Chapter Twelve

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[ Daniel ]

 

 

��������������� I�d watched enough television to know what that meant, and an ice-cold gasp escaped my lips. All I could do for a few numb moments was sit and stare, viewing the EKG monitor in dumb silence. The tiny peaks and depressions had grown so faint� in fact, they�d stopped altogether and had mutated into one sickeningly flat line. Then my mind (God bless it) jumped back into my body, and I stood immediately, stumbling over the chair as I scrambled out into the hallway, screaming.

 

��������������� There was already someone on the way, but I couldn�t stop screaming for help. What�s happening? What�s going to happen to Darren? Is he okay? A nurse who�d obviously heard the alarm at her station rushed past me into the room, followed by two men and another woman. I turned and stared blankly at the scene unfolding in slow motion.

 

��������������� The room was even whiter now, thanks to the uniforms of the medial personnel. It was like a blizzard. Staring out your window with a mug of hot cocoa watching as the snow blasted past, wondering when it would end and feeling quite sorry for anyone trapped outside.

 

��������������� Darren was lost inside the white. I couldn�t see him anymore.

 

��������������� Like a flock of angels surrounding his bed� or perhaps vultures. Vultures masquerading as angels.

 

��������������� There was a lot of yelling. I was hearing it, but most was complicated medical jargon that I had no help of understanding. Fifty CCs of that, twenty of this. RNs and BSNs and EKGs and EEGs and how was I ever supposed to comprehend any of it? I heard the words, �Cardiac arrest� repeated several times. I may not have been anything close to a doctor, but I knew that, too.

 

��������������� A heart attack.

 

��������������� Darren had snapped out of his coma long enough for his heart to go into shock and just� stop. The air around me suddenly felt very, very cold. Is he going to die now?

 

��������������� I could hear my own heartbeat pounding right inside my own ear, slow and ambient, it droned everything else out. My fingertips tingled, I tried and couldn�t move them. Another nurse bumped into my shoulder as she ran in carrying some sort of machine. I didn�t even look at her, didn�t care. Only one thought penetrated this bubble of blocked emotions:

 

��������������� Don� t let anything happen to him. Please, God don�t let Darren die.

 

 

[ ???? ]

 

 

��������������� Tick�

 

��������������� Tock�

 

��������������� Tick�

 

��������������� �What�s going on in here?�

�Rex, the guy just flat-lined. Where the fuck is Janet?�

�GET HER IN HERE, NOW.�

One of the nurses inserted an intravenous line into my arm. I tried to protest, tried to push her away, but I couldn�t move anything. There were invisible chains holding my limbs to the bed.

 

Tock� tick� tock�

 

��������������� �Hey!� I tried to shout.�I�m okay! Don�t worry about me!� Then everything disappeared. The bodies around me faded to black, the light coming in from the window, the memories of Daniel sitting at my bedside� it all faded to a dark, murky color. That color suddenly burst into white.

 

��������������� Tick� tock� tick�

 

��������������� I�m back in the white again. How did this happen? Oh, God it hurts so much! I can�t breathe I can�t scream I can�t move I can�t even cry I can barely think because all there is all there ever was everything it�s all WHITE.

 

��������������� �Don�t worry, Dazza. You�re going to be okay.�

 

��������������� Dazza�? Is that me? Is that who I am, the person I�d forgotten that I am?

 

��������������� �What�s your name?�

 

��������������� I� I don�t know! I don�t know anything anymore! I can�t get out of here and I can�t remember! Why am I even here? What happened? Is Daniel all right? Where did he go?

 

��������������� �What�s your name?�

 

��������������� I�m trying to remember! I really am! It hurts too much! I can�t I can�t I CAN�T!

 

��������������� �Come on��

 

��������������� DAZZA! My name is Dazza! That�s all I know, honest, that�s all I know it�s all I�ve ever known!

 

��������������� The white is growing brighter now. Everything is forgotten except for the (golden, shining) light that has taken its place. I can�t stand to look at it for more than a few seconds, it�s so bright, but I can�t shut my eyes.

 

��������������� I feel disembodied. I look down at my hand, or what I thought was my hand isn�t it my hand still where�d my hand go? My hand is there. But it�s white, too. Just like everything else.

 

��������������� I hear voices. Someone�s shouting, someone�s screaming, there�s a woman asking someone to get away.

 

��������������� �Dan, I�m hurt. I can�t move anything��

 

��������������� Dazza� Daz, Daz, Daz are you all right? Daz what�s wrong? I love you, Dazza.

 

��������������� �I won�t let anything happen to you.�

 

��������������� �Don�t cry, Dan. I�m going to be okay.� Don�t cry�

 

��������������� �Oh, Darren� Darren what happened to you?�

 

��������������� �What�s your name?�

 

��������������� Daz. Dazza. Daz� Daz isn�t okay. What happened? Oh, Darren, what happened to you? Darren! DARREN! MY NAME IS DARREN! Hello, can you hear me? Look, I�m Darren! I remember! I remember everything now! The car, the hospital, Daniel� I remember!

 

��������������� Suddenly, lightning stabs through my chest. It feels like lighting. The pain is so intense, it�s worse than a knife a sword a gun� I shout my name again. Please say you heard me� (DARREN!) but the pain is still there. It�s always been there. I can�t remember a time where it wasn�t. I feel light-headed. I want to sleep. My body feels limp, suspended in white.

 

��������������� Is this what it�s like to die?

 

��������������� �Don�t cry, Dan. I�m going to be okay.�

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