. Feeling a little better, I took the subway downtown and called her back when I got to Greenwich Village. We had a more civil conversation, I told her how I was feeling and she said she'd be there if I wanted to come back. Long story short, I felt even more miserable the next day thinking about what she said about 'being there' for me. So I buy a bus ticket and leave Friday. It took me until Monday to get back. When I do, I go to her place and she basically tells me she wants nothing to do with me. I thought things would change if I came back, but they haven't, so I felt jerked around. Now I am back in the Big Apple. I've learned a few things. She went so far as to say she loved me before I bought the ticket home. At least I've got that sandwich to look forard to. I'm just... not well right now. The asshole who was supposed to be my room mate cut off all contact with me, so fuck him, too. I saw Paul Schrader while walking through the NYU campus. He looked kind of dejected and he walked with his head turned down. Something about that makes me smile. |
| TRAITOROUS JOURNAL ENTRIES |
| April 27th, 2004 I am such an asshole. I treat my friends like dirt and fly off the handle at the smallest things. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hardly have any friends in the world and I constantly treat them like shit. It's not that I don't want any friends. I just don't know how to handle being somebody's buddy. I don't return phone calls, I don't answer emails, I don't ever come by anymore. I'm just crippled with this nameless fear. I think I need help. Something is definitely wrong with me. If any of my friends out there are reading this, don't hate me. I'm so sorry for being such an asshole and I don't know how I could make up for it. Oh, and fuck you. |