--Alone--

�Nothing, a void of endless emptiness and a surreal numb feeling. My stomach felt as if someone had punched a hole through me. And those eyes, those steel grey eyes. They looked at me with a despair and sorrow I would have believed inconceivable a few short hours ago. There was no hate in those eyes. The hate I deserved. Finally looking away the doctor began his work. An arm encircled me pulling me backward, a smaller man. Brian.

�Darren, oh god, Darren don�t look.� His voice was far away.

�They fell?� I heard the edge in my voice, felt the hysteria build up in my throat.

�Paul we have to call an ambulance!� shouted Dr Lewis from somewhere. Not from here, this dark grey world where I resided but from �that� other place. Stuart�s place.

Voices raised, an argument, sobbing. Suddenly I was being crushed sorrow pushing down on me until I could no longer breathe.

I fell�

*~*~*

�And awoke in my own room.

�Darren? You fainted.� Orlando said taking my hand, his face streaming with tears.

�They fell?� I whispered my voice weak.

�Please don�t I can�t, I can�t handle this Darren.� He pulled me up to him and hugged me hard. I did not hug back.

Elijah�s leg twisted, still kicking and Stuart�?

�Elijah�s with Dr Lewis. He�s alive. Stuart�s dead Darren.�

�Where is he?� my voice sounded dull and toneless to my ears.

�He�s dead Darren!� Orlando�s hug grew fiercer.

�The body�Where is it?� I watched his eyes grow wide.

�Dr Lewis� office, downstairs.� I tried to get up but my legs felt rubbery. I fell against him and again he took me into his arms. �Cry for gods sake cry Darren!�

I did not cry. After a while he left me.

*~*~*

Dr Lewis woke me by stroking my cheek gently. I looked out the window. It was night.

�Hey�� His voice was raw and his eyes red. �I�am so sorry Darren, I know how it hurts.�

�Of course, you were fucking him as well.� I saw him flinch but felt nothing.

�Don�t do that, that�s not going to help you. It�s not going to help any of us.�

�Our answer lies in whiskey does it? Or is that Scotch I smell?� This time he took a step back as if I had struck him. He buried his face in his hands.

�I have to numb the pain. I can�t be sober for this! I�ll break, goddamnit Darren, I�ll break!� He heavily sat down beside me on the bed.

�I feel numb, that�s all I feel. As if I�m a robot going through the motions. As if I�m trapped in a coffin and I can�t get out. It�s dark, small and the air is becoming sparse and my nails are bleeding raw and I can�t get out. I can�t even cry�� My voice showed no emotion. I ached to feel something.

�You�re not ready to feel it Darren. Stay in your coffin for a little while yet, but for god's sake don�t die there.� He clasped my hand with a clammy one of his own. His fingernails were stained with blood.

�Elijah?�

�He died over an hour ago.� I got my wish. I finally felt something,

�No please god no! What have I done?� I cried. He pulled me up into his arms and buried his face into my shoulder.

My tears arrived at last.

*~*~*

�Are you happy? Are you? You meddling piece of shit. I should throw you back out onto the streets where you belong.� Paul stared at me from across the room. I ignored him and looked out the window.

I heard his feet first then felt his strong arms on my shoulders, spinning me round to face him.

�Don�t ever turn your back on me! You�re nothing, you understand me?�

�I love him.� I said calmly, not reacting to the spittle hitting my face.

�You �loved� him! His dead! Elijah�s dead!� He slammed me against the wall to emphasise each point. He continued for some time becoming weaker with each blow until I realised he was sobbing, collapsing he fell into my arms and I held him to me.

�No!� He backed away from me fast �No!� He said again.

�I can be packed by morning, then I�ll leave�

�The hell you will! We have a contract!�

�A contract?� I laughed bitterly �What court would back a contract of vice?�

�You na�ve little shit, the contracts not for my legal friends. It�s for my investor friends and let me tell you darling they don�t take kindly to deserters.� He spat out.

�Are you threatening me?�

�Not a threat, a promise. If you leave now of all times I�ll see to it you wish you were never born.�

�I do.� I whispered.

His face was tear soaked, his hair wild.

The contempt was here. The contempt that I had not seen in Dr Lewis� eyes was alive and well in Paul�s.

�How does it feel Darren? No more late night lovers trysts, no more loyal sidekick?� He fell to his knees and stared up at me holding my hands to his chest. �Tell me because I want to know, is your heart broken? Is your world over? Do you feel that? My heart I mean? It still beats and it will continue to beat, the earth turns and it will continue to turn. But their hearts? their worlds? If you leave now you�re running away from them, you�ll be a coward. Accept your part in all this and hold your head up high. Honour their lives the only way you can�

�The only way I can?� I repeated darkly �By fucking strangers for your bank vault? �

�Would you prefer a statue in their honour you sanctimonious fuck?� His voice softened �We can get through this, all of this. I can�t bear to see any my boys in pain. Please Darren I�� He broke off and squeezed his eyes shut. He rose softly and stroked my hair �So young�� he whispered. �Get some sleep Darren.� He left.

I stripped off and lay down on my bed. What was left? Why did everything I want turn to shit? Oh god this pain was incredible. I wanted to scream until there was no life in me, I wanted to thrash and bite and cause pain until my rage was gone. Gone like Elijah was, gone like Stuart was. The vice that held my heart clamped harder at the double blow and I moaned in pure agony, pushing my face into the pillow. �No please no. Take it back please.� I sobbed over and over.

But I couldn�t take it back, no one could. My future was to be a lonely one.

tbc