Standing at the Edge of the Earth

Darren drove mechanically back to the hotel.� A small, detached portion of his mind informed him that this state was unnatural.� He didn�t care.� He couldn�t feel anything but the sickening sensation of his stomach falling.� It was like his mind had disengaged from his body and observing from somewhere else.� Vaguely, Darren recognized the sensation as the one a person feels when their body realizes that something horrible has happened but the mind hasn�t quite gotten there yet.� Shock, the still-rational part of his mind supplied.� You�re in shock.� Well, whatever it was, Darren hoped that his mind would never catch up to his body, because when this hit, it was going to hit hard.

Darren�s numb state did not fade as he parked the car and walked quickly into the hotel and up to his room.� He packed everything on autopilot, then rushed through check-out.� Heaving his bags into the back of the car, he got in and headed for home.� To say his mother was surprised to see him on her doorstep so early in the evening would be an understatement.

�Darren?� Judy asked in surprise, holding the door open for him.� �What are you doing here?� Weren�t you having dinner with Daniel tonight?�

�Change of plans,� Darren shrugged, leaning down to kiss his mother�s cheek.� �He had something else to do tonight.�

�Something more important than having dinner with his best friend?�

�Yup.� It�s not that big of a deal, mum,� Darren lied smoothly.� �It�s not like I�m not going to see him when I come back later on this year.�

�True,� Judy conceded.� �I made dinner for your father and I, but I�m not sure I have enough for you.� Do you want me to make you something?�

Darren shook his head.� �I�m not hungry.� I�ll just sit with you and Dad while you two eat.�

Judy searched her son�s face for a sign of what he was really thinking, but encountered only the smooth, bland mask Darren wore in public.� Darren smiled at her, a smile that did not reach his eyes.

�I�m fine, mum.� I had a big lunch today.� Don�t worry, ok?�

�Fine,� Judy sighed.� �Come on in.�� She escorted him into the kitchen where his father was already seated.

Darren sat down at the table with his parents, letting the conversation ebb and flow around him.� His mother kept stealing sideways glances at him and it finally got to be too much.� Darren stood up abruptly, looking down at his surprised parents.� He stretched.

�I�m tired.� Do you mind if I go lie down for a bit?�

�Sure, go ahead,� Judy said.� �We�ll wake you up when it�s time to head to the airport.�

�Thanks.�

Darren went into the guest bedroom and lay down on the bed.� He stared up at the ceiling, the numbness consuming him.� Time ceased to have meaning as he lost himself in the coldness that surrounded him.� In what seemed like no time at all, his mother came in to get him ready to leave.� The rest of the time passed in a blur of motion, and before Darren really registered what happened, he was on the plane.� As the plane began taxiing down the runway, he stared out the window, watching as Australia slowly disappeared beneath him.� A tear slowly trickled down his cheek, followed by another and another.� The icy shell that surrounded him suddenly cracked and collapsed.� Darren buried his head in his arms, his entire body shaking from the force of his silent sobs, and finally let out part of his pain over what had happened before.

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�

Kathleen shoved the door open with her hip, juggling the heavy bag of foodstuffs she had bought for dinner tonight.� Normally she would have called for help, but Darren was probably here and the boys wouldn�t hear her anyway.� She stepped inside and set the bag on the table.� A frown creased her brow.� It was abnormally quiet in the house.� Had Daniel and Darren gone out?� She stepped into the living room and looked around.� Nothing.� She caught a soft hint of noise from the family room and she headed in that direction.� Kat was shocked by what she saw there.

Daniel sat slumped on the couch, one hand on the remote control and the other holding a half-empty beer bottle.� Empty bottles littered the room in every direction she looked.

�Daniel!� Kathleen gasped, aghast.� �You�ve been drinking?�

Daniel looked at her with unfocused green eyes and raised his eyebrows.� He stared deliberately at the empty room and the numerous bottles, but answered surprisingly mildly.

�Yup.�� He swung the bottle in his hands up to his lips and drained it.� Then he tossed the bottle on the floor to join the others.� Daniel staggered to his feet and brushed past her on his way to the refrigerator.� Kat followed him.

�Where�s Darren?� she asked.� Daniel shrugged and jerked the door open a little more violently than necessary.� Food fell out of the refrigerator, but Daniel ignored it and grabbed his beer.� Kat sighed and picked the food up and put it away, then went after Daniel again.

�Daniel, isn�t Darren coming to dinner tonight?�

�Nope,� Daniel said, staring intently into his beer bottle.

�Why not?�

��S got things he hadta do.�

�Like what?� Kathleen asked, slightly irritated.� Here she�d gone out and bought all this food and Darren wasn�t even going to show up.

�Packin� and stuff.� He �pologized.� Said bye.� Said you�re a good cook.�� Daniel explained, the slurring becoming more pronounced.

Kathleen still looked puzzled.� �But he knew he had to do all this stuff before, when he agreed to come over.� What changed his mind?�

Daniel didn�t answer.� He just stared resolutely anywhere but at Kathleen.� A small suspicion began to grow in her mind.

�You two didn�t have another fight, did you, Daniel?�

�No,� Daniel answered, quietly and surprisingly clearly.� �No, I wouldn�t say we had a fight.�� You can�t really have a fight when the other person doesn�t fight back, said the still-clear portion of his brain.� Kathleen watched him closely, but he was still looking away and she couldn�t read his expression.� She sighed deeply.

�Well, I have all that food for dinner.� Might as well use it, right?� I�ll have dinner ready in about an hour and a half, ok?�

�Not hungry.�

�Daniel, after all you�ve had to drink, you need to eat something so you don�t get sick.�

�Not hungry,� Daniel repeated, glaring up at her stubbornly.

�Fine,� Kat said, throwing up her hands.� �Fine.� If you eventually get hungry, I�ll leave something in the fridge for you.� But if you�re not going to eat, promise me you won�t have anything more to drink.� It�s not healthy.�

Daniel made a face.� �Don� tell me whadda do.� I can take care of myself.�

�Sometimes I wonder,� Kat said, slightly disapprovingly.� Daniel glared at her again.

�Jus� go �way, Kat.� Go.�� He made exaggerated shooing motions at her.� She stared at him, eyes wide in indignation, then stormed out, resolving that Daniel was going to sleep on the couch for the next week.� Honestly!� Kat was so irritated that she ignored Daniel for the rest of the night and so missed the soft, choked sobs that emanated from the family room before the alcohol finally overwhelmed the man ensconced inside.

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Darren stepped out of the gate reluctantly.� He felt awful.� His eyes were dry and scratchy from the tears he�d shed, and his head was pounding and cottony-feeling.� The singer just wanted to curl up in a little ball and sleep for a week.� He certainly did not want to do the concert tomorrow night, but he knew he had to.� He couldn�t let what had happened with Danny ruin his life.� He had lived without Daniel before.� He could do it again now.� That thought brought fresh tears prickling at the back of Darren�s eyes and he scrubbed his hand viciously over his face, attempting to forestall their onset.� When he opened his eyes again, he was met by Leonie�s smiling face.

�Welcome back!� she squealed, throwing herself in Darren�s arms.� Darren hugged her back tightly, grateful for the warmth and friendship he could feel radiating from her.� He felt tears rising again, and quickly pulled away.� Leonie studied his face and a worried frown creased her brow.

�You look like hell, Darren.� Was it a bad flight?�

�It was a very long flight,� Darren said with a shrug.� �Not really bad, but I couldn�t sleep.�

Leonie seemed to accept this, but she still looked worried.

�How was your trip?� she asked.

�It was ok.� I got to see my parents for a while.� That was nice,� Darren explained as they began walking to the baggage claim.

�Did you get to see Daniel?� I thought that�s what you went down there for, right?�

Darren winced, but luckily Leonie�s sharp eyes missed that, as she was looking elsewhere at the moment.� By the time she turned back to Darren, he had managed to pull his impassive mask back up.

�Yeah, I saw him,� Darren acknowledged casually.� Leonie waited, but Darren didn�t seem inclined to reveal any more.� She huffed in exasperation.

�Well?� Did you two get things worked out?� Did he accept the apology you were planning on giving him?� What happened?� Come on, Darren, tell me!�

�There�s not much to tell, Leo.� I saw him.� I apologized.� He apologized in return.� We worked out all the anger over the breakup.�

�That�s good, right?

Darren nodded, saying nothing.� Leonie turned to stare at him.� She had expected him to be bubbling about working things out with Daniel.� After all, it had been bothering him for the past year.� Darren, however, seemed abnormally quiet.� Something had happened down there, and Leonie was determined to find out what it was.

�So you two are friends again?� she pressed.� This time, she was watching closely and she noticed the brief flash of pain that crossed Darren�s face.� �You are friends again, right?�

�No, Leonie, we�re not.� Are you happy now?� Darren asked, his tone muted.

�Oh, Darren�� Why not?� What happened?�

�Nothing happened, ok?� God, everyone keeps asking that.� Why did something have to happen?� We were estranged for over a year, with almost another year�s worth of bad feelings added to that.� What we had just couldn�t be fixed.� There�s too much between us to ever make it right again.� It will never go back to the way it was, and I�m just going to have to live with it.�

Darren�s shoulders had begun to shake, and Leonie reached up a gentle hand to his back, rubbing softly.� Darren twisted away, though, and rubbed an arm against his eyes.

�I�m fine, Leo,� he said in a tone that proved him anything but.� �Just let it go, ok?�

�If that�s what you want�� But you know I�ll always be here if you need to talk about it, right?�

�Yeah, I know.�

Darren smiled tiredly at Leonie.� He grabbed his bags from the carousel and hoisted them up.

�Lead on,� he said with an attempt at brightness.� �I need to get to bed if I�m going to be able to perform tomorrow.�

�Come on, then.� The car�s outside.� We have soundcheck tomorrow at 10, so breakfast is at 8:30.� And then you have��

Leonie launched into her spiel, and Darren sat back and let the sound of her voice wash over him.� Things were at least quasi-normal now, which gave him a sense of security.� The feeling of imminent tears receded a little, and Darren relaxed.� Maybe he could make it through these next performances after all.

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�

Daniel sat upright on the couch (Kathleen had made good on her threat from before), feeling the horrible, roiling sensation of imminent nausea.� He quickly swung his legs down and bolted for the bathroom, hoping only to get there in time.� He barely made it, swinging the toilet lid up just as his stomach decided to protest the amount of alcohol he�d poured into it earlier in the evening.� He was violently ill two more times before the nausea finally calmed.� Daniel reached one hand up for the handle as he rested his hot, sweaty forehead on the cool porcelain of the toilet.� The noise of the toilet flushing covered any other sound, so he was quite startled when he felt Kathleen�s hand on his sticky back.

�Daniel,� she said, her voice soft and sad.� �What are you doing to yourself?�

Daniel just shook his head.� While his stomach was no longer trying to turn itself inside out, he wasn�t in the mood for conversation.� He just wanted to rest for a bit.� Kathleen�s hand left his back and she disappeared.� A few moments later she returned, and Daniel faintly registered the sound of the faucet running.� Kathleen wiped a cool, damp washcloth gently over his face and neck before pressing a glass of water into his hand.� Daniel took it gratefully and downed the cool substance in a few quick gulps.

�Thanks,� he managed hoarsely after a few moments.

Kathleen shrugged.� She watched him as he levered himself off the floor and turned to leave.

�Daniel, why are you doing this?�

�I�m not doing anything,� Daniel denied.

�Yes, you are.� You haven�t been to work in the last week, you�ve come home drunk every night� it�s not like you.� What happened?�

�Nothing happened, Kat.� I just felt like going out this week, ok?�� Kat�s eyes narrowed as she studied Daniel�s profile in the dim light from the stairway.

�This is all Darren�s fault, isn�t it?� she accused.� �You were fine until he came back.� And then, bam! you�re a completely different person.� What did he do to you?�

�He didn�t do anything.� Just let it go.�

�No, he did something.� I know he did, Daniel; don�t try to lie to me.� He was supposed to come over for dinner that last night but he didn�t.� You two had another fight again, didn�t you?� What did he say to you this time?�

Daniel�s patience finally snapped.� He was tired and sick and his head ached like nothing he�d ever felt before.� Whirling around, he got right into Kathleen�s face and snarled viciously at her.

�What did you not understand about what I just said?� I don�t want to talk to you, so will you bloody well just leave me alone?�

He noticed with a strange sort of satisfaction the dark look of pain in Kat�s eyes before he turned and stormed up the stairs to take a shower and brush the acidic taste of bile out of his mouth.� Kat, however, stood in the bathroom with one hand pressed against her lips, trying hard to keep from crying.� After a few moments of stunned stillness, she slowly followed the path Daniel had taken to the bedroom.

Daniel emerged from the shower twenty minutes later feeling much more human.� He toweled off quickly and stepped into the bedroom, freezing in shock when he saw Kathleen.� The woman was methodically packing a suitcase with clothes and other toiletries.� She didn�t even glance up as he walked into the room.

�Kat�� Daniel began, feeling horrible.� He knew he�d been mean to her downstairs, but he certainly hadn�t expected this.

�Yes?� she answered colorlessly.

�Kat, I�m sorry.� I didn�t mean what I said down there.�

Kat looked up at him, and Daniel recoiled from the look he saw in her eyes.� Instead of the anger and recrimination he had expected to see, he just saw sadness and resignation.

�Dan, I�d really love to believe that.� I can�t, though.� You�ve been acting so strangely since Darren came to visit.� I�m not�� I�m not sure I�m what you want anymore.�

�Kat�I��

�Shh,� Kat whispered.� She came over and wrapped her arms around Daniel�s waist, hugging him tightly.� �Daniel, I love you.� I want to be with you.� I�m just not sure you know what you want anymore.� And I deserve better than that.� I don�t want you staying with me just because I�m convenient.� That�s not fair to either of us.

�So,� Kathleen�s voice broke a little, �I�m going to Lynne�s.� She said I could stay there any time I wanted.� When you figure out what you want, come see me.� Just let me know, either way.� I hate living in limbo.�

Kat forced a smile on her face, even though tears were starting to trail down her cheeks.� She kissed a stunned Daniel lightly on the cheek, then broke away to continue her packing.� Daniel stood there a moment, his jaw hanging slightly in surprise.

�Kat, you don�t have to go,� he finally managed to offer.

�Yes, I do.� As much as I love you, I can�t live with you right now.� You need to figure out what you really want, or maybe who you really want, before you and I can even think of going back to where we were.�

She shut the suitcase with a resounding thunk and forced yet another smile for Daniel.

�You know I�m right.� Just let me go, ok baby?�

�Kat��� But Daniel couldn�t really find a good reason for protesting.� Kat was right.� He needed to figure things out, and quickly.� Kathleen watched his face and saw the realization set in.� She barely managed to choke down a sob.� She knew in her heart, even if Daniel hadn�t acknowledged it yet, that she had lost him.� If she weren�t right, Daniel would have stopped her from leaving.� Biting her lower lip fiercely, she grabbed the suitcase and lugged it down the stairs.

Daniel quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and caught up with her halfway down the stairs, taking the suitcase.� He silently carried it to her car and loaded it in the back.� They stood awkwardly, staring at each other, before Kat forced herself to open the car door.

��Bye, Daniel,� she choked out.� �I love you.� Come see me when you decide.�

�I love you, too,� Daniel rasped.� Kat could see tearstains shining in the fluorescent streetlights.� It made her feel slightly better to know Daniel was hurting, too.� �I promise I�ll see you as soon as I figure things out.�

Kat nodded a silent acknowledgement, then got in her car and drove away.� She barely made it a block before she had to pull over, tears blurring her vision.� She sobbed silently, hopelessly, into the ungiving steering wheel.� It was a long time before she could compose herself enough to continue the drive to her friend�s.

Daniel, for his part, was lying facedown on his bed, the pillow absorbing the tears that were trickling steadily from his eyes.� This had to have been the most miserable week of his life.� He had found Darren again, only to lose him.� Dan�s entire life had been turned upside down by the events of that one night with Darren, and he still had yet to reconcile those going-ons with what he knew of himself before that night.� And now he�d treated his girlfriend horribly and she�d left him.� He was sure things couldn�t get any worse, although he was afraid to think that in case fate decided to take his thoughts as a challenge.

Kat was right, though.� Dan really needed to think through his feelings for Darren, for Kat, and for everything.� But that could wait for tomorrow.� Tonight, well, tonight was for mourning.� For Kat and for Darren.� Daniel snuggled his face deeper into the pillows and just let the tears come.

tbc...